Edited by the lovely ChiNyan

Dedicated to RaniChan163 & freshlybakedcookies

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E I G H T

S T I G M A: a cycle of never ending guilt and self-loathing (see: Aaemi Kou)

 After the party, sleeping was out of the question, as was eating or drinking. So the second I had made sure Angel was physically okay and safe with her parents, I changed into a pair of comfortable loose basketball shorts and locked myself in my office with mounds of paperwork.

My head ached painfully, so I turned the lights down as low as possible. That only made things worse for my eyes, that were struggling to read the tiny print of bills and consent forms. A few hours of me scribbling on signature lines passed.

“Aaemi?” I didn't hear Jaron over my headphones until he flicked the lights on and nearly blinded me. 

“Holy crap.” I yanked my headphones out then crammed my palms over my eyes, trying to keep them from tearing up. “Jaron? Is something wrong? Why are you up so late?” I gave myself three seconds before pulling my hands away and squinting at his figure.

Jaron walked into room and I could smell the anxiousness off him, “I could ask you the same thing, it's two in the morning.” He looked tired, but his voice was even as he examined the mess of paperwork that swam on my desk.

I shrugged with a smile, “I couldn't go to sleep.” My hands fluttered of the stacks of papers in front of me, trying to sort through them and to talked to Jaron at the same time. “Did you need something?”

Jaron sighed, “Aaemi. Angel's mother told me about what happened at the party.”

I froze, my grin fell off my face. Keeping my eyes locked on the desk in front of me, I busied myself with straightening up my stack of pens as my mind flashed with images of Angel under the nameless panther shifter. My wolf snapped her teeth and flattened her ears in anger. “Yeah.” My voice was tight with a barely contained fury. “Some bastard panther shifter tried to take advantage of her.”

There was a moment of silence between us before Jaron moved and took a seat in front of me. “Aaemi. I think we need to talk.” I didn't look up. Training my eyes on my hands, I nodded.

“Okay.” The anger was dying down but the remnants of guilt still gripped my stomach.
“I'm your elder, which means I'm supposed to guide you as an Alpha. I haven't been doing to good of a job lately, with the pressure of our pack's great migration-” he smiled at the word 'migration' “-it's been pretty hectic. So I'm go to start right now by telling you to stop torturing yourself.”

My eyes flickered up to his slowly. “What do you mean?” A barely contained sigh heaved through my chest. He was starting this conversation again.

Jaron sighed again. “Aaemi, ever since you've taken over as Alpha you've made it your job to take the brunt of the fall for whatever happens in the pack.” My stomach has begun to coil, “You have to realize that not everything is your fault.” Every word he said, slammed into my chest like a bullet restricting my throat.

My wolf growled in agreement but I told her to shut up.

“We shouldn't be talking about this right now,” I said. I desperately wanted to put my headphones back in, but Jaron kept talking.

“Aaemi, you barely sleep. At all. I know that because of...your father-” His voice cautious as my father was mentioned. My wolf snapped her jaws at the word, “-you were left with a lot of responsibilities. But you weren't left with all of them, you have a beta and a elder and a whole slew of fighters and subordinates. And you're a teenager for crying out loud, you can't expect yourself to shoulder the entire weight of the pack.”

We were always having these discussions. Jaron and his crazy delusions about how I didn't have anything to prove to the pack.

“I took Alpha position after my father's death. It is my responsibility.”

Jaron ignored me, “At the party? You saved Angel from the shifter, you didn't put her in that situation-” My stomach coiled.

“Yeah, but I didn't prevent it either.” I put a warning into my voice. If Jaron noticed, he didn't appear to give a .

“-and I know that you've found your mate. I can smell the difference in your scent and I'm not going to pretend that I didn't see the marks on your arms. Have you even done anything about your mate, like maybe filled him in. Has he approached you about-?”

“That is so not the point.” I cut him off, my eyes flashed.

Jaron shook his head, looking away, but he still continued to prod. “Who is it?”

I stayed silent.

“Aaemi-”

“He's the Alpha. Of a pack nearby,” I revealed quietly. Jaron's eyebrows shot up in interest. “But that doesn't matter because right now I can't even bother with-”

“Uh. Yes, Aaemi, I would say it does.” Jaron kept his voice calm but he looked like he wanted to strangle me because I wasn't understanding something, “Your mate is Alpha of a pack. I would say that the fact does matter. Quite a lot actually.”

This suddenly turned to a conversation between a eighteen year old girl and her uncle.

I breathed in deeply. My mind was already swimming with so many confusing thoughts, I couldn't afford to think about Jungkook. But it was what I was doing every single waking moment when I wasn't working. I had a pack to lead, and now that we had finally moved away from the shadow of their late tyrant of an Alpha, I had responsibilities to take and mistakes to fix.

“Jaron,” I sighed, the words were familiar in my mouth. This recurring conflict between us was something that we had fought about since I took over as Alpha female, “Jaron, half of this pack looks at me and sees my father.”

He breathed out, “Aaemi, you know that isn't true.”

“They see the monster that my father turned into, the things he did, the manipulation that he cracked under. The manipulation that came from his second mate. My stepmother.” I said, I had no idea where these words were coming from, but they were new and saying them out loud made me realize something acutely painfully, “I'm sorry if the word 'mate' doesn't give me warm and fuzzy feelings.” My voice was dry and bitter and I tasted the resentment in the air. I almost wanted to laugh. It took a lot to resent your father.

Jaron closed his eyes, like he wanted to take the hit for me. “Aaemi-”

“Get out.” I kept my voice as gentle as possible to ease the savagery of the words, “Please.” My Alpha Current flared the slightest bit. The conversation was back to their correct labels. An alpha talking to her elder.

Jaron nodded after a moment, signaling his submission with a sad and tired face. I leaned back in my chair and shut my eyes. Great. Something else I was good. Pushing people away in the worst way possible.

“As you wish, alpha.” I didn't hear him get up or walk to the doorway, but I heard it slam shut and once again I was left in the darkness.

But I liked the darkness. It blanketed everything in the same, comforting color. My music still blared from my headphones as I slid them back into my ears. But the darkness was lonely and left you by yourself, with all of your thoughts.

“I'm sorry.”

★ ★ ★

The next day I didn't even bother going to school. I just tossed Justin my car keys and flung a cardboard box at him to keep him from waking me up. Then, at around twelve, I dragged myself out of bed to find something to eat. There was a pack meeting in the evening and I was still behind on paperwork. I also needed to track down my beta, Kaiden, and get his moving on the legal property crap I couldn't bother to wrap my head around.

When I finally did convince myself to go downstairs, I was greeted by an empty fridge.

“No way,” I examined the bare insides in devastation then checked the freezer. Then checked the fridge once more. All that was left were a couple dozen eggs stacked in several purple cartons. “Those bastards.” How did they manage to eat everything in the eight hours I was asleep because when I came downstairs for ice cream early this morning, there was still food.

My wolf snorted in affectionate annoyance at the Blake brothers as I reached inside the fridge and grabbed four eggs.

“Fine. I'll just eat this.” I scrounged around for something to cook it on but after finally finding the right pan, I spend another ten minutes trying to find cooking spray.

I already wanted to bash someone's head in, and I haven't even eaten yet.

At least there was still coffee in the coffee machine.

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