[CONTENTID1]Chapter 32[/CONTENTID1]

[CONTENTID2] Soundtrack: "Breathless" - Alex Goot

[/CONTENTID2] [CONTENTID3]

"Times have changed and now

I don’t even know myself

Do I even want to?"

Heung Soo rolled in bed one more time during that night. He couldn't sleep because he couldn't stop thinking about what just happened, and he was sure that it would be impossible to erase that from his memory - to erase the feeling of those pouty lips and the scent of Nam Soon's shampoo... He knew his heart race probably wouldn't go back to the usual rhythm so soon.

He couldn't stop wondering if he did the right thing by remaining there without any response... But he was not sure how he should respond, what should he say or do... He was lost.

He covered himself with the blanket over his head anxiously, and that was when he remembered that the younger had left with only his pillow. Nam Soon didn't have anything to cover himself in this cold night - even though it was already spring, the temperature would decrease at night. And after what happened, he probably wouldn't come back to the room even if he was feeling cold.

However when Heung Soo got to the living room with a blanket in hands, Nam Soon was already in deep sleep. He was holding tight to his pillow, probably indeed feeling cold. Heung Soo delicately covered the other, that mumbled something really low that he didn't understand. He thought for a brief second that Nam Soon had woke up, but he just rolled to the other side, still with his eyes closed and breathing slowly.

After what just happened... Would they be okay? Would Nam Soon want to leave early? He hoped not. Nam Soon couldn't leave. Not now, not after that... Not ever. After these brief times living together... slowly, Heung Soo started to get used to having him around. More than that, actually, he didn't think he could ever live without him anymore.

"Hopefully you’ll be fine

without me by your side

Hopefully I will too"

It had already dawned when Nam Soon woke up on the next day. For a brief second he was surprised to see himself back on the living room, but that was only until he remembered of the night before and what he had done.

He sighed, rubbing his face and regretting everything. Why had he done it? When everything was finally getting better between them, he had to go and ruin everything again.

The light of the bedroom was already , and he stood up wondering if he should go back there. However he could hear the sound of the water falling against the tile, what meant Heung Soo was probably taking a bath. He opened the door of the room slowly, and suddenly the sound of the water was gone.

He waited sitting over the bed until the door opened after some minutes and Heung Soo went out of it, wearing only his jeans with his hair still wet. They looked at each other briefly, and Nam Soon had a lot he wanted to say, a lot he wanted to ask, but he didn't have the courage for that. He couldn't say a thing, neither wish him a happy birthday. Should he just pretend anything happened again? He wasn't sure he wanted it. So he just bit his lips and went to the bathroom to take a bath.

Heung Soo stood there for some seconds without knowing what to say, and part of him wishing Nam Soon wouldn't mention what happened. But at the same time, he wasn't even sure if he really didn't want him to bring the subject. He sighed, and just went back to the kitchen after putting on a white t-shirt he quickly got from the closet.

He put some rice in the cooker as he waited for Nam Soon to come from the bathroom. He was not sure what time Moo Yul would be coming today, but he guessed it should be at the end of the afternoon. Yet, this was probably a really bad time for him to be coming.

The rice was nearly ready when Nam Soon came inside the kitchen, and Heung Soo had already served himself with a full bowl.

They ate in silence, and neither of them risked starting conversation. Nam Soon wanted to look up at him, stare into his eyes and try to get a glimpse of what Heung Soo could be thinking, but he couldn't. He was afraid... He didn't want to have the same conversation they had the other day, he didn't want to have his heart broken again, but most important than that, Nam Soon didn't wanna risk to lose everything again. However, would he even be capable of not talking about it? How longer would he be able to remain silent about everything?

That's why he couldn't look up, and they finished eating in silence. That's why Nam Soon simply went on to wash the dishes without saying a thing - because he knew he wouldn't be able to keep quiet if he stared at Heung Soo right now. Because he was afraid to say something he would regret, because he was near his limit, and knew that sooner or later he would end up ruining everything even more, he intended to just wash the dishes quietly and stay away from Heung Soo until Moo Yul arrived.

But he was barely managing to stand everything. He was anxious since he couldn't stop thinking about the kiss they shared last night, and because he could barely manage to stay in the same room as Heung Soo without wanting to kiss him again. That's why, was it by anxiety or nervousness - he didn't know, but he accidentally dropped one of the bowls, that fell over the sink and parted into two pieces.

Heung Soo instinctively rushed to the younger to see if he was okay, but before he could even touch his hands he stopped in his way startled.

However, it was too late now - Nam Soon already reached out to his wrist before he could pull away, and finally stared into his eyes. And that was when Nam Soon knew that there was no way back from there.

"Make a note to say ‘it’s not over til it’s gone’

Is there time for you and me?"

"Heung Soo-ya..." Nam Soon whispered, staring into his eyes. But the other man avoided his stare and showed an awkward smile on his lips as he looked down.

"You are not hurt, are you?" He asked, but Nam Soon couldn't take this any longer. He couldn't deal with the dissemble look, and hidden feelings. Heung Soo really wasn't feeling the same? He really felt nothing like this for him? As much as he wanted to forget, the words Heung Soo had messaged him days ago were still in his mind. Even if he couldn't talk about it and everything ended up like that... Nam Soon couldn't forget. And the tiny hope that appeared when he read those words was still hidden somewhere inside him.

So, how could it all go away like that? Unless Heung Soo truly said with his own words... It probably would never fade away.

"Heung Soo-ya..." Nam Soon called again, louder this time. He saw as Heung Soo bit his lips in apprehension, and he knew he wanted to avoid this conversation. But Nam Soon needed it. After the kiss... If only Heung Soo had said something, if he had pushed him away and told him he didn't feel the same. But Heung Soo absence about being open with his feelings was making everything much harder - to stay at the edge of hope and hopelessness... Nam Soon just couldn't continue like this.

"I'm sorry... But I can't keep going on like this," he whispered, and Heung Soo slowly closed his eyes, a sigh leaving his lips as he probably realized he couldn't run away from it anymore, as much as he wanted it.

"I know I said to forget... But as it seems I can't pretend nothing happened. Not when I see your face everyday... Not like this..." He continued, letting go of Heung Soo's wrists, but still staring into his eyes. Heung Soo hadn't look back even once, and remained looking at the sink in front of him. He wanted to look up, he wanted to face Nam Soon and finally admit everything he had been feeling.... But how could he? He thought everything was good as it was... So why couldn't it remain like this?

But it was too late now. To remain like it was... Maybe it was impossible now. Maybe...

"I like you... No... I love you, Park Heung Soo. That's why I just can't go on like this. I can't pretend nothing happened, and I can't stay by your side without knowing what you feel about it. It's not like..." Nam Soon bit his lips, probably conscious that he had spoken too much. That he shouldn't have said those things. "It's not like I'm saying this out of nowhere. You know how I felt... And I.... I know you did feel something that night. Even if it's not what I felt... I just need to know..."

Heung Soo just listened in silence and no words would come from his lips. He never expected those words from Nam Soon. He knew about his feelings, but hearing it was completely different. And, as he finally had the courage to stare back to the younger... He knew that his feelings were not what he wanted them to be. He knew that the urge to finally touch those lips in front of him and send away all his worries were not just because of attraction... He knew, because of his heart racing and the butterflies in his stomach... However, that didn't fade away the big part of the worries inside his head. That didn't erase that internalized homophobia that was planted inside him. And that was why he couldn't accept his feelings as easy as this. That didn't change the fact that, if they started something more, everything would be different. That he would have to deal with things in his life that he probably would never be ready to deal with. That them, together, would have to go through so many hardships that he was afraid it wouldn’t last. That eventually all of this could break them apart.

As Heung Soo stared back at the ground, Nam Soon couldn't help a sigh from escaping his lips. He couldn't hide his eyes that started to get tearful... Because as quickly as that, he was losing another kind of hope - the hope that Heung Soo would one day be able to be honest with him.

"Can't we..." Heung Soo whispered, trying to fight the unwanted feelings inside him screaming don't. He knew already that it was too late for that, and also that those words would probably hurt Nam Soon more than they should. But, perhaps, those were the only words that he had the courage to say right now. "...Can't we just remain being friends? Just like before..." Heung Soo said, and he couldn't look up. If he did, it was over. If he did, he would end up crying, and then what would happen?

But Nam Soon didn't need to listen to anything else. He got it. Finally, he understood - that Heung Soo and him would never be able to stay together. That this was just a small hope he had on that one night that would never truly happen. It wasn't supposed to be - and it never was.

"...Sure." Nam Soon whispered, slowly shaking his head in understanding, but didn't say anything else. He didn't want to cry, but he knew he would. And he definitely didn't want to do it there. So, he slowly left the apartment, searching from anywhere where he could be alone so that, when he came back, he wouldn't need to cry anymore. It was just that, right now, he needed to be weak for at least a few minutes.

"You believe in lies

Like the one you told yourself

With your heart out on your sleeve"

It was only when the door of his apartment closed that Heung Soo noticed that Nam Soon had left, and a sudden pain took place inside his heart. He didn't want to hurt Nam Soon... he didn't, yet he did. Why could he even think that saying that right now could possibly be a good idea? How could he be such a coward as that?

He sat in front of the dinner table, a sigh of regret leaving his lips. This decision, was it even the best one? Was it even what he truly wanted? Or was it just a reflex of his fears? This was probably hard for Nam Soon, too. If Nam Soon was willing to go through everything that could get in their way... why was Heung Soo still so afraid? When he thought about a future together with Nam Soon... then, that was definitely the future he wanted in his life. But by asking him to remain being his friends... wasn’t that Heung Soo just trying to run away?

But, ten more years from now, if Nam Soon forgot about him and they become really just friends as before...Then, would he be regretting the decision he had taken? However, he didn't need to wait ten more years. Because, this decision, he was regretting it right now.

Five minutes after Nam Soon left, and he had already regretted it. He couldn't be just his friend. How would he ever get over his feelings for him? The fact that Nam Soon was a man, did it really make a difference for him? If he couldn't forget about him during those ten years they had been apart, would he ever get over him in the future? The feelings inside his heart, were they really recent, or they had ever been there, hiding deep inside, waiting to be accepted? If so... What was he doing right now?

He rushed to the door, opening it abruptly, wishing to see Nam Soon standing there, but Nam Soon wasn't there. He ran to the elevator, cursing himself for this situation he just caused, cursing his weakness and his fears. He wanted to call Nam Soon out loud... But he couldn't. Instead, he searched him around the street across his building... But Nam Soon was nowhere to be seen. Where could he have went to? Where did he run to?

He went back to his apartment flustered, and grabbed his phone to call him. But he just wished to scream as he heard Nam Soon's cellphone ringing at the living room. Nam Soon left without his phone.. But where could he have went to?

Heung Soo was afraid... He wasn't sure of what, but he probably was afraid that Nam Soon would just run away. If he had Nam Soon’s friends number... Should he call them? But Heung Soo didn't want to search for it on Nam Soon's phone. Even if he knew his security code, it felt like he was crossing some privacy boundaries if he did so.

"Ahh..." Heung Soo sighed, sitting over the couch, flustered and worried. Would Nam Soon even come back now? Not to mention the fact that Moo Yul could arrive at any moment, so he couldn't even search around for him... Yet where would he even search for him?

He had no idea of where Nam Soon might be. The only thing he knew was that he really needed to see him. How could he have been so stupid to say that? When he knew he wasn't being truthful to his feelings... Why had he done it?

"You leave me so breathless

And now I can be

Out of sight out of mind out of sight of you"

Nam Soon was sitting alone at a bench on the small park close to Heung Soo’s building. There was the only place he found where he could be alone. Where he could cry, and no one would see him and bother him. Yet, this was the last time. He couldn’t spend the rest of his life running after Heung Soo... running after something he knew he would never have. After a dream that was unreachable.

Lie to himself that he was indeed living that dream... it was fun while he could. But now, for his sake, he had to move on. To really go back to be a friend to Heung Soo, that was what he was supposed to be. With no more lies, no more hopes... Just a friend like before. At first, that was everything he ever wanted from Heung Soo, right? Since when did he become that greedy to ever think of them as something else?

He sighed, drying the remaining tears from his eyes as he looked up at the sky. There was probably a storm coming ahead, since the clouds were getting darker. He stood up, ready to head back home. And, when he reached his apartment, he would make sure to leave all those feelings behind him. This time, he wouldn’t keep that hope anymore. This time, honestly, he would try to get over Heung Soo with all his might.

For his sake, and also for Heung Soo’s sake. For their friendship - because that was definitely more important than any romantic and unwanted feelings he could ever have for him.

"You can breathe while I will suffocate myself

What is it about you?"

Heung Soo was laying at the couch, cursing himself over and over for his stupid words, and trying to figure out where Nam Soon had went and hoping he would come back, when he heard the door of his apartment unlocking, and there, closing it behind him, was Nam Soon.

Heung Soo stood up, wanting to smile and laugh because he was so relieved that Nam Soon had come home that he lost the words... And he completely erased from his mind everything he wanted to tell him.

"Where did you go?" Heung Soo whispered, approaching the younger, that had his hair a little wet. Maybe he got caught by the rain outside? He heard some thunders but he was so lost in his worries that he didn’t pay attention to it before.

"I bought some drinks... For the party..." Nam Soon shrugged expressionless, without staring at Heung Soo, and showed the bags of soju before putting them over the table.

Nam Soon wasn't looking at him, so he was  caught off guard when Heung Soo approached him, taking his hair away from his eyes with his right hand, staring delicately at his face, looking at every piece and part of him like he was finally seeing him for the first time.

And probably this was really the first time that he looked at him like this - just admiring him, with his mind clear from any worry, trying to fade his apprehension away and ignore the tiny voice that kept repeating no deep inside his mind. Nam Soon stared into his eyes, wanting to push him away, to scream at him for being so dense.

"What are you doing?" Nam Soon hissed, looking up at Heung Soo. After everything, what the hell was he even thinking right now? When he was trying so hard...

"I'm so stupid... For this, I'm sorry Nam Soon-ah," Heung Soo whispered, and Nam Soon didn't even had the time to answer him. He didn't, because the older one bended forward, crushing his lips together with Nam Soon's.

And, this time, Heung Soo wouldn't run away.

"What is it about you

That leaves me breathless"

[/CONTENTID3][CONTENTID4]