2013
The Evolution of Nyongtory
Along with the end of the world tour came the low after the high. I didn't even realize how tight my muscles were, how stressed I had been, how exhausted I felt, until I took the following week off and did nothing productive whatsoever. It was a time of eating and watching tv, sleeping in, browsing the internet, playing games on my phone, chatting with old friends. Anything. My mind was blank, my body was limp. Hwangssabu would have been so mad.
I realised I was ready to get back to work when Daesung had sent me a text from Japan. Soon enough I called him back, and he sounded so fatigued with work. I wanted to be there with him and reassure him he would make it through. The album he was working on would be released in the next month, as well as his Japan tour. His schedules were at the point of being over-booked and I worried for him. And that was when it clicked. What had I been doing? My brothers were all working so hard, and here I was pampering myself with free time. I was ready to jump back in.
I started Japanese and English lessons again, along with acting classes. I picked myself back up with my online courses, too. I wanted to be the Seungri who challenged himself again, I wanted to be motivational. I just wanted to learn and in return teach others somehow, to make them smile.
January had passed, the Korean lunar new year had passed, and now February had swept in. The next holiday to be celebrated was none other than the dreaded Valentine's Day, and I sighed at the thought of dating plans. The release date for Teddy hyung's own restaraunt/studio had long since been set to be the fourteenth, and both Jiyong and Youngbae had sworn up and down that they would be there to celebrate. Invited or not, I'd rather not go. So I had set a reservation for one at a nice hotel and would settle with that. I had to be up early on the fifteenth anyway to catch a flight back to Japan.
But before all that was the Gaon chart awards ceremony that we were invited to attend. Red carpets and ceremonies themselves were still a thrill for me, so it wasn't like it was difficult to hide my disappointment about the valentine plans. I had a really nice suit with simple lines and sleek tailoring that I was excited to wear, while both Youngbae and Jiyong teamed up to dress more daring. I had thought I had already gotten the giggles out as I watched the noonas in our dressing room place a long wig atop Jiyong's head, but I was still fighting the laughter even after the show, with Jiyong taking it off and swinging it at me. Not to mention I was also getting teased for cropping out a picture of Jiyong that I shared on twitter of Youngbae and I backstage earlier. He cropped me out in another picture of us as revenge, and his witty use of wordplay ensued. The wig continued to be used as a weapon against me for the rest of the evening.
I awoke late the next day to a text from Jiyong telling me he was already in his closet putting together his outfit to wear for the cafe opening later. It brought me back to the days of living together in his Tom and Laura apartment, remembering all those times I watched him pace from the bedroom to the bathroom back and forth, strutting about in different jackets, different pants, different shoes, taking anywhere from minutes to hours to figure out how he wanted to look. I figured I would call him to wish a happy Valentine's day.
"Yah, I'm busy," he greeted me after a few rings.
"Well happy V-Day to you too, hyung," I laughed dryly. He sighed on the other end, long and slow.
"Seungriyah. Don't be like this," he groaned. "You know how important this is for hyung."
"Yeah. I know," I replied wistfully.
"Its just a dumb little holiday anyway. You're not going out with a girl tonight, right?"
"I'm not. I have a morning flight to catch tomorrow."
"Are you going to be alone tonight?"
I thought about it. The hotel had a live music event every night and I would be sure to visit.
"Yeah," I half-lied. "I made a reservation at the Hyatt, but I didn't invite anyone."
"Ah hah," he laughed. "You'll find somebody to chat with, then."
'Hyung!"
I heard the clinkling chime of metal bracelets swaying in the background as there was a short silence on the line.
"Okay, I get it. If the party doesn't last too long, I'll try to visit you, arassou? Text me your room number later."
That was really all it took to get my hopes up, as I found myself smiling into the receiver.
"Happy V-Day, maknae," he said lowly. "Don't do anything stupid."
And with that, he hung up. I awoke the next morning to no new messages and an empty bed. He never showed up.
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I was honestly too busy working and filming in Japan to even be heartbroken or speak to him. Before I knew it, over a week had passed, I still hadn't talked to him, and I was back in Korea on my way to a birthday party for Chaerin. My relationship with Chaerin was like having a bickering younger sister, maybe a little worse than with my actual sister. The problem was that Chaerin had the kind of wisdom into looking at relationships that Youngbae had. I never told her my secrets because of that. Perhaps Jiyong had talked to her about our recent distance; I wouldn't be surprised. She had arranged for the two of us to meet at her party before the others just so we could "talk it out."
I was the first to arrive at the rented-out private room of her favorite restaurant, eyes immediately fixed on the extravagant brown fur coat and white party hat walking towards me. I was surprised she even took off her shades to greet me at the entryway, offering me a full body hug that wasn't completely awkward and a warm smile instead of an annoyed frown. When she pulled away, she swat at the back of my head. I yelped in reflex as she grabbed me by my coat collar.
"Yah! Seungri oppa!" she frowned, tugging some more. "I've got a bone to pick with you."
There was no getting out of it now. Chaerin had that look in her eye. She put her shades back on as the sound of a car door slamming shut could be heard from outside the restaraunt.
"Why haven't you called Ji back, huh? He's told me he's tried to call you. What gives?"
"You know how it goes," I sighed. "Schedules. Priorities. I can't just make time for him."
"Oh, but you can make time for more show appearances? For women?"
"Hey, I haven't been seeing any women. For the nth time," I groaned.
"So you'd rather be doing the promotions and getting the money rather than taking time to just slow down?"
"Well," I started. "You know its not really about the money anymore. Its fun for me. I can't just sit somewhere for a long time and be happy that way. Its the same for Jiyong, you know that."
"So that's your excuse for being so distant?" she let me go, crossing her arms.
"He's always busy working. I got tired of waiting, and I was given the opportunity to have my own busy schedule."
She pouted her lips and arched a brow in disapproval.
"That's not cool, oppa," she said straight-forwardly, shaking her head. "This sounds like a case of male pride. You've gotta talk."
It was then that a rhythmic knocking against the wall started, as Chaerin uncrossed her arms and greeted Jiyong at the entryway, also wearing fur and large shades, but what really stole the show was the set of Spongebob birthday balloons clutched in his hands. After some hugs and kisses, the birthday girl steered Jiyong towards my direction and proceeded to find a place to leave the balloons and gifts before leaving the room altogether.
"Hey," he greeted with a small wave of his hand.
"Hey hyung."
He curled a hand behind his neck and pursed his lips, bowing his head to the ground.
"I wish I could just say sorry and get away with it, but I know apologizing wouldn't be enough," he started. "I kind of overheard."
"Hyung."
For the longest time, I thought we were too different. Jiyong the golden child, Seungri the dancer who almost didn't make the team. Jiyong with the clothes, the songwriting, the teaser, the leader. Seungri with the long hair, the supposed confidence, the teased, the follower. But maybe we were more similar than different, because in the end, neither of us could really settle with something that required an emotional commitment. We could stay commited for years and years as a band, sure. As good sons or brothers in our families, as personalities on camera; all of that wasn't a problem. But love was weird, dealing with the public was weird, distance was weird. I just wanted to work, doing something I loved, to meet people, and to just be happy with that. I'm sure Jiyong wanted the same, maybe more.
All this time, work kind of got in the way as well as judgement by the public eye and our roles in the group. I worried Jiyong, I embarrassed him, I had to be his little brother. But I was the first one to admit I wanted more than that, and maybe he was just playing along. Did he really love me, through the whispers, through the annoyed groans of his confessions? I couldn't be sure. In the end, he couldn't commit, I thought. I would just be left waiting for something more to happen, maybe something more than the hidden kisses and looks of adoration. But he was rarely the one to say 'I love you' first.
"Hyung," I began, sorting out my thoughts. "I'm sorry too. We're both busy, and I was expecting too much, right? You even told me before not to expect too much from you, expecially during times like this."
He gave a little nod, and with a shaky breath I prepared myself.
"This is never going to work out, right? There's always going to be the push and pull, the distance to being too close, the little brother maknae to your own Seungri. You can't commit to me like that."
"Mm," he barely nodded. "I don't like talking about these kinds of things, you know. I can only rap or sing these things. I'm awkward," he smiled gently. "But just know... Well, the words will still come out wrong as I try to say them.."
"But I do love you. I can't say it enough but I love you, Seungriyah. Even if the way I show it is kind of abnormal. Just keep coming back, and I'll try to meet you halfway somehow."
"Okay," I firmly nodded, approaching him finally for a handshake or embrace, but instead he rested his hands on my waist and gave me a chaste kiss on the lips. It couldn't last long, and it wouldn't because the other familiar party attendees were soon to come, but I savored what I could. The remaining hour was spent taking selcas and warming up to the festivities.
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Two days later, Daesung's Japanese album was released at last, while Dongwook hyung was also preparing in Japan for his own final concerts before enlisting in the army. A few days later, the band was perfoming in China for the Samsung Blue Festival. From there, we went our separate ways yet again for solo activities. Little did I know that we wouldn't be seeing each other again until mid April, and even that was only for a one-day CF photoshoot.
During those times away, Daesung's concert touring in Japan was at full-throttle, and Jiyong's solo touring had already kicked off in Seoul. Meanwhile I had either been filming in Japan, taking my acting and English classes, or working out at the YG gym with Hwangssabu, sometimes meeting up with Youngbae after some cardio. I missed the others. We were already four months into the new year and I could count on my hands the number of times we were all together in the same place at the same time. I wouldn't say I felt lonely; I just felt like a part of me was missing. We were practically always together last year, and the change in pace of life was so drastically different without them.
When we reunited for the photoshoot, it was like nothing had changed, and I loved it. Youngbae had crazy amounts of energy to spare while Daesung cracked jokes, Seunghyun actually joined in on our conversations, and Jiyong was dangling off of everyone, all smiles and kissy faces. It was a pretty pleasant night in spring at a soccer field and both Jiyong and I were dressed in a vivid electric blue. I tried to tug at Jiyong's hat, teasing him that it looked more like a shower cap as I played mom and told him I would get his bubble bath ready when we got home. He would sneer "you punk" only to sofly kiss the shell of my ear when the others were away.
"Missed you," he would whisper, snaking an arm behind the small of my back. He'd turn his head back to the camera again for a pose and then continue to give his attention back to me.
"How are the concerts, hyung?"
The grass was so plush and green beneath us. I looked down for a moment to find his hand dangling about so that I could swing it against the light evening breeze. He looked down too, swiping a thumb against the back of my hand.
"Its different going solo," he sighed. "I always get sick leading up to the shows, don't I? I'm better now, but I guess I'm still kind of recovering," he smiled.
"You can never just take a break from it all and say 'no,' huh?"
"Nah. I couldn't do that to the fans. You know that. You're my fan too, right? How would you feel if I didn't show up and you paid money for it?
I almost wanted to laugh. "When you don't show up to meet me, at least I don't pay you. If anything, you pay me, as I spend one of your credit cards ordering in food and drinks to drown my sorrow."
"Yah," he rolled his eyes. '"Its a good thing you're good with money, its one of the few things I can trust you with."
"Hyung," I pouted. "I'm more than good and you know it."
"Yeah, fine. But anyway," he continued,"I've been thinking..."
"About what?"
He looked up from the ground then, greeting me with those familiar brown eyes. The winds were just barely ruffling the wisps of hair under his cap.
"If I get sick again, or if something else happens at a concert, I don't know...and I decide I need a back-up plan to help get me through the show...would you help me?"
Of course I didn't hesitate to tell him I'd do almost anything. I knew how worked-up he got about his shows, how everything had to be perfect, how he'd practice until he broke apart, basically.
"But hyung, you have to make this a promise. You have to call me if you want help.'
"I'll do my best, Seungriyah. Its also up to the management team if I ask for you to help run the stage, though."
I could only nod.
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Nearing the end of April, Jiyong sprained his ankle performing in Osaka.
It was only a week previous that I had a conversation about the promise with him on twitter. He teased again, saying he didn't know what I was talking about and that Youngbae knew instead of him. On the games went. At least I had learned to tease back, and "oppa saranghae" was becoming a commonly-occuring jab.
Only a day after his injury, it was confirmed on the social media that I would be a musical guest at Jiyong's show in Beijing. I got the call when I was filming in Nara. I smelled practically like a petting zoo, what with all the deers and all, and the phone reception was bad so I couldn't say much, but I was so thrilled, so ecstatic. Jiyong was groaning on the phone, telling me I got my way, asking for advice on dancing on a swollen ankle and all, given my experience with the same injury from back in 2007.
"I get to see you, I get to sing with you," I beamed, jumping up and down in my car seat on the way back home. The Japanese driver almost looked annoyed, trying to figure out what the Korean kid was so happy about.
"I'll be seeing you in a week, maknae," he chuckled.
"Yeh."
It was one of those times when smiling hurt, with cheeks so tightly raised and lips so spread to make room for all the teeth. More than anything, though I was worried for his ankle of course, I was just relieved. I could be hopeful again, because this time Jiyong had kept his word. I would be seeing him again, and I would be sure to brighten his mood.
I was ready to truly smile again, to jump back into the push phase again, back into this weird thing we called love. I was ready to commit, whatever this was.
A/N edit:
Feb 6 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/02/seung-chans-diary-recently-seungchan-130204.html
Feb 11 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/02/seung-chans-diary-happy-new-year-130210-photos.html
Feb 13 Gaon Awards http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/02/seungri-im-still-alive-v-t-130213-photo.html
http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/02/g-dragon-winner-winner-chicken-dinner-today-130213-photo.html
VDay http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/02/seungri-happy-v-day-130214-photo.html
Grand Hyatt JJ http://www.seoul.grand.hyatt.com/en/hotel/dining/JJMahoneys.html
http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/02/seungri-gimpo-airport-heading-to-japan-130215-photos.html
Feb 25 CL bday http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/02/g-dragon-happy-birthday-130225-photo.html
Feb 27 Dae album release
Mar 3 in China http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/03/seungri-in-china-nanjing-instagram-update-130302-photos.html
Mar 10 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/03/seung-chans-diary-thank-you-sunbaenim-130310-trans.html
Mar 24 Dae tour starts
Mar 30 GD concert starts
April 1 "I miss you guys" http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/04/seungri-i-miss-u-guys-more-instagram-updates-130331-photos.html
Aprl 8 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/04/hwang-ssabu-tweets-photo-of-seungri-130408-photo.html
April 16 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/04/seung-chans-diary-winter-ended-130416-photo.html
http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/04/taeyangs-instagram-updates-130418-photo.html
April 23 **** http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/04/g-dragons-twitter-conversations-with-seungri-and-taeyang-130423-trans.html
April 27 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/04/seung-chans-diary-this-place-is-nara-130427-photo.html
April 29 GD sprains ankle in Osaka
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