. Damn.

I should have known this would happen to me. Love and I, we don't go well with each other. I am a messed up son of the after what happened to me...after I killed my own kid because of my stupidity, after I broke up with my fiancé and for hell's worth got back with her and now...I just....I... I don't know what to feel…

Have you ever felt that? The numbness after so much pain in your life? Like no one ever listens to you, like no one ever understands you?

I've been through hell. And there is a part of me who thinks that bad things are going to happen if I attach myself too much. But no one understands right? Cause I’m just a jock-good looking-man- to everyone. It’s better that way....I think...

When I met Nadine, it’s like everything was normal. She help me to straighten up my life in a way. She was my world. She was my everything but...as I have said love and I don’t really get along. I freaking knocked her up by accident. If there is such a thing. You know condoms only work 97 percent of the time. Yes it’s in the package. Since I’m an unlucky bastard, it happened to me.. Killed my own kid before knowing he even exist... No one knows how I felt after I found out. Not my parents, the doctors or even Nadine. No one ever realized the severity of damage I felt. It was my ing fault. The weight of that sin...killing an innocent unborn child.

I was planning on marrying her. I swear, she was all I wanted and I would give up my whole world for her. But it damaged me. How can I face her, her family hell I can’t even look at my own face in the stupid mirror because I was disgusted with myself so I figured I just need a time for myself. I need to go back to where I think I’ll be able to live without the judgement of others. Without looking at people knowing how they perceived and sentenced me as a person without knowing my story.

But then my world got astounded by this girl. This girl who was once made my heart flutter when she genuinely smiles at me. She was and still is beautiful...but she is my best friend's little sister and nothing is more important to me than friendship. I don’t want to wreck that. I don’t want to destroy that relationship that only works for me.

Nadine might be my first love but Sara, she made my heart beat again. She fixed something in me that was so broken. The first time I kissed her, the first time I slept with her, my feelings were very sincere. I knew I was falling for her and it scared me because I know it will not end up well. I know I’ll mess it up.

I th