I hadn't really seen the other BIGBANG members in a while, so being together again for our first concert of the year was refreshing, to say the least. It was a wake-up call for me; this was where I started, as part of a group. There were other other members other than just Jiyong or myself.

At one of our first days of rehearsals at our demo stage that YG had built for us, I remember staring at the center of the stage's floor, marked in white tape with an X. A hand squeezed my shoulder from behind and I snapped from my daze.

"Hey."

Youngbae smiled at me, half-teasingly and half in earnest.

"You doing okay, maknae?"

I stared back at Youngbae, unsure what to say. I looked down at the floor again, and he nodded.

"Is Jiyong still teasing you too hard at your dorm together?"

I tugged at the hem of my t-shirt and rolled my eyes. Youngbae laughed lightly and punched my arm.

"You're handling it well. We tease you, but we care for you, okay?"

I nodded and pretended to understand. Actually, it wasn't that Jiyong was over-teasing me, but rather that he wasn't teasing me much at all. He was more quiet nowafays, or he was gone, either with Teddy at the studio or with friends at small clubs or restaurants.

"I missed you guys," I decided to say instead. Youngbae smiled and poked his microphone in his hands to test if the sound was on. After a few thuds of static, he pressed the mic to his mouth.

"Yah, maknae says he missed us!"

I groaned and walked away from him, and the others laughed.

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In the blink of an eye, the Big Show concerts were over. Three days of adrenaline and burning throats, and I absolutely loved it.

At the very end, once the encore was over, we reached our hands out for the final bow. In the corner of my eye, I saw Jiyong briskly walking up to me and felt his fingers fold into mine. We took our bow and Jiyong squeezed my hand. We stood back up in sync and he turned his head to me and smiled before looking back out into the audience. Beads of sweat covered his face and neck, and maybe his eyes were watering too. The screams of the fans were deafening and we were all on a high.

For me, my happy place was here, beside Jiyong. I didn't want to let go yet, but Jiyong released our hands to wave and blow kisses.

I stared out into the audience as well now, reading the sign boards and following the motions of the waving yellow lights. Saranghae! Hwaiting! Jjang! These were all their words that I wanted to say myself, over and over again. To them, to others, to Jiyong.

The lights dimmed and now it was time to exit stage left. Onwards to Japan now, I thought, on to another tour of concerts. I built up the courage to reach for Jiyong's hand again as we walked off, and he pretended to swat it away before laughing and grasping it in return. Maybe Jiyong would be in a better mood this year. Maybe the teasing could start up again, and I could dream that he really did care, maybe more than I cared, maybe not.