Kibum P.O.V

Stay away from Jonghyun.

Stay away from Jonghyun.

I have to stay away from Jonghyun.

Awaking from my hauting thoughts i soon came to realize that, unfortunately, yesterday wasn't a dream. Minho wanted me to stay away from Jonghyun.

He wanted me to become stable enough to actually face Jonghyun.

However i wasn't sure that i could. I wasn't sure that id survive without Jonghyun.

I understood the reasons why Minho didn't want me to indulge in my want but he just didn't understand. Just the thought of Jonghyun took my breath. 

He jumbled up my breathed and made my heart pound frantically in my chest. Jonghyun made me want to be everything that i knew i wasn't. He was the one that comforted me as well as saved my life. I couldn't just throw him way like that. 

I....I couldn't do it. 

I wanted to see him so badly. I wanted to be in his warm embrace again and inhale his intoxicating scent that made my hairs stand on end.

I wanted Jonghyun.

With this vivd realization i heard an aching cry from a distance.It sounded so painfully sad that for a while i stopped to pity whatever retched soul could let out such a wail of vulnerability. Then i heard it again. This time however it sounded more desperate.

That was when i came to the horrid reality that it was my voice letting out those retched sobs.

Letting out all the angst from my heart i bunched up, hugging my legs to my chest with my arms, i shed my river of tears until i couldn't cry anymore. 

Drained of all the liquid that would surface from my eyes i stayed in my weary state and just let time pass.

The more i cringed up into my protective ball the more i longed for Jonghyun's comfort. A comfort that i felt was out of reach. Out of the grasp of my hands.

Entangled in my thoughts i stood up and headed towards the bathroom with the idea in mind of taking a shower.

On entering the bathroom i soon realized that i hadn't brought any clothes with me, not caring at the time i stripped down and the shower.

Once inside i let the water wash over me,  pretending that the water's warmth was a substitute for Jonghyun's i relaxed under the steam. Leaning against the walls of my stand in shower i recalled the first time i went to Jonghyun's house, how he bandaged my wounds in his bathroom.

With that memory i let another heart breaking cry, i stood still as i felt water pour from my eyes that didn't belong to the shower. Letting my tears fall i was surprised that i could still express my angst.

As some more time passed i stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my slim waist. Wiping away the mist from the mirror i peered into the eyes of my reflection. It was trying to tell me something.

My reflection's eyes were so dark and stormy that i had hardly recognized myself. I was ready to look away and leave when i saw a glint catch its eyes. Staring harder into my reflection's eyes i soon realized what it wanted me to do.

Peering into them a little while longer i soon realized that i wanted to do it just as much as them. Unsteadily i walked to the waist basket in my bathroom and on slowly reached down to retrieve what i had thrown away earlier. My tiny friend. 

On shakey hands i gently clutched the small blade between my thumb and forefinger. Catching the light i watched as it shinned and tempted me all the more.

Do it.

It won't hurt.

It'll be fine, i promise.

He won't find out.

Just do it.

It'll make everything better. 

You'll see.

Do it. 

Do it.

Do it.

Do it Kibum.

Don't fail me.

I know you want to.

It was the voice in the mirror, he wanted me to cut. He wanted me to take away the emotional strain and fill it with physical pain. Hesitantly i guided the blade closer and closer to my wrist. Placing it over my vein i let the blade touch my all too pale skin.

Bracing myself---

DONT DO IT!!!

He'll hate us forever.

He'll leave!

Please Don't Do It!!!!

He won't come!!!

Jonghyun WON'T COME!!!!

Stopping i stood absolutely still. The only thing that could be heard was my fatigued breathing.

My reflection wanted me to cut and yet my inner soul screamed for revelation.

Truthfully i was torn. For one reason, either way i was getting hurt.

If i did cut myself the emotional strain that i faced myself with, about Jonghyun, would be subdued for a little while.Now however if i didn't cut myself i wouldn't have to feel guilty towards Jonghyun or myself, and yet the emotional suffering would still be there.

Either way i was bound to end up in pain.

Just when i was about to make up my mind i heard a faint knock at the front door. Questioning who it could be or if i had imagined it i decided to check it out.

Leaving the bathroom and heading i reached the door and without thinking i opened it.

There before me stood a very worried looking Jonghyun. I was all too stunned to even wrap my head around it all. But that was when i realized that this was all a dream. Swiftly closing the door i counted to ten before i reopened it again.

To my living amazement he was still there. Standing tall in all his glory and looking better than ever, though the worried expression never left his face.

"Don't scare me like that Kibum."

Chuckling nervously i watched as he rubbed the back of his neck. 

"Can i come in?"

I couldn't do anything, i only stared at him. I watched as he gingerly stepped into my small one bedroom apartment. 

I wasn't sure what expression i was wearing but i know it was enough to make Jonghyun step closer to me.

"Please don't cry Kibum, at least tell me whats the matter."

My tongue was tied as i watched his hand inch closer and closer to my face. I didn't want him to touch me, not while i was in this mangled state. However i couldn't move.

I couldn't concentrate on anything but the warmth of his hand as it brushed my never ending flow of tears.

Closing my eyes i started to tilt my head into Jonghyun's warmth when all of a sudden i heard a loud clacking noise. 

Oh no.

I watched as Jonghyun's attention piqued at the sound while his eyes traveled to my dropped item. I had forgotten that my tiny friend was in my hand. And now i witnessed my biggest fear coming true right before my eyes.

Jonghyun was going to loath me.

"Ki---"

Before he could say anything or even think to question me i dashed away from the one man's pressence that i had undoubtly craved. Finding shelter in the bathroom i slammed the door shut and made sure to lock it. Once inside i slid down the back of the door and burst into tears.

From the other side of the door i heard the footsteps of Jonghyun appoarching.

The last thing i heard before i let out another wail was Jonghyun's fragile voice.

"Why Kibum?"

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even though this is a rather short update i hope u guys enjoy

im working hard so be patient plz

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AIERU!!!!!!!!!!!>.<