I was on a high after my solo. Jiyong would chastise me for looking too smug, but there was a new sense of freedom for me and I simply couldn't hide it.

In March we started to help promote the old girl trainees at YG who would be debuting soon as a group. From there, I felt the visuals around me brighten into neon and candy colors. Maybe it was from the success of Strong Baby or maybe it was from all the sugar-coated pop imagery at that time, but I felt a change of sorts. I was happy even as our schedules continued to pick up more promotions and deadlines. I was more optimistic even as we were about to start working on our first full-length Japanese album. My mind was occupied with scripts for My Nineteen or Shouting, lyrics, Japanese, choreography, what to say in interviews, how to pose in photo shoots, album meetings, recordings, and on and on the list went, but I wasn't overwhelmed. I told myself I would take it a day at a time.

Jiyong was just as busy, but with different preoccupations. He talked of working on a solo album in the near future or would visit the girl trainees whenever he could to support them at photo shoots or bring them food. He started taking interest in the girls, of course I noticed. There was fashion and art and image concepts involved. Edgy visuals. Eclectic accessories.

I wasn't jealous of the girls, no. I was jealous of Yang Seung Ho and Lee Hyun Jong, the close friends of Jiyong's who were the girls' fashion stylists. There was a professionalism between the men, but Jiyong's eyes sparkled when he talked to them. It was like Jiyong was in his element, being around other people who were creative and expressive. He smiled more with them. He seemed more enthusiastic and inspired with them. I was starting to miss having his attention and I couldn't even deny it to myself anymore.

I almost wanted to be the toy again. We moved into a hostel dorm in Japan and I thought maybe we'd go back to the way things were if Jiyong and I shared a dorm together. This time I'd make sure not to mess it up. I told myself that I would accept him and seek him for help and I made it my goal to make him happy.

There was a late night in Japan once where I couldn't sleep because the July cicadas were too loud and the neon lights outside my window were too bright amidst all the Japanese night life. Our dorm building wasn't exactly far from the city. I rolled around in my bed sheets and realized Jiyong was talking on his cellphone in his room. We each had our own room, but the walls were kind of thin.

He was laughing. I soon realized he was talking to Yanggaeng, one of the two stylist friends.

"Ah, I wish I could see it! It'll look so great. Take a pic of it on your phone when you're done."

I squeezed my eyes shut in the dark.

"Yeah, its late. Seungri's already in bed. Talk to you tomorrow, see you soon."

I sighed and got up from my bed, pushing through my door to get a glass of water from the small kitchen area. Fumbling in the dark, I hit a toe against the refrigerator.

"Seungriyah?"

The lights flicked on and I quickly stood on one foot to hide the toe I just foolishly stubbed. Jiyong opened his door and raised his eyebrows at me.

"Shouldn't you be in bed?"

I pointed to the sink and had an empty glass in my hand.

"Ah."

He turned around to go back into his room but I called out to him.

"Hyung."

He whipped his head around.

"Yeah?"

"Hyung..."

My voice got stuck in my throat, the kind of aching, burning feeling that would creep up as if I was about to cry. I swallowed it down.

"Hyung, would you rather be back in Korea right now? With Yanggaeng hyung?"

His eyes widened for a moment as he stared at me curiously.

"What? No! We're here as a group, we stay as a group."

"But if you could choose..."

"No, absolutely not. What's wrong with you, maknae?"

He walked over to me and set down my glass of water on the counter top.

"Are you having abandonment issues or something? Aish, and here I thought you loved going solo."

He wrapped his arms gingerly around my back and hugged me, pulling me in, resting his chin into my shoulder. I didn't hug him back, but I hid my face into his chest.

"Sorry, hyung."

I could feel his lips curling up into a smile against my shoulder. He pat my back and sighed.

"Its okay Seungriyah. Go back to bed."

I nodded and he let me go.

A/N edit: Yang Seung Ho and Lee Hyun Jong