Sorry for not updating in a long time. I was quite upset with the news about Taeyeon dating and was pondering whether I should continue this story or not. At first I was upset because my OTP is not real although I really want them to be real, but today I got even more upset after I saw a post from Korean Sone who said she/he met Taeyeon at the airport and Taeyeon was visibly crying and passed on a message to him/her that she was really sorry about her dating news. All of the sudden I felt like I was such a selfish fans for being upset at her just because she broke my OTP dream, Taeyeon deserves to be happy no matter what her choices are and I will support Taeyeon because she's the Kid Leader that I will always love. This entry is dedicated to Taeyeon, I'm always here, the girls are always here, SONE are always here. 

June 2014

"Why did you do that ?"

Taeyeon was tapping her fingers nervously on the kitchen counter when she heard a soft yet high-pitched voice barging in to the kitchen and shoot her down with a question. The voice was visible with irritation and a hint of confusion. 

Taeyeon was reluctant to turn her head towards the voice. She knew very well that the owner of the voice, which she adores more than anything, would throw her tantrum over her decision. She wasn't ready with an answer, or perhaps she was ready but she didn't know how to convey it into a well crafted words that might calm her down.

"Are you just going to stand there and tapping your fingers until morning or do I have to force you to answer ?"

The voice was getting higher and strained. It was very clear that the owner of the voice was in the verge of exploding into tears.

Taeyeon took a deep breath and turn her head slowly, she looked at the ground, dejected and burdened.

She then proceeded to face the owner of the voice and she could feel her heart tightened, it was as if someone tied her already broken heart with a hot iron to make it feel even worst.

"Did what ?", Taeyeon asked, she decided to play dumb first. She must've thought that playing dumb would eventually tire the owner of the voice down.

"We were together for 3 years and we've known each other for almost 10 years. You don't think playing dumb will get you out of this, right?", the owner of the soft, high-pitched voice managed to scoff when she heard Taeyeon's question.

Taeyeon bit her lip. She started to realize there was no possible way she could avoid the girl's question.

But Taeyeon remained stubborn as she always did,"Will you elaborate what you mean ? I really have no idea what you're talking about Sica."

Jessica rolled her eyes and she proceed to half-shouting to Taeyeon who was taken aback by Jessica's aggresiveness, "You are throwing yourself under a ing bus, is what Kim Taeyeon."

"I don't feel like I threw myself under a bus. Mind your language there, princess," Taeyeon scrunches her thin eyebrows while half-smirking to Jessica. She never liked it when Jessica uses a foul language. She remembered she used to... she smiled upon her thought and quickly brushed it away.

"You certainly are. Are you trying to make a statement to me ?", Jessica was about to melt when she saw the smirk of Taeyeon that she liked so much, but she was too mad to be melted by the usual gesture.

"Why would I make a statement to you ? It doesn't have anything to do with you Sica."

Jessica let out a defeated sigh. Sometimes she understated how stubborn can Taeyeon be.

"Okay then, although this has nothing to do with me. It still affects the group and your image, badly. Real bad."

Taeyeon massaged her forehead tiredly. Jessica didn't even need to tell her that her action certainly did affect the group and her image. She was well aware of that. In fact, she was even more aware than the rest of the girls for it was her SNS that had been under attack for the past two days. She already came to the point of numbness when she scrolled motionlessly through the comment sections of her Instagram.

"I need a drink. Will you have a glass of wine with me ? Or do you hate me too much to accept my offer ?", Taeyeon let out a small smile, she smiled at the sarcasm of her words.

Taeyeon of course know that Jessica would reply with an even sharper sarcasm. Jessica was, after all, the Ice Princess who mastered the art of sarcasm.

"Judging from what happen 2  years ago, I thought you're the one who hate me," Jessica smiled back at Taeyeon, a genuine and cordial smile although a hint of sadness were still visible on those dark brown eyes.

Taeyeon froze at her place, she felt a pang of loneliness rushed down her body again, the feeling she felt continously ever since the end of year 2012 up until now.

"So....?", Taeyeon was about to make her way to the kitchen cabinet to grab the wine glasses, "should I weep alone with a bottle of wine in my hand and wake up like a drunkard in the morning or...?", she raised her eyebrows, asking for Jessica's permission.

"I rather not have you wake up like a drunkard in the morning, Tiffany and Sunny would go ballistic on you and I'm sure that's the least thing you want to have tomorrow."

Taeyeon couldn't help but smile at Jessica's remarks, she always thought Jessica was witty. Her humor were always dry and dark, but she was a big fan of that humors. She was. 

Taeyeon grabbed two wine glasses and put it in the freezer, she then asked Jessica to grab one of the wine from the wine cellar at the narrow corridor between the kitchen and the bedrooms.

"Why don't we have this when all of us still live here ?", asked Jessica.

Taeyeon followed Jessica to the wine cellar, the corridor was very dark and she could Jessica was analyzing the wine collections in the cellar.

"None of you were fond of drinking except Soonkyu and I, so why bother?"

"I was fond of drinking."

Taeyeon chuckled and she moved beside Jessica, examining which wine should they drink tonight,"You were only fond of drinking because everytime we went for dinner or even lunch, I never ordered any other drinks except wine."

Jessica took one bottle out, Owen Roe Cabernaut Sauvignon, and handed it to Taeyeon. But she was to eager that in the darkness of the room, she tripped towards the older girl and was about to land over Taeyeon body when Taeyeon quickly grabbed the bottle to save the wine and turn it around so she was the one landed on top of Jessica.

Their surrounding was very quiet, it was 2 in the morning and the only sounds that they both can hear now was the sound of each other heavy breaths. Taeyeon was intoxicated by the closeness and the scent of vanilla which yet again, send another pang of loneliness. Jessica remained motionless, her face was vague and she mentally thanked the dark corridor for disguising the crazy blushes on her face. Jessica wanted to pull Taeyeon closer but she remained still, she was too afraid for a harsh rejection and she remain very, very still. 

Taeyeon shifted uncomfortably but she didn't leave her position either. Ever so slowly she drag her eyes to the direction of Jessica's eyes. They stared at each other, emotions undefined but it felt like there was something there and it wasn't there anymore, it was as if they got their favorite flavor of ice cream in the hot Summer day but they accidentaly dropped it in the way home before they finished the ice cream. Jessica's dark brown eyes took Taeyeon in and Taeyeon wondered how it would look like if she falls in love. But she knew, she knew how it would look like if those dark brown eyes were in love. 

After a few moment of silence, Jessica covered her small, loving face with both her hands. A single drop of grief welled up from the corner of her eyes and suddenly, the dam broke. Hot torrents of grief coursed down her soft face, she was sobbing close to grieving and she sobbed and sobbed. Taeyeon was taken aback and she could feel hear heart sank to deepest abyss and the recurring loneliness that she always felt, wrapped her even more. 

"Jessica ?"

"I don't understand why do you have to take the blame for everything, it's not your fault, stop this Taeyeon," Jessica was speaking incoherently, she still covered both her face with her hands and she kept muttering,"It's not your fault.. It's not your fault."

Taeyeon was taken aback by Jessica's grief and she felt antsy at the sight of Jessica cyring in front of her, again, and because of her, again.

"Though I try to explain it to you, I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside of me and why I did what I did," Taeyeon answered Jessica and her voice was almost cracking despite of her composed manner. 

"You could put out an act as a brat, you could be depressed and lonely and just being a in general. But I know you Taeyeon, you are a good person and you will never hurt someone intentionally, moreover someone who have been supporting us for years."

Taeyeon massaged her forehead once again, she was getting accustomed by this gesture because it felt like she has an eternal headache and by massaging her forehead, it will reduce the pain away. Taeyeon chuckled a little, s soft chuckle heavy with an air of sadness.

"Maybe I'm not so good as I seem to you. I've a bad heart and I will have my own way."

Taeyeon felt defeated, she succumbed herself to the air of sadness that welled up in the dark corridor of the wine cellar. She laid down beside Jessica and hug her arms and buried her face in Jessica's wet neck. Taeyeon took a deep breath, she was absorbing the scent that she missed the most whenever she was far from the latter. 

"You're certainly inescapable," Taeyeon muttered the words to Jessica who was stiff in her position.

"You still haven't answer my question," Jessica turned around and she was facing Taeyeon. There were only inches apart between them and Jessica found it harder to breath when she saw the corner of Taeyeon's lips curling upwards to a little smug smile that she likes. 

"You're one stubborn princess, do you know that ?", Taeyeon poke Jessica's nose and then she let her index finger trailed Jessica's face before stopping at Jessica's half open lips. 

Jessica was suffocated with the amount of intimacy between them, like she always did. No matter how much things they've gone throught, an intimacy like this was still succesful to suffocate Jessica and put her heart into a raging motion. She often wondered why she was always overpowered by Taeyeon's presence; Taeyeon's presence alone, weakened her state of being.

"Stop with your empty rhetoric and answer my question, Kim Taeyeon," but years has taught Jessica how to act tough and indifference in front of Taeyeon. 

They glanced at each other and they stared at each other, there was a hint of longing there. Their glances was closer than an embrace, more urgent than a call for help.

"I wanted to get back to you once for all but I was too much of a coward. You didn't think I haven't noticed how you’ve been looking at me, right ?. There has been a continual look of expectation in your eyes, and I can’t endure that. That’s how it is I’ve kept away from you because I know that one look of that eyes and all my defenses would collapse. But in the end I’ve learned to admire you. You do stand firm, don’t you? I like people who are firm like that whatever it is they stand by. Your expectant eyes ceased to annoy me, I grew fond of them in the end, those expectant eyes. I understand something in you and you seem to love me for some reason and I was drawn back in," said Taeyeon, her words were smooth and versatile. 

Jessica was about to respond but Taeyeon said another words,"But I have to protect the one I adore the most, I have to shield her from the harshness of the world and from the potential misconduct that might come in the future so I did what I did."

Taeyeon tucked in a strand of Jessica's honey blond hair behind Jessica's ears and she caressed Jessica's dampened face,"I don't expect you to understand and I wasn't aware that it would backlash like this, but it sure diverts the attention right ? And that's all that matter."

"It's not yours to handle, why do you always take matters into your own hand without thinking how I might feel ?", a drop of tears rolled down from Jessica's eyes. 

"I'm fond of you," Taeyeon gulped and she felt like she was going to cry anytime soon but she held back, she held back like she always did,"and only you."

"Why don't you let me divert the attention ? You should know better, you should know that this would cause a huge reaction."

"He was a good friend of mine and he's a good kid," Taeyeon stopped to think about another answer and she stared deeply at Jessica's eyes before continuing,"If it was you, I'm not sure that the other guy wouldn't take any advantage nor do they understand why you decided to do what you do and I don't want to risk that."

"I could ask Heechul Oppa, we could ask," Jessica answered Taeyeon and Taeyeon answered with an ahjumma laughter. 

"How believeable would that be ? Let's say a news break out about Taeyeon and Heechul dating in Taeyeon's car with a roof open," Taeyeon laughed again and she asked Jessica,"Guess what kind of reaction the public will have?"

Jessica was confused why Taeyeon was so amused by the thought of Heechul and her dating, she shook her head and shrugged her shoulders gesturing that she has no idea why did Taeyeon think it's ridiculous.

"If that kind of news break out to public, there will be forum over the internet where people would say 'oh what a cover up, a guy who likes guy and a girl who like girl date each other, I thought SM is more clever than this' or you will find something like this 'I guess it's true that they are both gay and now they decided to fool us by saying they're dating'" 

Jessica still didn't agree with Taeyeon's decision but nevertheless she hugged Taeyeon back, she wanted to make sure to Taeyeon that she's always here for Taeyeon and she knew that Taeyeon's loneliness is something that can't be cured because she knew it comes from having a perfect life but unable to share it with anybody. A life of isolation where they both have someone whom they love very much but the world would never take nor accept their love.