You can keep as quiet as you like, but one of these days somebody is going to find you.”
― Haruki Murakami, 1Q84 "

"That's it for tonight from DJ Taengoo! See you soon!"
With that catchphrase, I fall back into my chair and take out a deep calming breath. Another long and tiring day in the daily life of Kim Taeyeon. I grab my stuff and bow to PD-nim as well as other crew and then proceed myself to the van waiting outside for me.
"Manager oppa, do we have to pick up anyone else before going back to the dorm?" I ask manager oppa just to make sure will I or will I not go home as soon as possible. My body is a wreck and I just want to take a hot shower before finally hit the bed and sleep like a dead person, though I am not sure whether I can sleep peacefully or not.
"Yes Taeyeon-sshi, we have to pick up Jessica-sshi first before heading back to the dorm."
My whole body become stiff, and I feel a weird sensation on my stomach as soon as I hear her name.

Jessica Jung Sooyeon, the brightest star in the vast darkness of my universe. She's such a character. People think she's an ice princess, chic, cool, and unapproachable. But to me, she's one of the most adorable person that I ever know. She has a natural aegyo and she's not even trying to be cute, she just comes out as cute. We both are the oldest one and as well as the main vocal, so it is perfectly normal that she kind of looks up to me. Which I find very funny since I am nothing but a broken soul trying to put on a happy mask to hide my aching loneliness. Soonkyu thinks that Sica adores me, more than she adores others. She looks up to you Taeyeon, that's what Soonkyu says. Soonkyou said that  Sica sees in me something wonderful and she likes what she sees. I told Soonkyu that she's out of her mind to think that Sica adores me. I didn't say anything back then, I never tell Sunny the real truth that actually I am the one who adores her. She's gorgeous and cute and adorable, and I keep questioning myself how on earth a human being can be so sweet yet people always think she's cold. She's being misunderstand but she never bother to correct it or trying to change her attitude just to please the crowd. She's real, and that's what I like about her. She never puts on a show just for the sake of publicity. I wish I could be like her, carefree and still look endearing. She's not afraid nor care about what others think of her. And here I am, I always trying hard to be on my best behavior all the time. I always think that people are watching us 24/7, we are idol and people expect thing and of course we have to meet their demand, whether we like it or not. I am not even sure who I am anymore, or is there even a real Kim Taeyeon behind this mask of idol that I am wearily wearing.

My deep thought is abruptly cut by a sound of the van's door opening followed by a sweet shrieking voice.
"Taeyeon-ah."
Just the way she said my name sounds beautiful in my ears. I don't even know why. Perhaps because I have such a deep admiration towards her, and being acknowledged by her gives me a daily dose of happiness. But then I remember what YoonA said the other night about Sica's been dating several times and the fact that I know nothing about it. A rush of nauseous sensation sweep all over my body and I feel dejected, loss, and gloomy out of all the sudden.
I want to say a real sentences like 'Sica, so good to see you. How's your day? You look tired but still nice and glowing as usual' not just a petty smile but nothing comes out from my mouth and I answer her back with only a glimpse of smile and then trying to look spacing out once more by looking at the window. I want to slap myself so hard for being such an idiot.
But then I feel a warm touch upon my cheek superseded with a glimpse of strawberry scent. I turn my head from facing the window and my eyes meet her eyes. For that brief second of eye contact I feel like someone squeeze my heart, a feeling of being pinched in the heart but in a good way. Her eyes are filled with concern, mostly I hate that kind of gaze from my fellow members, I don't like being pitied but her, she looks at me with feeling of pure and real concern. Her brown eyes pulsated upon my eyes and then she asks me in a very low voice, almost cracking,"Taeyeon-ah, you don't look okay. Can we talk? Our schedule is always conflicted with each other and it feels like I am drifting away from you."
"I heard you've been dating a lot recently." I have no idea why does my first question to her has to be something about her dating someone else.
"Yes. Just casually." She answers me nonchalantly almost as if it's nothing important.
"Casually? You are not interested in a serious relationship?"
She smiles, her smile is beaming and I feel like I'm blinded by the light, like seeing the first sun after a long winter.
"No Taengoo, I am not interested. But it's not because I don't want to be in a serious relationship but I want to be with the right person. I hope they'll come along soon."
I nodded and somehow feel a wave of relief knowing that she's not going to be in a serious relationship anytime soon.
"How about you? Going strong with my American friend?"
"Nuguya? Fany-ah?"
"Yes. Who else."
I am not sure whether my eyes lie to me or not but for a glimpse of second I think I caught her smiling. But her smile is a sad one, it breaks my heart even seeing that just for a second. But then I look at her again and her face is already back at that vacuous state. It's like staring at an empty void so deep that it will take million years to know what's beneath that blank expression. I feel like gazing at a distant star in a galaxy, so bright and wonderful but unreachable, even we are only a few inches apart.
"I am not going strong with anyone else, Sica. I have no romantic feeling for Fany-ah really and I think you know that she's very devoted to her religion. There is no way she'll love me like that. It's against her religion, isn't it?"
"So if she's not devoted to her religion and be able to love you like that, you will go after her?"
I chuckle at her question. She's so subtle at throwing question. "Jung Sooyeon, attraction doesn't work that way. It doesn't flicker on and off, at least for me. Even though Fany-ah is not a devoted Christian and might be able to love me romantically, there is no possible way that I am going to pursue her or love her back romantically. Why you might wonder? Since it seems like she's the whole world to me and I care dearly for her. Well she is the whole world to me, but she's just a great companion whom I think fondly as a family member."
"Why then are you so comfortable with her and no one else?"
"I am comfortable with you." I blurts out nonchalantly, but I feel like saying it. It's true. Jessica stays silent when I am deep in my thought, it seems like she knows when to talk to me and most importantly she knows the art of showing careness with gesture rather than words. Sometimes you just love someone too much that no words can't fathom how much you care and love them. What she lacks in words, she makes up with her caring gesture. Her hug is always comfortable, every touch from her is comforting really. She doesn't actively pursue me like the other members. She worries but understand enough not to bother me.
"Me too." She answers in a very soft voice. It rings like a melody to my ears.
We both then fell into a long silent, I feel great for having to spend this precious time amongst our contradictory schedule. A moment later, I feel that she proceeds to scoot over and sit beside me and then motionlessly she rest her head in my shoulder. I give her an awkard pat on the head and this time I am definitely sure that she's smiling, and not a sad one anymore.

When we finally reach the dorm she bids me good night and leave me puzzled with her last words to me.
"Taengoo, do you know that sunflower always face towards the direction of the sun?"
Before I answer her, she's already gone to her room.