I would be lying if I said that I didn’t wish for him to call my name when I walked away.  I wished for that, but also ready for the bitter reality. Being with Mingyu really gave me a lot of beautiful experiences in life, and being separated with him doesn’t mean our life is over; we’re heading to our new start which is a lot better.

Holding him any longer wouldn’t do any good to him anyway. I want him to be happy that’s why I have to let him go. I hope he will live a life that he has proud of, and if he find that he is not, I hope he has the strength to start over.

“It’s okay, you will find another great guy.”

“There’s no time for me to do another trial and error at this time, yet, Kwon Byul. You know, the debate championship, the final exam, and the college entrance exam are right before the door!”

“Sure your mind is focused to the exams and championship, right? You are so focused that your eyes are locking its gaze to that boy across the room.” She snapped his fingers in front of my face, and I finally shifted my gaze from him. “Doesn’t it kill you?”

“Which one?”

“Everything.”

“Well, it actually kills me when we don’t talk, when he ignores me, and when we are looking at each other but nothing I can do after that.”

“See? You can’t even fix your heart, why bother telling him to say goodbye?”

I shrugged, “I just want him to be happy.”

“Well it will be useless to tell you the same thing over and over again. Good luck with your championship and the exams then.” She hugged me, “Don’t just wish for his happiness, you have to be happy, too, Nara.”

“You too, Kwon Byul.”

“Stop looking for someone to love you and care for you before you do that for yourself, Nara.”

“I know,” I shifted my gaze to him. “Talking to him every single day can be pretty destructive because there will come a day like this where I can’t even speak with him at all and this is the loneliest feeling I’ve ever had.”

Then he suddenly looked at me, and we just looked at each other like that. Without even smiling to each other; or looking at something else instead. This happens often, and I still can’t get used to it.

Maybe even in the future, I just have to keep my feelings to myself, because I couldn’t find any language to describe them in to Mingyu. I’m just that bad at words. It’s crazy about what love does to people; to me. Right?

I stopped coming to the study group for a while because I have to prepare the debate competition, and I thought it would decrease my time to see Mingyu. But I was wrong. Mingyu came to Seoul University almost every day. I don’t know what’s he doing here, maybe he’s taking some extra preparation class before the college entrance exam?

One thing that must be true is that he is not here for me. Because, why would he?

When I walked in the hall after my practice, I saw him (again), walking to my direction and smiled a little bit when we exchanged gaze. I know that he was right in front of me, in the same place, but in reality he is thousands of miles away. I could touch him, but I couldn’t.

“How’s your practice?” he asked. He asked me. Kim Mingyu just asked me?

“I – uh – it was good. What are you doing here? I saw you – often.”

“Taking preparation class, they offered me after seeing my specs.”

“Oh. They’re definitely interested in you then.”

He nodded, then it became his silent.

“Mingyu,”

“Yes?”

“Do you want to come to watch my competition this Sunday? If you don’t mind.”

“I don’t know, I might have an appointment this Sunday.”

“It’s okay, just come when you’re free.”

“Hmm.”

And that’s how our conversation ended. It was really awkward, like we’re some strangers who were talking to each other for the first time. We couldn’t even look at each other’s eyes while talking, and I kept thinking about the next sentences so this conversation wouldn’t end.

It’s ironic how we used to talk with each other that we even got bored because we talked too much. And now, I don’t even know what to say in front of him. Funny,

After separated with him, I don’t have someone to listen all my stories anymore so I decided to write a diary; and I named it Mingyu. I wrote how I spent my day, and what happened to me. I wrote how I’m still trying to be okay in front of him when my heart is crushed everytime I saw him.

***

“Just do your best, it’s okay even if you don’t push your limit. And be yourself, okay? I’m sure Mom’s on her way, maybe it’s –“

“It’s okay, Oppa. I’m already used to this. Doing anything without Mom. As long as there’s you, I’m okay.”

He nodded, then pulled me into a hug. “My little sister is a grown up now.”

The debate is going to start, and just by looking at the opponents, it feels like they’re intimidating me already. Then I looked around the room; to the audiences’ seats. I saw my brother, Kwon Byul, Vernon, and Mino. But there are two empty seats, two seats that I prepared for my Mom and Mingyu. And I’m one hundred percent sure that neither of them would show up until the end of this competition.

The time tickled slower than I thought, and many unexpected things happened. Maybe they were right about me. I was the smartest student in my school, but outside that, I’m just their easiest prey.

And that’s how I lost this. That’s how I realized that people were right about me, I’m nothing but a bluffer.

Before this, I thought it would be easy for me to get into Seoul University just by looking at my grades. Then I realized, other people have better grades than me and they could easily kick me out of the league.

“Nara –“

“Oppa, I’m going to take a cab home later. Just leave me alone now. Please, could you?”

He nodded, then took a step backwards. “Just don’t do stupid things, okay? This competition is not the only way to get into Seoul University. Remember that.”

I just wish for you to be here, Mingyu. To tell me that I’m okay, to hug me, to pat my head, to let me cry. I just need you, Mingyu. At this time I couldn’t think of anyone else but you, even my Mom chose her work over me. And I feel like, I don’t have anyone beside you two.

Why do I have to catch feelings for someone I wished I hadn’t?

I know that crying wouldn’t fix anything, but at least that’s the only thing that I could do right now. Even if I had someone to talk about my feelings, I just don’t know what to say since I really, really don’t know what’s exactly happened to me. Am I disappointed? Am I regretting something? Am I depressed? Or just simply sad?

Or maybe I can’t accept the fact that I’m still expecting Mingyu to show up until this moment but he’s still nowhere to be found.

Or maybe I just want Mingyu’s two arms to hold me tight at the time like this; when I’m on my worst.

“Nara…”

She was there, standing behind me and still catching for her breath. Seems like she was running all the way here, and she shed tears right away. “Mom,” I called.

I ran to her arms, hugged her tightly as she wrapped her two arms around me. She kissed the top of my head, and I could feel like she was crying there. “I’m sorry, something came up at work and –“

“Thank you for coming, Mom.”

Or maybe I just wanted to be hugged by my Mom and let myself cry there.

“It’s okay, you are still my best daughter.”

“I don’t know anymore, Mom. It’s not just about this competition, my life… but my life, I just realized everything. And it hurts, Mom.” Still crying, and I don’t feel like stopping anytime soon. “What should I do, Mom? I had no idea what I wanted, I just wanted something, and it seems like the worst kind of wanting.”

“I know, I was like you. I was sensitive and I was over thinking about every little thing. But you have to know that,” she pushed my chin up, then smiled, “time heals, Nara. I don’t really know what have happened to you these days since I was really busy with the marriage preparation, and truth to be said, I’m regretting it; to leave you and Jongin behind. But I believe that my children are the best children in the world, they’re not a weak , and they can handle everything by their own hands. But you also have to remember that no matter how much you suffered by yourself, you still have a home, you have Mom, Nara.”

“Do you know that, Soojung is going to marry Sehun?”

She nodded, “Soojung came to me that day, and I couldn’t do anything. It’s her choice. The three of them are adult now, and have their own responsible. And I’m glad that your brother could handle the situation well.”

“He said that he wouldn’t gain something from stressing.”

“And you have to set a mindset like that too, Nara. You have a long way to go ahead, a successful one. Why bother stressing about this single competition, or you love life? Boys are going to catch you once you’re success and prove them that they were wrong!”

I smiled, “Thank you, Mom.”

***

“She lost.”

“I know, right? She thought she’s the best.”

“I could move her rank at this rate.”

“She was just showing off all the time.”

“Kim Mingyu even dumped her.”

“Do you know her ex? The one who’s studying at KAIST. He also dumped her!”

“Even trashy Song Mino dumped her.”

“I heard that her Mom is going to marry Nayeon’s Dad. It must really hard for Nayeon then.”

“Or maybe Mingyu’s the one who did her bad?”

“Stop talking about me!” I yelled, and all the students in the corridors automatically stopped and looked at me. “You know nothing about me so stop talking! I know that I lost in the competition, but can’t you stop dragging other things too, including my family? Can’t you just shut up?  And Mingyu did nothing wrong!”

Kwon Byul and Mino came to for the rescue as they told the students to go and pulled me to the rooftop, telling me to take a breath.

“I know that it’s hard to hear such things for almost everyday, but Mingyu’s not going to come and help you even though you defended him to death.”

“Kwon Byul, what if someone said that Vernon did you really bad when he does nothing wrong? Don’t you just want to defend him?”

“Of course, he is my boyfriend. But who is Mingyu to you? He doesn’t even treat you like a friend, Nara. You have to stop anything that you’re doing now for him. It’s useless.”

“I’ve stopped. But those people wouldn’t stop judging!”

“They even call me trashy Mino for three years already. They just won’t stop, Nara.”

From: Unknown Number

The teacher called you to the laboratory.

I sighed, “The teacher is going to punish me to clean the laboratory for sure.”

“Do you want me to walk you there?”

“No, thanks. Once again, thank you Kwon Byul. And, thank you, Mino.”

The bell was already ringing so most of the students are already in their classes. It’s a relief that the corridors are empty so I could walk peacefully to the laboratory. Maybe the teacher saw me yelling at the corridor just now so he wanted to punish me?

But, is that even something to be punished? I mean… I didn’t do something bad?

Then a message arrived on my phone, from the previous sender. And there’s a photo attached on the message. A photo of Mingyu and Nayeon, kissing. I believe it was a year ago, but what’s the motive behind all of this? I mean, I already knew about their kiss and everything?

Another photo arrived. A photo of Mingyu and Nayeon just came out of the cab and walked into a motel. And this photo really crushed my heart. Maybe Mino was right? When he said that it’s impossible for Nayeon to be attached crazily to Mingyu like that if what they did just a simple kiss?

From: Unknown Number

You just destroyed someone’s future. Do you think they can’t destroy yours? Just wait, Kim Nara. This is just the beginning.

***

a/n; who is ready for seventeen's comeback??? and i think i'm going to write a new fic about their new song lol (MAYBE?)