[CONTENTID1]Chapter 19[/CONTENTID1]

[CONTENTID2] Soundtrack: "Safe" - Britt Nicole

[/CONTENTID2] [CONTENTID3]

"Can't you see I'm hanging by a thread?

To my life, what I know, yeah I'm losing control"

Nam Soon stood still, trying to process Heung Soo's question.

"Who?" he asked, without thinking. Why was Heung Soo asking him this? How did he know about Yoon Jae? He wasn't supposed to know - Heung Soo should never have discovered about him.

"Yoon Jae. He just sent you a message," Heung Soo said, trying to sound uninterested. But the truth was that he wasn't expecting Nam Soon to be so surprised - why did he have the feeling that this was something that he wasn't supposed to know? Why did Nam Soon look so tense when he heard him?

"Oh..." Nam Soon mumbled, sitting on the bed and wiping his damp hair with a green towel. "Just someone I know," he answered, purposely avoiding Heung Soo's gaze. He tried his best to keep his expression blank, while on the inside he felt like he had just been discovered. He felt exposed, like never before. Only the possibility of Heung Soo finding out about him was terrifying. He couldn't let him find out. If Heung Soo found out, things would probably be over between them - that's why he could never let that happen.

Heung Soo remained quiet, waiting for a proper answer that never came, an answer that would never come. Nam Soon finally stared at him and then at the manga that Heung Soo was reading earlier.

"What are you reading?" he asked, obviously trying to change the subject, which didn't go unnoticed by Heung Soo.

He didn't understand. Why was Nam Soon hiding this from him? Why wouldn't he tell him? Was there something about this person that Heung Soo wasn't supposed to know, or was this just something from his head? But he doubted that it was. He knew Nam Soon. They had been years apart, but that didn't change - he could tell. He could see that something in Nam Soon was not the usual. Nam Soon had been avoiding him. He lied to him, and now he was hiding things from him.

But why? And why did that make him feel so sad? Why was there a sense of emptiness inside him that wouldn't go away?

"You keep trying to get inside my head

While I keep trying to lose the words you said"

His co-workers were unusually loudly when Heung Soo arrived. Apparently, everyone was talking about what Heung Soo would later find out to be a karaoke party on Saturday.

"Are you going?" Moo Yul asked as he sat down in front of his desk, holding a black coffee in his hands.

Heung Soo picked up his cell phone and stared at it as he thought for a moment, wondering if Nam Soon would go if he invited him.

"Perhaps..." he just mumbled while he wrote a message to the younger boy.

"Going to a karaoke on saturday. Wanna go?" He sent him, but wasn't expecting an answer soon. Nam Soon would probably see it but he knew how busy it was down there in the mornings. He could wait until lunch time to ask him in person.

As soon as Heung Soo took a break from his morning shift, he went down to the comfy coffee shop. Nam Soon was standing behind the counter serving a client. Since it was almost lunchtime, the movement had subsided a bit. The younger boy watched him approach and smiled at him - Nam Soon had a beautiful smile. A wide smile that would make anyone around him feel a little warmer inside. At least that's what Heung Soo thought as he stood in front of him.

"Received my message?" He asked, resting his arms over the counter.

"Yes. But I can't go on Saturday," Nam Soon said, suddenly reminding Heung Soo about the message he read on Nam Soon's cell phone the day before - "Got tickets for the Glow Party at Soho on Saturday!" - Heung Soo had focused more on the person and less on what it said at the moment, that's why he suddenly forgot about it.

"Going out?" He asked even though he already knew the answer. He was wondering if Nam Soon would tell him about it, but he didn't.

"Black coffee?" The boy offered, ignoring his question. Heung Soo didn't smile this time. He nodded with his head, just accepting it.

"I'm so tired of turning and running away

When love just isn't safe"

It was late Saturday afternoon. Heung Soo was already ready to leave, but ever since Nam Soon told him he couldn't go along, Heung Soo wasn't really looking forward to this party. He knew that Moo Yul had already invited Jin Ah, and at this point she was probably ready to go out, but still he didn't feel like it.

He picked up his cellphone, wondering if he had gotten any messages from Nam Soon, but as it always had been lately, there was nothing.

"Are you out already?" he wrote to Nam Soon, but he still did not know why he insisted on it, since he was getting used to being ignored recently.

He really didn't feel like going out with all of his co-workers tonight. So after making up his mind that he should not go, he called Jin Ah who picked up her phone right away.

"Are you ready?" he asked her. He knew she would be, but he at least could hope for a different answer.

"Yes, are you coming to pick me up?" she asked and Heung Soo sighed. He could try to change their plans, at least. Maybe having dinner with her wouldn't take that long. Yes, that would probably be better.

"Do you want to go have dinner somewhere instead? I don't feel like going out with them today," he suggested, and Jin Ah got quiet for a few seconds.

"Why?" she simply asked.

"Just the two of us will be better, don't you think?" he insisted and heard her sigh on the other end of the line.

"Well, okay. Are you coming now?"

Heung Soo smiled, relieved.

"Heading out in a few minutes," he answered and hung up the call.

He wasn't in the mood, but it was indeed a better option than going out all night. Being with his friends and co-workers would make him think too much about Nam Soon, while staying only with Jin Ah would probably keep his mind off him for a while.

He checked his phone once more, but there was no sign of Nam Soon. Why was he acting like this recently? He thought things were finally better between them, so he didn't know how to deal with it now. Nam Soon never hid things from him. Before, he only did it once and it was when Nam Soon didn't want to tell him that he was sad that Heung Soo was going to Seoul. But now there was nothing like that. There was nothing he needed to hide from him. Then why?

However, before he left to pick her up, he switched on his notebook. He was not trying to stalk Nam Soon - it wasn't that. He was just worried, that was all. So his only reason to look over the bar where Nam Soon was at, was because he was feeling bad about all this and wanted to understand him better. Just in case he needed to see Nam Soon, he thought there was nothing wrong with just jotting down the address of the place he had gone.

So when he clicked on the first link about the bar that Nam Soon was supposed to be going out to, his mind just went blank. He wrote it down on his phone and ignored everything else. He ignored everything about the bar's description. Maybe that wasn't even the correct name. He only saw the name briefly, so he could have made a mistake. Yet, he still wrote it down.

And even though he tried to ignore it and not think too much about what he had just read, it was hard to ignore the small question in his mind which made him wonder if that was what Nam Soo had been so strongly hiding from him.

"It's taken so long,

so long to finally see that

Your love is worth the risk"

They went to a japanese restaurant this time. It had been a long time since she had asked him to go to one, even though it wasn't his favorite type of food. She didn't look quite happy when they met, so this was the best way he found to make her happier. And apparently it was enough, since she got all talkative again.

It was a very traditional restaurant, just like the ones she liked the most. They were already finishing the sushi boat that Heung Soo had ordered, and up until this moment, she was practically the only one talking, as Heung Soo limited himself to answer her and laugh at the proper moments. Only part of him was paying attention to her - the other part was still ruminating on what he had just read on the internet about the bar where Nam Soon had probably gone tonight.

Was that information right? He thought he might just be overthinking, but still somewhere inside him, that finding did not seem so impossible. If that part of him was right, what was he supposed to do? Or would it be too much, follow him this way?

Yet, Nam Soon was his friend. If that were the truth, shouldn't he go after him? He wanted to get things clear, and talk to him. And even if it wasn't that, he was sure that something was going on, so wasn't it better to finally question him about his reasons? He just couldn't let it go on like this. Slowly, he was starting to miss Nam Soon again. They were getting so close, so why did it feel like they were falling apart again?

"Heung Soo, you were too quiet today," Jin Ah complained inside the car as he drove her back home.

"Sorry, there's just too much on my mind lately," he explained, parking his car in front of her building. She pouted her lips, just like Nam Soon used to do. Though, it wasn't really the same.

"Are you not going up with me?" She complained, still with that cute expression she made before. Heung Soo looked at his wristwatch, and it was past eleven o'clock. Dinner ended up taking longer than he had planned, and right now he didn't feel like staying. He was not in the mood for it.

"I'll stay some other day, I'm tired," he whispered. She didn't respond and got closer to him, pressing her lips against his, but Heung Soo badly responded. He knew she was trying to lure him to go in, but he really couldn't stop thinking about Nam Soon.

He thought that staying with only her tonight would help him keep his mind elsewhere, but apparently it turned out to be even worse than if they had gone to the karaoke - at least there Jin Ah would have other people besides him to talk to.

"We'll talk later, okay?" He smiled, but she didn't smile back and just sighed, closing the door after wishing him a good night. Heung Soo waited until she was inside the building, and took his phone out from his pocket for the first time since they left. He knew she got mad when he spent a long time on his cell phone while she was with him, so he avoided it.

But still, there was nothing from Nam Soon. He tried to call him, but it kept ringing with no answer. He knew that if Nam Soon was indeed at a party he would probably not pick it up. However, he could at least have written him back.

So now that he was finally alone ... What should he do?

"I've already fallen from that hill

So I'm dropping my guard,

here's your chance in my heart"

Nam Soon didn't know how much he had already drunk. The song was pretty loud on the dance floor, and surprisingly he was dancing without feeling ashamed this time around. It was probably the result of the alcohol, but he wasn't drunk to the point of throwing up like the other time.

Joon Hee had finally given up on pretending he didn't know how to dance, and was doing really impressive moves on the dance floor. Nam Soon smiled as he watched Yoon Jae touch Joon Hee's face tenderly and pressing their lips together.

For some reason, it was already perfectly normal for him to watch the two of them and even any other couple together. Although part of him felt torn up because it made him think about Heung Soo, the other part felt somewhat relieved. Relieved to notice that the strangeness that had been planted in him since he found out about himself was finally going away. Somehow, he felt good - good to see that he was not the freak he thought he was.

He went to the bar to get one more drink and also to let the two of them alone for a while. He ordered only a bottle of beer, since he did not want to drink anything stronger to avoid repeating the embarrassment of the other time - and in addition, he still had to drive home.

Nam Soon didn't really see when he sat down next to him. He didn't even notice if he had been there before or arrived after him, but suddenly his eyes met the blue ones at his side. And for some reason, Nam Soon smiled at him.

"Are you following me?" Nam Soon smirked, noticing the result of the alcohol as his inhibition totally wasn't there anymore. The guy laughed beside him, with a glass of whisky in his hands.

"I was going to ask you the same thing," he exclaimed, his voice loud enough to be heard, and Nam Soon smiled as he accepted his beer from the bartender. He didn't say anything and kept staring at those blue eyes. And he didn't even notice that they were closer than where they were supposed to be.

However, Nam Soon didn't back down or walk away, and when he felt his pink lips on his, Nam Soon only closed his eyes. His heart started beating like crazy, but not because he had feelings for him, but because he was really kissing him back and it actually felt good. Unlike what he first thought it would be, it wasn't disgusting at all.

In the end, kissing another guy was not that different than kissing a girl. In fact, it felt even better this time since he was kissing someone because he wanted to, and not because he was supposed to.

Because at last it felt okay to be doing it. It didn't feel wrong. He finally felt free, as if something inside him had finally opened up to accept himself. Those barriers inside him were finally breaking down. The walls he had created inside himself, he was finally able to find his way out.

Because he could finally accept himself.

"I'm strong enough I've always told myself

I never wanna need somebody else"

Heung Soo went home after dropping Jin Ah off, but as he feared, it was simply impossible to stay there. He could not stop checking his phone every minute, and to make matters worse, Nam Soon did not answer or respond to his messages.

He knew he could end up looking desperate, but he couldn't help it anymore. He was tired, and wanted Nam Soon to be home with him. He couldn't handle Nam Soon insisting on hiding this from him, whatever it was. That's why Heung Soo ended up going after Nam Soon - to the address he had written down.

It was almost three o'clock in the morning. The street was still full of people since, apparently, there were lots of similar bars around this one. Was this really the right place? He could see the name Soho written across the bar, and hear the loud music coming from the inside. There were people standing around it. Some were drinking, some were smoking, and he even saw some couples around the area. He tried not to look and not to think about it - he wouldn't overthink about something that he was not even sure about.

But now that he was here, what was he supposed to do? He wouldn't just go inside... what if Nam Soon was already home at this point? He tried calling him once more, but Nam Soon still wasn't answering.

In the end, it was a stupid decision to go there in the first place. He put his cell phone back inside his pocket and headed back to his car. It would be better to go home, and forget about all of this. After all, wasn't he making a fuss over a small thing anyway?

However, as he turned toward his car, he heard a laugh that was too familiar not to recognize. So when he looked back, there was Nam Soon, coming out of the bar next to two men he did not know.

"Everything you want, but it's everything you need

It's not always happy endings, but it's all the in-betweens"

"Nam Soon got himself a good looking one," Yoon Jae laughed as they left the bar. Nam Soon felt his ears getting hot after hearing his comment.

"What's his name?" Joon Hee asked, and this time Nam Soon felt his face blush.

"Uh... Harry¹? I think it was his name..." He whispered. In fact, he had not even asked. And he didn't give his name either. Even though this was an important step in his life, he didn't think he wanted to go out with him again. He knew that his love was sad and already hopeless, but still he didn't want to see someone else just yet. He felt happy to finally accept himself, but that didn't mean that he wanted to start dating someone else. One day, he knew he would. But he believed that he would know the right time for it, and this certainly wasn't it. Right now, as stupid as it sounded, he wanted no one but Heung Soo. For now, in his mind, Heung Soo was still the only one.

Yoon Jae was laughing at his side, and he laughed back at him. Either way, he was feeling happy. This probably had something to do with the alcohol, but it didn't really matter.

He distractedly put his hands in his pockets and took out his car keys. But he could not tell exactly at what time did he look forward - when his heart stopped and his whole world collapsed beneath him.

"Oh, no, my walls are gonna break

So close, it's more than I can take"

"Nam Soon?" Yoon Jae called him at his side, noticing that the boy had stopped halfway and was looking forward.

But Nam Soon didn't hear him. Right now, he couldn't see anyone around him other than Heung Soo, who was staring at him from across the street.

And then his lungs filled with air, and his heart raced wildly as Nam Soon digested the truth - that Heung Soo had found out about him.

What would he do now?

Nam Soon wasn't ready. What if Heung Soo didn't want to talk to him anymore... what if... what if he lost him? Heung Soo wasn't supposed to know. Heung Soo couldn't know.

What should he do now?

"You're not safe, and that's okay"