[CONTENTID1]Chapter 18[/CONTENTID1]

[CONTENTID2] Soundtrack: "Underneath" - Sam Tsui

[/CONTENTID2] [CONTENTID3]

"I know they've got you so afraid

You put your faith in masks you made.

Can you trust enough to peel them all away?"

It was a place he had never been before, and Nam Soon knew that there was something odd when he parked his car on that street. He found a spot a block away from where he was supposed to meet with Yoon Jae and Joon Hee, and by the time he reached it on foot and spotted both of them in the line, he kind of already knew what this place was all about.

He had already heard about this neighborhood, but never paid much attention to it. The first thing he noticed was the large amount of foreigners - more than the usual he sometimes saw walking down the streets of Seoul. But the second and most important thing he noticed was what he should have suspected from the start - that he was in the underground gay area of ​​this district. And the club where he was supposed to meet with them was that kind of club.

They waved to him from the line and Nam Soon walked towards them, avoiding to look at the guys staring at him from the line. He didn't quite know what he was feeling at the moment, but he couldn't lie and say that he was very anxious about it.

"We thought you wouldn't make it in time," they said as Yoon Jae wrapped his arms around Joon Hee's shoulders.

"This place..." Nam Soon murmured. He felt his cheeks flush and it was almost impossible to hide his discomfort.

"What?" Yoon Jae asked, like there was was nothing unusual about it. Nam Soon discreetly looked around, biting his lower lip. Yet, he didn't say anything else. "Why? Surprised that it's a lgbt club?" He laughed and Nam Soon noticed that at least Joon Hee scolded him - he pushed his arms away from his shoulders and looked at Nam Soon, trying to understand him. He knew pretty well the situation he was going through and Yoon Jae didn't need to act like that, since it wouldn't help him at all.

"Don't worry. No one will judge you here," Joon Hee assured him, but Nam Soon didn't feel any calmer about it.

"But I'm not..." he whispered. It was not like he had came out to them, though he was aware that they probably already knew about his feelings towards Heung Soo. But Nam Soon didn't accept it yet. It was just Heung Soo. Nam Soon wasn't gay, was he? Even if he was, that didn't mean he was ready for this.

"Oh please, shut up, you can lie to Heung Soo, but we're not stupid," Yoon Jae hissed annoyed.

"You shut up, can't you see he's having a hard time?" Joon Hee reprimanded him and touched Nam Soon's left shoulder. "Don't worry. It may be hard now, but it will get lighter," he winked at him and Nam Soon let out a low sigh. Would it? It might get bearable over time - just like he's been living for the past ten years, but that did not mean he'd feel any lighter. He didn't know how much longer he would be able to endure it - accepting it, and worst of all, accept his feelings towards Heung Soo.

Would he be able to get over him one day? Since, apparently, ten years weren't enough. Although when he looked around, everyone seemed happy. Here they could act as themselves, and no one seemed to judge them. Maybe coming to this place has not been such a bad idea.

"Ok," Nam Soon mumbled. "But I'm not staying for long."

"And you better not drink too," Yoon Jae smiled at him.
 

"Somewhere buried deep below

the part of you you wanna show

it's someone nobody sees."

The music was very loud near the dance floor, where some K-pop and American pop were played by the D.J. They found a place close to the bar and sat next to the wall. Luckily the music was not so loud there and they could hear each other if they needed to.

There were all sorts of people out there ranging from flamboyant men dancing all choreographies, others just sitting around the bar watching the movement, foreigners, some women, and he even spotted some straight couples lost around the rest, but they didn't seem to care - in fact they appeared to be having fun.

Yoon Jae ordered himself a dose of tequila, as Joon Hee and Nam Soon stuck to energy drinks. Nam Soon didn't plan to drink alcohol now, after what happened last time.

The drink he ordered turned out to be a bit too sweet for his taste, but he drank it anyway.

"Don't you like to dance?" Joon Hee asked, standing up.

"Not really," Nam Soon confessed. Truthfully, he didn't know. But he also didn't want to try it.

"Joon Hee dances really well," Yoon Jae stated, but Joon Hee shook his head, a little flustered. "Yeah you do. That's how I first got interested in you," he confessed and Nam Soon let a smile show up on the corner of his mouth. Was it right to envy them? Because he did, even though it was not in a bad way. It was nice to know that they were happy like that. Nam Soon never really stopped to think how it would be like if he and Heung Soo could become like them, but he didn't even want to fantasize about it, because that would only make him feel worse.

He finished his drink and set it on the counter of the bar. That was when he noticed a blond man standing next to the stairs leading to the second floor, watching him.

He was a foreign man with beautiful blue eyes, and he was staring so intensely at him that Nam Soon had to look elsewhere, feeling a bit disconcerted - which ended up being Yoon Jae who also noticed what just happened, and smirked at him in approval. But Nam Soon wasn't interested.

He couldn't. He was not ready to go that far. He accepted his feelings towards Heung Soo, because it was Heung Soo. If it was him, he could accept it, even if he felt bad about it. However with other guys he just couldn't. When he thought about it, he wasn't really disgusted - it wasn't that. He couldn't because it was wrong. Because he grew up learning that it was wrong.

When it was just Heung Soo, he could fool himself that it was just him - that he would never feel attracted to any other guy. Because there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn't deny the feelings that had been there all his life. He never looked at any man or woman because there was no room for any of them - and that's why he didn't notice it before. That's why he never thought about being gay or not.

Because it had always been just Heung Soo.
 

"Cause everything you're scared to show,

it's beautiful. But you'll never know

if you keep it locked away"

Nam Soon ordered a mineral water while Yoon Jae stood beside Joon Hee, asking him to dance a choreography of a K-pop song that was playing. Nam Soon smiled as he watched them and got his water. Suddenly, he remembered to check out his cell phone that had been forgotten in his pockets up until now.

There were two missed calls and some messages from Heung Soo.

"Where are you? Can we meet?" and another "Nam Soon? Pick up your phone, you bastard!" and the last one that was sent twenty minutes ago, "Remind me, why do you have a cell phone? Since when are you asleep??"

Nam Soon couldn't control his laughter over Heung Soo's impatience and prompted to answer him, but then he reminded himself that he couldn't just openly tell him where he was right now. He had to come up with an excuse.

"Had a work party, sorry," he wrote to Heung Soo and surprisingly an answer came right away - as if he were waiting for him.

"What? You didn't mention it before."

"I forgot. Are you at home? How was today?" Nam Soon struggled with himself whether or not he should question him about it, but ended up asking - even without mentioning Jin Ah's name.

"Fine. Jin Ah was mad but we're okay now and went to the movies. I'm at her house now, since you didn't answer my calls I came here instead."

All the joy that Nam Soon felt in his heart as he spoke to Heung Soo plummeted as he read his message. Heung Soo was with her. He knew it was wrong to wish they had broken up but he couldn't help it ... He was indeed a terrible friend.

Another message came before he could write him back and Nam Soon was glad for it since he did not know how to answer his previous message.

"Moo Yul is making lunch for us tomorrow, we're both going. Wanna come?"

Nam Soon re-read those words, but he already knew the answer without having to stop to reflect - no, he didn't want to go. He didn't want to see him with Jin Ah exchanging caresses. Not anymore. That's why he was willing to make up any excuse not to have to go through it again.

"Can't. I agreed to meet with some friends from work at the movies," he lied. He would spend his Sunday sleeping, but it was better than having his heart broken even more.

"Girls?" Heung Soo wrote to him and Nam Soon felt like cursing him. Heung Soo was so stupid... but Nam Soon could be even more.

He put his phone back into his pockets and suddenly his bed was all he wanted right now.

"Are you okay?" Joon Hee sat down beside him, a bit worried. But Nam Soon sent him a fake smile. "Heung Soo?" he asked, already knowing the answer. Nam Soon thought about denying it, but ended up nodding his head in agreement.

"Come on," Yoon Jae put his hand on his shoulder, "Let's have some fun and help you forget it," he said, guiding him to the dance floor.

Dancing actually turned out to be a bit of fun, even if Nam Soon didn't even know what he was doing. But it didn't make him forget. If someone had a secret spell to help him forget him, he would gladly take it.
 

"Everyday the same routine

of hiding what you really mean

behind the things they wanna hear."

They had just sat at the dinner table in Moo Yul's apartment. He was finishing serving the Japchae¹ and Jin Ah was beside Heung Soo, telling him for the tenth time how long she had waited for him that night, but that Heung Soo simply didn't show up.

"When he's with Nam Soon he forgets about life," she said and Moo Yul laughed. Heung Soo though wasn't really that entertained.

"It's not like that," he tried to defend himself. "I was tired and fell asleep, that's all."

"Jin Ah, next time this happens, you can call me and I'll take you out," Moo Yul said as he sat at the table with them.

The smell of the food was good and Heung Soo wanted to start eating as fast as possible so they could forget about this subject that had not changed since they arrived. But it was not just that - he was indeed really hungry. He wished Nam Soon was there so he could taste it, because he knew the other would certainly like it.

"You should call us to eat this some other time," Heung Soo said as he swallowed a spoonful of noodles. "Next time with Nam Soon, I'm sure he will like it."

Moo Yul glanced strangely at him for some seconds but then he smiled with the corner of his lips.

"Sure. I didn't know he was busy or I could have made this for dinner," he said.

"Yeah he didn't tell me either," Heung Soo mumbled.

"Well I'm glad. You give so much more attention to him when you two are together that I feel left out," Jin Ah complained, and Heung Soo just laughed, shaking his head.

"No, I don't," he exclaimed. Jin Ah was still thinking that he forgot about her because of Nam Soon... But it wasn't that. "I said it was not because of him. It was me that was too tired," he repeated, but Jin Ah would not believe it. He never forgot about their dates before - this was the first time he'd done anything of the sort.
 

"But you know better

And you can't let your little room

be where you always stay"

Jin Ah had chosen the movie for them to watch after lunch. It was her kind of movie - the ones Nam Soon would hate and probably sleep in the first twenty minutes.

Heung Soo smiled automatically at that thought, but when he realized that he was smiling alone and that it was not even a funny part of the movie, he was glad that both Jin Ah and Moo Yul were too entertained with it to notice him.

But Heung Soo felt as bored as Nam Soon would be. Nam Soon was right - this time back with him was enough for him to remember the kind of movie that he used to like.

Suddenly he couldn't wait for the movie to end. He wondered if Nam Soon was already back in his apartment - he would see him after that and they could do something cooler.

Sighing, he looked at his wristwatch, hoping the minutes would pass faster. He thought today would be more fun, but without Nam Soon it ended up being just boring. The food was good, but he wished Nam Soon had tasted it since it reminded him of the dishes his mom used to cook for them when they were younger.

Heung Soo sighed again and leaned his back against the sofa, wishing he could complain about the movie just like he would do if Nam Soon had chosen it. But with Jin Ah it was different, so he had to wait - perhaps he and Nam Soon would watch Star Wars again tonight, he thought.
 

"So you're scared of your scars,

but you're perfect, as you are.

You know better."

Nam Soon had just finished his bath and put on her sleepwear. His Sunday wasn't really that productive but he did not regret not having gone to Moo Yul's lunch. Staying away from Heung Soo with Jin Ah was the best he could do for his heart now.

He headed to his room with his notebook to watch a new series on netflix, when he heard his cell phone beeping with a new message - it was from Heung Soo.

"Are you home? Can I come over?" It was past six o'clock in the afternoon, but Nam Soon thought Heung Soo would stay in Jin Ah's apartment until the next day, since she and Moo Yul lived in the same building - so it was really a surprise that Heung Soo was sending him this message now.

"Yes," he replied briefly and Heung Soo didn't write him back. He wondered if he was really coming, but after thirty minutes his intercom rang, announcing that Heung Soo had just arrived.

"I thought you were going to sleep at Jin Ah's today," Nam Soon mumbled as he closed the front door. Heung Soo just shrugged and sat down on the couch.

"No, I was too bored. Wanna watch something?" Heung Soo asked and it was impossible for Nam Soo to control the little smile at the corner of his lips. He knew it shouldn't mean much, but the thought that Heung Soo prefered to come see him instead of staying with his girlfriend tonight made him a bit happy, but just for this one brief moment.

"There's a new series on Netflix," Nam Soon said, coming from his bedroom with his notebook in hands.

"Nice," Heung Soo smiled and stared at Nam Soon as he placed his notebook over the coffee table. "How was today?" Heung Soo asked and it took Nam Soon quite some time to remember that Heung Soo was talking about his supposed meeting with his co-workers. He just shrugged, trying to sound disinterested.

"Fine," he whispered, wishing Heung Soo wouldn't ask too many questions, "And at Moo Yul's? How was the food?" He asked, hoping that would be enough to change the subject.

"The food was great. Your lost," he answered, putting his feet over the coffee table - oh how he was getting used to doing it - "But he'll probably do it again, you should go next time."

Nam Soon didn't answer though and just started the episode. He didn't want to think about the next time. He didn't want to think about other days where he would have to go out with Heung Soo and his girlfriend in the future. 
 

"Underneath, all the faces that you wear,

I know someone's hiding there.

Cause the you I wanna see, is underneath, underneath."

"I'm bored," Heung Soo complained after twenty minutes into the episode. Nam Soon sighed, leaning his head against the sofa.

"Me too. I thought it would be good but nothing happened so far," Nam Soon whispered as Heung Soo folded his arms.

"Shall we eat something? Pizza?" Heung Soo asked staring at him, but Nam Soon didn't return his gaze.

"Again?" He mumbled briefly, uninterested. "Whatever ..." He muttered and Heung Soo frowned, still looking at the younger boy.

"So, ramen? I can make some," he said, but contrary to what he expected, Nam Soon didn't look that amused by the thought of it.

"Anything will do ..." Nam Soon just sighed and Heung Soo frowned even more. It was the first time he saw Nam Soon not that interested in ramen.

"Anything will do? Are you okay? Are you feeling sick?" He joked, placing his hand over Nam Soon's forehead and pretending to be measuring his temperature, but Nam Soon pushed him away, faking a smile as his cheeks began to flush.

"Yah, I'm okay, ramen will do," he stood up fast leaving a laughing Heung Soo following behind him.

Yet, he didn't really buy that smile. Nam Soon had been a little weird since he arrived, and he couldn't help wondering if anything had happened today. However, he might just be a bit tired - nothing to worry about. Either way, just this short time with Nam Soon had been a lot more fun than lunch, even though the movie ended up being a bit boring. 
 

"You keep the words you wish you've said

inside a box beneath your bed

like maybe that'll make them disappear"

Heung Soo went to the front of the coffee shop when his work shift ended to pick Nam Soon up for them to go out and do something fun for the rest of the day, however he couldn't see the boy inside it anymore.

One of Nam Soon's co-workers that he still hadn't met yet was cleaning one of the tables and prompted to serve him when he entered.

"Nam Soon has left already?" Heung Soo asked and the man just confirmed with a nod of his head.

"He left with another guy some minutes ago," he said disinterestedly, going back to clearing the table.

"Someone from here?" Heung Soo questioned, wondering if they were the same people with whom he left on Sunday, but the man denied it with his hands.

"I've never seen him before," he answered with a shrug.

Heung Soo didn't say anything more and left, wondering with whom Nam Soon had left with. He couldn't help feeling bad about it. Why did he feel like he was being left out recently? Nam Soon didn't call him nor leave him a message. Was he mad about something?

He cooked some rice for dinner and sat on his bed with his notebook on his lap to watch a movie. Without realizing how it happened, he was already eating alone, watching Star Wars. He thought about what Nam Soon would be doing and checked his cell phone, wondering if Nam Soon had sent him any messages, but there was nothing. And for some reason he felt alone.

Instead of calling Jin Ah at a time like this, he called Nam Soon without even thinking twice. Though he should have known that Nam Soon wouldn't pick up his call, since lately he never did.

Was Nam Soon avoiding him for some reason? But why didn't he say anything? He thought that Nam Soon would no longer hide things from him. He couldn't still be mad because he hadn't told him about Jin Ah, could he?

"Where are you?" he wrote him. He thought about using his usual swearing, but this time he didn't feel like it. Because this time, for some reason, he was feeling a little down.
 

"What's the point of living underground?

You know that's not a life at all"

Nam Soon was in another bar in Itaewon with Yoon Jae and Joon Hee. It was not a club this time since it was Monday , so they opted for a bar with a quieter atmosphere. It was still for this alternative public, but the music was low and the people stayed there with their friends, talking to each other at their tables.

It was a simpler place but Nam Soon liked it. This time he risked taking some alcohol, but promised himself he would not drink too much. He got a ride with Yoon Jae so he could drink a bit since he wouldn't have to drive.

The soju finished and Nam Soon went to the bar to order them some fries and two more bottles of soju for him and Joon Hee when someone approached him at his side. And he was surprised to see that it was the same blond foreigner from Saturday.

"I've seen you before," the blonde commented in a funny accent. "Do you come to this region often?"

Nam Soon felt his cheeks blush with the unexpected attention.

"Not really..." he whispered in response as the guy received a dose of tequila from the bartender. "Just recently," he corrected himself, suddenly staring at him.

The man smiled and winked discreetly at him with his right blue eye.

"Well, I'll see you around," he said, smiling and headed back to the table he was at with his friends. Nam Soon watched him until the bartender arrived with the soju and fries. He was speaking in English with his others foreign friends and Nam Soon couldn't help but to get a little bit curious about him.

However he just returned to the table with Yoon Jae and Joon Hee and avoided thinking much more about it.

They left shortly after finishing the fries and drinks, since they all had to work the next day.

Nam Soon remembered about checking his cell phone when he was heading to bed, though remembered it wasn't quite the right word. In fact, he was avoiding looking at his phone, afraid to see a message or phone call from Heung Soo and spend all his time with his friends only thinking about him.

And there was indeed a message from him. He had sent it two hours ago and surprisingly it was just one message this time.

"Sorry, I went out with co-workers," Nam Soon lied again.

And when Heung Soo read his answer, he knew right away that Nam Soon had been lying to him.
 

"But I know better.

And I can't let your little room

be where you always stay."

Heung Soo was glad that Nam Soon was still there when he came to pick him up at the end of his shift the next day. He smiled at him when Nam Soon walked out the door, and Nam Soon smiled back. But he couldn't help but wonder what lay behind that strange smile that Nam Soon gave him. He didn't bring up the subject of last night and neither did Nam Soon. However he wondered if he should question him about it, but at the same time he didn't know why he was so apprehensive.

Either way, he ended up not bringing up the subject. They just cooked some soup with rice for dinner, talked and laughed so much through all of it that Heung Soo almost forgot about it. But he couldn't ignore the bad feeling inside his heart that insisted on remaining there. He knew that Nam Soon was hiding something from him and he needed to know why. Even though the younger boy was laughing a lot today, there was something in his eyes, something in his smile that was odd. And every time he had to fight the urge not to question him. But should he have asked? Or should he wait for Nam Soon to finally tell him about it? He couldn't understand why and what Nam Soon would be hiding from him.

It was past eleven o'clock, and Heung Soo was lying on the bed reading an old manga that he had taken from Nam Soon's box while the younger boy showered. He was too lazy to go home so he decided to sleep at Nam Soon's apartment tonight.

When Nam Soon's phone rang on the nightstand beside the bed, Heung Soo didn't pick it up on purpose. It was more of an automatic response than anything else.

But when he read the message, he wouldn't lie and say it was automatic. Since he was worried about him, he read it. Since he didn't want him to keep hiding things from him, he read it.
 

"You dig a hole to hide your heart

Until every piece of who you are.

It's all but lost beneath your feet."

Heung Soo was back to reading his manga when Nam Soon came out of the bathroom, so the younger boy wasn't expecting anything, much less that question he asked.

"Yoon Jae... Who is he?" Heung Soo asked, pretending that he wasn't that curious. But Nam Soon couldn't hold the look of surprise on his face when he heard him.
 

"Underneath, all the secrets that you keep,

and the smile I don't believe

is the you I wanna see, underneath."