“Are you sure about that Doctor Hwang?” Lee Soon Kyu asked me.

Truth to tell, I wasn't. I didn't want to leave Taeyeon there all by herself. I didn't want to leave her in that estate. But maybe that would be the best for both of us. Yoona is right when she says I need a break as much as Taeyeon needs to be alone.

“I think Taeyeon and I reached plateau.” I said, my voice softened up. “She improved her behavior significantly which was great, but right now I think that staying 24/7 with her is no longer necessary and won't cause a greater improvement. Actually, I think that right now, what we need is to be apart from each other. For a while.”

“I'm concerned that this “while” might be our mistake. What if she gets violent again?” She asked concernedly.

I exhaled, not hiding my tiredness.

“Honestly, ms Lee, if Taeyeon gets violent again because I'm not with her then we can say my work has no merit and she has never improved in any way. She's just acted accordingly to her own judgment for what was best for her. It was for the best to keep me around because I protected her. It was for the best to keep me around because I was giving her candy.” I said, meaning my words. “If she gets violent again, I have no intention to continue this treatment.” I paused, closing my eyes. My heart squeezing itself. “Because it's futile. I'm just wasting my time. And I don't want to waste my time anymore. I want to feel that my job matters. That I can help people deal with their demons. But if Taeyeon doesn't have the wish to be cooperative, then there's nothing I can do. This has always been more about her will than me.”

She nodded her head. “I understand. I realize taking care of Kim Taeyeon isn't easy task.”

“I need some break. 1 week or 2.” I asked. “And when I come back, I ask you to diminish my hours with her. Observing Taeyeon's behavior without me is the best way to judge her character right now.”

“It sounds like you guys had a pretty big fight.” She joked and I couldn't laugh.

“She's really… a delicate patient.”

“I heard she got into a fight with another inmate.” She frowned her brows, interested in that matter.

I confirmed. “Irene. Those two have a history. But whatever it was the cause, I think it's all solved now and they won't really bother one another. Taeyeon deliberately asked to be put into the SHU and to be left alone. So I don't think she'll cause any trouble.”

Lee Soon Kyu didn't look so convinced but she seemed to recognize my tiredness and that my work regime was a bit extreme. No other doctor at the Asylum has the same schedule as I do, taking care full-time of a single patient, especially such a delicate patient as Kim Taeyeon. Soon Kyu nodded her head.

“Very well, Doctor Hwang. You may have your week off. I hope that when you return, things are in better shape.”

“I hope too, Ms Lee. I hope too.” I sighed.

~~*~~

It was weird to wake up and not drive myself to the Asylum the next day. I was lost, without purpose. I've never felt this way before. My job was to help people dealing with their issues and struggles, to retreat them, to bring the best out of them as people. But I'm failing at helping Taeyeon. I'm failing with her. And I couldn't possibly understand why my favorite patient has succumbed to her dark side when she was so fine two weeks ago. Taeyeon isn't bipolar, nor she has any medical condition that disturbs her inner moods like that. So why she is giving up? What happened to make her go wild like that?

It brought me joy to see her talk with her younger sister. It was so beautiful and touching to see the two of them finally getting along, finally recognizing each other. After so many years apart, they were meeting again! And Taeyeon was so happy! Why she couldn't hold herself to that feeling? Why she couldn't hold on me? Why did she change?

I didn't have answers to that. And I don't I'll ever have answers for that.

“Taeyeon...” I murmured… thinking about her. “What happened to you?”

~~*~~

The boredom of my place was difficult to endure, so I ended up leaving my apartment to drive around the city, just to clear things off my mind.

First thing I did was to buy me an americano at Shiny Brownie Café. The place was in a good localization, close to the Han Bridge and an ever so crowded park plaza. So I got my coffee and started wandering off.

The weather was cold, but not freezing, and the americano helped me getting warm inside.

I took my time strolling that part of the city. My mind always trying to think about Taeyeon and her welfare. I felt lonely. Funny that Seoul is one of the crowd-est city of the whole world, yet, you can still be as lonely as . And I know I'm not the only one. Countless people feel alone in Seoul. Youngsters are having anxiety problems due to the crowding of this city. But love can still be found here. And it is not unusual to see couples wearing similar clothes and walking down the bridge holding hands and once a while a peck on the lips.

I wanted to have that. I wanted to have that with Taeyeon. I wanted to hold her hand and give her a similar shirt so we could couple fashion. I wanted to say out open in the air that I loved her and that I could call her my girlfriend. For Taeyeon, I was willing to face all the prejudice this city has for homouals and proudly say that she is my lover.

“So ing dumb. Don't you have a brain inside that head of yours? She's using you.” That buzzed inside my ears. “You're pathetic, Doctor Hwang.” “Pathetic. You and your feelings for that .”

I always knew how silly I was being. How ing pathetic I was letting myself be because I wanted to be with Taeyeon and how my love for her had made me such a hopeless person. It's just that… there's something inside me telling me that it can't be all lies. All this time? All this ing time? Taeyeon's gestures and manners and looks… were all they lies?

“Taeyeon… are you… taking advantage of me?”

“Not... as you think I am.”

“You said you would get me outta here. Is taking advantage of you...if I want you to stay...because of that?”

“Only because of that?”

“No. It might be because...of other stuff… as well.”

“Am I just just a toy for you?”

“If you were… we wouldn't be having this conversation. I trust you, Tiffany. And it's been a while... since I trusted... somebody else.”

Doesn't she feel anything for me? After all this time, all the words we shared and the love we shared...it didn't mean nothing?

“You're ruining my life! You're ruining everything! It's all your fault! Your ing fault!”

Yeah. I'm the one on fault. If I hadn't tried to talk to her outside our office. If I hadn't given her gummy worms, if only I hadn't talk to her that day in the rain when she cried, I wouldn't be in this mess. If I had been like Doctor Young as Yuri once told me to be, I wouldn't be here, crying for Taeyeon. If I hadn't asked Sooyoung about Taeyeon, I would be alright now.

“Don't you dare doing anything for another person other than yourself!” “People toy with people like you. They will mess you up. They will you up. So don't you dare do everything that you can for another person, you hear me, Tiffany? Never give so much of yourself to another person! Never give so much power to someone else! Not even to me!”

Taeyeon should have told me this earlier. She isn't wrong. I gave her too much power over myself. I gave her everything I could give. And that only broke me. It broke us. It made everything wrong for everyone around us.

“You should stop.”

“Stop what?”

“Being like this. It's wrong, dumb and idiotic.” I wish I could have stopped. But how could I? When she woke feelings up in me that I wasn't prepared? When she connected with me deeper than any other patient I had had? It's been a rollercoaster ride treating Taeyeon, but I was hoping that the end of the journey would be gold and worthy. Not gloomy and dark like this.

I'm failing with my favorite patient.

I'm failing as a Doctor.

I'm failing as a lover.

I'm failing at everything.

And the thing is that there's nothing I can do to stop it.

~~*~~

It's really hard to accept you're failing. It's really hard to accept that the Taeyeon once I knew is courting suicide. It's a common end for many youngsters these says, but I never took Taeyeon as one of those. She didn't seem to share the same troubles or issues with her peers and being an inmate, that makes you perspective in life really different from majority of people.

But she is. She is now becoming another label-mate, a suicidal. Now she is becoming just another number, another graph, another statistics. The life she could have with me, she is throwing away. All for that ing dude!

Immeasurable anger struck me right then. With so much power, that I ended up crushing the paper cup of my beverage and threw it away over the walk line of the bridge. All because of that man!

That stupid man!

I yelled, loudly in pain, as the anger was crushing my heart out.

“WHY YOU'RE GIVING YOURSELF AWAY?”

“WHY I'M NOT IMPORTANT TO YOU?”

! ! !

“IS HIM THE ONLY THING YOU CARE ABOUT, HUH?”

“ HIM! THAT MAN!”

“ YOU! YOU, KIM HEECHUL!”

“It's all your fault!” I left out, unevenly. My breathing completely raggedy. “YOUR ING FAULT!”

“You bastard!”

“You're killing her! You're killing her!”