[CONTENTID1]Chapter 49[/CONTENTID1]

[CONTENTID2] Soundtrack:  "Heaven” - Troye Sivan

[/CONTENTID2][CONTENTID3]

“This voice inside
Has been eating at me
Trying to embrace the picture I paint
And colour me free”

Heung Soo walked the way down that street towards Nam Soon's cafe, unable to concentrate properly. His mind was racing for the minutes just before he got that offer until years ago when he received the news that he would be going to Seoul. It was hard to control his excitement mixed with his memories of those times, of wonders of what could have happened, and now dreams of what would happen from now on.

He could see the red facade from a distance, and placed his hands in his pockets, forcing the biggest smile he could muster as he reached the wooden door. He could see a few customers sitting inside the coffee shop, and on the other side of the counter he saw Nam Soon's back as he made some coffee for an old lady waiting in line. The movement was not big, but he was happy to notice that the cafe didn't pass unnoticed by the people around the street.

Nam Soon turned to her and handed her the cup of coffee as soon as he looked up at the door, where Heung Soo was waiting for him with that smile on his lips - he made sure to keep that warm and pleasant expression on his face as he approached. He blinked as he gave a step ahead, trying to erase those thoughts from his mind, trying not to look at Nam Soon and think about what he would say about what just happened, trying not to think that part of him wanted to accept that promotion, but also to remind himself that he couldn't possibly accept it.

Years ago, how could he so easily give the same news to Nam Soon? How stupid of him to think that Nam Soon wouldn't feel alone. But how even more stupid of him to think that himself wouldn't be completely alone. So how could he possibly make the same mistake again? So, the decision of not saying anything was the best and the only choice he could have ever made.

He headed to the counter, and Nam Soon had a beautiful smile on his lips as he offered him a black drink. The place was filled with the characteristic smell of coffee - it was warm, cozy, and Heung Soo was happy for Nam Soon. So glad that he couldn't possibly erase that smile from his lips. After all that Nam Soon went through, that they went through, he just couldn't.

“Without losing a piece of me
How do I get to heaven?
Without changing a part of me
How do I get to heaven?”

But his smile was no longer on his lips when Nam Soon placed the cup in front of him, and he didn't hear when Nam Soon smiled relieved, saying how anxious he was for fear of no one appearing, and how surprised he felt when people started coming.

But Heung Soo didn't answer and kept staring at his coffee, as the memories of Nam Soon on the day he told him he was going to Seoul came to mind - it might even be a wrong memory, based on how he thought he would feel if he told him now about the offer he had just received.

But Nam Soon would never know. If it was up to him, he would never have that sad look on his face again.

“Heung Soo-yah are you listening?” Nam Soon called him out and only then he woke up from his daydream.

“Sorry,” he quickly replied, and ran to check the time. “I was thinking about some stuff at work,” he was kind of honest as he finished his small cup of coffee.

“Right ... “Nam Soon murmured, watching as Heung Soo quickly set the cup on the counter and stood up.

“I'll see you at night,” he forced his smile once more time, and didn't even notice the suspicious expression in Nam Soon’s eyes as he watched him leave the cafeteria in quick and anxious steps. 

How to take that out of his mind and return to his daily routine, as if nothing had happened?

Heung Soo had already decided - he wouldn't go. He couldn't go. How could he leave Nam Soon when they were finally together? So, he would pretend that that conversation never happened.

But ever since that day, life had been throwing signals all around him - exchange programs all around the internet, TV dramas talking about Canada ... All those small things in your life that you usually just ignore were popping up in front of his eyes.

He really wouldn't go, and had no plans to do so. Yet, he didn't delete the email he had just received from his boss on that night as soon as he his notebook over his bed.

“So, are you feeling excited about work now?” Heung Soo asked Nam Soon, who was placing some clean clothes back in the closet - not being too careful with them, but Heung Soon took the opportunity to open his e-mail and read whatever it said - it was a formal proposition of everything his boss told him that morning. Heung Soo took some time to reread everything and think them through, wandering into the autumn trees he often saw in movies about Canada, and then back to the room where he was. And for a brief minute he forgot that Nam Soon was actually talking to him about how he was still surprised that he actually had a few clients tasting - and enjoying - his coffee, and he didn’t even notice when he sat next to him and started to approach, trying to read what he had opened in his notebook.

Heung Soo noticed his presence only as his shoulders touched him, and he quickly closed his notebook before he could read anything too compromising.

“Can we turn off the lights? I’m feeling rather tired,” Heung Soo forced a yawn, trying not to stare into Nam Soon's curious eyes, who watched as Heung Soo placed it under his bed, pretending not to notice Nam Soon’s questioning expression.

Actually, Heung Soo had been too quiet this week, and Nam Soon kept pretending not to notice. He had been too blank and thoughtful, as if he were not really there. But Nam Soon didn't ask - for some reason, he thought he knew why - next weekend he would be going to visit his sister for her baby shower. Actually, the month went by so fast that he barely saw it coming.

“The truth runs wild
Like kids on concrete
Trying to sedate, my mind in its cage
And numb what I see”

“Packed everything?” Nam Soon asked him by the door as Heung Soo putted on his shoes on that Saturday morning.

“Think so. Not that I need much, we're only staying home,” Heung Soo shrugged, standing up and seeming not even a bit excited for the trip.

“Cheer up. You're gonna be uncle soon,” Nam Soon mocked him, trying to force a smile on his lips - but even that didn’t seem to make him laugh.

“We discussed this already,” he sighed, putting his bag on his shoulders. “You should be coming with me, you know how a feel about it.”

“I know.” Nam Soon nodded, leaning against the wall beside the door. “Honestly, I'm fine. Just go and talk to your sister... And don't argue with her about it, please.”

Heung Soo didn't answer him though, and gave him a quick peck on the lips before leaving.

He indeed had no plans to argue with her - in fact, he didn't know what to expect other than a boring weekend. Not that he wasn't happy or excited about her pregnancy - she was still his sister after all. However, he couldn't help but feel that part of him was being left and forgotten behind as he went alone on that train to her city.

It was just a few hours’ trip, which went by quickly since he fell asleep on the first ten minutes and only woke up when they were just arriving. It was a bit crowded, but Heung Soo quickly spotted his brother-in-law waiting for him in line in front of the train station - he had the same height as Heung Soo, but something in his features revealed his half-american nationality - which explained his American name, Dennis. He did not spot Joo Mi anywhere, but this was probably because she was avoiding going out ever since her belly began to grow.

Heung Soo wasn't sure what he expected - a judgmental eye, any kind of comment or just absolute silence. Probably the last. But it was none of that.

Dennis, was acting strangely normal, asking about his job, talking about how anxious he was about being a father, and telling him that his family came from America earlier in the week - his father was American, and all his grandparents and cousins were coming to send their regards and wish health to the upcoming baby. It was probably only when they were inside the car, after the conversation had dissipated and Heung Soo was distractedly looking out the window, that he realized what was happening - only after he asked him how Jin Ah was going - it was just then that he noticed that she hadn't spoken about Nam Soon and all the things he told her when she was at his house - it was just then that he was sure that Joo Mi was just pretending that that conversation had never happened.

“We broke up. My sister didn't tell you?” Heung Soo said, although he already knew the answer.

And maybe that was the reason why he wasn’t all excited when he saw her at the door with her belly already showing. He did smile for her though, and he was actually happy for her - for them. But not for him. More than ever, he felt that he was back to those days when he needed to lie to her.

“How was the trip?” she asked, entering the house and gesturing for him to follow, probably to indicate the new room in which he would stay.

“Fine, I slept all the way through it,” he shrugged, not too eager to start a conversation.

And the words that weren't coming to his mouth got even more lost in his throat when she showed him the room he was staying in: it was no longer in reforms. In fact, it was large enough to fit him, Nam Soon, and even one more person if they didn't care too much about space.

But he shouldn't be surprised - he already knew that was her excuse from day one. Yet, he couldn't help but look at her with questioning eyes.

“I thought it was on reform, and that I would be staying on a couch,”

But Joo Mi wasn't paying attention to the conversation - or probably she pretended not to be.

“Lunch is ready, drop your things and let's eat.”

“The truth runs wild

Like a tear down a cheek

Trying to save face, and daddy heart break

I'm lying through my teeth”

The first spoon of bibimbap in Heung Soo's mouth gave him such a nostalgic sensation that he hadn’t felt for some time - back to those days when it was only him and Joo Mi.

She sat down next to her husband and smiled at him. He remembered that feeling - the day she told him she was going to get married, where they had lunch together just like today. He still remembered how lonely he felt that day - but that was years ago, and now it felt like a lifetime.

Now he didn't feel alone anymore. Because he knew that whatever happened, there was someone who would be waiting for him - he had no reason to feel so lonely anymore.

It was probably around Heung Soo's second plate when she served them some ginger tea, and she seemed to be staring at him before she started talking -

“Are you still talking to Jin Ah?” she suddenly questioned him, and Heung Soo frowned.

“Why are you talking about her out of nowhere?” he unconsciously held his spoon tightly, staring at her and Dennis, who unlike her seemed rather curious about her sudden question.

“Well,” she shrugged “I liked her. ”

Heung Soo opened his mouth to answer her, but Dennis laughter came first, “You shouldn't be talking about his ex, It’s awkward.”

“It's fine,” Heung Soo interrupted him, an unconsciously cold tone in his words. “I'm the one who broke up with her. It's not like I'm sad about it, it's been some time already. Still -“ he glanced at his food and back at his sister, speaking almost in a whisper, “- Still don't get why bring her up”.

“Never mind,” she didn't seem to pretend to be joking or any other excuse for her attitude, and stood up to grab the dishes.

“Do you have any plans for today?” Dennis started to speak, probably in an attempt to soften the strange mood that was left in the kitchen. But Joo Mi was pretending not to listen anymore, and Heung Soo shook his head, trying not to think about what had just happened and trying to make any excuses for her question that didn't sound as bad as her real motive probably was.

“I'm finishing adding some shelves in the baby's room. Do you think you can help me?”

“I'm screaming at me

Trying to keep faith and picture his face

Staring up at me”

In fact, the - some - should be changed to a lot. And not just that, but he ended up helping with some other renovations in the room which made Heung Soo start to feel that he could even work with that. The weather, unlike Seoul, was still a bit too hot in Busan, and the sun even stronger. He checked the time - it was past five o’clock. It should be getting dark soon. He stared at the empty street through the window, and suddenly that depressing sense of loneliness began to bloom inside him. He reached for his phone in his pocket and decided to send a message to Nam Soon.

“How are things?” He texted him as he headed to bed, lying down in that empty room. It was too hot to close the window, and he knew he should have the air conditioning, but he could see the sky from down there on the bed, and decided to keep it open as he waited for Nam Soon's reply - that didn't come, and he ended up falling asleep before he could read it.

However, no reply came on the next day, and soon he got so busy having to help with all the preparations for the baby shower that he even forgot to check his phone - and consequently had even less time to call him.

It was ten to three o'clock in the afternoon, the time when people should start arriving, but still Heung Soo didn't even ask how many would come or any details about it.

Since it was not a usual celebration here in Korea, Joo Mi had made some rice cakes and a large portion of bibimbap. Apparently the guests were supposed to give her diapers and newborn baby-clothes, but she wasn't really specific about it - in fact, it was a celebration that they were doing only because of Dennis’s father’s family, so this one would probably be more of a dinner and wishes of health for her new baby to come instead of the traditional baby showers that Americans were used to make.

It was already half past three-thirty in the afternoon when the first guests arrived - Dennis’s parents and cousins. Part of them came from America and were spending a few days in Korea to visit them. Heung Soo already knew them from the wedding, although they didn't have much talk at that time. Either way it felt like a long time ago that even if they had, he wouldn't remember pretty well.

They all went into the living room, where they were immersed in babysitting conversations and everything related to the new family member to come. Heung Soo kept quiet, barely listening to them and looking at the clock from time to time. As the minutes went by more people arrived, and it should be four-and-a-half when the last person came - a girl that he had never heard of, but who was apparently was Joo Mi’s co-worker. She made sure to call him closer to introduce her - her name was Shi-Won, or at least that’s what Heung Soo heard, and his sister made sure to tell her everything about his life and his profession - at least the parts that she thought that would fit - and highlight the fact that he lived in Seoul.

Heung Soo didn’t think much about it at first and and sat at the table when she finally started serving dinner. He didn't even notice when Joo Mi made sure to ask her to sit by his side. As they kept talking about the baby and planning the future throughout the dinner, Heung Soo still didn't realize the looks she kept sending him, and how much his sister stared at both of them, showing a discreet smile on her lips from time to time.

In fact, Heung Soo was most of the time checking the time - he had a train to pick at nine p.m., and although it was still six o'clock he was worried that he might miss it.

And probably that was the only reason why he only noticed his sister's intentions by the time everyone was starting to say goodbye. At some point at dinner, Shi Won managed to talk about her own job, and tell him how well his sister kept talking about him and that for some time she thought he was still a kid and how surprised she was to find out that they had the same age.

Heung Soo probably did notice the stares, but part of him would rather ignore them. It kept bothering a bit when Joo Mi made sure to call them into the kitchen to help with the after dinner dishes and disappeared for a few minutes, leaving only Heung Soo and Shi Won to clean it all up - though she seemed glad to be there with him.

But it was definitely by the time that she got ready to leave that Heung Soo couldn't stand it any longer. It was not only about her - but the fact that Joo Mi didn't mention Nam Soon at all to her husband, and of how much he had been controlling himself so as not to throw it all in her face.

“Did you get his kakao account? You could keep in contact, right?” Joo Mi stared from one to the other, with a smile on the corner of her lips. Shi Won seemed excited, and prompted to get her own cell phone from her pockets.

But Heung Soo didn't even bother. “You do know I'm not single right?” He said it more to Joo Mi than ti Shi Won - he was not really angry with her, since she had not idea about what was happening.

Still, she seemed embarrassed and quickly put her phone back in her purse. Heung Soo wasn't even paying attention when she left and even less when Dennis entered the room, quickly having heard everything beforehand.

“Are you seeing someone?” He asked with a smile on his face, completely unaware of what was happening. “Why didn't you tell us?”

“I told noona,” Heung Soo hissed, trying to look into her eyes but she was purposely avoiding him now, probably worried about what he might say out loud or something like that. Buy honestly, Heung Soo couldn't give a about her worries right now. “But clearly she can’t accept the fact that I’m going out with a guy, and keep pretending it’s not happening.”

“He's not serious,” she mumbled quickly, not giving Dennis any time to reply, and being careful of her choice of words, but her eyes revealed that she was indeed ashamed of it.

“I am, and you know it, even though you pretend that you don't,” Heung Soo's tone grew louder, and he ignored the fact that his sister's face began to turn red.

“You can't even tell people about it, how can you say it is serious? Don't you plan to marry, have kids? It will never happen with this kind of relationship.”

“What are you two talking about?” Dennis seemed lost, staring from one to the other, probably not really digesting what he had just heard; but Joo Mi was shaking her head, with a disappointed expression on her face.

“I will, and you will see,” Heung Soo exclaimed. “It may take years, but I'll prove you wrong.”

“All my time is wasted

Feeling like my heart's mistaken, oh

So if I'm losing a piece of me

Maybe I don't want heaven”

Heung Soo locked himself in his room as he packed everything back in his bag, his vision blurred and his breath catching in his chest. He had so much more he wished to say, and he knew he might have said it. But what was the point in saying it if the other person was not willing to listen? Right now, all he wished to do was go home to Nam Soon. It had been a while, and he should have realized it before ... That with his sister he was no longer at home.

Nam Soon had not answered him yet when Heung Soo got on the train back to Seoul, but it was only on the way back that he had the time to call him.

He answered after calling a few times, but his tone didn’t seem really happy to talk to him. Something was off, and he should have known better.

“I'm coming back. Why didn't you reply? I missed you.” Heung Soo whispered as he stared out the window at a few drops of rain that were flowing.

“At what time do you arrive?” Nam Soon’s words sounded strangely cold, but not like he was angry - honestly Heung Soo couldn't really tell.

“More forty minutes I think.” He checked the time, ignoring the fact that Nam Soon completely ignored his questions. But he didn't plan on getting into an argument right now - he really wasn’t in the mood for it.

The rain got stronger when he finally arrived at the train station in Seoul - the weather was a bit muggy, but the heavy rain would probably lower the temperature in a few minutes.

It was past midnight when he arrived at his apartment. There was no smell of food - which meant that it had been a long time since dinner had been made, and Nam Soon was in his room and didn't bother coming out into the living room when Heung Soo locked the apartment door.

He knew something had happened by then - again, he should have figured it out. But, more then that, he should have been honest from the start. The truth was that more than worrying him, he didn't want to make this offer real by telling him about it. He didn't want Nam Soon to think of it as a second chance.

Because there was no second chance. If there was one, it was the one he was actually living - here with Nam Soon.

However, if he knew that he would find out about it anyway, he would have told him about it from the start.

“Why didn't you tell me?” Nam Soon was sitting on the bed, staring at the floor between his feet, and didn't look up when Heung Soo entered the room. He barely even moved from where he was, and his words were harsher than when he talked to him on the phone. “Why didn't you tell me about you transferring to Toronto?”

“This voice inside

Has been eating at me

Trying to replace the love that I fake

With what we both need”

And my deadline is approaching and I'm starting to get desperate HAHAHA, but I managed to post another chapter! Hope you like it! And now unless something happen, the fanfic will really only have three more chapters and it will FINALLY come to an end !! O:[/CONTENTID4]