Today is a very nice day in Seoul. The weather is cozy to take a little walk by myself; the sun is shining brightly and the wind blows in a very pleasant way. I decided to sneak over to a coffee shop nearby and just idling around, I've sleep too much my body is starting to hurt and I need to take a walk to ease my mind. I become bored not doing anything in the dorm, everyone has schedule and I usually have one but not today. Great I thought, just great, not having any particular schedule when Tiffany is currently going on a date with Taeyeon. I wonder about them, Taeyeon and Tiffany, sometimes, well not sometimes, honestly I wonder about them frequently it becomes a terrible habit of mine, puncturing my heart with the thought of them going out or seeing each other as a lovey-dovey. Tiffany is my best friend, I love her so much, having to share the same difficulties of being brought up as a westerner and having to adopt Korean's culture and way of life in order to survive. She understands me when others would simply think that I am rude or impolite, she gets a lot of complaint about her manner as well but she remains angelic and down-earthed. If only people are more considerate and understanding, there's always a background story that shapes up someone's character, people go through a different kind of hardships and so am I, I always wonder what gives them the right to judge someone when they don't even know the person well? 

Anyway, back to Taeyeon and Tiffany. I am aware that they are really fond with each other, afterall, they spent several years as a roommate before we finally debuted. Taeyeon is very introverted and reserved, I guess it's true what people say; there's no greater burden than a great potential. She has a lot of potential, a divine and innocent singing voice, abundant charisma, in brief she's a great and unique character that will make everyone easily fall in love with her; no wonder she has a lot of fans, 2nd place after our gorgeous Yoona. But Taeyeon is just a shy young girl, she doesn't want people to praise her more than they praise other member, it makes her feel bad if people acknowledges her talent but not the other member talent. She's humble to the point of extremely endearing. 

And Tiffany? She is the opposite of Taeyeon and perhaps that's why they get along together very well, they are balancing each other. The more outspoken Tiffany reaches out to Taeyeon and there's Taeyeon, waiting for someone to reach out for her. They make each other feel special, Tiffany feels special and loved because Taeyeon always pay attention to her and Taeyeon feels special and loved because Tiffany reaches out to the deepest core of her heart. 

And where does that left me? Upon seeing Taeyeon the first time, I immediately think that she's absolutely adorable and it is only natural for me that I want to befriend her, and we were going to be in the same group anyway and she was going to be the leader. From the very first time, I was attracted to her the way sunflower would always face the direction of the sun. We both are very timid and shy but I decided to make the first move because I was driven by a baffling eagerness to be her friend. So I mustered all the courage that I have to finally talk to her and she responded so adorably that I almost believe that I've fallen in love at the first talk. However, even at that time, I am already old enough to know that love without developing a certain knowledge of a person is certainly an immature love. I've been dating too much without having an actual feeling to all the boys that I've dated. There's a deep-rooted void in my heart I long for someone to fill up the void with vast amount of attentiveness, someone I look up to and make me strive to be a better person. I want to adore someone so much to the point of infatuation, and there she was, milk-white skinned cute girl who was so polite to me even though she was older. I thought to myself that day, if I am about to fall in love with her, I don't want it to be an immature love. I want it to be certain, I have a million things to talk to her, a million things that I want to talk about. I want to see her and talk. I want us to begin everything from the beginning. So there I begin my voyage to get to know her. 

But then where do I begin? I am not Tiffany, I am not Sunny. I am too shy to talk to her and crack jokes to make her laugh. I am an awkward person who finds it hard to interact, and my fondness towards her is not helping either, it makes thing worse. I stuttered when I talk to her, how embarassing. Whenever I stuttered trying to talk normally to her, she was always so nice, she always smile so understandingly and asked me whether I was okay or not. 

"Sica. I'm sorry, can I call you Sica? Jessica is quite hard to say."
"Sica, are you okay? You look confuse."
"Sica, have you eat?"
"Sica, do you have enough sleep? You look tired."
"Sica, is everything okay? Are you upset? Why are you so quiet. I'm sorry if I bother you."
"Sica, do you have any problems memorizing the routine? I will help if you want."
"Sica, your voice is very nice. I like it."

Even though she always think that she's not a great leader; to me, she's the best leader. She's not investing on her ego, she invests on her member, I swear she would let all the member outshine her if necessary. She might be quiet and reserved but she cares deeply to every member. She's understanding, thoughtful, and accomodating. Always encouraging her member to become better and better. Her words, even as a leader to a member, gives me comfort, and I want to give her comfort as well, in return. I want her to know that I am very thankful for her attentions towards me....or even more.

I want Taeyeon to know that she's loved, deeply loved that I would do anything just to make her feel comfortable. I want her to share her burdens with me, let me lift it from her shoulder and carry it together. I desperately want to........ make her happy. 

That's not too much to ask, isn't it?

Nevertheless, it's quite unlikely for me to make her happy..not with Tiffany around. She seems very content with Tiffany and where does that put me in her story? Though I try my best to show my affection to her, she's still not facing towards my direction. Even now, I can't never figure out which way she's heading. 

And here I am, a determined sunflower, always facing the direction of the sun.
Won't you look away, Kim Taeyeon?