It had been awhile since I had last been to Beijing. The atmosphere was so exciting and brought back good memories. In my luggage case I had a classic suit and tie combo that I couldn't wait to wear on stage, and considering my own idol Timberlake had a new song about serenading a love with a suit and tie, I hoped I could maybe impress my own hyung.

     Honestly, I knew how much of a privilege it was to be a guest on his stage. I mean, I had to look good for him. I didn't want to disappoint him in any way or be any kind of nuisance for his audience. However, I also knew that being the troublesome, embarrassing Seungri was just part of my charm. So in the end, I made a plan for myself. I decided that, beyond anything else, I needed to be there to make everyone smile, to provide comfort. This was especially true in the case of my hyung. He was probably in pain because of that ankle, but being stubborn, he didn't show it. I had to be sure that he wasn't thinking of the pain. I had to convince myself that I could make laughter his medicine. Getting Jiyong to smile became a skill that I was confident about, absolutely.

     It was only May, but it was already so hot weather-wise. I had no idea how Jiyong could deal with all those layers of clothes and costumes. Anyway, when I visited his hotel suite to meet him again for the first time, I was surprised to find him sprawled out on an armchair in a simple t-shirt and what appeared to be swim trunks, or maybe they were just boxers. It had been so long since I had seen him that way, as the old Jiyong with the baggy jeans and wife beater tops, with the long wispy hair and the large head beanies. He was just Jiyong. No intimidation, no cold shoulder treatment. Seeing him this way just reminded me again that this was the way I always saw him, beyond all that. A sense of relief swept across me, like I was welcomed back home. Not in the way that I belonged here, because I was only a concert guest after all, but I belonged here, with him. He was already smiling when all I did was knock on his door and say hi. Or maybe I just had a dumb expression on my face, who knows.

"Seungriyah," he greeted me, standing up from his seat and opening his arms towards me. It just felt natural to walk into him and hug him, to pat his back and then continue to carry on some unfinished conversation from long ago.It was a feeling of simply getting back to where we last left off. Literally his next words were,"Hey let's go eat I'm starving" and "Dammit Seungriyah, you got me hooked on that dumb app." It wasn't much longer till we were at the hotel's restaraunt downstairs by the lobby. We were so busy chatting that I forgot how we even found the right elevator to use.

     In between the bites of noodles and chicken, he'd smile or reply to my questions or observations with short responses or little nods. Was I already talking too much? Or was he really just that hungry? I asked him if something was wrong. He started to play with the corners of the table cloth at our table, staring at the little flame of the white candle perched in the center.

"I can't believe I actually missed you," he groaned, but he was smiling and his eyes were teasing. So I was happy.

"So why are you being so quiet, hyung?" I asked him. He wasn't meeting my gaze.

He started off smiling so wide, really thinking about something, I guess, before burying his head into his hands. He stifled another groan into his palms.

"I just.."he started, lifting his head from his hands. He met my eyes this time but only for a few seconds before he was back into hiding his face again.

"I actually planned to have a serious talk with you about the show tomorrow and...but it turned into this because...and then I worried you'd be hungry and...just" he mumbled, threading his fingers through his hair.

"Oh! You wanted to talk business, hyung? Sure, what do you need me to do?"

"Ah, no its nothing, I just wanted to ask you what you had planned for the MC talks when I'm backstage getting ready for the next set. Its just been worying me a bit, I don't know..."

"What? Is there something in particular that you don't want me to say?"

"You know what it is, maknae."

And there it was.

"Hyung, you can't stop me from saying things like 'I love you' or embarassing you. If I like you, then I like you. I like to support my brothers and when I have something to say, I say it."

"I just wish you didn't," he sighed, pulling his plate away from him.

"Why? The audience likes it, right?"

"Seungriyah."

"What?"

"I just...You know...I don't know how to react when you say those things. Because everytime you say it, you sound so sincere. And then I just kind of get lost in thought and it takes me awhile to reply back."

"Okay, so why is saying "I love you too" so hard, then?"

"Because I don't want to hurt you. I can't say it like you can. I get a little worked up about it," he replied, biting his lip. "What the audience interprets and what you hear are different. I can't just boast about a girlfriend to the public or create another scandal again.  I'm at the point where I have to be careful. Most things I say? I don't care if I'm loved or hated for saying them. Honest. But when you're involved, when Seungri is involved, I just can't do it, maknae. I just can't say it."

I couldn't really decide if I should be happy or upset about Jiyong's reasoning.

"That's not going to stop me," I smiled.

"Of course," he sighed, shrugging down his shoulders in defeat.

"You don't have to worry about hurting me," I admitted. "Its okay, hyung. Really. You can keeping playing the heatbreaker role. But the thing is, my heart is yours. You can't hurt me. I'm strong. And I'm still not going anywhere."

     Before he could say anything else, our waiter came by and I quickly handed him one of my cards to pay for our bill. It was like a small victory to pay for Jiyong before he could protest and insist that he pay. Well, it was one of Jiyong's cards anyway. Not that it mattered.

     Taking the elevator back up with him to our rooms, I thought it would be fun to make a bet with him. Or maybe it was more of a challenge to just myself. Before we parted ways for the night, I took his hand in mine and swung our arms freely to the sound of the beeps that accompanied the passing of each floor up. I even found myself humming something to the rhythm of those beeps, and it must have been a recognizable tune, as he hummed along with me.

"Hey hyung."

"Hm?"

"I just thought of a game."

"What is it this time?" he complained, loosening the grip of our hands. I squeezed in reply. I wasn't ready to let go yet.

"Okay, so if I can get you to to say you love me too tomorrow at the show, I win a prize. If I don't, you win and get a prize."

"What are the prizes?" he smiled. This wasn't purely a light-hearted tease, at least not for me, but I'd play along.

"If you win, I'll never purposely annoy you again. I'll shut up and listen. I can do your laundry for a week."

"Yah!" he rolled his eyes,still smiling. "Not good enough. Make it a month of being good. Maybe two months.'

"Okay, fine," I nodded, swinging his arm again. "But if I win, I've decided to treat you like an ahjussi for a week. I'll totally embarrass you, play up your ankle injury, tell the media stories about how you-"

"Yah! Seungri!" he barked. "How is that any different from normal?"

"See? So if you lose, its not like it'll be a bad feat," I proposed. "So just let me win."

At that, he let go, and the elevator doors opened before us. He was shaking his head in disapproval.

"Night, hyung!"

He just kept shaking his head down the hallway.

"Get a good rest, punk."

------------

Being on stage with him was so much fun.

     As the clock ticked closer to the time of the show where I was to make my entrance, I felt my own usual confidence swell. I had so much energy in me. On my back was a G-Crew long black coat in white letters. He threw it at the back of my makeup chair just an hour before the show started. It wasn't mine to keep, I knew, so I could only hope that I wouln't sweat too much while wearing it.

     Unfortunately, I could already feel my skin perspirating at just the sound of the crowd as Jiyong introduced me as his guest. After that, the rest of the night was almost a blur. Singing, dancing, all of that was second-nature. The number of times I complimented my hyung, the usual glances towards the background dancers as we waited for the music to cue, the amount of times we asked the sea of yellow and black to jump, to scream, to sing along, all of that--The only thing I could clearly remember was somehow being so close to Jiyong. Even with the stage as huge as it was, even though spacing ourselves out to interact with different parts of the arena was what we had learned to do all those years, I just kept finding myself close to him, maybe too close. Him attempting to bite my finger off was well worth the touch of his lips, his gentle smiles, the pats on the back.

     But most importantly, even if he was quiet, even if he played shy, he said it.

He said it.

-----------------------------

     When it was time to leave for the airport to leave Beijing, his manager had brought out a cane for him to walk with. His ankle had swollen up. Beneathe the large frame sunglasses, he looked exhausted. I knew better than to say anything when he was like this. He had slept for the majority of the two-hour flight and I wasn't too far behind him. We awoke in just enough time to listen to the pilot's usual announcement before descent.

I couldn't tell if he was in any better of a mood. As we walked out of the tunnel that led us to the airport, he was still pretty quiet. So I figured I'd take my chances anyway and start the first joke.

     I had really surprised myself. From the terminal gate to baggage carriage pick-up to clear glass exit doors, all the way down escalators, through small crowds of fans taking pictures, he was laughing. Genuinely laughing. I played up my maknae role with my usual exaggeration, linking an arm around one of his and pointing down to the ground, watching his legs to make sure he would't trip over himself and that kind of thing. It was like helping an ahjussi cross the road, calling him oppa again and opening doors for him. Once we finally got to our car, he used his cane as a weapon against me. Our driver didn't even ask questions. I was smiling anyway.

"You are such a punk," he groaned again, throwing his head back against the back seat's head rest. "I shouldn't have let you win."

"Oh come on, hyung. Nothing bad happened from it,' I smiled, grabbing his cane from his lap and poking his knees with it.

"Yah, stop that," he complained lazily, trying to take his stick back. After three or four misses in the air, I figured he would just give up and let me mess with his walking accessory some more, but what I didn't see coming was the sharp elbow dig into my ribs. Of course he would smirk as I hunched over and lost my grip.

But what I also didn't see coming was being forced to sit back up again as he pressed his cane under my chin and used it to lift me up, staring at him face-to-face. All of a sudden I was trapped under his gaze as he observed me. I couldn't help but to start laughing to get rid of the tension.

"What's so funny, huh?" he smirked, before the stick under my chin was replaced by his thumb and index finger. After that, a wave of dizziness hit me as he pressed his lips against mine, if only briefly. He was smiling into it too, which just made the whole thing worse.Feeling a smile on my lips just made everything harder for me, just made it that much more difficult to breathe, to want to break free. I was so nervous and out of control that I couldn't loosen my jaw. I kind of just froze as he released me.

"What's wrong?" he laughed, patting a shoulder. I closed my eyes to make the little stars go away.

Perhaps this, of all the things Jiyong had done for me, done to me, perhaps this was my greatest victory so far.

------

     I had returned to Japan to start filming again, meeting up with comedians and other familiar faces, though of course I couldn't help but to be jealous that my hyungs over in Seoul had meanwhile been hanging out with some famous American actors at the studio. But work was work, and my duties as a host and comedian were still so much fun. I couldn't complain too much, I guess. I'd make sure to interrogate some people later to ask what Mr. Smith and his son were like, though.

    The month of May continued to be good for Jiyong hyung. He replied to my tweets, he told me I was cute. Trivial things, maybe, but it meant a big deal for me. I was even scheduled to be his concert guest again, this time in Shanghai. I was really looking forward to having fun with him. My manager booked my flight, some of my Japan activities were cancelled just to be there, and I had assumed that my performance visa was still valid, considering I was just in Beijing about two weeks ago.

     Somewhere along the line, there was a mishap. When I searched my name on the net, there was some confusion about there being a change in concert guests. There were comments mentioning Seunghyun hyung being the guest instead of me, and I had wondered how that had happened. I texted him and he didn't respond, of course, so I called my manager next. When I asked him, he figured they were just rumors. I asked him about the procedures of approving such paperwork, which turned into a small business talk. It was almost too much information to take in at once.

     After I hung up with him, I checked other websites as well, and fans had sent me messages.I just sat there in my apartment, back in Seoul now, reading comment after comment on my phone, on my laptop. My head started throbbing.

I shouldn't have looked. I really shouldn't have. Fans were angry. Whether it was towards me or the concert staff or whoever it was that was told that there was a change in guest, who knows. But it made me mad too. Disappointed, even. Hyun Suk called me up to his office. I already knew what he was going to say.

    I was under the impression that the fans in Shanghai didn't want to see me. It just reminded me again that my hyungs were still above me. They wanted to see Top. Jiyong called me, too, in the late evening, apologizing. But the wound was still fresh, and I didn't want to talk. It wasn't even so much as it was a blow to my ego, but rather a feeling of a kill to the excitement, to the hype. I just didn't have the energy.

"Hey, Seungriyah. Don't be like this," Jiyong crooned over the phone. "Its not like this is your fault. I mean, you're busy. Its not like you have time to look over the paperwork before it gets sent out for approval. Hell, I don't. Its not our job."

"Sure," was all I could say.

"Aish, don't give me that! I know you've got your poker face right now, don't fool with me. If you're mad, just say it! I'm here to listen, you know."

I could practically see him rolling his eyes, mentally cussing me out. Still, I said nothing.

"Okay, that's it. I'm hanging up before I-"

"Wait!"

"Oh good. He still listens," he sighed.

"Hey," I started, though unsure of what exactly I wanted to say. My thoughts just started babbling inside my head in complete chaos.

"Hey what?" he prompted.

I pinched at the top of my nose. "I'm, umm, I'm not feeling too well," I blurted out.

"Huh? Why, what's wrong? What hurts, maknae?"

"I don't even know any more. I want to see you."

"You can see me in a few days. You're still coming to Shanghai, right?"

"Would you let me visit you if I did? Even to just eat or talk or-I want to see you."

"Of course. Anytime. Let's meet up, okay? Don't do anything stupid until then, arassou?"

"Neh."

---------

     Fans had waited for me at the airport when I arrived. They even looked worried, which was the least of what I wanted. I couldn't just ignore them. I had to pretend I was okay. I was, anyway, for the most part. I just recieved a text from Master Hwang telling me to meet him in the hotel's gym. For once I thought it would be nice to blow off some steam. I was going to be okay. I'd be here to support Jiyong, if anything else.

     The view outside from the gym was really nice. As the trainer turned up the speed on my treadmill, I watched cars pull into the front, visitors walking acoss the parking lot with their luggage. The grass and trees were such a vivid green. I could see little waves of heat blare over the pavement. June was right around the corner.

     There were a few times I questioned myself though. Still. Why was I here, just relaxing at a hotel while Jiyong was over at the arena rehearsing? The thought kept occuring to me that I would have been there with him at that moment. Performing was simply never a thing I could get tired of. The bitter feeling wouldn't fade away as I wanted to.

     By the time I had showered and dressed, Jiyong had finally finished his usual press conference and rehearsals and was on his way back. He sent me a text about his struggle against choosing food first or choosing sleep. I was about to reply with something dumb until his next text loaded. "Oh nevermind, I'll choose Seungriyah first ^^" appeared on my screen. Why would he be like this all of a sudden? Especially since I had been hissing a fit these past few days. I didn't deserve this. There had to be a catch to this kindess. When I asked him about it across the dinner table, he tsked.

"Hey. You're not the only one who's dealt with the politics surrounding the entertainment industry," he replied calmly. "It happens. I know how it hurts to prepare your heart for something so much only to be rejected from it when the big opportunity finally happens. I get it."

---

He shared his suite with me.

The pillows were too soft.

"Hyung, don't you think the air conditioner is too cold in here?" I mumbled, laying still under all of the blankets. "Its bad for your vocal chords."

He rolled over and started to chuckle. It was too dark, too late. I couldn't see anything.

"Get up and fix the thermostat yourself then," he teased. "Here, I'll even help you get u-"

"Hyung!" I couldn't help but to squeal as his ice-cold fingers poked my neck. It took me a good minute of squirming under the sheets, detangling myself from all the fabric, before promptly getting up to mess with the little wall machine. I could feel his eyes on me, bursting into laughter after I tripped over my own two feet.

"And this is why I missed you," he said matter-o-factly while kicking his legs around.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I tried to whine, but I just ended up laughing along with him.

"Nothing, just come here," he ordered, patting the empty space of mattress beside him.

"You'll thank me later when your nose isn't frozen," I mumbled, crawling under the covers again. He reached for my arm in the dark and, after successfully finding it, tugged me closer towards his direction. I tried to move away but he threw a leg around my waist and at that point I gave up. Minutes passed before I started smelling the familiar scent of a heater.

"Ah. I can feel it,"he whispered.

"Feel what?"

"My nose. I can feel my nose," he laughed. "Good job, Seungriyah."

"Sure, whatever," I sighed. "You know, you need to sleep, hyung."

He answered with his usual reply of "I'll sleep when I'm dead," before rolling over to his other side, dragging me along with him.

I felt his chin dig into the top of my head. He had me facing him, wrapping his arms behind my back, still keeping his leg lazily over a hip.

"Has this ever felt weird to you, Seungriyah?" he breathed, pressing his lips onto my forehead. "You were so cute back then. I couldn't help it."

"Of course," was all I could say, and he stopped for a moment.

"Does it still feel weird?"

"Well," I hesitated. "Yes. But weird isn't a bad thing."

"How so?"

So I kissed him.

I kissed him the way I had wanted to kiss him.

I almost laughed at how easily he replied to it all. He pressed himself to me, and I remember thinking how warm indeed his nose was.

     I tried to break it off as soon as it had started, because I was already losing that control again, but Jiyong found my hand under the sheets and gave it a squeeze. I tried not to think about what was happening. I felt my face burning no matter where he brought his lips. His lips. His fingers. I became sort of hyper-aware of everything.

     This was the guy I had resented all these years, the hyung who disgusted me with his affections, how he would cradle me at night as if I were such a child, how he would bully and tease me. And now, here we were, like this. It was definietly weird. I wondered if it would be considered wrong to feel this way after all of that. I wasn't his baby brother anymore. I wasn't even playing the maknae role as much as I used to.

The way Jiyong loved really was different. I still never knew what he was thinking, how he really thought of me after all this.

Cautiously, I pressed a hand to his cheek. I wondered if he would try to bite my hand off again. Instead, he placed a hand over it, and he pulled away to meet my gaze gently.

"You're right, it's different," he smiled, his lips.

"Does it feel wrong?" I asked.

"Maknae has always felt a little wrong," he smiled. "Always too troublesome for your own good."

I shook my head at him. "Hey, but you're the one that said he wanted to get in trouble with me."

"Yep, that's still the same," he nodded. "I like walking over edges. Its such a thrill."

That sounded like such a GD thing to say. So I smiled.

"Yah! I know what you're thinking!" he barked."I'm just like this, okay? Get over it."

Once I nodded, he let go of me completely and I was free. I tried squirming away to give him more room for himself but the next thing I knew, he was pulling me back in again.

"Aish, no, stay close," he groaned, hugging me from behind. 'I'm going to sink into the mattress at this point. Everything's too soft. Be my body pillow."

So I whined. He freed a hand for a moment to swat at my head.

"Yah!" he laughed. "Don't even try."

I had already settled into him anyway.

I didn't have any dreams that night, though even just being like this with him again was more like a dream itself. I sent out a small prayer that my hyung would have a good show, and even if I couldn't be with him myself, I would always be his supporter, if all else failed.

Somewhere between sleep and awake, I felt him squeeze me just a little closer.

"I love you, Seungriyah," he whispered, smoothing his digits over my back.

I had hoped my sleep-slurred words were clear enough for him to make out. I didn't even know what I was trying to say, but the sound of his laughter echoed in my thoughts. And that was all I would want to hear for a long time.

A/N edit:

May 5 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/05/seung-chans-diary-this-is-beijing-in-china-130505-photo.html

May 5  Ri declaring his love for GD on stage again <3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9zpTuigp9U

MAY 6 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/05/g-dragon-and-seungri-one-of-a-kind-world-tour-in-beijing-130505-photo.html

http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/05/g-dragon-and-seungri-gimpo-airport-back-from-beijing-130506-photo.html

fancams of gri on youtube (during encore) :

/watch?v=vjU3vMinTmw

/watch?v=8xEvewBA6xE

May 7 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/05/g-dragon-t-o-p-taeyang-and-other-yg-family-members-with-will-and-jayden-smith-130506-photo.html

May 9 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/05/seungri-hyung-this-is-to-cute-130509-photo.html

May 11 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/05/seung-chan-diary-update-130510-photo.html

May 14 Ri i Kyotohttp://bigbangupdates.com/2013/05/seung-chans-diary-im-in-kyoto-130514-photo.html

May 20 Ri back in Korea http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/05/seungri-gimpo-airport-back-from-japan-130520-photo.html

May 25 not performing in Shanghai http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/05/hwang-ssabu-posts-a-photo-of-seungri-working-out-in-shanghai-130525-photo.html

More about the Shanghai issue: https://cameliacumel.wordpress.com/2013/05/28/a-vips-analysis-of-why-seungris-guest-performance-in-shanghai-was-cancelled/