Bang Yong Guk’s P.O.V.

     ”All passengers for the 20:45 plane to Osaka, Japan, are requested to board at counter 32D now. And that was all the passengers for the 20:45 plane to–”

     “I’m sorry, what?”

     I scratched the back of my head, looking out as a plane with glowing lights landed outside, bumping over the runway on its wheels of rubber. “Listen, it’s not that long, I’ll be back soon,” I explained, hoping that he would somehow understand. I knew leaving just like that was extremely cruel and selfish, but I wished that Himchan was man enough to take it. “This is my chance, man…”

     He was quiet for a while, letting my words linger in the air in front of me.

     “I’ll call you, and you can visit, it’s not like–“

     “Why are you telling me this over the phone?” He asked, sounding somewhat pissed off.

     “I know that you’re angry, but seriously? Why are you taking this like a girl?” I said, not sure if I’d succeeded to enlighten the mood or just piss him off even more. He didn’t answer, and I exhaled, turning away from the window. “Just take care of Young Jae, okay? And Daehyun too, he’s really nice, you know. I don’t hate him or anything, you two–“

     “And what about Junhong?”

     I blinked and gulped, lowering my head. “I-I…”

     He snorted, letting out a heavy breath. “You’re an , you know that?”

     “You don’t understand, it’s… co–“

     “Complicated?”

     I frowned and exhaled, picking up my bag from the floor. “I haven’t changed as much as you have, Himchan. Love is not my style. Music before girls, remember?” I said, throwing a memory right back at him, biting down on my bottom lip – lying wasn’t really my style either. It’d been years since we’d sat on the stairs to the main building of the college, discussing the dreams I had of doing music instead of studying to become some kind of boring businessman. At least, Himchan had chosen to study music at the school, but when I dropped out, he’d followed right after, during the first couple of months teaching the knowledge of music he had in his head off to some kids, earning enough money to survive by teaching them the piano or guitar. Of course, that had been a secret only I’d known – at night, we’d cruised around the underground of Seoul, the music teacher Himchan turning into the tough playboy he’d always been. Eventually, he’d quit the job, the clear evidence of late night clubbing and street fighting terrifying and offending the parents of the kids. Still, we’d laughed and padded each other’s shoulders, the phrase ‘Music before girls’ turning into ‘Life before money’ after a couple empty bottles of alcohol. But each time we’d seen the other with an arm around the shoulders of some random girl, we’d smiled and whispered the phrase, reminding the other that love was for girls and weaklings.

     “Junhong is not a girl,” he said in a dull voice, and I groaned.

     “Does it matter!?” I exclaimed, too many eyes turning in my direction. “Just listen, will you?” I exhaled, walking away from there, heading for the counter. “I’ll be back soon, I’m not lost, okay? And it’s not like I’m all the way across the globe, I’m practically… right next to you.”

     “Osaka, right?”

     “Yeah?”

     “Isn’t that just a little south? You know, from Seoul?”

     “Well yeah, but I refuse to say ‘below you’,” I chuckled, surprised to hear him do the same at the other end. I exhaled, a smile ironically painted on my face. “I’ll be back, okay?”

     “Yeah… yeah, I know,” he said, thereafter getting a little quiet, mumbling words I couldn’t make out.

     “I’ll call you when I’ll get there, yeah?” I smiled, hanging up after he’d agreed and wished me a pleasant flight. Himchan had been my best friend for ages, it’d been an adventure growing up with him – he’d always been changing, improving, the person I’d always been able to turn to whenever I needed help. Being without him for such a long period of time seemed… weird and bizarre to me, because he’d always been there. Now there would be no one.

     “Good evening, sir,” a stewardess said at the counter, smiling at me.   

     “Konbanwa,” I greeted her in Japanese, her nametag telling me that she was Japanese even though her Korean pronunciation had been perfect. 

     “Your boarding pass, please,” she said with that polite smile on her face, reaching out her hand towards me.

     “Oh, yeah,” I reached down my pocket to find it, a few seconds later pulling it up and giving it to her. “Here,” I nodded my head, apologizing for the waiting.

     “Thank you,” she replied, smiling as he checked the ticket, scanning it into the system. “You can board the plane, sir, have a nice flight,” she then said, handing me back the ticket.

     “Arigatou, eeerh, gozai...maso,” I said, frowning a little in confusion. “Did I get it right?” I chuckled, looking up at her.

     “Gozaimasu, sir,” she smiled and giggled, covering her smile with her hand.

     “Ah,” I laughed, shrugging and nodding. “Thank you, I better practice a little more,” I smiled, and she nodded and giggled again, her eyes escaping to the floor.

     I bowed at her and put my ticket back in my pocket, settling the bag on my shoulder. “Arigatou gozaimasu… Arigatou gozai… masu?” I muttered, trying to get it right as I walked past her, down the hall towards the waiting plane. “Gozaimasu! Arigatou and stuff,” I nodded to the empty air in front of me, smiling like a fool as if a person was standing in front of me, accepting my greeting. 

     “Hey, you! You can’t go in there! Stop!” The voice of the stewardess echoed through the hallway, hitting me like a massive wave, clinging unto me, nearly choking me. I looked down, stunned to see a pair of arms wrapped around my waist.

     “Hyung, don’t leave me.”

     I blinked and shook my head, the sound of his voice sending chills down my spine. How did he get here? Pass all the guards and security? Such a brat… “J-junhong,” I stuttered, my eyes flickering down the hall, the open door to the cabin of the plane not that far away.  

     “Young Jae left my sister, you don’t have to leave, please, don’t leave me, you promised,” he cried against my shoulder, pulling me closer.

     I’d convinced myself that it would’ve been for the best not to see him before I left, only talk over the phone – give him the news while not able to see the hurt look on his face. I was breaking a promise, leaving for what seemed like my own sake. Still, I only wanted the absolute best for him. Leaving was clearly what my head had come up with as the best solution, accepting the offer in the club, escaping without looking back – ignoring the screaming from my chest. I was a coward for leaving. A coward with a reason to do so. Was I giving him a chance or just bashing him for blaming his childish mind? In two years, maybe he would be smarter, sure of what he actually wanted. If he’d missed me while I’d been gone, maybe it was meant to be. If he’d forgotten me within a couple of months, then what was the point anyway? Whether I was ending up in pain didn’t matter – I didn’t care. I loved him too much for that. I loved him enough to put this test on him, having no intensions of breaking him but just bend whatever we had together. If he would hate me for it, I just had to endure that too.

     I took a deep breath and turned around in his arms, trying not to look down at him, even though his curls tickled my face. I spotted the stewardess looking at us with a phone in her hand, about to push the buttons.

     “I’ll call the guards!” She yelled, her voice trembling with panic.     

     “No, please!” I pleaded in a loud voice, catching her attention. “K-kudasai…” I tried, not sure if I’d used the right word for my begging. “Give us a minute, please?”

     She hesitated but then exhaled a little annoyed, nodding her head once at me. “One minute,” she said and turned around, walking back to the counter.

     “Thank you! Uhm, arigatou gozaimasu!” I yelled to her back, but she just kept walking, ignoring me.

     “Don’t leave,” Junhong flinched, burying his face into the crook of my neck. “Stay, please, stay.”

     “Junhong, don’t,” I muttered, carefully putting my hands on his back. “This is something I must do, understand?”

     “Two years is too long, hyung.”

     “Two years is necessary.”

     He sobbed, his wet cheeks caressing my neck. “You said…” He sniffled, getting up to look me in the eyes. I held my breath, trying to prepare myself for those big, brown eyes of his. “You said you loved me,” he looked at me with bloodshot eyes, his cheeks dark pink as the tears kept falling, having him blink several times at me. “Why are you leaving me?”

     With a trembling hand I cupped the right side of his face, finding it somehow manageable to put on a tiny smile when he leaned in against the touch, tilting his head a little to the right. “I love you. But I have to leave. I won’t be gone forever, I promise,” I slowly said, making sure he heard and understood every word. “Do you believe me?”

     He frowned, blinking his gaze away from me. “I don’t know…” he muttered, looking puzzled.

     “Without you I’d die, Junhong,” I said, smiling at his sad face.

     “Two years...”

     “And I’ll be back,” I assured him, caressing his cheek with my thumb. “Do you believe me?”

     He was silent, his fingers playing with the zipper of my jacket, but then paused to clench unto the fabric of it. He chewed on his bottom lip, obviously dragging it out by keeping quiet.

     “Junhong?” I smiled, running my fingers through his hair. “Zelo?” I tried, and I couldn’t help but chuckle a bit. It was a nickname that only fitted when he was cool and sleek – seeing him with tears wetting his pink cheeks, his eyes blinking several times to get rid of them, he was no one but Junhong. The boy I couldn’t help but love even though it hurt like hell.

     “I trust you, I just–“

     “Are sure?” I asked, watching him raise an eyebrow in confusion. I sighed with the tiny smile still lingering onto my lips, reaching back down into the pocket of my jacket. Next to the plane ticket, I found what I’d been keeping for quite some time now. “I went to buy you sweets a few weeks ago,” I started, keeping my findings in my palm. “And the shop had this machine… for kids, but it didn’t stop me,” I chuckled, looking up to see the puzzled look on his face.

     “What are you–“

     “I promise you,” I opened my palm, picking up one of the plastic rings and taking his hand. “I will be back, Junhong,” I looked him the eyes before sliding the ring unto his finger, gazing down at the childish but lovely sight of his hand wearing the tacky, colorful plastic ring I’d kept in my pocket ever since buying it including another and a piece of gum that day. “I promise.”

     His eyes widened as I put the other quite similar ring on my own hand before intertwining our fingers, smiling at him. “P-promise rings, hyung?”

     I nodded, my eyes wandering across his beautiful face. “I promise I’ll come back, okay?”

     He looked displeased but then eventually nodded, looking down at our hands.

     I smiled, ruffling his hair with my free hand. “Call me every day, understood? Every day,” I chuckled, taking my hand back. He didn’t answer, just kept his eyes down, quietly sniffling.

     “One minute, sir…” The stewardess said, and I looked pass Junhong and nodded at her.

     “I understand,” I said, looking back at Junhong. “I have to go.”

     “No,” he resisted, holding my hand tighter as I started pulling away. “Don’t go.”

     “Junhong, I–“

     “No,” he shook his head, throwing his arms around me again, pushing himself close to me. “Don’t leave me, hyung, please!”

     I exhaled and closed my eyes, the ripping pain in my chest nearly too much to take, but I knew I had to keep it up. Just a little longer. Peeking through my eyelashes, I kissed his hair and hugged him, staying there for a few seconds, which seemed like no time at all. I pulled away, gently pushing him off me. Putting my hand under his chin, I pulled his gaze up from the floor, nodding a little at him. “I love you.”

     He seemed to understand that I couldn’t be persuaded to stay, and wiped his cheeks off with the back of his right hand. “I love you too, hyung.”

     I smiled and took his left hand, kissing the palm of it and put it to my cheek. “Don’t forget me,” I mumbled, letting out a plea I wasn’t supposed to. His eyes flickered across my face, my spoken words still in the air between us. I smiled and let go of his hand, taking a step back. “Every day, okay?” I said, my voice shaky but steady enough I hoped. I glanced down at the stewardess, the trembling smile still on my face. “Would you please…?” I nodded once at Junhong, and she seemed to understand, bowing a little at me with a neutral rather cold look on her face.

     Junhong sniffled and my eyes returned to him, his head lowered with eyes obviously looking at the ring on his finger. I let my fingertips brush against his, holding back the tears I knew was right on the edge of falling.

     “I love you,” I whispered, leaning in and barely leaving a kiss on his lips before taking another step back, turning around and heading down the hall. Biting down on my bottom lip, I shut my eyes closed, slightly picking up speed. I knew that that was the last time I’d seen his face for another two years – I had to live on the sound of his voice, but wake up every morning without him by my side. I couldn’t let him visit me, I would break down to easily and go with him when it was eventually time to say goodbye at the airport. Maybe, we could video chat on birthdays and during the holidays, but I knew that I would endure it much better if I wasn’t able to see his face – his voice keeping me alive but at the same time torturing and killing me.

     I didn’t look back when I stepped inside the plane, bowing at the steward standing at the door. I remembered the name of my seat and went straight to it, burying myself in it, hiding up against the window. And as I was sure that Junhong wouldn’t be able to see, know or hear, I let the tears fall, my crying tiring me but kept going during the whole flight, my eyes red and my cheeks irritated as I travelled towards two years of everything that I’d ever dreamt of – except him.    

Okay, please, don't hate me? He had to go~ T____T