PIlsook P.O.V.

“Let’s have a break for awhile”, Jonghyun said as he relaxes himself on his chair. He closes his eyes and lay his head on the table. I can feel how stress he was during these days.

“Teacher you seem really tired today”, I told him.

We continue our guitar lesson for almost every day and I learn many things not just about playing guitar but also other instrument and vocals. He usually gives me important key points as if he was already a professional even though I think his age is not farther than mine.

“It’s getting though everyday”, he said.

“Don’t worry you can do it. You just need to prove them how good you are”, I try to cheer him up. He has been losing a few costumers when they heard that Mr. Jang was gone.

“I know, thanks for not leaving”, he smiled.

“Why would I leave if I got the best teacher in town?” I try to cheer him up.

“Yeah, right A teacher who treat you free snack. Your sure not going to leave”, he teased.

“Yah!”, I pouted. I wasn’t attending his lesson because of his snack I’m here to learn and he just laughs at me.

“I was just kidding”, he said in between his laughs.

“I’ll let it go for now” I said and start strumming the string of the guitar I was holding.

“Nae, Uhm Pilsook!”

“Yes?”

“Can we end it here today”, he was back on his serious tone.

“Eh?” I said surprise it only past 15 minutes since we start the lesson and he wanted to end it this early. He might be really tired.

“You have been taking so much extra lesson maybe it’s good to end it for now. And you also have the welcome ceremony for tomorrow should you be getting prepared for it?” he stood up from his seat and put the guitar back on his case. I guess he had no plan in continuing the lesson, I wonder why?

“Ah, yes but then.. Would you like to come to school tomorrow to watch?”

“Why?” he turn to look at me directly.

 “Well it’s open to the public. There will be no harm in watching”, I told him.

“Are you performing?” he suddenly asked.

I look down before answering “anio”

“Then there is no point of watching it”, he finally zip the case and turn back to me “Let’s go”

I look straight at him “aren’t you interested in the ceremony?”

Everyone seems excited with the opening ceremony of our school even our neighbors wanted to watch it live, but this guy looks like he isn’t a little bit interested. He put his hand on my head and mess my hair a little.

“I’ll go watch it if my cute friend here is performing”, he smiled.

I didn’t response for a while so he went to the door and open it up and that’s when I finally spoke.

“Then you will never be able to watch any performance in our school”, I told him in a low tone. I totally doubt it that I can perform on stage.

He frown “don’t you believe in your own talent?”

“It’s not that”, I pause I don’t want to admit it but this was the truth “look at me do you think they will allow a person like me to go on stage?” I try to force a smile; I already had been rejected not only on the stage performance and who would dare to pick me to be a part of the crew performing or even to put me on stage.

He let go of the door and look straight at me.

“What do you think is wrong with you that you cannot go on stage?!”

It was obvious, so I just decided to keep my mouth shut.

“What the hell is the reason you’re taking up so much lesson if you don’t believe that you can showcase it to other!” he just lose his temper. He put down his guitar on the side as he press his lips together and once again turn to me.” With that attitude of yours, you cannot really go on stage it’s not the appearance that matter on stage but the talent but if you’re not going to believe in your talent then there is no reason in continuing this!”, disappointment can be clearly heard on his tone and then he look away from me clenching his hand. He closes his eyes for a moment and let go of a deep sigh. “I guess this would be your last guitar session with me”, he tries to modulate his voice.

“Jung---“

“go!” he once again close his eyes as he utter the words. His voice was very deep that it felt like it was piercing my heart and he won’t even look at me now.

 I know he was put on so much stress that’s why he is like this. I should understand how he felt but I cannot force the tears back. It was the first time that he had gone mad on me, well the first time I saw him got angry. He was the nicest friend I ever had and now I think I might lose that friend. But I know he was right, I wasn’t that confident with my talent.

I look down pressing my lips together as a tear escape from my eyes. “I’m sorry”, I broke into tears as I run out of the room. I really wanted to believe in myself but there are a lot of people who doesn’t believe in me and keep pushing me down. And now the people who believe in me, I just let them down because I let those people to get into me.

Babo, Pilsook. Babo!

 I heard something slam from behind as I run out but why would I mind it anyway. I can’ afford to look back. I bump into a lot of people on the street as the tears where blocking my sight. I wipe it out with the back of my hand as I headed to a nearby restroom to wash my face. I don’t want to go home looking like a mess I would just make my mom worried.

I try to breathe slowly to calm myself. After finishing a few sobs I finally get hold of my tears and fix myself. Though my eyes were still kind of red I already decided to travel back home. On the bus I sit beside the window with a lady on my other side. She looks like she had gone to market for she got a lot of grocery bag and stuffs. She smiles at me as she sat down. We aren’t halfway home when I heard people at my back talking. At first I decided not to pay attention at all but then they begun laughing from behind and I realize that it was me they are talking about. I try to see them on the reflection on the window and figure out that it was two young students from a prestigious high school.  I can hear them talking about how ugly and big I am and seeing me in Kirin uniform they just hate it and believe that I would be no good. They don’t even know me and hadn’t seen what I got but they were already judging me base on my appearance. My hand clench into a fist as I was biting my lips and trying to focus my eyes on the view outside so I can control my anger long enough ,when suddenly  the women sitting by my side place her hands on mine. I look at her surprise.

“Don’t mind them”, she said with a lovely smile in her face that I forgot about the girls and smile back at her. Her hands where soft and really warm, that sure felt nice and her smile look sincere that I felt everything lighten up.

“Don’t let their word get in you, understand”, she continue as she gave my hand a little squeeze.

“Nae”, I reply with a nod. At least there is one person who believes in me even though she as well doesn’t know anything about me.

That ahjumma really lighten up my mood that I forget about my worries. I walked home looking around in our neighborhood I wasn’t really in a hurry so I decided to stop at the park and watch children play; I play with a few of them. I also went to a small bookstore nearby and read manhwas, of course I asked permission from the owner of the store first before reading. Because I had work here part time during summer he allowed me to read a little. When I realize it was already becoming dark I finally headed home.

“I’m back”, I called as I enter our door.

“ Pilsook, where have you been?  Jonghyun came here to drop your things”, mom approach me with her hands on her waist.

“Eh?” oops I really had forgotten my things. I’m really such a fool.

“Why, are you running away from your lesson?” My mom said as he gave me a slight beating.

Running away? Well I kindda run away.

“Umma, I won’t do it anymore”, I cried in a low tone.

“You’ll get a proper beating if you do that again”, she scolded.

“arrasso”, I took of my shoes and headed to the kitchen that is when I realize a familiar smell.

“Ah! Dokbukki?” but that can’t be mom’s cooking. She isn’t good in cooking dokbukki but this one smells nice. I look at the dinner table and was surprise at what I saw. A well made kimbap this couldn’t be mom at all. A smile starts to make pattern on my face once again as I heard kitchen utensils, I immediately run to the kitchen.                               

“Appa!”, I run toward the guy wearing an apron and gave him a  back hug.

“I know it was you”, I said not letting go. He chuckled so I look at him.

“I’m back”, he said with a grin.

“Oh, appa I—“

“nae, neo?”, he was telling me to continue.

“I—miss your beans stew and kimchibokumbap”, I said with a playful smile.

“What!—“

“Ani—“, I try to cut him off before he got angry “I guess I miss your cooking, mom isn’t really that good”, I murmur but he know I was just kidding.

“So you just miss appa’s cooking?”

“Nae”, I nod.

“Well that can’t be help, maybe I should just send you food from Jeju Island the fair is really getting high”, he said as he stirs the dokbukki.

I smile as I gave my dad a peek on the cheeks “But truthfully, I really really miss appa”

“Me too”, and he kiss my forehead. I let go of my dad to help him prepare dinner.

I was assigned to prepare the table while mom and dad get there self busy with cooking. They usually got there bonding time in the kitchen. We had dokbukki, kimbap and kimchi chinge for dinner and it was a daebak! I was glad to hear from dad that grandma was already doing fine in jeju though she insist on staying there so Dad will be back in Jeju in a few weeks to convince her to live with us, right now it was my aunty looking after her. My grandma is sure stubborn like my dad. I don’t know what’s keeping her stay in her old house. Well I have been there and I can say it wasn’t really that bad. My grandma lives in a small house beside the beach with a pretty small garden in front where different flowers bloom. She sure love plants that she can make it grow anywhere. I can’t help but smile when I remember my old experience in her little garden I usually got scolded for breaking up some of her pots.

“You sure are enjoying dinner”, dad commented.

I nod in response and took another kimbap, it was sure delicious.

“Yah, appa did you brought me something?”

“Isn’t myself enough?”

“Well—“

“Yah! This kid— your present is already in your room”

My eyes widened as I was biting my chopstick. I immediately put it down jump from my sit and run upstairs.

“Isn’t she excited. Yebeo”, my mom commented.

I made a lot of noise as I run up our wooden stairs and dash to my room and open up the door. All the excitement runs out as I saw what was lying on my bed. It was a pink guitar. I walked toward it to make sure, I run my fingers on its strings and sigh. A guitar it makes me remember the argument I had with Jonghyun will I be able to play with him again.

“wae?”

I turn around and saw my parents standing beside the door. I painted the smile back on my face once again.

“I heard from your mom that you where studying really hard that’s why I bought you your own guitar. You don’t have to borrow from our neighbors”

“Thank you appa, umma”

“Go on try it” so I headed and play a song for them. While playing I already made up my mind I won’t give up on my dreams. Jonghyun is right I shouldn’t take these steps if I don’t believe I got the skills. I’m going to do my best in the ceremony tomorrow.

The school was already jampack in the early morning a lot of press people are scattered around trying to take pictures of every student entering the gate hoping that they where the three special student or maybe the future super star in the industry. I try to make my way in the crowd and I was caught by a professor who asked me to help her with costume she was carrying and I politely agree. This is a chance to get into the backstage without getting scolded. A chance to see him before he steps on stage but I wasn’t really lucky. Jason hasn’t arrived yet and other teachers where panicking thinking that he might ditch the performance.

I bump into Baek Hee in my way out of the dressing room. She was sure pretty.

“Are you alright?” she asked as she offered me her hand.

“Nae”, I smiled. She is also nice, she help me stood up and wipe the dust from my shirt.

“Thank you and good luck in your performance”, I told her and she smiled.

“Thanks”, I can feel she was a little bit tense for she was shaking a little.  “I’ll be going now”, she said and went her way back.

I also went out and went ahead to the auditorium I need to find a good sit for a good view of the performance. I sat on the third row with some of my classmate in the dance class. They were all looking forward in her performance they were very supportive of her. It sure felt nice to have a lot’s of friend like her. She is sure is lucky, unlike me.

The performance started, my eyes were really focused on the stage as the light dim. I am silently praying as I wait for the performance. My eyes try to adjust in the slight darkness then the show started. Jason finally step out of the stage full of confidence, he was shining in the dark.. Well, everyone with him was sure was shinning but he was the brightest. He is the brightest person on stage that time. His talent overflows that’s why he shines. I can’t help smiling as I watch him. I don’t know if he can see me though he smiles often showing that he himself is enjoying the performance. Some of the girls went screaming whenever he smiles at the audience and some of them went cheering him. I also wanted to but I was a little bit shy so I took my phone instead and take a few shoots of his performance. There were also a  lot of camera flashes in the whole performance, he really did impress everyone. I was kind of swaying with him during the middle of his performance. And the smile on my face stay firm until the lights dims once again.

“Yah! , someone yelled from my back so I turn around.

“nae?”

“Can you moved your blocking my sight”, a thin pretty girl with long straight hair said. Based on her uniform she was a senior.

“Excuse me?” I know I didn’t do anything wrong to be yelled at.

“Are you deaf?” she rolled her eyes at me.

I didn’t response at first.

“Yah, I told you move!!How can we enjoy the performance if a whale like you is blocking our sight-“

I try to calm myself by breathing slowly. I was being insulted but I have to control my anger.

“Can you just go!” she once again yelled.

“I’m sorry”, I try to smile.

“Huh! You’re sorry then go!! Or do you want me to drag you out of your sit”, she response waving her hand. The two other girls beside her stare at me with evil eye.

So I stood up, I want to defend myself but I don’t know how.  Baek Hee’s friends just sit comfortably like they hadn’t heard anything though some of them silently laugh. If it was  Baek Hee being treated this way  I bet they would stand up for her, but since it was just me they just let it happened. I should be use to this kind of stuff but sometimes I can’t help to get pity of myself. It’s really hard to be happy with this size of mine. There are always a lot of people to look down on you and criticize you as if you did something unforgivable. I let go of a deep sigh as I step out of the auditorium, I just can’t stand those people anymore.

“Pilsook, where shall you go?” I asked myself and the doll I was holding.

“Well done”, I told my boy doll who is supposed to be Jason and smile.

I didn’t take me too long to decide where to go as the smell of newly baked pantries caught my attention. I headed first to the cafeteria and ate some of the delicious stuff. I just love eating next to singing that’s why I get this big.

“Matda”, the pastries was sure really tasty and I was very satisfied with the snack. I drank a bottle of water and went a walk in our building. There were no students inside the building as expected. I can look around happily. I hum a happy tune as I walked in the hallway picking at the different room until I found myself in the practice room. I got a sight of the big piano.

“Beautiful”, I said to myself as I admire the beautiful organ in front of me.

Hmmm, should I try to play it?

 I run my fingers o the piano and decided to sat down and once again look around. There is no harm in trying so I open up the piano and try the keys. I once again look at my doll who was sitting above the piano.

“do you want to hear me play?” I asked as if I would get a response but I can pretend I did.

I smile, it sure felt nice and that’s why I decided to play a song. The first song that come in my mind was chingu eui sarang (love of a friend), then I thought of Jason and my fingers hit the notes. I was already in the chorus when I realize that I was playing I love you by narsha and I was also singing along. I wanted to laugh at myself for playing it without realizing. I skip the rap part since I wasn’t really familiar with it.  The song almost end when I heard a weird sound

Ring!ring!ring!

I was sure that sound doesn’t belong to the piano; I took my phone from my pocket. It wasn’t mine that’s when I finally notice the shadow from behind the wall.

“Who is there?”

******