Kibum P.O.V

I laid in bed as i listened to my alarm clock signaling that it was time for me to arise and face a new day. Though i listened quietly i couldn't bring myself to move. All i wanted to do was stay in my lonely bed and sleep. Maybe even think a little.

No matter how many times i tried to bring myself to get up i watched as everything thing around me would spin and then i would be right back where i started, on my cold and empty bed.

At first i had no clue as to why my head spun every time i got close to a sitting position.That was when i remembered exactly what i did last night, i had cut myself.

There was no question about it, i had cut myself so that i could dull my feelings for Jonghyun.

With this awareness i sat up in my bed, ignoring the sharp pang of pain that throbbed at the side of my head. What would Jonghyun say to me if he found out exactly what i was doing? Would he hate me? Take pity on me? Or would he be disguted with me?

All of these thoughts ran through my mind at once as i felt a new sensation wrap itself around my heart, shame. I was ashamed of myself and i knew that if Jonghyun found out then he would be too.

I was ashamed that i hadn't been stonger. That i was putting all of Minho's hard work down the drain. Yes i was indeed ashamed.

Letting out an aching wale i dashed for the bathroom as i felt myself getting ready to throw up. Reaching the toilet in time i coughed up all the sick emptiness that i was feeling inside of me. After i was done i slumped against the side of the bath tub and took note of the pulsating red slash that screamed for attention and notice.

Thats when i came to the decision that this had been my one and only time, that this would be mine and my blades secret. Staring hard at my shame i got up and decided that the best thing for me to do right now is go to school.

Slowly heading back to my room i ventured to my closet. Grabbing a random shirt i was about to put it on when i realized that it had no sleeves. Feeling agitated i threw the shirt back in the closet and pulled out a random long sleeved shirt that barely covered my wrist.

Closing my closet door shut, a bit harder than need be, i grabbed my jacket and backpack and then i was out the door.

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Looking at a random clock that was hanging on the side of a building i noticed that it read 3:30. It was already 3:30 in the afternoon and i still hadn't gone to school.

I had meant to go but with each step i took, with me getting closer and closer to Jonghyun, i started to panic. So i had turned and ran away, truthfully i hadn't known where i was going, i just wanted to get away.

Even now i wasn't too sure where my feet had taken me.All i was sure of now was that i was wondering around without a clue as to what i was planning to do.

Before i could come to terms with what i wanted to do i was knocked to the ground.

Shifting my eyes upward to glare at the culprit i was surprised to see Minho standing above me.

"Eh?! Kibum?! Oh im sorry! Are you okay?!"

I nodded my head slighty as i took his outstretched hand.

"So how have yo---"

Wondering why he suddenly stopped mid-sentence i shifted my eyes down to where he was gazing.

As my eyes landed on exactly what caught his attention it seemed as if time had stopped. With each minute that passed my breathing became more and more labored. Finally, just as quickly as time had stopped, i sped it up agian by suddenly breaking away from Minho's grasp.

I knew that i had startled him enough to get away and with that advantage i turned to run. I hadn't wanted anyone to ever find out. But now that Minho knew i was sure he was going to tell Jonghyun what i've done. Once agian i was going to be alone.

My eyes started to burn at the realization of just how quickly everything was falling apart, not wanting to face reality i fled. Though it seemed that i hadn't fled fast enough. Before i knew it Minho was on my heals. Pretty soon he had his hand on my shoulder and was turning me around.

I tried to flea but his grip on me was too tight, so i did the only thing i could think of to do. I thrashed within his hold, hoping to free myself.

However his grip on me just tightened.

"Kibum! Stop it!!"

I pretended not to hear his words and just kept on flailing around.

"Kibum if you dont calm down ill call Jonghyun."

And just like that i was paralyzed.  Fear overtook my body as i let Minho's words sink in. Minho was going to tell Jonghyun on me. Then Jonghyun would leave.

"Don't...don't tell Jonghyun."

It took me a while to realize that it was i who was voicing the weak pleas.

I listened as Minho sighed to himself. Still within his grasp i kept my eyes towards the ground, not daring to look up.

"Fine. I won't tell him, but youre going to tell me why you did this."

Swallowing up my panicing feels i shifted my eyes pass Minho's head and gave my answer.

"They're too much for me...these new emotions."

I could tell that i had confused Minho because his grip on me loosened...a bit.

"Wait. I thought that you were able to feel emotions while you were stoic, you just couldn't express them."

"Thats what i thought too. But i guess thats just not the case."

I gave a slight chuckle as i continued with what i had realized last night.

"Its true that i was experiencing emotions while i was stoic but now that i can express them they've come to life with a new type a vivacity. And on top of that i haven't been able to express myself for years now so this was just an overdrive to my nervous system.

Imagine getting angry but not being able to express anger. You know youre angry and yet you cant show it. Or any other emotion for that matter. All you can do is feel it inside you. Now if you go a couple of years like that and then all of a sudden one day youre expressing yourself again. Think of what it does to your mental wiring."

I halted in my cautious rant, hoping Minho would understand and by the look of his face it showed that he did indeed.

Though before he could finish i continued.

"Its not a habital thing Minho i swear. Truthfully it sort of happened on accident. However it was just because i don't have control over my feelings yet. Im working on it though, you cant expect a one day recovery. That and just the thought of Jonghyun sends my nerves and emotions running wild. So please dont say anything. I'll get this under control, i swear."

Now i had wormed my way out of Minho's grasp only to be desperately clutching onto his shoulders hoping that hed take pity on me. And as i stared into his eyes i watched as they came to a conclusion.

"Fine i really wont say anything to Jonghyun. However from what you've just told me i don't think that itd be such a good idea for you to go near Jonghyun. Since thinking of him sends you into an emotional frizz im afraid of what seeing him will do. So i advise you to stay away from him. Unless until you get yourself sorted out first."

And with that i heard that cracking of my heart. 

Minho wanted me to stay away from Jonghyun.

Not going to lie, i had entertained the idea but now that i was being told to actually stay away from Jonghyun i didn't think i would be able to survive.

I wouldn't be able to see Jonghyun's lucious hair and tannly fit skin. I wouldn't be able to touch him or even..even be in his soothing presence that also had a way of exciting me.

That was it. The words that Minho said shook something deep within me as i started to realize exactly what this feeling i was having towards Jonghyun consisted of.

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I know this is short and im sorry but i wanted to write something that would let everyone know im back.

im writing this at like midnight so excuse the scatterbrain ness of it all lol

but yeah IM BACK!!!!!!!!!! :D :D

AIERU for ur patience

>.<