[CONTENTID1]Chapter 24[/CONTENTID1]

[CONTENTID2] Soundtrack: "The Fault in Our Stars" - Troye Sivan

[/CONTENTID2] [CONTENTID3]

"The weight

Of a simple human emotion

Weighs me down

More than the tank ever did"

Heung Soo took off the last piece of clothing from his body and stepped inside the cold shower. A strong sense of regret was taking hold of his body. Was it really remorse? His heart was pounding insanely fast. He was feeling disgusted, and probably never felt such regret before in his life. How did he allow himself to do those things he did? How could he so eagerly participate in them - how could he cross that line?

The water fell on his warm body, decreasing his temperature. His hands were shaking so badly that he had to put them on the tile in front of him to not lose his balance. He closed his eyes and the scenes from last night came rushing into his mind like a scary flashback. His legs began to feel weak and he didn't think he could stay standing any longer.

He dropped to the floor, his knees hitting the cold tiles as the water soaked his whole body. He couldn't erase the memories of what had happened - as much as he knew how wrong it was, as much as he wanted to forget, it was just impossible. And now there was no turning back.

He couldn't control his impulses and did something that he shouldn't have done. Heung Soo did things he knew he would never forget - things that he knew that would stick in his mind for as long as he would live. Every time he looked at Nam Soon he would be reminded of what they'd done because even though he was drunk, he could still feel Nam Soon's hands touching him. He could still feel his body, his warmth, his kisses. And he could still remember how it was like to touch Nam Soon - he remembered it so clearly that it was as if he were doing it right now.

And he felt like throwing up again. Maybe it was not because he was really nauseous, but because he could not accept it - every time he thought about it he panicked so badly that he couldn't even keep himself steady.

"What do I do ..." He whispered, the husky words barely leaving his throat. He felt like crying. He had never felt so bad in his entire life - maybe just on the day Nam Soon left him. Or the day he thought that he had killed that other boy. But, rather than that, the feeling now was suffocating.

And it was getting worse with every passing minute. Every time he remembered, not just Nam Soon's touches, but when he remembered himself touching Nam Soon, something would stick inside his throat. His heartbeats would increase in a way that made him feel like he was having a heart attack. He couldn't breath and he couldn't stop crying - because he did things with a guy that he could never acknowledge in his whole life.
 

"You lost a part of your existence

In the war against yourself"

Heung Soo finally came out of the shower about an hour later. His eyes were swollen and his body was still shaking - but this was probably aggravated by the cold water that was all over his body.

He quickly put on his work suit since he couldn't take any longer to get ready - he still had to work today. Even after everything, his life still had to move on and there was nothing he could do to avoid it; and picked up his suitcase from his desk, but just when he was about to reach the door, the high-pitched sound of his doorbell rang.

It couldn't be Nam Soon, he thought - he hoped it wasn't Nam Soon and he prayed it wouldn't be him. However, as soon as he saw Jin Ah staring at him from the other side of the door, it didn't make him feel any better.

Seeing her only made things worse because she reminded him so much about Nam Soon at that moment that he couldn't even breathe. The fact that she resembled Nam Soon so much was definitely not just a coincidence. If it was his subconscious that made it happen, he wasn't sure - but back then, when he missed Nam Soon to the point of desperately looking for someone like him, it was no coincidence that he met Jin Ah and ended up dating her. And knowing that now was simply impossible to bear.

He couldn't even look at her because when he did that he didn't see her, but Nam Soon. And it was then that he realized that things could no longer go on like this between them.
 

"Oh, the lights

They light up in lights of sadness

Telling you, it's time to go"

Heung Soo was late for work and rushed to his table as soon as he arrived, trying to compensate for the time lost. He wasn't feeling well enough to work today, but maybe that might help him clear his mind. Even though he honestly doubted it - nothing could keep his mind from what happened the night before.

He was surprised not to see Moo Yul in the office when he arrived and asked around for him.

"He left a few minutes ago. He ran off after receiving a phone call," his colleague sitting at two tables away explained, shrugging his shoulders. "Do you know what it could be?" He asked but Heung Soo just shook his head.

He wouldn't say, but he was pretty sure he knew what it was all about - but he would never say it out loud. It was another thing that he didn't want to think about because there was nothing more he could do to change it. It was already over, and there was no step back now.
 

"The pain

It's determined and demanding

To ache, but I'm okay"

Heung Soo went down to the coffee shop after having a quick lunch. He walked slowly, step by step, after taking some time to think about it. He stopped in front of the door, but could not get inside. He watched through the glass door and could see Nam Soon's back as he poured coffee from behind the counter. His heart began to race and he cursed himself for it - it shouldn't be like this. This shouldn't have happened - he and Nam Soon should never have happened.

Heung Soo knew that he couldn't erase what had happened, but in front of Nam Soon he could pretend it didn't. He knew he would always remember, but, what if Nam Soon thought that he didn't? If he did so, maybe, just maybe, things between them wouldn't change? Perhaps there was a tiny chance that they could continue to be friends just like before?

He didn't want to hurt Nam Soon. He didn't want to lie, but he had no other option - he already knew that he couldn't stay away from him, either. He stayed ten years away from Nam Soon and the separation was painful enough for him to be sure about that. He knew that, for him, there was no life without Nam Soon. Still, he knew that their relationship couldn't be more than just friends.

Slowly, he pushed open the door and held his breath. He had to stay calm. He had to smile and erase everything from his mind. Erase those feelings, or else... He could even lose Nam Soon forever.
 

"And I don't wanna let this go

I don't wanna lose control

I just wanna see the stars with you"

Nam Soon stared at Heung Soo as he entered the coffee shop. Heung Soo saw the blushing on his cheeks and how Nam Soon averted his eyes afterwards. Yet, he didn't speak a word when Heung Soo reached the counter. During those short seconds, Heung Soo also had no words to say. His heart was still beating fast and even though he wished to forget, the memories of last night kept coming back to his mind, more real than ever. He closed his eyes for half a second and was finally able to force a smile on his face.

He wanted it to be a true smile, but it wasn't. And he was afraid that Nam Soon might have noticed it... But what could he do?

"How are you?" Heung Soo asked, with his mouth dry, trying to sound casual, but it came out too different from what he intended - like he really wanted to know how Nam Soon was feeling about all of this. As if he wished to know the truth.

"I..." Nam Soon whispered, looking down. However, Heung Soo couldn't know. If Nam Soon said something about last night now, it would all be over. So, he interrupted Nam Soon before he could say to him anything that had no way back.

"Ahh, my head is still hurting like hell. I-I can't remember anything after I stopped by that bar..." he stumbled on his words and didn't look at Nam Soon while he said them. Taking a deep breath, he bit his lip, finally staring at the boy in front of him. Nam Soon was nodding slightly, and started to serve Heung Soo some black coffee. Heung Soo noticed that he was shaking and how he clenched his fists, trying to keep calm. And, suddenly, Heung Soo felt like crying. He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to cause him any harm.

What was Nam Soon feeling right now? Did he really like him? Was Nam Soon really in love with him? By his reaction right now, Heung Soo could say that he knew the answer.

But he really wanted it to be different. Even though he couldn't correspond, he didn't want to make Nam Soon go through all of this. However, what could he do? He didn't want things to change. He couldn't lose Nam Soon. To live a life without him again, he knew he couldn't stand it. Nam Soon was like his family now, so how could he live without him?

Nam Soon probably suspected that he was lying, but he would never say anything about it. Heung Soo knew him pretty well. Nam Soon would never mention what happened if Heung Soo kept lying.

So even if it hurt to do so, Heung Soo would have to keep lying and keep this secret until he got over his feelings - until he was sure that Nam Soon no longer thought of him that way.
 

"And I don't wanna say goodbye

Someone tell me why

I just want to see the stars with you"

Heung Soo went back to work after barely managing to finish his coffee. Nam Soon prompted to attend the other customers, and Heung Soo knew the reason why he did it - which is why he left the cafeteria as soon as possible.

He went back to work, but it was still hard to concentrate. He couldn't even think straight so how would he work like that?

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't even notice Moo Yul coming into the office. He also didn't notice his angry expression as he approached Heung Soo's desk. Moo Yul stood there for quite some time until Heung Soo finally noticed his presence and looked up to face his friend.

He had never seen him so angry like this before. It was the first time, and unfortunately he knew the reason behind it.

"Park Heung Soo, you..." He said it out loud, but looked around discreetly as soon as he realized that his tone was too loud.

He faced Heung Soo again and that angry expression was quickly replaced by one of disappointment.

"You...Did you really break up with Jin Ah?" He finally said it, still incredulous. But that wasn't really a question. He knew the answer, but he just couldn't believe it. After everything he had done...

However, Heung Soo didn't answer and looked down. He had nothing to say, and he had no excuse. It was for the best, but he could never tell the real reason for it to anyone. How could he say he broke up with his girlfriend because he couldn't stand to look at her and be reminded of Nam Soon? How could he even admit that the reason he broke up with her was because he realized that he was with her just because she was the closest to Nam Soon that he could find in those days when he didn't have him anymore? Something like this... It was just inexcusable. He could barely admit it to himself, so how could he ever say that to anyone?

Moo Yul knew that he wouldn't say a word, though. But quite honestly, he didn't need to hear his excuses. He just dropped his car keys over Heung Soo's desk, making more noise than he probably intended - or perhaps he didn't care anymore. Heung Soo looked startled at him, but still remained quiet. It was fine if Moo Yul cursed him right now - he could even yell at him, because Heung Soo knew he deserved it.

"The things you left in her house are in my car. Go get them," he said at last, turning his back on Heung Soo and returning to his place.
 

"Don't give it up just yet stay grand

For one more minute, don't give it up just yet

Stay... grand"