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It’s her mom’s birthday today. The day we’re both supposed to go to her mom’s grave and celebrate it there together. It has been something we have been doing ever since she lost her mom. I guess now it would be different.

“Babe? You still there?” Boksoon asked over the phone. My mind has been wandering too much that I forgot I was still in a conversation with her.

“Oh, neh, I’m still here. What did you say earlier?”

“I asked if you have any plans for today, if you don’t have any, can we hang out and maybe go on a date together?”

“I have plans for today actually. It’s my friend’s mom’s birthday and you know what happened last time; I don’t think they would like it if I bring you.” I lied. Well it’s not really a lie since it’s really my friend’s mom’s birthday. Though I said she’s not my friend anymore… I was just carried away by unnecessary emotions.

“I don’t think they would like it if you come either.” She mumbled just enough for me to understand.

“My friends usually don’t hold grudges.”

“Oh, yeah? How come they haven’t contacted you then?” She asked, the tone of her voice rising slightly.

I sighed. “It’s my fault anyway. I think it’s just right that I say sorry. I couldn’t stand them getting mad at me.”

“Them or her?” I can now sense the anger in her voice.

“Them, babe. Them.” I stated firmly.

I heard her scoff on the other end of the line. “Yeah right, if I know you’re just worried about Sumin. She hurt me don’t forget that.”

“How can I when you remind me every minute?” I chuckled shaking my head. This is getting quite ridiculous now.  “Why are you being so paranoid about this anyway? It’s not like I’m going to just suddenly date her. I chose you so calm down, okay? Relax.”

She let out a somewhat shaky breath. “I’m sorry babe. I’m just worried she might seduce you or something.”

“She’s not that kind of girl Boksoon. I’ll be going now. Talk to you later. Bye. I love you.” I hang up the phone not giving her a chance to answer.  I made my way out of the house and took a trip to the flower shop in the market. I bought a bouquet of white orchids and pink carnations which we usually buy before whenever we visit her mom.

“Excuse me.” I called out to the florist and she walked to me. “By any case is there a flower that means, ‘I’m sorry’?”

“Yes sir.” She smiled leading me to an area full of a certain type of flower, which I don’t know the name of, in different colors. She took a stalk of the purple colored one and then handed it to me to inspect. I looked at it closely bringing it up to my face. One stalk has already a bunch of flowers on it. “That sir is called a hyacinth. Purple hyacinth stands as a symbol of sorrow and a request for forgiveness.”

I nodded my head still looking at it. “I’ll get a bouquet of this as well.” She took several stalks of it and then went to the counter to wrap it in a bouquet. I paid for the flowers and then brought it out along with me. I did a quick detour to the bakery and bought a really small cake enough for just one person. After that, I was ready to head onto the cemetery.

As I was parking my car I saw another one nearby which is too familiar. I got out of mine to look at the car closely. I was right, it was Chanyeol’s. What is he doing here? Did he accompany her? I went back inside my car and parked it where they can’t possibly even see me. I decided to wait for them to come back into the car and leave the cemetery because meeting them would just be too awkward. After thirty minutes or so, I saw them walking towards the car.

“Ah I was right.” I mumbled to myself quite disappointed. This is supposed to be our thing, but she shared this moment with Chanyeol. I felt a bit betrayed. I remember her saying before that whatever happens she’ll only bring me along. Shock rushed into me when I tasted blood in my mouth, I was biting my lower lip hard and I didn’t even feel it. “Aish.” I wiped away the blood and then waited as they drive out of the area. I went out of my car. I kicked one of the tires due to anger. I don’t even know why I’m angry anymore. Is it because she brought Chanyeol together with her to this place or because I’m mad at myself, seeing them now knowing how much I screwed up? I guess I pick both. I hate the idea of him and her together and I hate the idea that they became close like this because I’m such an idiot. Can I even call her that when I basically told her directly we’re not best friends anymore?

I made my way to her mom’s grave, my mind still full of angry thoughts. I saw a bouquet of pink carnations and white orchids, just like the one I’m holding now, there’s also a box of cake beside it. I laid down the two bouquets and the cake on the ground before finally putting down the bouquet of purple hyacinths as well.

“I brought a different flower this time eommoni.” I mumbled quietly. “The florist said this flower means ‘I’m sorry’ and I wanted to say that because I’ve failed as a best friend to her. I hurt Sumin so much and I continue on doing so. I wanted to make my girlfriend happy but whenever I do I feel like I’m doing something wrong cause she ends up hurt every time. Please…” I sighed “help me.” I stood there for a moment quietly staring at her grave. I desperately needed help and I desperately needed answers.

After my trip to the cemetery I headed onto Suho’s house. I rang their doorbell and after about 5 minutes I saw him coming towards the gate opening it.

“Come in.” He said smiling at me.

I nodded smiling back at him. “Thank you.” He patted my back and then led me inside their house. We decided to talk inside his room and so here I am sitting on chair infront o