I was the last to leave Sun Mi’s place as the owner left an hour earlier due to some matters that I didn’t bother to ask about. She was as busy as a bee lately, having long conversations over her phone about confidential things, spending long hours at the office but surprisingly juggling her time between her  new boyfriend and the job she shed blood and tears for. How she did it, I didn’t know, but I’d title her super woman any day seeing how she has kept Chanyeol and her boss satisfied.

Finding myself too early to be heading to the airport, I spent my spare time at the hospital just waiting for time to pass.

The relentless sound of the heart machine was slow and steady as how it had always been. Just like how Suho had still refused to wake up, no matter how hard I ask him. He was always the hard headed type, not following any of my requests and finding ways to turn the tables around so I was under his command instead. It’s something he used to call “older brother dominance”, something innate to siblings but I beg to differ; yet, I let him do what he wants.

“I made a big decision yesterday,” I casually said whilst caressing his hand. “I think I did pretty good,”

By this time, he should’ve been patting my head and telling me words of encouragement and something big felt amiss without it. Still, I continued to talk to him like old times, where we’d sit in my living room while feasting on a big tub of ice cream and when our favourite show ends, we’d begin talking like we didn’t see each other the day before.

Talking to Suho had helped pass time once again. Thirty minutes had passed without me noticing and only another half an hour was left till the set date of when I’d meet Tao at the airport, probably for the last time.

For so long it was always me who held Suho’s hand tightly. I gripped them if I had the chance so even in a small way I could let him feel that someone was beside his bed, waiting for his eyes to open. That he’d not wake up to the pale crimson walls of the hospital room, alone and cold. No, we both had enough of being alone.

But this time, while I was distracted by my phone, Suho’s fingers crept over my hand and held it with his feeble grasp.

“Suho? Oppa?” I’ve been so used to not receiving any reaction that one soft grumble from him easily pricked my eyes of tears and from my throat escaped a loud gasp.

He groaned once, twice and for the third time, his eyelids flickered. Every second ticked loudly in my head but simultaneously it was as if time itself had stopped. Suddenly, it was just me, Suho and the heart machine that was quickening in pace. Everything irrelevant was forgotten, blocked by the wall that was my brother. Because, nothing in this world was more important than finally hearing him mumble my name with his fragile voice.

“Bo Mi?” Suho looked around the room, the brace around his neck limiting his actions. “Where…what happened?”

“You…” I chocked. “You…I hate you!”

I couldn’t resist. My tears had to come out since I have been holding them back for so long and my arms that had missed embracing Suho just wrapped around his frame gently. From his chest I heard him chuckle as he my hair, uttering words to comfort me.

This had alarmed the nurses that began rushing in and the relieved look on their faces was prominent when they saw us.

One of the nurses held me, telling me that I had to leave for a while. I had to leave my brother again right after he had just come back. It was not just! I had to make reason!

But Suho grasped me hand, this time with the grip I knew as Suho’s, and with a smile he told me. “This will only take a while. Wait for me outside?”

Suho’s smile made everything okay and I finally agreed.

The nurse took me outside where I sat alone in a sea of chairs. And even though a few minutes later I was sandwiched between two mothers with their shrieking babies, I didn’t mind. Because I knew that Suho was okay, everything is going to be okay now.

“Get up, our plane is leaving,” Baekhyun impatiently dragged my arm but failed in making me move. I refused to leave by the sole reason that Bo Mi promised she’d come.

I looked at every face, every woman, that passed by me hoping that one of them was Bo Mi. But a few female faces later, she still wasn’t there. However, my anticipation and patience was still holding but Baekhyun’s wasn’t.

“She’s not coming. Bo Mi probably had to attend to some emergency or something. Tao let’s go our plane is leaving,” Baekhyun kept saying.

I turned to him “Let’s wait five more minutes,”

Baekhyun was growing impatient, I could see it in his actions, but I wanted to see Bo Mi before I leave. I want her face to be the last thing I imprint in my memories of Korea before I fly back to China.

“But we don’t have five more minutes. Be reasonable, we have to leave now,” He asserted the last word while tapping his wristwatch.

Who was I kidding, Bo Mi wasn’t coming and no amount of five minutes would make her come. Maybe she had her reason why she couldn’t make it and I’m pretty sure it was a reasonable one. I know her and she wouldn’t back out on her word but why now? And what could have happened that she would choose it over me?

Maybe Kris.

Even though we’ve come to the decision that we’d wait for Bo Mi no longer, I still kept looking over my shoulder in case she suddenly came running through the crowd. But, that was something I only see in Korean dramas and I’ve watched too many to start applying it in my life.

I got through the boarding process, mind still thinking of one thing and one thing only. And I sat there, staring out the window and mindlessly nodding at everything Baekhyun said.

It was a matter of time till we were air bound. My companion had found himself in deep slumber for the trip but I couldn’t shut my eyes. I couldn’t tear them away from the window where a view of Seoul seemed to be painted on perfectly. Honestly, it was the first time I admired Seoul like this. Not that I’ve been to Korea that many times but every time I leave, it just seemed like…Korea is Korea. But now, it’s not just Korea. The memories I made weren’t just grains of sand that would be blown away easily. No, not now; I thank Bo Mi for it. And now as I stared out the window, I couldn’t help but think to myself that she’s down there, somewhere. I can’t really tell where but I feel her and even if she met with some unfortunate circumstance that prevented her from coming today, I won’t get mad at her. I don’t want anger to be the last feeling I get of her. Instead, I’ll smile whilst whispering her name for the last time. And I’ll close my eyes like Baixian ge and wake up when everything is back to normal. 

“Even though his vital signs have been ok days ago, it seems like it got better now,” The doctor said “Mr. Jun Myeon, you’re free to leave as soon as you want,”

That last part got me. I looked up from my bother and eyed the doctor in bewilderment. “As…soon as we want? But, we haven’t paid anything yet,”

“No worries, someone took care of all the fees already,” said Jongdae.

“Really? Who?” my brother asked.

As if hiding a big secret, the doctor just flashed a toothy grin. He said no more, just gave us one low bow and proceeded out the room leaving both of us in the air. We thought about it for a while, wondering who could’ve paid all the hospital fees even if we have never even asked anyone for even a thousand won. It wasn’t any of Suho’s friends nor was it from any of mine. Nevertheless, whoever it was that paid for everything deserved my gratitude. But how am I supposed to thank him (or her) if I have no clue who it is?

“Could it be…” Suho muttered, I think, to himself.

“Who oppa?” I leaned on the bed, eyeing him in curiosity.

His brows furrowed and he bit his chapped lips. “I, recall hearing a man’s voice but I keep forgetting who owned it. It’s at the tip of my tongue, it’s frustrating really,”

Forgetting? Why do I feel like I forgot something as well? But just like Suho’s tip of the tongue moment, I couldn’t pinpoint what I forgot. It only dawned on me a while after the reason why I felt a pinch inside my chest. I forgot the original reason why I was on a taxi an hour ago; I was supposed to meet with Tao before he left for China! Immediately, I erected from my seat and Suho held me back in surprise.

“Woah woah where are you going?” Suho arched a brow.

“Oppa, I forgot something very very important. I’ll be back okay?”

How could I forget such an importantthing? I cursed and groaned at myself in frustration though it didn’t help with the lack of oxygen I was acquiring. But if Tao’s plane would start boarding in two minutes, how in the world will I get to Incheon Airport?

If I just ran a bit faster, I could at least wave at him before he leaves. But running without looking anywhere other than my feet, I accidentally collided with a person. My speed had caused me to stumble back while the male didn’t even move from his spot.

“Ow,” A groan escaped my throat as I felt pain on my behind.

“Bo Mi, I found you,” That voice, it’s familiarly chilling. His loose hazel hair fell over his eyes when he helped me up, just like the hairstyle he had last night. Actually, the clothes he had on were the same ones I left him with. Other than the dark rims taking space under his eyes, Kris seemed as if he hadn’t bothered to change yet which was touching…yet disgusting.

Oh god how many seconds had passed. “Look I’d love to talk but I have to go an—“

Kris grabbed me just before I could run off again. He held my shoulders, pinning me on my spot. “Look, Bo Mi, about last night, I’m sorry. I don’t know what came into me last night that—“

“Ok great but it’s just… I really have to go so bye,”

His grip tightened uncomfortably on my shoulders, preventing me from going almost anywhere. “Stop running from me,”

“But I’m not!” I unintentionally yelled back. He was softly shouting, I couldn’t help myself.

Before we could start arguing about why we were both shouting, Kris grabbed me—with his monster of a grip—and began dragging me.

This wasn’t what I needed at that moment. I was panicing as every second ticked by and the large clock by the guest area where Kris was dragging me wasn’t helping at all. I needed to see Tao because I knew that it was the last time I’d see him again for who knows how long. I must…I need to…

“Kris would you please just stop ruining everything?!”

We both stopped before the exit. Kris turned around slowly, brows arched and lips trembling.

“What? I know I messed up big time last night but I was drunk and I…”

Once I felt his grip loosen, I wriggled my arm out and continued. “It’s not about that,”

“Then…” His expression softened. “What?”

I bit my lips to the verge that it stung but it was the only way I could keep myself from crying miserably. Even though I promised I wouldn’t cry anymore because of a guy—because of love—what am I doing now? Everything was going well until I became closer to Kris. I was starting to forget Jeremy, to go back to the life I used to live before, and smile genuinely but deep inside, I feared love. I swore that I’d never let history repeat itself. It was all going according to plan until Kris held my hand, until he kissed my forehead and until I woke up beside me, in his arms, like everything in the world was in place.

And when I thought things couldn’t get any more out of hand, Kris had to take me into his arms. Immediately, I melted at his alluring aroma and his voice that whispered to my ears the words I hoped I’d never hear again.

“I know that…I’m the last person you want to see right now and you’re probably not going to forgive me for this but…” he gently pulled away only to lock gazes with me “I—I love you Hwang Bo Mi and even if I tried to stay away from you, I couldn’t,”

Every word was just like how I remembered it. It was like déjà vu but this time, I knew what was going to happen in the end and I can’t let that happen. I’ve had enough.

“Kris please…stop,” I begged. “I’m scared,”

“Scared?”

My lips quivered but I forced to speak. “I don’t want to experience Jeremy all over again,”

“But I’m not Jeremy! I won’t make the same mistakes he did,” Kris asserted.

“How can you be sure, huh? How can I be sure that you wouldn’t look at any other woman?”

Kris’ arms fell limply to his side and his eyes were glistening with the guilt of his unknown past. How can he say that it won’t be like Jeremy when that look on his face is the same one I kept seeing on Jeremy’s face? So there I was again, crying, messed up.

“Kris, you don’t know how hard it is to choose between you and …my dignity. But, not now. Please. I need more time and I hope you understand that. I don’t know if I’m ready yet,”

I couldn’t stare at his eyes any longer. Even if I wanted to wipe away that tear that fell across his face, I didn’t want to touch him for my sake. I didn’t want to make things harder for me. Time, time was just what I needed. For all this time, I’ve been lying to myself. I haven’t forgotten of my past, it had just been pushed to the back of my brain and any time it could rekindle itself and haunt me.

“I—I’m leaving,” And I left without leaving any other word. There was nothing left to say. I had said what I needed to say.

But who was I lying to, I love Kris. I wanted to leap into his arms but something was preventing me from doing it. And until that wall had toppled over, I can’t love him fully. Even though people stared, wondering why a woman was on the floor, sobbing loudly, I couldn’t care less. As much as my pride had been broken for the past months, something else was now breaking with it. Not just one piece at a time but it mercilessly shattered all at once. It hurts. But I have to do it.

For me.

For us.