Maybe it was simply because we hadn't been promoting in Korea as a group for so long, but as the red blinking dot of the recording cameras blazed and reflected into my eyes, in his eyes, it was a wonder I didn't push away the new touches.

     The image of Jiyong's tanned skin, searing cinnamon eyes, and short choppy blonde hair was constantly looking my way as he talked and laughed for the audience. Interviews and meetings were actually fun. Sometimes when he'd sit next to me, his hand would linger over my thigh, fingers tapping with spider-like touches, or he'd pucker his glossed lips in exaggeration. BIGBANG was back, and I figured he was just hamming up the fanservice.

     This time, more aware, I smiled and let myself lean into him or take whatever kind of teasing punishment he offered to inflict. The sadness in his eyes was absent and whatever burdens he still carried were probably close to weightless. We were topping the charts and our schedules were incredibly busy again.

--–––––––––––

"How about some coffee?"

     One of the noonas, concerned, had pulled out her cellphone and announced she was going to make a coffee run because there was a local cafe nearby and we obviously weren't getting enough sleep. We were at a little lounge area backstage at the concert arena we always used, taking a break from rehearsing for Big Show 2011. Jiyong was burying himself deeper and deeper into the armchair he was seated in and across from him on a couch sat Seunghyun and Daesung, checking their phones and playing with apps. Youngbae was seated in the armchair next to Jiyong, appearing just as exhausted. Jiyong groaned and rolled his head forwards and backwards into the headrest, pinching his ears and checking to make sure he hadn't lost an earring instead of pulling at his hair like usual. His new hair was a mess to style and maintain.

"Please," Jiyong whined, twisting his earrings around, just like he'd do with his rings. "I'm so tired that I can't see straight."

     His eyes were barely open, bleary and pink-rimmed. They started watering after he stifled a yawn. I smirked at him from across the room.

"Its your own fault, hyung."

     He pouted his lips and looked like he wanted to yell at me, but he just didn't have the energy, so he spat out a slurred "shut up" and hunched over his seat. Seunghyun let out a low chuckle from the couch.

"Maknae has a point, you know."

"Don't encourage him," Jiyong whined, lifting his head to glare lazily at us. I smiled victoriously and flashed the V sign, to which Jiyong rolled his eyes at me.

"You punk."

     After that, we gave the noona our orders and she soon left from the lounge to fetch us our caffeine.

"When was the last time we even went out by ourselves to get our own drinks?" Daesung had mused, still playing with his phone. "Its kind of sad."

"I bought ciggs two days ago at a convenience store, does that count?" Seunghyun replied, suddenly interested in poking Daesung's arm.

"No!" Daesung laughed, arm twitching to the pokes.

"Hm. I think the last cafe I went to was on campus," I thought aloud as I crossed my arms and leaned against the couch.

"Maknae, you don't count. Cafes are probably your usual meeting spots for your multiple dates," Seunghyun stated matter-of-factly.

"Hey!" I protested. Jiyong and Youngbae started chuckling out of nowhere. I thought they had fallen asleep.

"Hyung! If you're going to laugh, join in on the conversation!"

     Jiyong stopped laughing, and the upturned lips of his smile quickly curved downward. Youngbae looked at his best friend next to him with silent concern and Jiyong merely nodded.

"Its still too fresh in my memory to talk about," Jiyong whispered. Youngbae nodded and turned his head to us and mouthed "break up" through his lips.

"Oh, so the last time you were in a cafe was when..." Daesung acknowledges quietly. Jiyong stared down at his hands on his lap, pensive. I didn't like this image.

     Little red spots slowly started invading my vision as Youngbae squeezed Jiyong shoulder in comfort and as he relaxed. I had to find an excuse and leave soon before this got any worse. I was already clenching my fists.

"Bathroom," I announced lamely through gritted teeth, and off I went, briskly walking through the arena hallways searching for an unoccupied room.

     I took a curve to the right and found an opened door a few rooms down with lights off. Peeking inside and finding no one, I sprinted in and crammed myself into a low chair. It was an unused dressing room furnished with vanity mirrors and makeup tables from wall to wall. Without lights on and no windows, it was rather dark. I had hoped the darkness would be enough to calm down the weird sprout of crimson jealousy lodged inside me. My mind went a little fuzzy so I hunched over my chair and rested my forehead against the dull edge of the makeup table in front of me

     Light footsteps approached after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence. My thoughts were still raging, so I was squirming in my seat.

"Hey."

     Thin fingers shook my shoulders. A plastic cup of sweet liquid was placed on the table close to my head.

"Seungriyah, did you get lost? This clearly isn't a bathroom."

     His voice sounded better, more awake and energetic. The caffeine must have arrived. I lifted my head to find Jiyong staring down at me, wearing his sly grin but with worried eyes. I knew it was him, even in the lack of lighting, what with his gleaming earrings, yellow hair, and the cold touch of the clunky rings on his fingers as he reached for my hands on the vanity table.

"Listen. I'm sorry."

     He sighed and gently rubbed my wrist with his thumbs.

"You don't usually tell Youngbae first before me," I said dryly," about those kinds of things."

     A memory of an old album meeting came to mind, where Jiyong first showed me J, a girl he had been dating at the time after I showed him my high school girlfriend. That was back when I was too young and hadn't seen the teasing in the way he picked on me, before I liked him.

"Well," Jiyong mused, "I didn't tell him the whole truth. The lyrics aren't the whole truth, either."

     I nodded. Cafe. When did he ever really tell the whole truth though?

"Then tell me. Its done. Its just a memory now, hyung."

     Jiyong inhaled through his nose and sighed out with his mouth.

"Well."

     He sat next to me at the neighboring vanity table and turned to me.

"I was dating a girl secretly at the end of the sub-group promotions, but then my mind started getting....occupied with other things."

     His hands were getting warmer, tangled in mine.

"I was with her, but someone else was on my mind."

     He chuckled nervously.

"I couldn't help it. Your solo stages worry me. I mean, I just never knew what you were going to do, promoting by yourself, and I just..."

     I couldn't believe this.

"So she broke up with me at a cafe and told me 'You don't need me anymore. You clearly have something to work out with someone else.'"

     I stared at him incredulously.

"You're...just teasing again, right? Am I really that wild?"

"Of course I'm not, idiot! You kept me up at night, and just...everything about you is worrisome."

"So its my fault?"

"Yes."

     I frowned and shook my head.

"But its not like...you were cheating on her or something. You're just....leader, worrying over and trying to control the maknae."

     Jiyong's eyes widened and he stared at me curiously, tilting his head and scrunching his eyebrows.

"No. That's not the whole truth either. I really did worry about you. Too much, too often."

     I stared down at our hands entwined, a little sweaty now.

"I...tried to do what you said. Stop being so possessive. I tried to let you go, but then you were doing stuff under my control, and damn it..."

     I squeezed his hands reassuringly.

"Hyung."

     He bit his lip and wouldn't look directly at me.

"Hyung."

     My heart sped up, beating through my chest. I was so nervous and unsure of what was real. Maybe I was delirious, maybe I needed more sleep.

"Hyung. I was naïve back then when I told you that. Go ahead and be possessive, I'm just too used to you now."

     His cinnamon eyes pierced through me, questioning, maybe begging.

"You're sure?"

"Positive," I nodded and smiled. "You like me too much, and you worry too much, but the thing is I like you too much as well. I denied you at first...but stay, okay?"

     His lips parted in wonder and his hands were still. His breath might have hitched when I leaned forward to willingly press my forehead to his sharp shoulder. This was too surreal. I couldn't show him my face anymore.

     We sat quietly in the dark room. My heart was too overwhelmed so I couldn't speak, but the air was so thick with a quiet kind of understanding. It felt right, not having to say anything. My bitter resentment had faded and morphed into some sort of unbelievably sweet liquor to the point of being lethargic and numb. The feeling was like some sort of drug, lifting me up and away, this heart-aching squeeze in the chest called love.

A/N edit: what the backstage lounge area looked like (making of big show 2011): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSwIHaTFhVo