Hyun Suk had given us time off for the new year, so of course as soon as we heard we were free for a while, I called up the family and old college friends to see if they wanted to get together. I kept myself busy with my cell phone, texting happy holiday messages all the while filling up whatever empty wholes in my schedule I had. It was like I was my own manager for awhile, in charge of my own meeting times and the like.

     I had met Mom not even a month ago for my birthday, but now I was with Dad and Hanna too, eating Mom's kimbap while watching the sun rise on Kang Won Do beach in east Korea. It was an exhausing five hour drive as it was, but I also had to deal with my sister's dog who I had only just now met. Every time I tried to sleep in the back seat, her dog would start sniffing around and climbing over my lap to scratch at the car doors. Sure, I loved my sister, but I had almost forgotten these kind of little things, like how dogs didn't seem to like me, like Gaho for instance, and that Hanna took great joy in seeing me have the same bad relationship with her own pet. We bickered in the back seat for awhile until she finally fell asleep herself, which then allowed me time to have a good conversation with the parents. They told me how much they missed me, how even my sister missed me, and just that they were so happy and so proud. The hours stuck in traffic passed by very quickly then.

     The beach was crowded and the winds were stong and cold, but the sunset was breathtaking, dying the sky a vibrant stain of pinks and oranges. I could just stand there and admire it for hours if I wanted to. Mom took my hands in hers and warmed them with her gloves, smiling at me with sparkling eyes. She asked me about the members, about Jiyong. She told me she was happy to see me smiling at the sky, because she often did so when she knew I was in another country. She told me to call her more, that she had been calling Jiyong's mom often just to ask about me. She teased that Jiyong was a better son to his mother than I was. I just stuffed my hands in my coat pocket then and pouted. Dad laughed and pulled us over to where he and Hanna were standing, close to the shore.

     Dad had pulled out some slips of paper from his pants pocket and a pen. He told us all to write a new year's wish on the slip and then read them aloud to the family before releasing it into the air. Of course, I thought. Dad liked doing these kinds of things. He could be such a softie, but Mom loved him for it, so I didn't complain. From youngest to oldest, Hanna said she wished for a boyfriend, I wished for the family's good health, Mom wished for our safety and happiness, and Dad wished for me to be a world star. I almost choked on my spit until I realized he was smiling in that sly way of his. He laughed loudly, a sound similar to my own laugh, and said I still owed the family. He thanked me for helping with the debt, and I just told him I would try harder. I couldn't really tell if he was joking or not, but figured he meant it. The paper slips had left our grasps now, floating somewhere on the surface of the ocean, probably.

--

     New year ambitions aside, the remaining of the first week of the year was spent doing absolutely nothing productive at Konjiam Resort. Skiing with the college hyungs for a few hours in the extreme cold was enough of a feat to send us back to the warm hotel in the late afternoon, and even though we all had plenty of money we could have wasted, we chose to keep things cheap instead by simply watching movies in our shared suite and ordering in snacks. Even after a long hot shower, I still couln't quite shake off the numb coldness in my bones. We huddled up all the free robes and extra blankets we could find.

     I didn't even know Jiyong and Youngbae had also made plans to stay at the resort until the next day, when we all went down to the lobby for a complimentary breakfast buffet. I could spot them at the reception desk, checking in and asking the clerk questions. I couldn't help but to smile when I saw Jiyong's usual luggage bag; the thing could be noticed anywhere, it was so loud with its big stickers. Gu Won hyung, sitting next to me, had elbowed me in the arm and smirked. Needless to say, he knew what was going on. I rolled my eyes. He suggested we prank call their room or something, but the wrath of Jiyong was far too great, I told him.

     But somehow he talked me into it, or rather bullied me as hyung. So now I was standing in front of Jiyong and Youngbae's presumed suite while Gu Won knocked at the door and I just stood there in a nervous sweat. But the thrill had me on a high, and Gu Won was smiling and pressuring me to say the lines. So I mimicked Hyun Suk's voice and sure enough we all exploded into laughter as soon as we heard the reaction from inside. We made a run for it, opting for the emergency stairwell rather than the elevators, and then everything passed me in blurs and distorted jazz lobby music.

We were laughing and running at the same time until I heard a yelp from behind me, only to find a short-of-breath Youngbae grabbing Gu Won by the hood of his sweatshirt, and I knew this was the end. When I turned around to meet my fate, Jiyong had an evil little grin on his face.

"You think this was funny, Seungriyah?" he panted, arms crossed.

"Its hilarious. You're smiling, hyung," I replied bluntly.

"Yah!"

I started to make a run for it, but I forgot how athletic Jiyong actually was. Next thing I knew, he was pulling me by the ear and dragging me back to Youngbae and Gu Won, already at the hallway we were running from, just a few rooms away from the suite.

"You don't just abandon your friends like that, maknae," Youngbae smilied. He had obviously been having a pleasant conversaion with my friend. Its not like he was being serious.

"Neh hyung," I smiled.

"Aish, we came here to get away from you, and yet you're still here," Jiyong laughed. If this were me a few years ago, I would have been offended. But this was Jiyong, and he really did just tease too hard.

"You know you'd miss me, hyung," I scrunched my nose and stuck out my tongue. There was already a new smile replacing his supposed expression of annoyance. He just shook his head at the floor and bit on his lower lip. When he lifted his head back up to meet my gaze, his brown eyes were warm and his features were softened with his affection. He mouthed "pabo" before giving me a rough shove, and then he was off with Youngbae back to their suite.

As we made our way back to the lobby, I asked Gu Won what he talked about with Youngbae.

"Oh you know, just hyung stuff. Make sure you're happy and not doing anything stupid."

I groaned and hunched over in defeat. He pat my back and chuckled. "Oh come on. He's really nice! I bet if he were my classmate and not you, he'd actually be helpful and kind."

"Yah!"

---

My little vacation was short-lived, but that was fine by me. I still had my ambition, and it was time to turn a new leaf.

     I was going to be returning to Japan soon to film for more shows and then join the team in Osaka for the last of the final dome tour there. But before that, I had some business to take care of at YG.

     Making my way to the seventh floor was always an emotional experience. The seventh floor meant offices, meeting rooms, the business side to things. I never walked out from the elevator without feeling either depressed or overwhelmed, because Hyun Suk's conversations with me were always tough love.

     I was there because I had completed a song, a solo song that he had wanted me to write and present. This was going to be a big day. Either he send me back to the drawing board, or he let me have a second solo album. It was there on the seventh floor that my ambition for singing had been renewed, really. It was only about two months ago that I had finished my solo promotions in Japan as a sort of actor and host. Somewhere along the line, I had lost my confidence as a singer. I wasn't inspired, not in a creative way. I just sang my parts in the concerts, and then that was it. But Hyun Suk called a meeting after I returned to Seoul to talk with me, and things were said there that I would rather not revisit.

     What I had prepared for him to judge me upon was a song true to my heart. I decided it was okay to talk about Japan, about the woman I had been seeing, the woman who saw me at my most vulnerable at a dimly-lit restaurant on Jiyong's birthday, that woman who said things about me in a dumb magazine. I didn't really have a true chorus for it yet, but it would later be called "bad girl." All the boss said about the matter was that it wasn't bad and it was at least better than what he had expected of me. That was all it took before he sent me on my way. I had an appointment with Hwangssabu that he was aware of.
     From there, obviously my emotions were a mess again. I couldn't do any of the fitness routines properly in the gym. Ssabunim was probably having a hard time getting me to focus on his sets. At some point, I just sort of had a breakdown while doing sit-ups. I was shaking, quivering, crying silently. The trainer didn't know what brought this on, but he brought me a water bottle which I refused, he got out a protein shake that he knew I loved, and I refused. He asked me to talk about it, but I couldn't.  The truth was, I was happy. Overwhelmingly happy, because I had just been given another chance to go solo again. I was going to sing; not act, not just be the guy who cracked jokes and brightened the mood. I was going to sing. It was such a simple thing.

The trainer let me leave early since I still couldn't really calm myself down. I wanted to go back to my apartment and just try writing songs. Singing and singing, writing whatever I wanted.

---

     The weeks leading to the final concerts in Seoul, the end of the tour, rushed by far too quickly. I had schedules in Japan or would be in Korea occasionally to work on the solo project, meanwhile Jiyong was also working on his second album in between the meetings and rehearsals for his own solo concert tour that had just been announced, in addition to having schedules in Malaysia, London, and Paris. Daesung had been in Japan preparing very seriously for his own Japanese solo album and concert tour, which was now not even a month away. Seunghyun was still working hard on his movie. Youngbae was also working on a solo album.

     On the last day, we were all extremely quiet. We had done this dozens of times. Press meetings, rehearsals, warming up backstage, trying to relax, microphone checks, standing in the pods before the curtain dropped, and then just blank thoughts as we look at the flashes and lights of the audience. All of that was the same as always.

     This time, while stretching on the floor before the show, I felt hands push at my back as I was leaning over to stretch my hamstrings. Of course I knew those hands anywhere. Jiyong squat down to his knees and plopped down, sitting by my side. When I fully sat up to turn my head and look at him, he was smiling gently, but his eyes were sad. I asked him what was wrong.

"This is the last time I'm going to get to monitor your solo from backstage," he teased, wiping his eyes in a fake gesture of sadness. I rolled my eyes and pushed him. He laughed and tilted back up as if he were one of those wobbly dolls that always bounced back up no matter how hard it was pushed. I told him precisely that, and he had me laughing with his flailing limbs slapping against the ground. I noticed Seunghyun was joining along with him in his makeup chair. After a good laugh, Jiyong scooted himself closer and placed a hand over my own.

"But hey. Maknae, in all seriousness," he smiled, smoothing a thumb over my knuckles. "The boss told me about that thing you're working on. I'm excited for it. I'll get to see you have a solo stage again."

"What did he say about it?"

"He didn't say much," he sighed, shaking his head. "But you know how he is. You'll be great, Seungriyah."

I stared down at the ground, trying not to think much about what he just said. Jiyong was being kind, being supportive. He made me happy, he made that lonely feeling that I sometimes felt in Japan fade away.

"And another thing," he started. "Ssabunim told me about your little episode. Why didn't you come to me about it?"

I pulled my free hand to cover my face and groan.

"That was just me being embarrassingly happy, hyung. I'm sorry," my voice shook just thinking about the seventh floor.

"Wait, what?" he laughed. "Ssabu made it seem like you were hurt, and was asking me if I had teased you too hard again or something. I wasn't even in the studio building that day. He had called me in a panic and everything."

"Well it was nothing, hyung. I just kind of...had too many thoughts. The boss had just given me the ok to go solo again, and I was happy, but it also scares me."

"You? Scared? Of what, failure?" he asked carefully, and he held my gaze.

"Not just failure," I started,"but acceptance. Acceptance as an artist, producing my own tunes. I've been in G-Dragon's shadow this whole time. I don't want to get in the way, I don't want the things I've learned musically from you to be viewed as mediocre. I don't want the fans comparing us and thinking I don't deserve to be where I am right now. With the band, with you."

"Hm," he pursed his lips. "I see your point, but you're not going anywhere, Seungriyah. You're here, with us, with me, and I won't let them hurt you. Either they like your music or they don't. You know that. You won't fail, maknae. I've never seen Victory fail," he smiled, playing with my hands, drumming his fingers against my palms, tracing swirls along the fingerprints.

"Your hands are freezing," I complained, using my free hand to cover his.

"Well, I'm scared too, so I'm cold" he laughed. "This is the last show of the tour, and then the after party, and then we each do our own thing, and we'll be busy. I'm going to be busy working, I mean really busy. I'll probably snap," he sighed. "I don't know when I can see you again after this, and I'm worried you're going to be chasing after a woman again when I'm gone."

"Hyung," I smiled. "I learned my lesson, okay? I don't want Youngbae ignoring me again."

"Just Youngbae?" he pouted.

"And of course, I don't want my favorite hyung missing by my side when I want to get in trouble," I grinned and lifted a hand from his to present him with a pinky. "Here. Yakusoku desu. Its a promise."

"Yah! We're not in Japan, speak Korean," he complained, but he linked his pinky with mine anyway and mouthed a short,"yubikiri."

Shortly after, the noonas found us and we gathered back to our dressing rooms.

We bowed to our audience in our utmost sincerity, and just like that, our tour had ended.

----

     The after party was lively, of course, even with a missing Daesung. Seunghyun tried to drag him along, but he was obviously exhausted as his Japanese solo promotions were closer than ever. I wanted to leave early myself, but Seunghyun said he needed a maknae to pick on and I was the only choice. So I pulled on a blazer and a white button down shirt and off we went to YG's restaraunt in Hongdae.

     Each of us kind of split off and socialized with our own friends, and the alcohol was certainly flowing. After loosening up, Youngbae had been twirling around a pole and Jiyong was recording it all on his phone. Seunghyun soon enough called me over to pour me a new drink before flicking my nose and laughing lowly for no apparent reason, and one of our managers was already close to falling asleep at the bar. Jiyong was having a good time with producers and other YG Family friends, and I figured it was okay to leave. I thought I might as well take the the exhausted manager with me as I made my way toward the exit, but Jiyong had tugged on an arm halfway there through the chaos.

"Hey," he smiled. He stuck out a thumb and pointed behind him where another staff member had already obviously needed to go home.

"Looks like I'm errand boy again," I sighed. Jiyong chuckled. "No, no, I'll help you! Walk with me," he ordered with a small nod of his head to follow him. "You get him, I'll get the one over there."

Walking and dragging along extra weight didn't even appear to phase Jiyong. He was laughing watching me struggle. By the time we were outside in the cold air, our beloved staff members were awake enough to call a cab and knew where they stood. It felt good to be outside myself, waking me up as well. 

"Ready to go home, maknae?" he smiled, watching the street for taxis. There were hardly any cars at this hour. He fixed his gaze on me for a moment. "You've already got a mustache growing back."

Had I really? Sure enough, my fingers felt a little stubble above my upper lip. Jiyong's eyes followed my fingers slowly before he decided to close our distance and feel for himself. "And your collar's a little crooked," he laughed, cold digits sweeping from my lips to my neck. If I held my breath, it would be obvious because the cold air would show it. I flinched a bit and shivered.

I stood very still as he, unexpected as always, had leaned in and pressed his lips to the corner of my mouth. In a panic, I pulled away and looked for watching eyes. It seemed Jiyong understood, as he too turned around. ", I couldn't help it," he cursed. A taxi was just then making its way down the narrow street from a far distance.

"Hyung." I tried to give him a look, but he was already looking at me apologetically. 

"Sorry" was all he said before he was in my space again, playing with my hands some more. "Go get some rest, okay? I'll see you...when I see you," he said carefully, backing away. Another taxi was also on its way, but I let another dead-beat staff member take it instead. Jiyong waited outside with me and had a smoke.

The night turned quiet, but of course it was as loud and booming as ever in the buildings. I was ready to go.

"Good show today, hyung," I gave a thumbs up as I opened the backseat car door to my getaway. He let out a puff of smoke and nodded. Youngbae was approaching not far behind him, and I knew he was there to fetch his best friend back.

As the car drove off, I watched the hyungs retreat back to the restaurant, and sure enough they were out of sight not a minute later. 

Leaning back into the headrest, I had drifted off to a short experimental melody playing about inside my head. And then I couldn't wait to get home, lips still warm, hands still cold.

A/N edit:

Seungri with his family on New Year's Day:http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/01/seung-chans-diary-with-family-130101-photos.html

http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/01/seung-chans-diary-update-130103-photos.html

http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/01/taeyang-yessir-130105-instagram.html

http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/01/hwang-ssabu-tweets-photo-of-seungri-working-out-130107-phototwitter.html

http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/01/g-dragon-2013-world-tour-in-japan-dome-special.html

The hyungs always watch Ri's solo stage <3 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/01/g-dragon-star-column-bigbang-behind-story-of-the-world-tour.html

http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/01/t-o-p-g-dragon-seungri-taeyang-with-a-staff-school-food-in-hongdae-130127-photos.html

http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/01/after-party-big-bang-yg-family-nb1-130127-photosvideos.html

http://ygunited.com/2013/01/30/taeyang-surprises-fans-with-his-pole-dancing-skills/

http://www.tenasia.com/archives/70779

http://saraseoul.tumblr.com/post/58022923872/seungris-facebook-update-translation-big-bang