My fault. Everything is my fault, and I deserves everything. Mingyu’s Mom and Sister kept saying sorry, but actually it wasn’t their fault at all. I was just trying to help them to make up with Mingyu, but I chose the wrong way.

I shoul’ve said the truth to Mingyu, but I lied to him instead. Maybe Mingyu wouldn’t be as mad as now if I slowly tell him the truth.

People said that I have smart brain, but I actually don’t use it right.

And I must be really crazy now to stand in front of his house, under the rain, holding my umbrella, doing nothing but standing; staring to his windows hoping he would opened it for me. I didn’t tell him that I’m in front of his place – well, he doesn’t even want to answer my calls or reply my texts. Mingyu is just simply doesn’t care about me anymore.

These days, I was always running after him, begging for his little time to hear me. But I realized, no matter how much I tried to talk to him, he was always looking at me like I was some beggar? It hurts my feeling yet, I’m still running after him.

But it’s still confusing when I can’t determine if the signs are for me to give up, or just a test to see how long I could hold on. And I prefer the latter.

It’s crazy how I couldn’t stop thinking about him, and blaming myself for all the things that happened right now. It’s crazy how Kim Mingyu could turn my life upside down just with a few sentences. And it’s crazy how someone like me still running after him to say a single sorry.

I missed walking under umbrella with his hand around my neck, I missed the time when he touched my face and I blushed right after, I missed his proud smile whenever he finished doing something – I just simply missed Kim Mingyu, the whole package of him.

“What are you doing here?” she said, making me turned my back. “I said, what are you doing here? To meet Mingyu? Do you think he will ever want to look at you again?”

Nayeon was right, but I’m still denying the fact.

She walked closer, taking my umbrella then throwing it away. “You told my Dad something that you shouldn’t have said! Now he told me to leave Mingyu because he thought I was the one who made you parted away with him!” she kept pointed to my chest, and I kept taking a step backwards. “You were the one who made Mingyu avoided me! And stop acting like you are the best daughter in front of my Dad. Don’t forget that we actually agreed on the marriage for our parents, not because I already accept you!”

Mingyu rushed to approach us, and quickly wrapped his arms around Nayeon. He told Nayeon to stop crying and even patting her back, in front of me.

How could he did that to Nayeon but he didn’t even bother to greet me? Am I officially a trash now?

“Come inside, Nayeon, it’s raining.” He said, while trying to make Nayeon walk into the house.

“And you have to know that I’m going to live in a boarding house once we entered university, so I shouldn’t live under the same roof with you.” She said, before walking away with Mingyu.

And here I am, still on my position, staring at the air. Still confused, and still hurt. Was it really Mingyu? Kim Mingyu? The same Mingyu who used to protect me at all cost? Is now officially turning his back against me?

Can’t he forgive me? Can’t he tell me that I’ve worked hard? Can’t he tell me to stop crying? Can’t he just simply smile to me? Can’t he stop hates me? Can’t I turn back the time, when we were fine? When the world was ours, and it’s just us who rules the whole world?

“Where are you, Kim Nara? Your Mom’s waiting for you!”

“Kim Nara! Don’t tell me you are going there – again?”

“Kim Nara! Answer me!”

“…Kwon Byul,” I tried to hold my tears, so Kwon Byul wouldn’t hear my cry. “I’m okay.”

“Do you think I will stupidly believe just because you said that through the phone? Can you stop waiting in front of Mingyu’s house? I’m sick of lying to your Mom, Nara! And your debate competition is only few weeks away, please attend the practice diligently. Your competitors are from the whole South Korea!”

I ended the phone because I don’t think I could handle Kwon Byul’s nags right now. I know that all the things that she said were right, but still, I want to try to change the fate.

Then I walked down to the streets, without using my umbrella, making people around looking at me strangely. Like, that weird girl is holding an umbrella but chose to be soaked in rain alone. That girl is crying. That girl is anxious. That girl is depressed. That girl is pitiful.

For the whole life, I have never chose to think about other people’s opinion, because what’s matter is my choice, my opinion – not theirs. And even until now, even when people are looking down on me, telling me that my luck is over, and telling me that my great life is over, I still chose to ignore them.

But what made me confused is that one person – Kim Mingyu – could destroy me with few sentence and that’s the worst I’ve ever heard.

The ‘I lost my respect in you’ and the ‘I gave you chances after chances’ still crushed my heart everytime I accidentally remembered about it. I feel like no one is going to root for me anymore, no one is going to believe me anymore, no one is going to accept me anymore like what Mingyu used to do.

I entered a coffee shop, sitting in the corner so I could look outside the windows freely. My uniform is wet, and I’m freezing. And I just did something really stupid.

To: Mingyu

I know that this is stupid, but I’m at our favorite coffee shop, hoping that you would come.

I just want to tell you that I was walking under the rain without my umbrella, and I think I’m going to catch a cold at anytime soon.

You might just deleted this text even before opening it, but it’s okay, I just want to say sorry (again).

Even if I had ten mouths, I still don’t deserve to be forgiven by you.

But I’m trying, anyway.

p.s.: I ordered your favorite vanilla latte, and the waiters asked me where are you.

It’s almost two hours, and I’m still waiting for him. Even after sneezing for many times, I still couldn’t leave this seat before meeting you. I should’ve known better that it’s impossible for you to come, yet I’m still waiting.

I’m not a really patient person, and I don’t know why I could wait for you patiently like this, Mingyu.

It’s getting dark outside and I can’t believe that you already came – after almost three hours. Is it my imagination? Or am I dreaming? He walked closer then sitting in front of me and hell, I could stare at him for a few hours without talking and be content.

He didn’t smile at all, just staring at me and I do the same.

“Sorry.” Was the first word I’ve ever said.

“Your Mom called me that’s why I came.”

“Did you read my text?”

There was a long pause before he answered.

“Yes,” he said. “you ordered vanilla latte.”

I smiled, as the tears kept falling down. “Yes, I ordered vanilla latte.”

“Go home, Nara. You Mom is worried.”

“I ordered vanilla latte, and I couldn’t enjoyed it like I usually do but I gulped it anyway. It’s better while it’s hot, right?”

“You can’t fix anything if you kept doing these immature things, Nara.”

“Can’t you at least ask me about my condition? Do you hate me that much?”

“I said, I don’t hate you, Nara.”

“Then can’t you at least act like you don’t hate me? Can’t you at least patted my back instead of Nayeon earlier? Can’t you at least give me back my umbrella instead of leaving me behind? Can’t you at least ask me if I was okay? No, Kim Mingyu?”

“Stop it, Nara.”

“Then what should I do, Mingyu?” I finally shouted, crying harder, and people were looking at us. “What should I do when you said that you don’t hate me but all the things you do is pushing me away? I feel like I’m absolutely worthless and my surroundings are not helping either. Did I kill someone? Did I committed a sin that couldn’t be forgiven? Why can’t you give me another chance? I know that you have some things that’s connected with Nayeon that you couldn’t leave her for some reasons, but can’t you treat me like you treat her? Can’t you stop torturing me? Can you?”

“I couldn’t find a reason to treat you nicely again, yet.”

I was extremely surprised at his answer, seems like I was never important in his live that he couldn’t even find a reason to treat me nicely again.

“Mingyu, were you ever in love with me?”

He didn’t aswer but standing instead, putting his jacket on the table then left. Leaving me who’s crying, sobbing, by myself. With an unanswered question. And the way he handled the question made me fixed my decision.

It’s enough.

If he doesn’t want me in his life anymore, then I shouldn’t run after him anymore.

It’s enough.

If he said he couldn’t find the reason, I wouldn’t force him to find it at anytime soon. This decision might be hard, and hurt as hell. But, I will try.

I’m not going to beg anymore, I’m not a beggar.

***

a/n; so i promised to update yesterday but i just updated today:') i'm sorry something came up:') and i can't believe i made mingyu to be so mean... dont hate me<3