Everywhere we went, it was hot. There was no escaping the heat.

     After what felt like months, ages, too long, I had reunited with my fellow members in Nagoya to support Jiyong as concert guests. It was the final two nights of his dome tour and we all took breaks from our busy schedules just to meet up and perform together again. I missed them so much. We went out to eat sushi together after the concert and just talked. I was the most chatty one by far, which was probably why Jiyong chose to sit next to Youngbae instead. Daesung was happy to sit next to me, at least. Eventually I did find a topic where all the brothers could pitch in, so at last we were all talking again as a group of men rather than separately. We talked about women that we liked, shared stories about how silly our staff members could be, good places to go for cheap food, and just had fun, really. By the end of our meal, I had convinced Seunghyun, who was sitting on the other side of me, that the sushi sold in Nagoya was the best. It seemed he couldn't get enough of the stuff, in fact, because he left us after day two of the concert, saying he wanted to go out for sushi again by himself. Seunghyun had such a free soul. Not even Daesung could sway him.

     The weekend following Nagoya was another concert for me to guest in, this time in even-hotter Thailand. I was so thrilled to perform on stage for two weekends in a row. I was even more ecstatic because this was in Thailand, where I had some great friends that I would be sure to visit. Time with friends, hot weather, warm hearts, great food, and spending more time with my favorite hyung, what more could I ask for? The last time I was in Thailand was during Christmas, so I had some catching up to do. The fact that the weather was still as hot as I remembered it just made me feel more at home.

     While I was visiting friends, though, Jiyong was either working with the concert staff or talking on the phone with Youngbae. Even backstage, as we were preparing before his show, he would simply listen to his best friend on the phone and try to sound comforting. It seemed the makeup noona was having a hard time with his eyeliner. I caught glimpses of him wiping his eyes. He was trying to hide his emotions since he had a performance to get through, and he was pretty good at hiding for that matter, but I knew something was up anyway. I asked him if it was something he could tell me. He shook his head and told me not to worry. How could I not? I would be sure to talk to Youngabe later. In the meantime I had to make sure our audience was going to have the time of their lives. I warned Jiyong to be ready for anything when it came time for me to talk on stage. With that, he shook his head and something changed in his expression. I realized then that he was just the distant GD now, as the screams and roar of voices started to fill in the arena little by little.

It was fortunate for me that the crowd really got him going. By the time he introduced me on stage, he looked a lot happier. A passionate audience always did wonders. I was so thankful.

     He seemed in such a better mood, in fact, that I figured it was safe to . On with the usual compliments and words of love I went, sprinkling in some Thai in beween the English. I even asked him to kiss me, but seriously didn't expect him to get as close as he actually did. I was honestly shocked that he would even lean in that close to me, so I laughed it off and dodged. Of course I wanted him to, but looking back on it, I'm glad it didn't happen. This was just fan service, after all. This was in public. What if I were to respond? I could see myself tarnishing his name. It scared me, how much I cared for him, how much so many other people around the world loved him. Jiyong wasn't mine. Learning restraint was the hardest thing of all. I hated boundaries, I wish I didn't have to walk around eggshells. But I did. I had to, even as it upset me.

--

I had a hard time sleeping that night.

Jiyong had gone to bed early and told me not to bother him. We each had our own hotel rooms. Well, it was an emotional day for him, I figured. He must have been tired.

     I kept thinking about what happened in the concert. What could have happened. Whether or not I should be happy with myself. I wasn't even the type to overthink things or worry. Really, I wasn't. But it bothered me. I sat up straight in bed at around two in the morning, staring at the bright neon green of the alarm clock blinding me in the darkness, and picked up my cellphone. I remembered there was someone I needed to call, who was sure to be up at this hour.

"Yah, what gives?" was how Youngbae greeted me.

"Hyung, I can't sleep."

"Okay, you want me to read you a story or something?"

"Yah! That's not what I want."

"So you want , then? Sorry I don't have an-"

"Hyung!"

Not even his little snicker sounded convincing. I had to ask him what was wrong.

"Jiyong didn't tell you?"

"He's been so upset. He wouldn't tell me."

With that, he let out a deep sigh.

"Boss had surgery a few days ago for a herniated disk," he spoke slowly. Some papers rustled in the background.

"How's he doing? Is he with you?"

"He's at the clinic. Doesn't look good. At all. I can see the pain in his eyes."

"He's not getting better?"

"The staff are doing all they can. They've been so kind," he replied calmly. "I've been praying. I feel like its all I can do."

"I'll pray for Boss too, hyung."

"Do you even like dogs?" he snickered again. "I mean, Gaho-"

"Boss is better than Gaho," I smiled in the darkness.

''You're only saying that because he hasn't bitten you." He added in a "yet."

"Hyung!" I laughed. "I mean it!"

"Sure, whatever," he dismissed. "Tell me what's wrong with you, then."

"Well, Jiyong-"

"No wait, stop right there. If its about him, just give the summary." I could hear him groaning away from the receiver.

"He almost kissed me on stage. I dodged him."

"Well good. The fans had fun, then."

"Isn't it bad, though?" I blurted out. "Its all just fun and games, right? Until someone gets hurt."

"I thought you liked Jiyong's way of playing with you though. Its your thing," he said matter-of-factly.

"I can't tell when he's serious or when its just for fun, though.."

"You know how he likes messing with people. Especially you, maknae."

"Am I just an open target?"

"Kind of," he laughed. "Its because you take things lightly. You're the one who eases the pressure, who gets us to loosen up and laugh. You're strong that way."

"Am I really?"

Stong? That wasn't the word I would have used. Far from it, in fact.

"He gets away with it because you let him, maknae. Everytime you smile at him or you whine about something. You're just so fun to tease, you know?"

I wasn't sure I liked where this conversation was going.

"Hyung, but where do I draw the line?" I sighed. "I feel like...I dunno, he's not doing this for fun, anymore. Or maybe its me."

"Ah, there it is."

"Huh?"

"You're not having fun? You're not enjoying it? Since when? Seungriyah, you love it when the attention is on you. When did that stop?"

Wait, was that true? I didn't say anything.

"I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again, Ri. He's talked about you so many times. His smile is different with you. Your smile is different with him. I've seen it." He let out a small sigh and added in,"You could even say I'm a little envious of it."

"Eh? You? But you're his best friend. He's so relaxed with you."

"Well, I don't mean-" He paused. "You know, I just wish you would smile at us differently, too, sometimes. There's times I think that being maknae's favorite hyung is such a pain, and other times I'd really like to experience it."

"Yah! What are you saying?" I chuckled. "Hyung, that's such a lie."

"No, really, I mean it,"  his voice broke off to cover his laughter.

"Hyung!" I whined. Oh well, at least he was laughing. I guess I had unknowingly helped get his mind off of Boss for a while.

It wasn't much longer that we were wishing each other a good night and hanging up. I was sure Youngbae would still be up though. I didn't pray much, but that night I did make sure to send out whatever kind messages I could toward Boss's way. I had to be up in a few hours anyway to catch my flight back to Seoul. I'd have to sleep on the plane.

--

I awoke in my room to a loud clap of thunder. The soft patter of rain against the roof calmed me down.

I rolled around to check the time on my phone. It was still early in the morning. After seeing Youngbae had sent us all a group text, I sat up immediately. He told us that Boss passed away. Youngbae's phone line was busy when I tried to call him.

     There wasn't a minute to waste. I needed to get some groceries and meet some people. I had set up an appointment with a psychology professor, too. I wanted to talk to someone about the stress I'd been feeling recently. Off I went with an umbrella and my wallet. The rain had made Seoul seem so quiet. My thoughts were too loud.

I was over-thinking.

     The professor looked me straight in the eye and told me I had to rationalize myself, that I needed to just let things be. There wasn't any point in worrying over something, and I knew that, yet I still wasn't being myself. Be it about a relationship or about work, my future shoudn't be set on a deadline or a social status. I had asked him,"But what if it doesn't just affect my carrer, but someone else's? What if my actions and words negatively impact the person I love?" He told me that I am what I think I am, that we're all our own worst judges. The way we view ourselves can have such an important impact.

The point was, I had realized something. Something important. All this time, I had felt too strongly about what Jiyong was to me. I had to step back and let things be. I was expecting too much. It was something Jiyong had warned me of time and time again. Somewhere along the line, trying to act more mature, I lost that care-free feeling. Youngbae was right, I was the one that took things lightly, but he meant it in a good light. That was my role. As Seungri, as maknae, as an entertainer. I would be happy to fill that role. Always.

---

     The next day I was up early again, though this time at YG, training with Master Hwang. The sky from outside the window was overcast. I wondered when the rain would let up. The weather just made it a little harder to want to work, though Hwangssabu sure was doing his best at getting me out of that attitude. He told me I had to put enough sweat in for two people, seeing as my usual work out buddy, Youngbae, was gone for good reason.

     For the rest of June, I was either filming in Japan or in the recording studio in Seoul. I had visisted my parents, too. Every morning started with Hwangssabu and every night ended with a scratchy throat from singing. Daesung had recently finished the last of his solo concert tour in Japan, Jiyong and Youngbae were also in the studio working on solo albums, and we figured Seunghyun was probably busy too, having rarely bothered to answer our texts,as usual.

     July pretty much came and went as fast as June. I had stopped getting sleep at some point and started putting everything into my own music production. There was always something that needed to be done, it was like there was no beginning and no end. I only remember Yang Hyun Suk giving me the go-ahead with a wave of his hand across his office desk, and then I was preparing myself for a comeback. It was as simple and fast-paced as that.

     As the deadline neared, I figured it was safe to start actively tweeting and posting again. I was inside the quiet of the storm at that point, though I was about to step out into the chaos as soon as I posted something. I just wanted to spill everything at once, I couldn't contain myself. It seemed I was back to deleting tweets and sharing more selcas. The hyungs shook their heads at me.

I was happy with how the sounds turned out. I told myself I would have no regrets.

     Of course Jiyong was annoyed that the album was coming out so close to his birthday, but he supported me, nonetheless. A week leading out to my first Inkigayo stage, he had visited me in the dance studio and brought snacks. He looked more exhausted than I did, and that was saying something. His own album was coming out soon after mine, and he was at the most crucial part himself. He told me he couldn't eat, but I made sure to share. I made him sit on the wooden floor with me, our backs away from the mirrors. He would stuff chopsticks of rice into my mouth and then poke my puffed cheeks just to laugh. He even stayed awhile to watch me practice and easily picked up the choreography. Before he left, he made sure to ask everyone in the dance studio to take good care of me, before throwing a towel at me and ruffling my hair. He pulled me to the side and told me I was ready, though I was sure he was going to send me a long text again as soon as he saw my first performance. I tried not to think about it.

I was going to have an open mind this time around. It was all I could do. I just needed to be myself, do my best, and let whatever happen.

In return, I was given so many of my favorite memories. The final months of summer left me at my happiest.
 

A/N edit:

June 1 OT5 in Nagoya <3 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/06/seung-chans-diary-nagoya-130601-photo.html

http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/06/seung-chans-diary-it-was-fun-130602-photo.html

June 8 Gri in Thailand <3 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/06/seung-chans-diary-heat-in-your-heart-130608-photo.html

Thailand fancam http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mjhf-Xjm7BU&list=PLzR35m7tsp5IyA10e5M4KV-RYPl4L3cW5

June 10 Boss passes away :( http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/06/taeyangs-dog-boss-passes-away.html

June 11http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/06/hwang-ssabu-posts-a-photo-of-seungri-working-out-130611-photo.html

June 13 diary about stress/anxiety “It’s no use even if you take it to heart.”http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/06/seung-chans-diary-updates-phototrans.html

June 15 Ri with his parents <3 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/06/seung-chans-diary-birdie-chance-130615-photos.html

June 20 diary http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/06/seung-chans-dairy-raining-sounds-130620-photo.html

June 23 Daesung ends his Japan Tour

June 25 Ri gets Facebook

July 6 more of Ri being a social butterfly http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/07/seungri-actor-choi-taejuns-birthday-party-120706-photo.html

July 9 diary http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/07/seungri-actor-choi-taejuns-birthday-party-120706-photo.html

July 14 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/07/inkigayo-mistakenly-announces-seungris-comeback.html

July 21 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/07/seungris-twitter-and-instagram-update-130721-photo.html

July 29 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/07/seungri-to-make-a-solo-comeback.html

July 31 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/07/seungri-gdragon-twitter.html

Aug 7 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungri-busan.html

Aug 12 http://bigbangupdates.com/2013/08/seungris-facebook-twitter-instagram.html