19 Desperation
Complex Simplicity
[Yoseob's POV]
"I love Sora," Yonghwa blurts out with a serious expression on his face, a sign that he is not joking around.
I was completely lost when I saw Sora cried. I tried to think positive, that perhaps she was really tired after returning from Japan. I decided to talk with her later.
Why do things always turn out worse whenever I try to be an understanding boyfriend?
"You what?" I frown, hoping that my hearing is broken just now.
I mean it can't be real! Yonghwa loves Sora?
"That's what we were trying to say back there," Yonghwa rubs his temple impatiently. "You have no idea about what Sora was trying to say, don't you?"
"Hang on, hang on," I blink, trying to progress his words. "Can you just explain to me clearer? I have a bad night yesterday, Yonghwa. I don't think I can think clear enough now."
Yonghwa takes a deep breath before starts to explain, "I make it simple. I love Sora and she has feeling for me. She is feeling confused by her own feeling so I told her to talk with you first. I didn't expect you to say that you're fine with me and her together."
"She has feeling for you?" I repeat with disbelief expression. "What have you two done? I didn't mean that I agreed about you and her... I was... Aish!"
What is wrong with me?!
"Okay," I control myself and stare at him. "I don't have time to talk with you now. I need to talk with Sora."
I walk pass him and knock Sora's apartment door. There is no respond so I knock the door again impatiently, "Sora? Sora, open the door. We need to talk."
No answer.
I take out the spare key she gave to me when she moved here and unlock the door. I step in her apartment and find her in the bedroom, holding a white cardigan in her hand.
Bomi's cardigan.
I can see Sora clenches her fist and then looks at me with anger and disappointment written on her face.
"Look, Sora, there is a misunderstanding here," I quickly blurt out before she says a word. "A big and huge misunderstanding. I can explain everything. Really."
"That you and Bomi stayed a night together in my own bedroom?" she asks with obvious sarcasm. "Or perhaps that you're drunk and... Ugh!"
She throws the cardigan to me and I catch it quickly, "No! We didn't do anything. Yes, I was drunk last night but I swear nothing happened, Sora."
"Maybe you're right," she bites her bottom lip while a tear rolls down on her cheek. "Yonghwa is a nice guy."
"No. No. No, Sora, no. This is all wrong," I start to panic now. "I didn't mean that I'm alright with you and Yonghwa together. What I meant is-"
"What? You and Bomi want to be together? Fine. I'm fine with it," Sora scoffs and pushes me out from her bedroom. "You're free to go now. Bomi or whoever."
Feeling that this is going to lead us into worse misunderstanding, I stand still and hold her shoulders firmly, "Can you just please listen to me?!"
She flinches a little because my voice. I feel guilty to make her scared like this but I have enough with emotional decision making we always had. I want to get all things clear.
Both of us stay silence for seconds, breathing in and out to control our emotion. I have my limit of patience here and I'm going to explode if she doesn't want to listen to me.
She doesn't look at my eyes, looking away from me. I pull her close and hug her, burying my face in her hair, "Sora, I'm sorry. I really am."
I pull away and kiss her forehead gently, cupping her face with my hands, "Please forgive me."
"How many times do we need to go through this phase?" she murmurs, pushing me away slightly. "I think you better leave now."
"But-" I try to complaint because she still hasn't listened to my explanation yet she doesn't want to hear me at all.
"And please don't use the spare key without permission," she warns me. "I'm serious. Now can you please just leave me alone?"
"Fine, I'll leave but no breaking up," I speak out my fear out loud. "Please."
She sighs heavily and rubs her temple slowly, "Just... leave for now. I need time to be alone."
I reach out my hand to caress her cheek and, fortunately, she lets me. I plant a kiss on her forehead, "Good night, Sora."
If my too good understanding doesn't work this time, I give up being the boyfriend with virtue.
[Yonghwa's POV]
I check the clock which shows that it's already 7 PM. At least 5 hours have passed since Yoseob barged in Sora's apartment with the spare key.
As much as I wanted to follow him inside, I know they're still in a relationship while I'm nobody for them. I respect Yoseob and I just hope that everything is alright.
"Yonghwa, aren't you going to eat your food?" Jonghyun asks me casually, staring at my food. "Are you alright?"
"I'm not really hungry," I scratch the back of my neck awkwardly. "I'm going out for a while. Just call me if someone is looking for me."
"Yah," Minhyuk stops me, grabbing my hand quickly. "Did something happen?"
"Kind of," I force a smile. "I'm going to take a walk. I'll be back soon. Don't forget that we have recording to do tomorrow."
I walk out from our apartment after grabbing my jacket with me. After I close the door behind me, I stand still and try to think of a place to go.
I just don't want to sit and do nothing because my mind keeps going back to Sora's crying face. The uneasy feeling when I found out that Yoseob's agreement is a big misunderstanding also makes my heart to clench.
Something inside of me keeps telling me that I can't interrupt their relationship any further. They are going to marry and I appeared from no where to ruin the perfect couple.
Then why do I have a feeling that Sora needs me now? Why do I feel hurt when she cries?
I shake my head and walk to the elevator, pushing the button to reach the top of the building; rooftop is indeed the perfect place for me to calm myself.
When I open the door, my eyes widen in surprise when I see Sora is sitting alone, leaning her back against the fence.
"Sora?" I quickly approach her, bending down on my knee next to her. I notice that she is closing her eyes; she is sleeping.
She stirs in her sleep and opens her eyes slowly, focusing her eyes on me, "Yong...hwa?"
"You can't sleep here, Sora," I take off my jacket and put it on her to keep her warm. At least she has changed her wet clothes. "It's cold here."
"No," she states stubbornly. "I want to stay here."
"Sora, please," I plead her. I know she is weak against cold weather and I don't want her to fall sick. "I told you. I don't want you to torture yourself."
"I don't want to return to my apartment," she hugs her knees. "I don't want to be alone. It reminds me of Yoseob."
"Sora, I think it's a big misunderstanding," I explain to her. Despite the fact that I do love her, I don't want her leave Yoseob because of misunderstanding. "We didn't have same perception back there."
She looks at me with sadness in her eyes. My heart aches just by the look on her face. How can I make her smile again?
"I hate myself," she rests her chin on her knees. "I just want Yoseob to be happy with me. Why does it feel so difficult?"
"He is happy with you," I embrace her hands, wanting her to feel more comfortable. "Don't blame yourself, Sora."
The next second after she looks up and our eyes meet, I don't know what's gotten into her but she takes one of my hand and puts it on her cheek.
"Why can't love just be simple?" she closes her eyes. "I just want to love and be loved. Just that simple."
I shift closer to her and then kiss her forehead. Realizing that she doesn't pull away, I move to kiss the tip of her nose.
Sora looks up and our lips finally meet. She brushes her right hand with my left cheek and I deeepen the kiss by hugging her tight.
She lowers down her knee, letting me to move even closer to hug her.
"I'm sorry, Sora. I know I shouldn't do this," I part the kiss for seconds, resting my forehead on hers. "Let it be the last."
That is the most ridiculous things I ever said. I already made Sora cheat on Yoseob, didn't I?
[Sora's POV]
My mind is not working properly at the moment. Loneliness engulfs me when I stay alone in my room and it's torturing me inside. I escape to the rooftop, ignoring the coldness that attacks my body.
I know I was wrong. I should have listened to Yoseob's explanation but what would you do when you found out your fiancee was together with another girl one night? In your own bedroom.
Since I didn't want to have my emotion cloud my judgement, I told myself to talk him tomorrow. It must be the best desicion for me.
I don't know when I started to fall asleep but Yonghwa's voice wakes me up. Strange enough even though he also tells me that it's just a misunderstanding, I still can't clear my messy mind.
Feeling cold, I hold Yonghwa's hand, letting him to cup my cheek, "Why can't love just be simple? I just want to love and be loved. Just that simple."
Yonghwa leans in to kiss my forehead and I feel my heart beats faster for him. He lowers down his lips and kisses my nose. I dare myself to look at his face and kiss his lips slightly.
"I'm sorry, Sora. I know I shouldn't do this," he breaks the kiss and caresses my cheek. "Let it be the last."
"What if I don't want it to last?" I murmur vividly and then kiss him again, wrapping my arms around his neck.
When I'm with Yonghwa, I forget about Yoseob. About my fight with him. About my sadness because of him.
"I'm sorry...," I return to my sense and break the kiss. A single tear escapes my eyes. "I-I am really cruel... I-"
Yonghwa stops my apology with a gentle kiss. He then moves to the side of my neck. I can feel his hot breath on my cold skin. I clutch his shirt, hoping that time will stop for a while.
Is this what people called desperation?
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