A/N: This chapter doesn't necessarily follow the events that happened last chapter (37). It's random and shuffled because it comprises the general perspective of Taeyeon. It's up to you to see where the bits match in the whole story and when they are happening. 

Wait for it. Wait for it. Wait for it.

These are the whispers that come along in my head for a while now.

I don't really like waiting. I never did. I just learned to live with it.

All my life I've been waiting.

Waiting for Christmas. Waiting for weekends. Waiting for the my days at that school to end. Waiting for the perfect time. Waiting for the perfect plan. Waiting for the day I'll leave this place. Waiting for the day I'll get him down.

Patience is a virtue, some say. I guess it may be true. I don't think I'd still be sane in this place if not for my waiting. It thrives me on, this constant waiting. It's what makes me focus. Because no matter what, I'm waiting for the day I'll get him. I'm waiting for the day I'll kill him. It's a powerful thought. It's a happy thought.

“Shower Time, Kim.” I heard Officer Lee shout behind the door, before opening it.

It's easy to recognize his voice. After five years in here, it's easy to recognize everyone's voice. There are times where the only thing your ears can hear are their voices and their steps as officers walk through the corridors. You hear their laughs, their talks and their scoffs. Sometimes you can hear them while ing each other in hidden places. When they are not ing each other, they are ing with inmates. Some do for ual favors, others for special treatment, some do it for contraband, and others for just . If I had to cut one of my fingers for every time I saw inmates and officers having , I'd be without my hands by now.

Yet this place pretends it follows rules. That it follows the law.

No one follows the law. Law is a foreign concept to powerful people. Rich people don't go to jail. Powerful people don't commit crimes. They only make mistakes. And mistakes can be forgiven.

The victims of those crimes though, are punished, repressed, dared to live with the consequences of that act that made their lives a living hell. Some people won't even believe in them. Will call them liars, cheaters, ers and takers. Others will tell them to let it go.

No one knows how hard it is to let it go.

Let something go is not like giving an old toy away. Or an old shirt that doesn't fit any more. It's not forgetting it. Nor it is pretending it didn't happen. It's much more than that.

It's about accepting things as they are and move on. It's being able to remember without feeling remorse or regrets. It's moving on with the pain even breaking you inside.

I'm just not that type of person.

I'm not ready to let it go. I was never ready to let it go. And I won't ever be ready to let it go. All my life… all I've been doing is… sticking up with it. Never let it go. Never forget. Just waiting for it. Waiting for my chance. For my shot.

I'm not throwing away my shot. I'm not throwing away my shot. I'm not throwing away my shot.

Sometimes, the voices change to that. Like a little song singing in my head.

“Move, Kim.” Officer Lee commanded.

Moving on is something I will never really accomplish.

~~*~~

Good things come to those who wait, I heard once.

This was the motif that kept me strong in waiting. I had to wait two years to get my first kill. And so much waiting I had to go through to get them down one by one. I can't be dishonest though, I gotta say, Juniel helped me with that.

Having someone beside you when waiting is good. It gives your head some cooling off. Juniel wrote me snippets of songs every day. Even one, she called Pisces, my zodiac sign. Her devotion towards me was certainly creepy. Especially because I'm a creep. I'm twisted, messed up. I could never comprehend how a lovely person like Juniel could like a creep like myself.

Heechul-oppa once told me love doesn't discriminate. Not even between the sinners and the saints, it takes and it takes and it takes… and it keeps happening anyway. It laughs and it cries and it breaks and it makes its mistakes and we keep lovin' anyway. As if there's no wrong in loving a sinner like myself.

I kept her bed warm for many nights. Sometimes, I can still remember how it feels to touch her. Or how her voice calling me Unnie makes my fingers twitch. Having Juniel there for me was enough. As long as I had Juniel there with me, I was willing to wait for it.

Wait for it. Wait for it. Wait for it.

I don't have Juniel any more. And my waiting became duller when she left. The bed got cold for many nights with her gone. I needed to relearn to wait for it on my own. And I didn't like it.

~~*~~

“You have a big mouth, young lady. One day you gonna get yourself killed.” G-Dragon told me after I spilled the good old ' off' the first time we met. 

There are few things in life more rewarding than telling someone to off. It doesn't sound like it is a big deal but to me? It's everything.

All my life I've been obliged to obey rules and codes of behavior. Respect your elders. Don't do this. Girls must act this way. You can't be rude to a senior. It's not polite to not call older boys oppa. Reflect on your wrongdoings. Study hard and go to college. Don't fail at school. Call your fellow seniors sunbaenim. Don't swear. Do this. Don't do that.  You can't be an artist, you need to aim higher. Gotta be a doctor, a lawyer, an engineer, a scientist, a programmer… these are the best professions to have; gonna give you money! Money, money, money, money, money, money!

It's madness. It's sick. It's insane.  They put you in chains, call you a Korean citizen and that's how you should be. No wonder people don't want to have kids these days. No wonder thousands of people kill themselves these days. The government is there spending money in ad campaigns against suicide telling messages like “Keep walking”, “Don't give up”, “Life is good.” You know when Life is good? When you can say ' off' to all those ing things that stops you from being you. When you can finally say a good well delivered you to that older in the streets. For a girl who had to live under moral laws all her life like myself, telling someone to off is breathtaking.

Part of the reason why I was giving no s to those rules was due to my years living with a bunch of street lads. The other part… was because they were no longer with me.

Death doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints. It takes and it takes and it takes…and it doesn't matter how good and kind you are, one day, you might meet your end in a dark alley in the streets. Or in a dirty old warehouse.

Few things are more painful than having the most important thing in your life being taken away from you. It's like cutting your legs out and become unable to walk. You just don't know how to function anymore. You just stay there, immobile, awaiting for the day you can move on. But you can't. You can't move on because you're without your legs. You're without your limbs that made you function properly. You are there… just empty. And when you're empty, you don't feel nothing. You don't feel fear. You don't feel pain. You don't feel regrets. All you feel is ' it'. everything. everyone. You don't care anymore.

Just it.

~~*~~

“I'm here to help you. So don't throw away your shot.”

“Those inmates..and officers...they don't know who you really are and they don't know what you've been through. And if you hurt any of them, you'll make them win. Don't let them win, Taeyeon.”

“Don't throw away your shot for stupid inmates like that guy. Don't even think about throwing away your shot for there's no one in here that is worthy of it! You hear me?”

My head has always been loud and noisy. But having another person's voice in there was a new thing for me. Tiffany's voice is constantly there now.

Tiffany's.

Tiffany.

Tiffany doesn't hesitate. She exhibits no restraints. She takes and takes and takes and she keeps winning anyway. She rises and she falls and she breaks and she makes her mistakes and she keeps winning anyway. Changing the game, playing and raising the stakes.

What is it like to be in her shoes?

What is it like to always win? What is it like to have something to prove? 

What is it like to be like Tiffany?

~~*~~

“One day, you'll get out of here.” She says. I don't think she knows. I don't think she knows what I am. Who I am. What I need to do.

“We'll be alright, Taengo.” Oppa's voice comes in my head.

“We'll be alright, Taeyeon.” Tiffany's voice comes in my head.

How they can be so much alike?

“I love you, unnie.” Juniel says.

“I love you, Taeyeon.” She says.

She has been in my head for a while now. It's difficult to focus on things with her around now.

She makes me feel like Juniel made me feel.

She makes me feel like Heechul made me feel.

~~*~~

The sound of the door of my cell opening made me grimace. All I wanted was to be alone. But it seems to be hard being alone these days.

The silence that surfaced on the room when the visitor walked inside was sulky and resentful. I  closed my eyes, avoiding meeting hers. I'm not throwing away my shot. I'm not throwing away my shot. I'm not throwing away my-

“I need to apologize.” She said. That wasn't the time for that. I want to stay by my self.  I want to stay with my voices. I want to not see her face down here. Right now, it was the worst time ever for ing Officer Kwon to apologize. “I'm sorry, Kim.”  “I shouldn't have said those things.”

“Go away.”

“I can't.” Of course you can. “Please, could you hear me out?”

“What do you want?”

“I'm sorry, Kim, I was wrong.” You always are. “I'm sorry I accused you today. I… was angry. I called you names and I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry.”

Please, just leave. Can't you see how this is the worst time for that?

“I saw her.” I heard her say it, apologetically. I knew who she was referring to. Her voice always changed when talking about her. “Soyeon. I met her this weekend. At a club.”

Since when homebody and coffee addict Yuri goes to clubs?

“I thought I was over it, but I guess I was wrong.” She sighed. “She stopped by and talked to me. Mentioned you.” Me? “She told me you're better than me.” I am better than you. “Even in .”

“Did you tell her to off?”

“Yes.”

“Did it feel good?”

“Yes.”

“We're done here, Kwon. Just leave.”

“I'm sorry, Kim.” She returned. “I lost my temper. What I did was wrong and if it wasn't Tiffany to stop me...” Yeah, if it wasn't for Tiffany. “I thought you had something to do with the man who was kille