Did I say too much?

Maybe I was too open last night; too bold with my actions and too careless with my words. It was childish of me to not think about how Bo Mi might feel if I rest my head on her shoulder, if I let her feel how much I hurt every time she mentioned Tao’s name and whenever she smiled sincerely when she talked about him.

That’s probably why I woke up, alone and cold with only her jacket draped over me as a sign that last night was not a dream; that I was actually with her.

But why she left me, I couldn’t understand.

I stood from the ground with her jacket in my hands. I impatiently took the stairs because the elevator was taking too long and even if I’ve ran out of breath as I reached the ground floor, I couldn’t stop. I still kept looking for her.

“Wu Fan?” A voice called. I turned my head at an old lady, eyeing me from head to toe.

“Yes?” I asked.

She closed the distance between us. “Bo Mi, left this for you,” The lady took out a can of coffee from her basket. But it was the note stuck on it that caught my attention first.

Hesitantly, I took it from her and read what was written with Bo Mi’s handwriting.

Don’t look for me.

All questions start to rush in. I stared at the note, trying to find a nonexistent double meaning to it. What’s written is what’s written. But…why? How could four words affect me so much that I felt my chest tighten and my eyes blur.

“When you see her,” The lady said, taking my hand. She looked at me with worry. “Do check if she’s alright. When I saw her this morning she looked…disturbed and not herself. Even if she did smile at me before she left,”

“I will,” I replied with an unexpected shaky voice.

Even if she told me to not look for her, I couldn’t expect myself to sit and wait. I couldn’t promise that I wouldn’t look for her because I wanted to know why she was suddenly pushing me away. If it was something I said or something I did. I didn’t want to lose her. With her, I felt…complete; contented that I’d die happy if I was killed right there and then. I couldn’t explain those feelings because I’ve never felt them before. Not with my previous girlfriend, not ever. Even I couldn’t comprehend why my heart raced so much when she smiled at me and called my name with her melodic voice.

I ran outside, taking the first taxi to the hospital. Suho, above all, she never stopped visiting him. That I’ve noticed from watching her from the shadows. Even if I couldn’t see her up close because we were both busy, not a day passed by without me seeing if she’s alright. Even if from afar, I needed to see her smile so my day would be complete.

The taxi came into an abrupt stop. I ask the driver what happened and saw the line of cars that stayed motionless.

“Sir I think an accident happened,” The driver explained.

I slumped back on my seat, uneasy. But I decided that I couldn’t wait it out, I had to find Bo Mi. And with one careless move, I got out of the taxi and ran with her note burning in my pocket.

By the time I reached the hospital, I was nearly breathless. Taking another step seemed impossible. The world was spinning and my head throbbed in pain. But I fought with it, taking two steps forward before colliding into a person.

“S-sorry,” I exhaled.

“Kris? Yah. Are you okay? Why are you breathing so heavily?” That voice, it was Chanyeol’s.

I looked up at Chanyeol’s eyes filled with concern, it made me chuckle. “You crazy punk what’s wrong?” He took my shoulders.

My eyes landed on the female beside him, Sun Mi. “Where’s Bo Mi?” I asked.

Sun Mi shook her shoulder. “I don’t know. She left with Tao a moment ago without telling us where they’d go,”

She left with Tao.

A waste of effort.

Of course, she’s with Tao. Of course, that’s why she didn’t want me to look for her. I probably left her uneasy last night since what I felt for her was not the same with how she felt about me. But I was so stupid to assume that it was.

“Look. I have to go. But you have to tell me that you’re alright,” Chanyeol took my chin so I faced him.

I gently shoved his hand away. “I’m fine. Don’t worry. Go,”

But was I really okay or was I lying to myself. So this is what those girls from high school felt when I turned down their confessions of love. Torn, wounded and feeling as if every inhale was not enough. Oxygen couldn’t suffice anymore.

Chanyeol and Sun Mi left and I just wandered with nowhere to go in mind. Colliding against the shoulders of others earning me a threatening glares from them but I just apologized and kept walking; taking aimless—hopeless—steps with gravity feeling a thousand times heavier, pulling me down.

----------------------------

Children ran and played. Some chased one another, circling endlessly around the fountain. It was a calming sight, children. I couldn’t help smiling whenever I see them. Feeling some sort of envy towards their happy faces and jolly laughter.

“Do you like children?” I asked, turning my attention back to Tao.

“Huh?” He arched his brow.

I moistened my chapped lips. “I don’t remember my childhood. Even if I did, I’m sure it would just be a sad memory,”

Tao took my hand, wrapping them in a warm embrace with his. “It’s not the past that counts. It’s the present,” he said, grazing his thumb against my hand.

There was another pause of silence before I spoke again, remembering my encounter with Baek Hyun that morning and the information I’ve received from him. “You’re leaving tomorrow aren’t you?” I asked without tearing my eyes from our hands.

He chuckled. “How did you know?”

“Baekhyun,”

It was suffocating, whenever we’d fall back into silence and the wind would rustle the leaves of the nearby trees. The park was nearly empty again, with only the two of us and the other benches left unoccupied. Above, the sun was shining brightly but the clouds still hovered over, waiting for the right moment to pour rain once more. The storm had calmed but hadn’t left yet.

“Is that why you wanted to talk to me?”

I bit my lip and slowly withdrew my hands to my side again. “No,” I could’ve talked to him where Sun Mi and Chanyeol could see if it was something as trivial as that. But no. I needed to talk to him alone where it was just me and him. That’s why I asked if I could have a word with him the moment I got the opportunity.

“Remember when you asked me if…” The words hitched in my throat but I struggled and forced to continue “if I like someone else?”

Tao’s eyes shot up. I wanted to tear my eyes away from his, from his gaze, but I didn’t want to run away anymore. I didn’t want to call myself a coward and finally take control of my life. I’ve been drifting with the wind for far too long. The paths that I’ve been taking have leaded me into a series of circles, never advancing forward. Last night, it gave me time to think. Time to reconstruct my thoughts and decide whether what I’ve been doing—running away—was actually solving anything.

I couldn’t lie to my heart anymore.

I can’t lie to Tao anymore.

“I do,” I pulled on the hem of my shirt.

I felt like with every word I said, I was hurting Tao. I could see it from his eyes, they quivered and he rapidly blinked his obvious tears away. Why does someone have to end up hurt? Why does it have to be Tao? He had done nothing but kind things to me throughout the extent of our time together and this is how I repaid him, by rejecting his heart.

“I’m sorry,” My eye fell to the ground. “I’m really sorry…I can’t return your feelings,”

Suddenly, Tao pulled me and I found myself in his arms. “Don’t be. It’s not your fault,” He whispered, running his hand down my head.

Then he continued “To be honest. I never regretted falling in love with you and I never will. But when I return to China, I promise…I’ll try. I’ll try to forget the feelings that I have for you. So you won’t feel guilt and you’ll smile,”

Even if he were saying this, I still felt guilty. I still felt that unbearable pang in my chest as I suddenly felt something fall down my cheek. I felt every deep inhale and broken exhale as Tao breathes and something wet seep through my clothes.

“And can you promise me something?” He murmured.

I nodded.

“That you’ll be happy…with Kris?”

I nodded again. With promising that, I hoped that I could at least do something for Tao. After all the things he had done and sacrificed for me, it was the least I could do…as a friend. Maybe I never looked at Tao any other way other than a very special friend. And as a friend, I wish he meets someone deserving of his love. It could be the next girl he meets, but now I know it isn’t me. And fate made it that way. Even if we tried, we can’t change fate.

----------------------------

After walking for who knows how long, I decided to head back. Chanyeol’s probably worried after he left with the look of concern on his face.

I looked up, finding myself in a street I’ve never been before. It was quiet, like everyone else was at the livelier side of the city. There was almost nothing there other than some stalls and an isolated park. Isolated except for two people on a bench.

I advanced forward—to look for the main road—but something caught my eye. The girl, she was wearing the clothes I saw on Bo Mi last night. A clearer view confirmed that it was Bo Mi…in the arms of Tao.

I looked away, I didn’t know how much of it I could still take. Before they could see me, I walked away. But before I could get far enough, my legs suddenly felt weak. Every part of my body, every limb and ever muscle was suddenly weaker and my eyes, hot and blurry, ached. I had to take a seat on a food stall that I came upon.

A man approached me, asking if I was okay. I didn’t know what to answer as I kept silent, looking away.

I noticed two men at another table from me drinking a bottle I could only recognize as soju.

As weak as my body was, so was my ability to think straight. And without thinking, I asked the same man earlier for an order of soju.

----------------------------

After dropping by the coffee shop to ask Kai for a leave and helping out a bit, I went straight home. It was still afternoon but I felt tired for some reason. Still, the day was fulfilling. I was glad the two of us got things cleared up before Tao left. Time would heal him, I know. It has done the same for me. As I stood in the elevator, listening to jazz music that Jeremy loved to listen to, I realized how it wasn’t affecting me anymore. Looking at my reflection on the steel doors, there was no trace of sadness or hatred anymore. It was as bland as the shade of the silver ceiling. I’ve moved on. And Tao would too.

When the elevator doors opened, my phone began ringing. I picked it up and Chanyeol’s worried voice was the first thing I heard. “Bo Mi are you with Kris?”

“Huh? I’m not. Why?” I almost forgot about Kris. After I left him that morning with only a note as explanation, he was completely out of my mind.

“I saw him this morning, he looked troubled. And now, I can’t find him anywhere. I’ve been searching for hours but still no sign. I just wanted to ask if he was with you. I’m dead worried,” Chanyeol said in one breathing.

“O-okay. I’ll look for him,” I volunteered before ending the call.

Oh dear I hope this is okay since I won't be removing chapters anymore. I don't want you guys too confused. = n =
You have all the right to get annoyed with me since I'm making things so confusing. 
I tried to get some ideas from the very first chapter I made, the one AFF removed, and added a few things too. The continuation, I'd post later this evening since it's Saturday tomrrow, I have all the time I need.

Your comments are super loved. Especially scholarly critisizm. Mianhe ~~ 

-Kleo♥