After the Electric Love Tour in Japan, I had to fly back to Seoul again to attend Chung-Ang University's entrance ceremony. There was so much I needed and wanted to learn that the entertainment industry just couldn't teach, so I was beyond thrilled when I found out I was accepted back in October. I still wanted to be useful, I still wanted to try to be perfect.

The induction speeches made my veins pulse with adrenaline and my heart pound in excitement. My head throbbed just from piecing all the inspirational quotes together. The auditorium was dark, but the little stage lights were so bright and clear. I thought of Jiyong.

You're here because you chose to be. Be your own person, pursue what makes you passionate. Live and never hold back.

Somewhere in the back of my head, I realized I was going to have to talk to Jiyong. I didn't know when or how, but I was positive that something was going to have to happen if I truly wanted to pursue what made me happy. I had to stop doubting and lyring to myself; it was time to push through again with confidence and sureness. Maybe I wouldn't really have to fake it this time.

Meeting new people and talking to them became a little hobby when I was on campus. I liked chatting and finding new groups to dance or play soccer with, and I also found myself comparing the friends I made to the BIGBANG members.

This one over here was too kind and had a quirk for doing strangly hilarious things, like Daesung. That girl over there had strong, smoky eyes to exude a mysterious presence, like Seunghyun. Another guy was short but strong in his movements, masculine and healthy, like Youngbae.

I didn't really meet anyone who reminded me of Jiyong. There were girls who had similar thin body frames like him or guys who walked around everywhere with headphones in their ears like him, but no one had his gummy smile or nasally arrogant voice or signature fashion. No one had the hot temper or the cold, judging stare like Jiyong. No one had the flaws or habits that I had grown used to. But maybe that was okay.

I did eventually date the Seunghyun girl, along with many other fine women. It was never really about love, not really, just as long as they had soft skin and a quiet mattress. I was young and the world was my oyster. Why not, I thought. Jiyong ws probably living a wild life too, right? Maybe even more so, now that I wasn't at our dorm anywhere as much. He probably took advantage of my absence. Maybe he had some new love songs now.

Still, I wondered if he ever thought of me, like I did of him.

---------------------------------------------------

When I wasn't in class, I was in Japan with the group for award shows or music video shoots. We were successful in the Japanese market, only strengthening our fan base. Confidence was starting to come easily to me now, building up and swelling my ego. There was pride there, winning awards in Japan while representing Korea. It felt real, it felt good.

"Yah."

It was the last week of May and we were at the VMA Japan After Party at an extremely crowded club somewhere. I didn't really know; I was kind of drinking a lot and flirting with random women. Everything was kind of hazy at that point, but I remember a cold, bony hand gripped around my left wrist.

"Yah, maknae."

Jiyong's voice was cold and stern, and he looked angry, the quiet kind of angry, bottled up.

"Ah, hyung, I was just-"

"Stop."

He gripped my wrist tighter. It was a good thing he didn't have nails to claw into me because I'm sure he would have. He looked me dead in the eye.

"I don't want to hear it. You're drunk."

He tugged then, and I stumbled into the direction of the pull. I was confused at first, but then guilt started bubbling up as Jiyong pulled me farther and farther from the dance floor. He was walking me to an exit door, a separate door that lead to a little alleyway outside, away from the bouncers. As soon as the spring night air blew out and dried my sweaty skin, I started becoming more alert. Jiyong wasn't there, and I couldn't go back in. Sighing, I rested my back against the brick walls and slid down to sit, wrapping my arms around my tucked knees as I recalled what happened. I was showing off, I was sure, and she looked intrigued and ready for the taking. My Japanese wasn't good yet, but she nodded and then I realized she might be the wrong kind of woman, or anyone could be watching, and I was definitely drawing attention to myself.

Half an hour later, the back door opened and Jiyong stepped out to hand me a wine glass of water.

"You know what you did, right?" Jiyong warned as I downed my water.

"Yes, hyung."

He squatted down to my eye level.

"That wasn't you, Seungriyah."

I nodded.

"Its fine to let loose and I know you like to flirt, but here wasn't the place. Don't forget you're an adult, and an idol, at that. Be more responsible."

"Yes, hyung."

He clucked his tongue and kicked the wall.

"You have no idea what I and the manager just did to save your ," he spit out.

"What?"

He huffed and reached for my hand this time, and pulled again, only I didn't trip over him this time.

"Come on," Jiyong ordered, and I realized our van was parked outside.

"We're going home. Just be quiet."

"Yes, hyung."

He kept his hand wrapped into mine on the ride back. The buzz was over.

"Just sleep," Jiyong sighed.

I slowly nodded and felt his fingers tangle themselves into the hairs at the back of my neck. I decided to close my eyes and enjoy the warmth.

"Aish. This is why you can't be trusted," he whispered, tone annoyed.

"I'm sorry," I mouthed. I don't think he heard.

"Its..its when you do stupid stuff like this...," he sighed, and I pretended not to listen, "that I have to come back to you to take care of the maknae."

I swallowed, and hoped he couldn't feel my pulse in his hands.

"I don't like having to come back to you after trying to let you go. Either grow up or stay this way."

I remained quiet, pretending to be asleep. I felt his stare, and he sighed again.

A/N edit:  Seungri at college orientation <3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3f75cZchSU