-

Our first meeting.

A young boy I accidentally knocked down and offered to help carry the files he dropped. He was soft spoken at first, literally, but actually hid a feisty personality.

-

"I won't hear you if you keep up with that volume, Minwoo."

He paused in his steps, looking at me with wide eyes.

"...did I say something wrong?"

Taking in a deep breath, he looked around to see that there was no one before parting his lips. "Minwoo is common. You dropped the formal speech when calling me."

-

Our first trip away from Seoul together.

The way his eyes twinkled.

-

"We're leaving the city behind." Minwoo smiled, looking at the scene we're moving further from after leaving the toll gate. "Like a romantic escapade."

"I'm not sure if there's anything romantic about us two visiting my parents." I raised an eyebrow, but gestured towards the scenery around us. "This river's pretty long. We have it running through my hometown too."

"Is that so?" Minwoo hurriedly looked out, eyes sparkling with a curious glint. He wound down the window and enjoyed the breeze outside, smiling against the slightly salted air. "At this moment, it feels like we're the only two in the world."

-

Did he already like me then?

Perhaps, because it followed soon after.

Our first kiss.

-

"You're not old." Minwoo muttered, my arm gently. "And I'm not young."

I didn't really understand what he was talking about, so I decided to pass it off as drunken talk.

"We're just right."

I nodded along to humour him, wondering how much he would remember tomorrow.

"And because of that..."

He looked up at me, hazy eyes seemingly unable to find the exact position of my face. Bringing both his hands to steady the moving image of my face, he squeezed my cheeks from the side and pulled my face towards him.

"Because of that..."

The smell of alcohol from him felt very odd. He was still a child, afterall. A far cry from the image of having anyone smell like alcohol being a man in his 30s or 40s.

I smiled at my thoughts, smiled at the drunken Minwoo before me as he pressed his lips against mine.

-

His first confession.

-

"I'm afraid."

I felt his breath hitched, and almost thought of it as my own.

"I don't want this to change but I need to tell you."

Suddenly both heartbeats felt like mine, in a similar rhythm that was pounding against my chest.

I thought back to when Minwoo reached for my face under the influence of alcohol and kissed me.

"I love you, hyung." He cried softly, body trembling against mine. "And I don't want to hear you say I don't know what love is."

"Because you don't know how much pain I am in everyday watching you watch me cluelessly."

-

And how we grew apart after that because of my cowardice.

The time we spent apart, he who I thought would never appear in my life ever again.

And...as if to complement my weakness.

His bravery.

-

"Listen." He demanded in a small voice, forcing himself to look me in the eye. "I thought that if things were going to end like this then I might as well take a gamble.

He was nervous.

That thought alone made me want to smile.

"I l-like you." Minwoo decided, changing his words at the last moment. His eyes started averting mine once more, before he shook his head and stared straight. "I love you."

I heard my heartbeat ringing in my ear.

"And I only have two choices for you." He said, taking a step forward.

His voice was shaky, but his gaze was fixed. I watched him close in, but I didn't move.

"Either you close the door on me or invite me in."

-

His innocence.

-

"Can...can I kiss you once more?"

It felt like my heart was ripped out and wrung dry before being haphazardly stuck back in. I grew weak at my knees and stumbled a step back.

Is it even legal for him to ask this question so innocently?

Minwoo raised his arms and circled them around my neck, not waiting for my spoken approval. He tipped his toes to reach my height, leaning against me to peck my lips softly again, and again.

He kissed my upper lip, my lower lip and even the ends of my lips. It was unexpectedly light compared to our make out earlier, but it was also unexpectedly driving me crazy.

With a shaky exhalation, he pulled away and smiled cutely. "I...cheated. I kissed you more than once."

-

Which hides another side of him.

-

"Minwoo?" I blinked, and he sat cross-legged on the table where we just ate from. "What are you doing on the table?"

"Eat me."

"...what?"

I frowned slightly and shifted closer as if that was the reason I was hearing something weird slip out from my boyfriend's mouth.

"Eat me." He repeated louder, removing his shirt swiftly.

-

He taught me a lot of things whether he knows it or not, and sometimes I forget the years we have apart.

That he too, needs reassurance.

He too, has insecurities.

-

"Minwoo, I love you whether or not we have ." I kissed his shoulder, his face still pressed against mine. "Because what I love isn't your body, nor the , but you."

"I love you a lot, a lot too." He whispered shakily.

"I could never date a child because it would be like babysitting, so you can throw that thought out of the window."

He dug his chin against my shoulder as he nodded.

"Is there anything else bothering you?" I pulled away, looking into his eyes. "I want you to be completely bare before me right now, physically and emotionally."

"No." He shook his head and roughly wiped away the lingering tear tracks before breaking out into a smile. "You ert."

-

We've been through lots.

Everything a couple has gone through.

And more.

That time when we were to be physically separated due to my work.

-

"I'm posted overseas." I exhaled, accidentally letting it sound like a sigh. "My company wants me to go to America."

He suddenly hugged my waist tightly, face buried against my chest. "Don't scare me like that again."

I rested my hand on his arm, wondering if he heard me wrong.

"I thought you wanted to break up with me."

"Minwoo, why would I?" I smiled softly, finally realising what made him so fearful.

"You were so aloof these few days." He pouted, raising his head to dig his chin into my chest. "If you're not breaking up with me, I think it's fine."

I wrapped my arm around his waist and kissed him softly. It had weighed on my mind ever since I got the notice from the company. A very good opportunity and experience, indeed, but I didn't want to unsettle my sometimes insecure boyfriend. "Thank you."

He nodded lightly, pecking me on my lips once more. "Don't cheat on me. Tell them you have a wife back in Korea."

-

And the uncertainties regarding the future that plagued our minds, both more irritable to anything at all.

-

I squeezed his hand as we sat on the sofa, trying to keep him conscious of my presence. Anything I say could trigger a fight, and I didn't dare hold him close.

He finally met my eyes, his own all puffed up and bloodshot. He crawled up onto my lap and I watched him press himself against my chest, uncontrollable tears falling once more.

"I'm so..." He whimpered, trembling in my hold. "...so afraid."

I bit down painfully on my own lips, squeezing his form tightly.

I was too.

"I don't want to..." He shook his head, arms going around my neck as he clung closer. "I can't lose you..."

-

I thought we could only grow stronger from then on.

-

"Tell me if you don't like the food there." He sobbed, pressing his face against my shoulder. "I'll send you boxes of ramen."

"I will."

"Tell me if you get bullied there." He pressed closer. "I'll send some knives."

"Minwoo."

"Tell me everything that happens." He hooked his pinky with mine to seal the promise, and I nodded in reply. "I'll miss you."

He pulled away hesitantly, then tackling me once more.

"You big fat idiot!" He screeched, grip around my body so tight. "Tell me you love me."

"But I do."

"I'll keep you here if you don't spell it out for me."

"Minwoo, I love you." I smiled gently, his hair as he buried his face deeper into my chest.

-

No amount of time and distance apart could break us.

-

"I'm going to be hot and y and people will line up for me, so you better come back as soon as possible to claim me."

"You speak like you aren't already a walking work of art."

"You better not be saying that to anyone else."

"Your faith in me is always so liberating."

"It's the last time I'll say it. I should end the call now."

"I love you."

"Tell that to my face."

I sighed softly, waiting in silence to hear him end the call.

"...I love you."

-

Yet I grew weaker.

-

"Oh, there is a little puppy that hangs around my neighbourhood and it resembles you."

"Minwoo..." I heard myself barely coughed out, shaky voice giving away my current state.

"...don't say it."

I choked on my words, frightened by his sudden change of tone.

"Is there anything else? Because if not, I'll be hanging up."

Minwoo was distant.

But just a few seconds ago he was telling me all about his day like I've always been-

Like I've always been there.

"...n-no." I stuttered, tears falling.

"Okay. Goodbye then."

I winced, the goodbye sounding more definite than I remembered it to be.

"And don't call me again. The next time you do, call me with the news saying you're coming back."

-

A side of me I never knew.

A dependence on him that I never thought I'd need.

-

"It's okay." Minwoo hushed my cries gently, and I clutched onto my pillow as the best replacement for his figure half a world away. "I'm here, and I'll always be."

Minwoo let me cry for half an hour and kept humming lightly as if to soothe my messed-up feelings.

"I'm waiting for you."

I shook violently, trying to contain my sobs to hear him clearly.

"Tirelessly."

The nights in America were dull and draining despite the vibrant city.

"Endlessly."

The days here were unnecessarily long.

"Painfully."

And every minute without him made every breath so laboured.

"Everyday, it hurts to think of you. But I can't stop. I won't stop."

"Minwoo..." I bit onto my lower lip so hard it almost drew blood, arm roughly rubbed across my face to wipe the tears. "Keep hurting. Please."

"I will." He said lightly, a hint of laughter in his voice. "The moment you entered my life, you became the last man I willingly allow to hurt me."

-

I still remembered how my blood pumped at the sight of him after the stressful time apart.

The fact that he was waiting.

The fact that I was back.

The fact that we are still 'we'.

-

I let myself be dragged by my tie, his breaths against my skin making me so giddy. He smiled softly, tugging me lower once more and then pressing those previously pouting lips lightly against mine.

I reached for his waist, finally realising that I was really home.

Carefully pushing closer, I could feel myself trembling, my muscles spazzing. I could barely control my body, desperately trying to hold him tighter.

He pulled away, a light peck on my lips.

His fingers ran through my hair, eyes locked with mine. I watched him smile, and could burst from my overwhelming emotions because this very angel is now back in my arms.

Living, breathing.

"Minwoo." I whispered, nuzzling against his hair as he buried his face in my chest.

He looked up, and there was something glistening in his eyes as there was in mine.

Welcome back.

-

I wanted to stick closer this time.

I never wanted to leave his side.

-

"I can't figure if you or the stars are more beautiful." I nuzzled against his neck, leaving a kiss there before watching him once more.

"Me." Minwoo squeezed my cheeks ruthlessly with his hands, chuckling. "The shining star you get to hold in your arms."

"My Polaris?"

"Whatever you want to call me." He pressed a kiss on the tip of my nose. "...except baby."

"But that's the one I want to call you the most."

Minwoo pressed his lips together with a soft smile, lacing his fingers with my hair. Combing it slightly, he suddenly tugged on them and pulled me forward, lips breathing lightly against my ear.

"If we do ever adopt, that's what we'll call that child."

-

If he was a candy, I'll willingly get cavities.

-

"How many sunsets will you watch with me?" He asked quietly, eyes set on the faraway star.

I smiled softly, leaning my chin on his shoulder.

"As many as the sun allows."

"The sun will outlive us." He said thoughtfully, hand raised to hold the railing as if stabilising himself from the euphoria of being so high up

"But not our love." I grinned, almost hearing him sigh at my cheesiness.

"Give me a number anyway."

I squeezed his waist tighter.

"Seven hundred twenty three thousand one hundred and twelve sunsets." I let my breath tickle his ear. "And this is just the first."

-

Except reality isn't the kindest kid around the block.

-

"Minwoo, are you still hanging out with him?"

"...who?"

"Him."

"Well, yeah." A pause. "I'm not gay, don't worry, mom."

I widened my eyes.

"Hurry and find a girl, I want to see you-"

"I know, I know, I get it." I felt his voice getting further from me. "Get married and have kids, I know."

"So what is he?"

"...huh?"

"I mean, you guys know each other for so long already. I was sure you were hiding something from me about him."

"...no."

I felt my body slowly turn limp.

"...he's just..."

My knees giving way.

"...a friend."

-

And he turned into a stranger overnight.

-

“It’s been a while since I made it, glad it still tastes good.” He laughed, then popping another into my mouth. “I’ll make you more next time.”

I flinched.

“Did you bite your tongue?” Minwoo fussed, pressing closer.

“No.” I shook my head hurriedly, managing a smile while shifting away. “It’s okay.”

Shrugging off the issue, Minwoo then handed me my bottle of alcohol before turning his attention back to the artist on stage. “Outdoor concerts are pretty cool. Let’s go to another one again soon.”

-

Harshly promising a future to me and another to his mom.

-

"Guess I need to wait 40 years." I resisted crushing the cup in my hand, barely keeping my breathing calm. "For now, I am just a friend while you go ahead and marry a woman and have kids."

"That's not-" Minwoo groaned, stopping short. "You know what? Fine. If that's the conclusion you want to come to, and nothing I say will change your mind, then let's go straight to the end."

"The end." I repeated in disbelief.

"You're picking a fight with me. You want to break up. Just say it straight."

I crushed the cup and felt the remnant ice offering resistance, coolness as if trying to fight my fire. "Who the said anything about a break up?"

"You won't listen to a word I say!" He yelled in annoyance, and I don't understand how he could be so indignant as if there was no reason for me to be upset at all.

"All I'm saying is I want your mom to know about us-"

"She can't!"

-

And speaking words of separation so easily.

-

"Closure." Minwoo released his breath. "I just wanted closure."

"Right." I shrugged.

"You...were...my first...relationship." Minwoo struggled to find the right words.

Past tense.

His first love.

I nodded and concentrated on my dessert.

"Thanks for the memories." I took a bite of my cake and accidentally met his eyes. He smiled softly at me, continuing. "Good or bad, you were the biggest part of my life."

-

We were both the biggest part of each other's life, Minwoo.

And what never changes is how you will always be the one to come to me.

-

"...thank you for lending me your bed." Minwoo fidgeted, hesitating before heading to the dining table for his seat opposite mine. "...and breakfast."

I nodded simply, scrolling silently through my phone to check for new e-mails.

He took a few bites, slowly losing the tension in his shoulders. "Sorry for bothering. I must have told the taxi the wrong address."

I shrugged.

"I'm doing pretty well." He laughed a bit awkwardly, and I eyed his hands before reading a new mail from a client. "My mom introduced me to this really cute girl and we've been hanging out often."

I scanned the content of my mail once more, mentally making plans.

"We've got lots in common. The girl says she hopes we can get married within the next year because she'd like to have kids early." Minwoo continued, and I felt his gaze on me.

-

And thank you.

You would put your pride aside to come to me first, while I could never do so.

You came forward while I ran in circles.

You were strong when I was weak.

Sometimes I wonder if I deserve you. Yet again, I don't want to think about it.

Even if you're too good for me, I'll selfishly keep you to myself.

Never again do I intend to lose you.

Definitely not after how your mom almost fainted hearing the news of how we were dating.

We've been through so much.

Every memory deeply etched in my brain.

You talk about how it would have been great if you were my first love just as I am yours.

Maybe then we could share this magical feeling.

But you don't understand.

You value what came first just like the initiatives you take.

While I am content with the end.

I too, understand the miracle that came to me.

A miracle with the same name as you.

I am your first.

And you are my last.

-

; and word by word, I fall victim to the things you said.