LOOSING YOURSELF

SAM Lee's  POW

            I’m so, so, so tired. Now I understand what my sister has gone through when she was a trainee. YG Entertainment is a serious company. I didn’t know it would be so difficult, and intense. All day, every day is the same. Get up, go to school, and after school off to Korean language class, vocal class, dance class, and then practice and homework, and training all over again. I don’t even have a social life anymore. Yes, I have my band mates but all we do is practice, dance and sing. I can’t even find the time for my BF.  I forgot what sleeping means. I don't even know who I'm anymore. A boy who's trying hard to be an idol, or a ghost, or maybe a boy trying to prove himself to the world. Sometimes I think that I should just give up.

            I started feeling jealous of Aki because he can do everything without making an effort. He’s like a machine. Never speaks, but dances and sings like crazy. That’s why he has the time for someone. And that someone is SARANG. Aish... How dare he spend his time with her. This morning in school, I saw him holding her hand, and touching her face. I hope that’s the only thing he’s touching or he will lose his hands, so help me God.

            , , ... Since when this sort of feeling started growing inside me? I have never seen a girl in Sarang. I mean, she dresses up and acts as a guy. Punching me all the time, playing all sorts of sports and acting cooler than any of my friends. Hell, she’s cooler than I’m. Maybe I’m gay. At least that’s what my sister said when I told her that I have some kind of squashy feelings for a girl who is more like a boy. Nooo... she was just teasing me. Right? Arhhh.... I really need to make the time to see Sarang. We haven’t danced together in a long time. I bet she’s mad at me for that. Even T hyung always finds time to come to visit her though he’s still mad at her for pulling that amazing prank on him.

            My sister arranged first row tickets for M Countdown (she can do that now since she's kpop idol). I have always been proud of my sister and her amazing singing abilities. I asked her to take me with her but only because Sarang will be there. I even went to that silent pretty boy to ask him what her mask looks like so I can find her easily. Of course, she would pull out the boy image. She’s perfect for the role.  It was almost 5pm when Amy and I arrived and before she could coax me into meeting her friends (I don’t mind meeting all these pretty girls but I have a mission, mind you) I left in search for my BFF. Finally I found her... but she wasn’t alone. She was speaking with some older man. I came closer to hear, hiding myself behind coffee machine. The older man was no other than Lee Soo-man. What a hell is she doing with him?

            “Mr. Lee, what do you want from me?” I could definitely sense uneasiness in Sarang’s voice. Is she scared?

            “Sarang... Miss, you could do a lot more than pretending to be a boy. ” He started slowly but finished his sentence more firmly.

            “Who said I’m pretending?” Of course she will get all defensive. But Lee Soo-man’s stare got her to calm down a bit. “Fine, I’m. I already told you that I can’t help you.. You know what f-f-father said. NO means NO.” What a hell is going on? What is with her father?

            “All right. What about your grandmamma?”  Whaaaa? Lee Soo-man knows her father AND grandmother?

            “What about her?” Sarang asked coldly, pretending as if she knows nothing. Damn it... When  will she be ready to tell me what a hell is going on. I’m going crazy.

            “She wants to meet you.”

            “I don’t care about other people wants. I respect one, but don’t really care for them. ” Of course she would say something like that. But that’s all lie. She respects other people as much as she cares for their wishes and desires.

            “She asks for you.”

            “Father’s mother can ask whatever she wants, but that doesn’t mean she can get it. That’s not how life is working, yes?” Damn Sarang... You can kill a person with your ‘kind’ words.

            “She’s sorry.” Lee Soo-man lowered his voice as if he was the one feeling sorry.

            “Her or any of her families sorry means nothing to me. That can’t bring my life or my family back. Please, don’t spend your words in vain. The words are nothing but words. What is important are the actions and my father’s or his family’s actions don’t even deserve to be mentioned. I will leave first.” Her words were sharp as blades and cold as ice. She bowed in curtsey and left in hurry. She turned around and left for the stairs and entering the studio. I tried to follow her but once again, I lost her in the crowd. It doesn’t matter... I’ll find her later and I’ll ask her about this strange meeting with Lee Soo-man.

.....................................................................................................................................................

The concert finished and I enjoyed it very much, but I was unable to find Sarang in the crowd. On my way out, I got my phone back and dialed her number but nothing happened. I couldn’t reach her. I guess she hasn’t got out yet. I walked in front of the studio when I caught a sight of her. Damn, I forgot she was under the mask of a boy. That’s why I couldn’t spot her earlier. I waved at her but she suddenly dropped down to tie her already tied shoelaces. That’s when I realized she was in front of none other but Sulli. I ran and butted myself in between them.

            “OMG, OMG.... Is that you, Sulli-shi? I’m your big, NO, I’m your biggest fan ever.” OMG? Damn, I sound like obsessed fan. No, scratch that... I sound like obsessed fan GIRL. I curse you Sarang for this.

            “Yes, I’m. Excuse me, mister but it seems I hurt this boy. If you would be kind enough to wait till I check if everything is all right.” Sulli tried to avoid me, coming to my left, (I followed) then to my right side (Yes, I followed.) She realized I won’t step back so she asked the ‘boy’ if everything is ok.      

            “Sulli-shi, please give me your autograph. I think I’m going to die if I don’t get one.” I guess she realized she wouldn’t get rid of me if she doesn’t give me an autograph she pulled out her marker.

             “Of course, where to?” Sulli asked me after she looked for the paper. I looked around and grabbed Sarang’s glasses from her face.

`           “Here?” Sulli looked at me strangely but took her fan service seriously. In that moment, Sarang took her opportunity to flee. I took the signed glasses, bowed and run away.

            A hard and painful slap at the back of my head made me almost fall face down. What the hell?

            “Idiot. What a heck are you doing following me around like a lost puppy?” Sarang. I mean, who else would try so freely to give me a head concussion.

            “Aish, girl... I just saved your little over there. Is this how you say thank you?” I said scratching the back of my head where she slapped me.

            “I didn’t ask you to do that. And I hit you because you ruined my eyeglasses. Those were the third one I got lost or destroyed. Oppa will flip. AGAIN.” Ok, good. She calmed down a bit. She started popping her neck, than her spine, stretching her arms with her eyes closed. The words just flew out of my mouth in a whisper.

            “How can you be cute even as a boy.” Crap. Me, and my big mouth. Her eyes popped open and she bit her lower lip. Her full, naturally red lip. Then she smirked, and all cuteness disappeared.

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