Big city overwhelms me, it always does. 3 years living in Seoul and I still haven't adjusted to the frantic living of big city life. Growing up in Jeonju makes me more accustomed to a laid-back kind of living. I like the restful atmosphere of Jeonju when the sun was about to set. I like the tranquil quiteness of its' morning. Seoul is always bathed with blinding lights and perpetual noises of living being who struggles for their existence. In a big city, it is important to never stop because that is the core of your existence, to keep moving and to compete in the cruel ladder of life. And here in New York City,  I also feel overwhelmed. It's even crazier in here, people are either busy walking or engaging themselves in their phone. I bet it's a lonely life out here. 

The girls and I arrived this morning. They are very thrilled with this one week holiday and won't stop talking and moving and basically fussing out on the way from the airport to our hotel. As soon as we're checked in, everyone hurriedly moved to the room, set their luggage down and immediately go shopping. I am not interested, I am awfully tired from the long hours of flight and to me holiday is lounging back in a luxurious room and an occasional visit to a coffee shop or cafe with patio. The room is very spacious despite the luggage lying around, I sit sluggishly in the big cushion with Seohyun across the table. To the maknae, holiday means an endless list of books. She hasn't stop reading since we left Seoul.

"Seo, aren't you tired of reading?", I asked her due to growing boredom. The others been out shopping for more than three hours now. I don't think they will stop before the sun goes down.

"Not really unnie", she answers me without moving her eyes away from the book.

"What are you reading? Is it something fun?"

"It's very fun. It's called 7 Habit of Highly Effective People", she finally puts the book down and answer me with a smile. She must've been happy I take interest in one of her book.

My mouth gape open with her answer. That doesn't seem like a fun book, the maknae sure has an odd taste. 

"I'm going out to a coffee shop just around the block. Will you be fine here if I leave you alone?"

"Sure unnie. I will be here reading book. Take care, don't get lost or kidnapped", she giggled at me.

What a peculiar sense of humor, I thought to myself. I make a disagreeing look to her and pat her head before leaving the hotel room.

---

We are going to stay for 2 days in New York, tomorrow we will have a tour around the city so I won't have a lot of time to wander by myself. The weather is very pleasant outside. Spring has come into a full term in here, the color of green covered the city and it's a very refreshing sight to the eyes. I walk leisurely, wallowing myself in the delightful feeling of being alone. Along the way I see people walk hurriedly, alone, mostly alone. I wonder if they like being alone or are they actually experiencing a painful feeling of loneliness, living in a big city with no one to come home to.

Loneliness, I ponder about the word.

Loneliness is an acute pain, being isolated and feeling like you are stuck in time while the world around you keep moving faster and faster. I was always a loner. It's not like I enjoy loneliness, I don't think anybody does, but it's easier that way. I shut myself to the world around me because I think it's terribly bothersome to open up to people and conversing when in fact, they will never able to understand me completely. My members are my only best friend, and it is because we've been through a hardships together and they always reach out to me, we are like family and family is always comforting. I feel a lot of love from them. They actually make me want to put an efforts in maintaining personal relations with each and every one of them. 

I was a loner because I have a hard time opening up and it's very hard for me to trust someone completely. Back in school, even when I'm surrounded by my classmates and friend, it is actually feel lonelier than when I am by myself. The root of my loneliness must've come from having no one to trust or to talk to. For years before I meet them I feel lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and  I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. It scares the out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic, being lonely never feels right. The loneliness has been coming back lately. I think Soonkyu and Tiffany must've figured it out for they've been bothering me even more frequently. Both of them think I must've been holding up some feeling and I must've been stressed out because I try to subdued it. 

Do I need to engage myself in a relationship? I mentally laugh at the thought of me in a relationship. I had a few suitors actually. There are Kangin oppa, Leeteuk oppa, Junsu oppa. I refused all their invitations for dating. Sooyoung used to scold me telling me I'll be lonely for the rest of my life if I keep refusing all the invitations. I ignored her and she got even madder. That's my problem, I feel uncomfortable opening up to someone and I find none of them attractive. Shinyoung unnie also pushed me to several dates, the last offer from her was her friend, Lee Ji Eun. Because I respect Shinyoung unnie, I agreed to see the photo. The girl is actually very cute and I almost say yes. But then I found out that she's younger than Seohyun. I immediately refuse the offer, it's even more annoying to date someone way younger than me. 

At this rate, the potential suitors could only come within the group or company.

Well actually I did like Tiffany back in our pre-debut years and it was the closest it get for me to actually feel something for someone else.

It was an innocent crush, I never said anything to her because I damn well know that she would never like me back.

We grow fond of each other over the course of years but strangely, my romantic feeling for her fade away and was replaced by a sisterly fondness. I guess I grow up and finally realized that we would never be a good romantic pair, she's too loud and domineering for my own good. Nevertheless she remains one of the closest friend I have and I rely on her very much.

My thought then wanders to all my member. I recall them one by one; Soonkyu is definitely ouf of the question, I feel the same way to her like I do to Tiffany. Seohyun is Seohyun, I can't imagine if we're dating, must've been very awkward having to talk about goguma in our date...Hyoyeon is downright crazy and violent, she would've beat me up if we're arguing...Sooyoung is boy-crazy so definitely a no...YoonA is cute but definitely out of my league. Anyway anyhow, all of them are straight and I could never imagine dating any of them. And then..Yuri, Yuri and I are in the same team. But she always prefer older woman and I would never be into older woman..must've feel like dating your own aunts or something. Yuri told me she would never date any of her members anyway, but I doubt it, I always think she would jump into Pany if Pany ever go the other way. 

Tiffany, Sunny, Seohyun, Hyoyeon, Sooyoung, Yoona, Yuri, and.......that leaves me with... Sica.

Jessica Jung Sooyeon. I have to admit I always find her attractive. Very attractive in fact. It's not only about her delicate figure or smooth hair or that addicting smell of strawberry and vanilla or that cute expression she has whenever she's spacing out or annoyed. Her nickname is Ice Princess and people always assume that she's an uptight who doesn't give a about everyone. I know very well for a fact that she is far from uptight. Beneath that glacial manner she's actually just a timid girl with a fragile heart. She spaces out a lot and people assume that she's not interested with any other living being. But I know damn well she's the most caring and kind person I've ever meet. She's thoughtful, that's what she is and she's adorable. She doesn't put on a show but the more people get to know her, the more they know that this girl whom they called Ice Princes..is a warmhearted and lovely girl. 

Our relationship is an ambiguous one. We don't really hang out with each other nor do we talk frequently. She doesn't jokes with me like she does with others. But whenever we had an encounter, she always manage to altered my heart beat. I never have the guts to reach out to her although I adore her very much. I remain indifference and never taking any step further. Fortunately, she seems to take the initiative most of the time.

"Hello there"

"Hello"

"I'm Jessica Jung", she extended her hand to me whose mouth gaped open at the sight of her beauty.

I remember she laughed at me when I finally gripped back her hand and introduce myself.

"Kim Taeyeon. Nice to meet you"

She smiled back at me, a very charming one, and at that moment I felt like my frigid heart started to beat in an unfamiliar manner.

Jessica is an ambiguous one. She dated a lot. She dated other idols within and outside the company, movie actors, models, even Korean socialites. But she's indeed a peculiar one, none of her date went further and everytime Pany or Soo asked her why did she refuse to take one step futher she always said: "I don't like them"
She baffles me a lot of time. Seohyun might not be interested in human being but at least she does have an interests like....Goguma..or Keroro..but Sica? I don't think she's interested in any kind of thing, not human, not things, not ever. When all of us gathered and talk heart-to-heart, Yul seized the chance to ask Sica about her ideal type in which she drearily answered,"I want someone I can be comfortable with. Someone who doesn't try to hard they become pathetic just trying to woo me. I like someone with a warm heart whose funny and caring. Most importantly though, I have to like them first and if they already win my attention at the first time, I will continue to notice them."

---

I don't realize that I've been walking quite far and only 100 metres away from my destination. I found the coffee shop from Google and it seems like a nice and cozy place. I order a cafe latte and immediately take an empty spot outside at the patio. I take a deep breath and my heart is filled with a sense of contentedness owing to the delightfull smell of fresh-brewed coffee and a faint sound of rustling leaves. 

*beep* *beep*

I turn my head to my cellphone and notice I have one incoming message.

My eyes wide open at the sight of the sender. Jessica. Universe does have a unique way of working does it? I just thought about her a few minutes ago and she sends me a message.

Hey there. What are you doing? We just finished shopping.

Finally finished? Do you buy a lot of interesting stuffs? I'm just out walking around the block for a coffee.

Yeah! I'm happy! Do you mind a company?

Come to Ninth Street Espresso just around the block and show me what you bought then.

I ponder at my text and immediately send another text. 

I mean if you want to. Please don't trouble yourself if you don't want to come to see me. We can meet at the hotel.

She responds back in less than a minute.

I did ask if you mind a company didn't I? I want to see you :)

Well see you soon then. Please be careful when you walk and pay attention on the road.

See you soon <3 Will do Taengoo

--

I must've been unconsciously smiling ever since I received the message. I don't even realize that Sica already standing in front of me laughing at my face. I scratch my head in an awkward manner, I feel like I'm being busted in the crime scene. I responsively stand out of my chair and pull out an empty chair in front of me, motioning Jessica to sit.

"What are you thinking that make you so happy?", she smiles at me and it seems like she beams along with sephia color of the Spring.

"I was just thinking about the weather haha. How was the shopping going?", I tried to lie convincingly and diverted the subject.

"Oh. Absolutely crazy. Do you want to hear the story?", she laughs whilst talking and my heart seems out of its' place.

"I would love to."

"Wait a minute, you and Seohyun haven't eat any lunch do you?"

"I haven't yes. I'm not sure about Seohyun though. I think reading book make her belly full"

She gives me an upset look although she does smile at my attempt to joke.

"Wait here", she signals me to wait over here and leave me to enter the cafe. A moment later she comes with a plate of french fries and sandwiches. 

"I know you are not fond of American foods but you like french fries and sandwich do you? You have to eat Taengoo", she sets the plate in front of me and give me a joking bossy look, gesturing me to take a bite.

My heart is touched by this simple gesture of her, she's always like this. She doesn't say much but she does  a lot.

"Thank you Sica. You shouldn't trouble yourself. I'm indeed lousy at taking care of myself, am I."

She gives another disagreeing look and rest her chin on her left hand,"If you are lousy at taking care of yourself, at least let me take care of you."

I move eyes from the french fries I'm munching greedily, boy I'm hungry. My eyes are greeted by a caring gaze from Jessica's dark brown eyes, she pouts a little but she seems amused instead of annoyed.

"You probably should haha", I laugh trying to hide my growing nervousness. 

*beep beep*

"Oh, a call from Sunny. Let me answer this." 

I nod at her and watch her answer the phone call.

"Yes, I'm with Taengoo in Ninth Street Espresso about five minutes from the hotel"

Her face suddenly flustered and she squeals a little in her next talk,"What are you saying you pabo! No I don't mind!"

A moment later she laughs, boy that laugh is addicting.

"Shut up you midget, just come here"

She clicked off the phone and put it in the table. I ask her why Soonkyu is calling. Instead of answering me first, she grabs a tissue from her bag and wiped out my mouth. Great I thought, way to look like an idiot, I can't even eat neatly.

"She wants to come here with the others. It's okay right?"

"Sure I don't see why not. Everyone is coming right? That way we could directly go to the restaurant that we're going to have dinner at"

"No it's just I thought you want to have some alone time", her face suddenly reddened and I ask her if she's feeling hot. She shook her head but still looks flustered.

"Well we sure won't have time to talk with the other kids around haha. I haven't heard your story about going shopping yet."

I stammered while talking. I need to try and find a way to have more quality time with her.

"Let's stay up late tonight then?", she smiles at me and she beams again. 

"Okay then", her smile is contagious and I can't help but to smile back.

It's going to be a long hours in dinner tonight.