→ Y I X I N G

You know that feeling you get when you think that everything in your world is just falling apart right in front of your eyes? Well, that's what I was feeling at the moment.

I've basically wasted my life on this girl for the past decade, only to have her come back to Beijing, being completely mesmerized and in love with some other guy that I didn't even know of. I don't blame her, though. Ten years is definitely a lot of years, and even though I waited, I couldn't have possibly had such high expectations and expected her to wait just like I did.

I could've sworn with all my heart that I loved her, but after hearing her talk about only Jongin, I just couldn't take it. The love that I once had was replaced with this empty darkness; it was replaced with pain. I could no longer take it. Even though I did love her, even though I did want her to be happy, I thought that I deserved happiness just as much as she did.

I came to my conclusion, I had to move on. I decided that it'd be best if I gave Huan a chance, the chance that Minhee never gave me. I decided that maybe if I actually accepted my feelings and let myself return feelings for Huan, maybe, just maybe, I could live the fairytale that Luhan and Mayli had.

I know, I know. Comparing my relationship and life to Luhan and Mayli's was stupid, but can you blame me? Their relationship is flawless, and I, myself, was jealous of that. I yearned for love, I yearned for attention from another person, I wanted all the things that I couldn't have. I never realized that I could've had all of that, but I was just too dumb and blinded by my love for Minhee.

I finally opened up my eyes, realizing that reality had struck. The same old Choi Minhee that I once knew was gone, and what was left of her was a stranger, who was helplessly in love with another person, a person that I did not know of.

The Choi Minhee that I grew up with, the one that I've known since my childhood days, the one that I used to bathe with, the one that I used to share everything with, my first love, my first heartache, the first actual girl that captured my heart  — she was gone.

Who is she, now? Really? What has she become? Who has she become? And why? Those were the real questions, but I didn't care enough to look for answers. What's gone is gone, and it will probably never come back, I just had to accept the ugly truth. 

I just wish that I had done something, you know, like, maybe I should've gone to Seoul? Searched for her? Communicated with her more often? I should've confessed, I should've told her, before she moved onto someone else. I should have. But now, I can't. 

*

→ M A Y L I 

I spent the past week trying to comfort Minhee, who spent most of her days just staying inside her grandmother's house, making a mountain of tissues that were filled with depression, sadness, regret, and lots of the other emotions that Minhee must've been feeling.

I couldn't do anything about it, though. It killed me, knowing that my best friend ever since childhood days was back here, in Beijing, and instead of spending time with her and going out to have some fun, I spent my time in her room, comforting her. Occasionally, Luhan would come over and try to help, but he could never stay long enough to witness all the pain and all the helpless sobs.

Whenever Luhan came over, Minhee would do everything in her case to be able to convince him that she was fine. I guessed that she had been doing that for a long time, even before coming to Beijing, because that girl was one heck of an actress. She even had me believing that she was fine, that is, until she started to break out into tears once Luhan stepped right out of the door.

Knowing Luhan, he was also sensitive. Minhee was one of his best friends, and not to mention, one of his first crushes. And that's where the good part comes in. Back in pre-school, before Luhan liked me, he liked Minhee. It was funny to see how Yixing and Luhan would fight over Minhee, but sooner or later, Luhan just gave up and went to me. I guess it was because he realized that Yixing was a lot more persistent than he was.

Yixing still is persistent, though. That's the problem- he thinks that he can move on, but in reality, he can't. He's just too scared to admit the truth to himself, but who knows? Maybe one day, he'll just finally realize that being persistent isn't always a good thing.

Well, about Luhan and Minhee. Yeah, they never really worked out. Minhee never really knew about the crush that Luhan had on her, and that was kinda just the little secret that Luhan, Yixing, and I had kept from Minhee throughout all the years. Minhee didn't need to know, after all, she probably didn't want to. She was too hung up over that one kid- uh, what's his name again? Oh, right. Jongin. 

That kid must've meant a lot to her, because to see her crying and in so much pain after all of Yixing's words finally sunk in, I realized that reality must be one heck of a . Maybe Yixing's words were a little bit too harsh, but I couldn't agree more with it. If she loved this Kim Jongin so much, then I don't see why she doesn't just confess to the kid, already.

Maybe it's hard at first, but once you get it off of your chest, shouldn't it be a lot easier? To have all of the weight lifted off of your chest? To get it off of you, once and for all? Better yet, you won't have to hide you