Our Big Show to complete our comeback, the very first concert to kick start our world tour, took place in March. The amount of hype and stress that had surrounded us was overbearing. Cameras were everywhere, and I couldn't help but to break out into a nervous sweat. I was supposed to be confident, but I could only act. Jiyong's patience was long gone, as was my own with him.

      Then I had a frightening thought: if this entire year was going to be compacted with touring, would Jiyong's usual promotion habits continue? Would he keep this distance?

      Jiyong told me not to expect too much from him, and now I knew what was meant to be done on my part. When I wanted something, I rarely waited to obtain it. All I wanted was his affection, his attention. I wanted the old Jiyong, the one who would yell "maknae is mine" and keep me close. So now it was my turn, and I was willing to make some sacrifices.

      A week later, I had officially dropped out of Chung-Ang University. Being on academic probation yet again and now knowing I would only continue to miss classes due to the tour, I figured it was time I did. The only instance I could even think of having time to study would be on the flights or drives to our tour locations, but even then, I'd probably be too sleep-deprived to stay awake.

      In addition to not having to worry about studying or taking exams anymore, dropping out also suspended my visits with college girls, meaning I could show Jiyong that I was serious. He had told me girls would get in the way, and I had decided to make it a strong oath to extinguish anything that blocked me from being his.

      My manager told me to consider taking online classes. I told him I would. When I told the members about my decision, they also agreed about looking into an online university. Maknae's education is important, they said. They knew how I was interested in the business side of things, and they wanted the best for me. Jiyong's stern gaze was particularly strong day, pulling me in to listen, to make smart choices. He would occasionally lower his eyes to survey my left wrist, enveloped in his bracelet. Seunghyun, the joker as ever, brought up that online classes would keep me away from women, and I observed right away that Jiyong knew what I was doing. There was a certain flash in his brown eyes, brows slightly lifted, tight lips curved into the slightest smirk. He knew.

      At the end of March, Japan's version of the Alive album was released, including two new tracks, one of which would be the opening credits song to an anime. I was psyched. My Japanese was vastly improving, and the managers had told us it would be very likely for BIGBANG to have more opportunities to be guests on Japan's shows in the near future. Daesung's Japanese was also greatly improving as our Japan tour was set to start in a little over a month; we started looking into comedy skits. For once, my closeness with Daesung was on stable grounds, especially now that Jiyong was still in one of those moods. Daesung provided a different kind of happiness; he was the sort of character that perhaps I needed most at that time: one who could never hurt me, with the most kindness of all of us, someone unlike Jiyong.

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    Even after two months since Alive's release, we were still being asked to guest on Korea's variety shows. After our recent visits with the cast of Stong Heart, Healing Camp, and Running Man, our next scheduled trip was to the recording studio of the latest Go Show. I didn't want to say anything about it for sure, but I was under the impression that Jiyong was slowly slipping back into one of his better phases, appearing more relaxed. Even if this was just him turning on his charms for television, it still gave me hope.

    My own luck, however, wasn't favorable that day in early April. although it certainly seemed the opposite at first. The stylist and hair noonas took great care in preparing us, making us laugh in our make-up chairs along the way. We were all warmed-up for the crowd and experienced plenty of laughing fits on camera. My own hyena laugh was in full throttle, and I didn't have a care in the world. Youngbae had recently gifted me with his own preference of a Chrome Hearts bracelet, one that was more sturdy than Jiyong's. I wore Youngbae's on my left wrist and Jiyong's on my right, and both took notice in how I waved my hands around animatedly, responsive and teasing.

    Jiyong had worn a bright red handkerchief around his own right wrist that day, claiming it as some sort of key fashion point, and the fool I was, I thought I could mock him. Sometimes I got away with it, but most times victory did not suit my name. He was still the golden child, after all.

    I had brought a handkerchief of my own, a black one, and waved it around, laughing and caught up in the moment of teasing him. Within a second, the clasp had let loose, releasing all the charms in mid-air, and the metal had made it's way with gravity to thump onto the hard ground.

I just stared down at it, in shock, until I felt warm hands examining my wrist.

"You okay?" Jiyong inquired, trying to turn my head to look at him, but I could only continue to stare downwards.

"I'm fine, hyung, but--your--its--" I stuttered, already bending down to pick up the larger of the broken pieces and gathering it into my handkerchief, now on my knees, in a daze. I wasn't sure if the cameras were still recording, so I kept my poker face. Jiyong had squatted to the ground beside me, and Youngbae had joined in, as we spent the next few minutes trying to find the missing pieces. A few of the show's staff got up on stage to help us look, too, until it was time to get back into our seats and continue filming.

   When we went on break after the first part of recording, I had stayed behind on stage to continue looking for the missing pieces. I had spent so much time staring at that bracelet when it was around my wrist that I had memorized the bits of it, every little detail that made it special. So I knew what to look for, and tried not to show my desperation to the audience. It didn't take much longer to complete my collection, and then I was off to join my hyungs in the break room. For the rest of the show, Jiyong would throw me apologetic glances, and other times he even looked a little angry, but I recognized it as teasing. "Aish," he groaned at me during break, "its your own fault, you know," to which I'd whine back and ask him why his choice of bracelet had to be so flimsy.

"Its kind of like you, isn't it?" he smiled gently at me, hands on my wrist again backstage. Everyone else was in the breakroom snacking on fruits or getting touch-ups on their makeup, while here we were, Jiyong and I, standing in a corner, looking around for a scrap of something to drop the bracelet contents into.

"I'm not flimsy," I huffed. He laughed, his thumbs along the part of my wrist bone that stuck out a bit, his chewed-off nails attempting to soothingly scratch the skin.

"Seungriyah, you were the one who said flimsy, not me," he chided. I rolled my eyes, trying to take my mind off whatever he was doing with my wrist. Jiyong had a way with touch, and all I could do was remember to breathe.

"I chose it because it was pretty," he continued, his lips. "I looked at it for a long time when I bought it, you know. It looked strong and gaudy, like how you project all that confidence and like to show off. But the charms were so small, like maknae. It seemed so you."

He stopped petting my wrist to allow me to breathe again, simply smiling down at the clump of broken metal wrapped in my black handkerchief.

"Overly confident, small maknae, with the delicate trinkets, because he makes so many slip-ups that I can't even count, and that's when I break him. Because he just won't stop," he teased.

"Stop what?" I asked. He looked up at the ceiling then, his thinking habit, and pursed his lips.

"Being you, I guess," he shrugged. "Even if it breaks you."

"How would it break me?"

He shook his head, left and right, seemingly so sure in what he was saying.

"It wouldn't be you, it would be me to break you. If maknae were to ever change, like he's tried to, then I might break you just to get you back. Its that control issue again," he breathed. "The possessiveness," he whispered.

What he wasn't saying was the word love, like I figured he wouldn't, but I tried to be happy anyway. It was a start. So I nodded, smiling back at him, and made the boldest decision to lean my head into his chest standing up. It wasn't like anyone in the room was watching us anyway, so I pressed my lips into his collarbone, and his body went rigid for a few fleeting moments.

"I'm yours," I told him, yet again. He sighed, relaxing himself, and wrapped his arms around me, hands behind my head, fingers combing into my short, prickly hair.

"I get it, Seungriyah," he whispered. "I know."

"I won't change," I assured him. He said nothing more, as he let me go. It wouldn't be too much longer until the show had to go on, as we were the guests and had a job to do. So I set down the broken pieces on an empty corner of a makeup table, stared into my reflection while I was there, and could only put on my brightest smile.

A/N edit: about losing bracelet in Go Show: http://www.dkpopnews.net/2012/04/info-bit-more-clarification-about.html

about Ri dropping out: http://www.soompi.com/2012/03/09/bigbang-seungri-drops-out-of-college-to-focus-on-career/