2013
The Evolution of Nyongtory
The week leading up to the album release, I shared my stories to the public. About the tracks, working with the staff, the writing process, and so on; those were things I was willing to share. More importantly, though, I was giving away a secret that I had kept for over a year, something that I didn't want to share. My feelings were still hurt. She was so much a secret that not even my members knew, not even Jiyong. Even then, I'd still rather not talk about her.
One of the factors that led me to stay in Japan in 2012, along with the hosting and acting activities, was her.
Jiyong had warned us before the Alive tour even started that we shouldn't be seeing anyone. He even looked me dead in the eye when he was talking to all of us about it. It wasn't that I didn't choose to listen, but rather everything that had to do with her just happened so fast. We only lasted six months after all, and that's when I spiraled downwards and started my meetings with the woman who sold my pictures to the Japanese tabloids.
My members were my brothers who I could tell everything to, but I was so relieved that they would never ask me about her even when I had accidently slipped in her name in conversation.
I had come to understand that my members had finally viewed me as an equal, as a man. I would always be maknae, yes, but there were things that I didn't have to talk about if I didn't want to. The dating ban had been long gone, but it was understood that even if we were dating someone, we had to do our best not to be seen in public. Either way, I was just so happy to even have that freedom.
Even Jiyong, who had been so possessive of me, who was the first to admit that he didn't like me seeing so many girls and how I was so troublesome to him in that way--I was so surprised, shocked, even, that he treated me in the same manner as the other members. Should I be happy, or should I be worried? I felt like I had lost something. Any time that Jiyong was working on his own albums, he would always revert back to being distant, not talking to me, going back to being the wrong side of the magnet, pulling. I wanted to ask him, but his own comeback was approaching so fast and I knew better than to disturb him. I would have to put that worry away, for now. I was busy with my own promotions, after all.
In the end, I was being just as distant. Jiyong's birthday was the day before my album release, and I had a schedule to film an interview for Inkigayo that day. He was holding a party at a club with his closest friends that night, but I was too tired from filming and dance rehearsals to even want to attend. It wasn't my kind of party, anyway. He left a comment online saying I looked handsome from a selca I took at the Inkigayo recording. So he wasn't ignoring me? That in itself was enough for me to pick up my phone and call everyone.
Midnight was soon approaching, and this was important not just because of my album that would be released 12 hours later, but because this new day fastly approaching was the seven year anniversary of BIGBANG. After brushing my teeth and climbing into bed, I called up my members in a group chat. I was so happy that they all picked up. Even Seunghyun was on the line, speaking so formally to us all about how far we'd come all these years, how happy he was to be our hyung. We each had our own turn congratulating each other, and it truly felt like I could see them all smiling if we were all in the same place. We made a promise to keep in touch more, and I really hoped that promise could be kept. I missed everyone, I really did.
With that, I closed my eyes with happier thoughts, the sound of everyone's familiar laughter lingering before a dreamless sleep.
---
My stomach was doing all sorts of flips and twists once I woke up.
The day of the release was my one day to sleep in before all hell broke loose, and now it was past noon. It was out. Its out, its out. The music video, the download links on the music sites. Was I nervous, excited? The fluttering in my stomach was the best feeling imaginable. I loved that thrill. I even indulged myself and watched the music video even though I had already seen the finished product long before. Should I read the comments? Whould should I do, I wondered. It was times like this where I could easily be called vain. I couldn't help it. I told myself to calm down and give it some time while getting out of bed.
Hwangssabu greeted me with a big slap on my back as I walked into the gym that afternoon. He told me he had been looking at the music charts, and as I started to pull out my cell phone to check online, he swiftly took it from my hands and wrapped me into a headlock. "Nope, workout first. Browse later," he chided me. I whined a little as he told me to think of it as motivation. Warming up on the treadmill felt agonizingly slower than usual. Master Hwang looked really smug.
I was doing so well. I was more than happy. If there was such a word to describe just how happy I was, it was like flying, feeling light. The butterflies in my stomach had returned. Throughout the afternoon and into the evening, it was nothing but good news for me. Thailand, Hong Kong, Mexico, Phillipines, Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia, Taiwan, even the USA, I saw my name on the charts. I wished I could just go out and meet all these people who were buying it. I sincerely wanted to thank everyone.
---
The evening before the day of my comeback stage filming on Inkigayo, I had received an email from my omma. I was just checking the messages on my phone during a short break at the dance studio, but sat straight up as soon as I read a message titled "Don't Tell Dad!"
It seemed Dad's passion for golf had never left. It was essentially because of golf that we were in debt back then, so I had wondered if he had resented getting into the sport at times. After selling the first house and moving into a smaller one, watching Dad drink and smoke, remembering how stressed and tired my parents looked in those early years, it seemed he had pushed away golfing completely. But now, Mom had messaged me to say that Dad had just won 3rd place at a golfing competition.
How hard had he been working? I was so proud of him. Apparently he didn't want to tell me himself because it wasn't first place, like he had lost to me or something. I must have received the competitive/show-off trait from him. I couldn't stop myself from smiling at the thought.
---
Jiyong suddenly started texting me on the day of my comeback stage. He was in America at the time to perform at a convention. Even with it being midnight on a Saturday in LA in comparison to Seoul's four in the evening on Sunday, he had managed to watch a live stream of the music show. Of course Jiyong would stay up late, even if he was jetlagged; I guess he was still a night owl as always. As soon at the show was over, he had sent me a large text critizing my whole performance. I saw it coming, of course, and I knew he was doing this because he wanted me to have a stronger performance, but I was still a little upset. This is just his way of showing he cares, I told myself. Besides, it wasn't long after that when he sent me a message full of random emoticons and hearts. In the end I laughed it off and replied back with a thank you. He had also sent staff over to hand out vitamin water to all the fans in the audience during my stage. He was suddenly being so supportive, even when he was away. I left the filming studio practically bouncing in happiness.
---
When Jiyong returned back to Seoul, he went right to work. I was seeing him in the hallways of the YG building more and more now that he was done with the recording process and outside the studio. I started hearing his new music blaring in the dance studios. In the cafeteria I saw him talk leisurely with the trainees as he ate.
I myself had gotten really close to the trainees at that time, too. As soon as I would end a dance rehearsal, they would come in and bow to everyone in the room before taking the studio over. I liked to stay and watch them whenever I had time, and little by little I was learning everyone's names. As a trainee I hated being called "you in the red" so I had promised myself to be a friendly hyung and know everyone. I was the sociable one after all; it wasn't hard.
Seungyoon had come up to me one day outside the hallways of YG's office, looking stressed and anxious about something. He had started talking to me often recently, and I was more than happy to accept the role of a hyung.
He had asked me about my experience as a trainee, how to be a better team, how to deal with the constant feeling of losing to the other team of trainees and not fitting in with YG's standards. Those kinds of things.
"Winning votes doesn't always mean success. The same thing goes about being YG's favorite," I told him. I came to YG as a young boy who was passionate about only dancing at first but then developed a love for singing. I practiced and practiced, wanting to impress everyone with how well I could sing. My acceptance into BIGBANG, after all, was based soley on showing an improvement to my vocals. Its not just about being a visual or the dancer or the vocal. It will always be about the music and the feelings and energy that gives the band the reputation. What Seungyoon was worried about was being told his group didn't look like they were having fun together. They wanted to be accepted so badly that they conrolled every move in practice, and everything had to be perfect. It seemed they were in the same position as I had been: they just needed to relax, let go, release all the tension and frustration. I told my donsaeng to talk with his team, about anything. Have someone be the mood setter, and while it was okay to want perfection, trying to be perfect was just going to take the fun and excitement away.
He asked me then, what about Jiyong? Everyone knew about his work ethic.
"Well," I sighed,"Even now, he wants to correct me." Seeing the surprise in his expression made me want to laugh. In the distance I noticed his other team members calling for him, so I just smiled in greeting and pat my dear dongsaeng's shoulder before leaving him be. Still seeing the question in his eyes, I quickly remarked,"Its okay to ignore the hyung sometimes, you know."
---
A few days later, Youngbae sent all of us a text with a picture of his new puppy.
"Hyung! Invite me over so I can play with him!" I texted back. He replied with a quick,"Yah, get back to work. :p"
I ended up opening up the chat into a group text and asking if any of the members would be willing to chat with me live on air during my fan event later. Daesung was the first to say yes, while Jiyong replied with a vague "if there's time" since he was busy practicing for his finale solo concert in a few days. Well, that was enough for me.
Both my fan sign event and the LINE event that immediately followed were both beyond my expectations. I was so nervous somehow. The fans were so cute! Their energy was contageous. I was so happy and relieved to hear Daesung's voice again. Even then, he was in Japan promoting with his own fan event. His album and concerts were so successful, I'd been hearing a lot of good praise about him.
Jiyong managed to pick up the phone too. How many times had I called him oppa? I lost count. We playfully exclaimed,'Tory! Nyongtory!" to each other and I simply couldn't stop smiling. It was like a switch had magically flipped, and we were back again. Fan service or not, I would take what I could get.
He started chatting with me again.
--
August ended with the end of Jiyong's world tour, with of course BIGBANG being his special guests. I missed the feeling of sharing the stage with them. It felt so natural.
Before the show started, I made Jiyong practice the Gwiyomi Player with me backstage. Even then, he complained and told me he wouldn't do it. I told him he didn't have to be the cool guy all the time, and though he kept giving me a look of disapproval, I just kept throwing smiles at him until he would loosen up.
Just like that, once the show started, he was letting me near him. I kept finding myself looking at him, walking or dancing towards him. He would lightly wrap a hand around my waist from time to time to get me to walk into another direction. Other times he would pull me into a hug. I just felt so warm, with his brown eyes gazing into me like that. He was pulling me in again, and for the first time in a long while, I could breathe normally around him. There was that odd tension pulling at my chest again, but I wasn't afraid.
As the curtain fell to signal the end, he held onto my hand for just a little longer, gave it a squeeze, and then let go to exit as the cordi noonas swarmed up to all of us to give us water and towels. I watched from behind as he bowed to everyone along the way to his dressing room, and little by little his shoulders seemed to fall into a relaxed postition. But when I caught a glimpse of his face again, I saw tears in his eyes. It was a long tour, wasn't it? I wondered if he felt lonely, I wondered if the tour had ended up the way he envisioned it. I couldn't help but to feel pride as everyone came up to him and congratulated him. This was his time, so I backed off.
Now that it was September, I knew time was pulling closer and closer for him to make his comeback with a new album. My goodbye stage, in fact, was in a mere few weeks.
The screams of the fans echoed throughout the night in my thoughts, as I merely continued to watch his back from a safe distance until he reached an arm behind him and squeezed a hand around my wrist this time, pulling me in to walk beside him.
It felt so good to be back.
A/N edit:
Aug 13 "My age is 24, it's a good time to talk about love deeply. Love.. yes, love. I'm not sure if it was love or not, but I was happy and hurt/sad. Maybe it was love."http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungris-facebook-update-130813-phototrans.html
Aug 14 " 4 years since, a long time has passed. Many things have happened to me. Things that I cannot fully explain in words."http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungris-instagram-from-13th-and-14.html
Aug 15 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/d4-seungri-sns-updates.html
"Everything about a certain girl I used to go out with were lies, and whenever I would find out, I would be really shocked. It made both of us frustrated and cold to each other. I felt more angry that she was just waiting for me to say we should break up."http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-comeback-teaser-d5.html
Aug 16/More about Seungri's past girlfriend http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-facebook-twitter-d3.html
Aug 17 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-gotta-talk-to-you.html
Aug 18 GD's bday http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/gdragon-nuthang.html
http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-instagram-inkigayo.html
Aug 19/BB anniversary "Before I posted this, I called our members and we congratulated each other and promised to keep up in the future."
http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-facebook-message.html
http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-working-out-yg.html
Ri happy about itunes chart rankings http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-itunes-ranking.html
Aug 23-25 GD in LA for KCON
Aug 25 YB reveals new dog Homie
Aug 25 diary http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-diary-3rd-place-more-valuable-than-1st.html
more about Ri's dad being a golfer/debt http://fyeahseungri.com/post/9866074972/so2tw-seungri-thirteen-so-what-if-its-difficult
"The song 'GG Be' is about a girlfriend that he dated for 6 months about a year ago. It was a secret date, but he later found out that his girlfriend was dating another guy at the same time for a month."
Aug 25 GD's text after first Inkigayo stage
"Hyung's treat" http://fyeahseungri.com/post/58984379618/hyungs-treat-gds-present-for-kvips-attending
Aug 28 fansign http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-fan-sign-fancams.html
http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungris-line-chat-event.html
Aug 31 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-one-of-a-kind-final-in-seoul.html
http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/ooak-final-seoul-day-1-g-dragon-seungri-kwiyomi-videos.html
http://fyeahseungri.com/post/41681800190/gri-moments-in-alive-tour-final-seoul-day-3
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