Once the trees had lost their leaves and the air was cool and crisp, there was a certain kind of uneasiness and emptiness inside me. I couldn't put a name to what I was feeling, only that there was so much I still needed to do, wanted to do.

     Earlier, YG had talked to us about solo projects since we were done with Japan promotions for the moment. I don't know what happened to that plan, but suddenly there were powerful electronic hip-hop tunes playing in the studio, and I just knew. Jiyong looked really happy, making fun music with Seunghyun.

     At the dorm, when I was awake, Jiyong would tell me about Seunghyun's latest gags and there was always this sparkle in his distant eyes, excited and enthusiastic about so many things, none of which I really knew.

     The first feeling that I couldn't name ended up being envy and jealousy. I was envious of GD and TOP, getting to have their own album and promotions together and having work. Jiyong would always be YG's golden child, allowed to release new music whenever he wanted. He never needed permission, like I did.

     And then I was jealous of Seunghyun of course for being by Jiyong's side as the other member of the sub-group. As the time drew closer for their album to come out, the concepts and imagery were coming together and suddenly they boomed and bloomed as the next big thing. Black and white, almond and chocolate, GD and TOP.

     I thought I was going to have to watch, unable to do anything, but somhow my luck turned around and YG gave me permission to start working on solo singles. Maybe he just wanted to try out the new producers or maybe he saw through my yearning to be back on stage like Jiyong and Seunghyun. Either way, I was grateful to have my chance, and looked forward to competing on the music charts with the hyungs I envied.

     Now it was the new year and Jiyong spent even less time being home at the dorm, but I didn't care. I was busy, he was busy. At least I wasn't moping around; instead I was being productive, working on goals and skills that needed work, practicing falsetto and writing songs, being creative musically in a way that I never was before.

     And then I ventured into business when Seungri Academy was opened, and BIGBANG had started getting together in the studio again to work on a comeback. We were continuing to grow, moving forward, wild and spontaneous, going for a new sound.

     Amidst all the new material and solo promotions, though, I made sure to keep a few things close by to keep me grounded. I didn't want to disappoint Jiyong again and I refused to make the same mistake twice.

     Every now and then, I'd see disgust still lingering in Jiyong's eyes. The cold stare would never last long, but I could see it. He was more wary around me, like I was bound to mess something up.

     After my first solo stage performance on the weekly popular song competition show, Jiyong had sent me a 30-line text message, criticizing me in crucial detail...Lighten up your expression, your gestures were awkward, the wardrope doesn't suit the dancing, you look short, walk in a taller stance, your voice was flat, your pronunciation was off, you looked tired, tell the noonas to take better care of you, some of your arm movements were sloppy....and on the list went.

     I kept that text with me saved on my phone, and opened it to read many times in the dressing room. At some point I think I had memorized the damn text and was determined to decrease Jiyong's monster of a list. In a way, this felt like the beginning all over again, trying to build myself up on an impossibly steep hill of high expectations and comparisons.

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     The night I won my Triple Crown, Jiyong called me from Japan.

"Oi! Seungriyah!"

     I rolled my eyes to myself, already mouthing the words of criticism he was probably about to give me into the receiver.

"You handsome punk," he laughed.

"What? Did you see my performance, hyung?"

     He tsked into the mouth piece of his cell phone.

"What kind of hyung would I be if I didn't. You did well."

Seunghyun yelled out "Ayyee!" and clapped his hands in the distance.

"But?" I asked.

"Hmm."

     Glasses clinked together on the other line. I recognized soft music in the background. They must have been dining at a restaurant.

"You're willingly asking for my criticism? You? Haha, maknae. Not now."

"Huh? Just say it!"

     Jiyong chuckled.

"Not today, maknae. You improved."

     I was utterly speechless.

"But don't celebrate until I'm back home, arassou?"

     I groaned.

"Hey, I can't keep my eyes on you from here. Okay, gotta go-"

"Hyung!"

"What?"

"Come back soon."

Jiyong chuckled again.

"Yah! Are you that impatient to party?" he teased.

     No, I thought. I decided to be straight-forward.

"I miss you," I told him. He snorted.

"You do not, Seungriyah."

"I do."

     The other line was quiet, and I wondered if maybe he was smiling from ear to ear, mocking me with his hand covering the mouth piece. I heard another laugh from Seunghyun in the distance.

"I miss you too," he said quietly, just for me, so that maybe Seunghyun wouldn't hear him, and he disconnected.

A/N edit: GD's 30-line text message: http://www.dkpopnews.net/2011/01/news-seungri-g-dragon-sent-me-30-line.html