Shelter
Simple Song
I find shelter, in this way
Under cover, hide away
Can you hear, when I say?
I have never felt this way
--
Everyone was gathering around the living room after they finished packing and getting ready. Taeyeon stood at the center like a tour leader while the others circled around her with an itinerary paper in their hands. She was going to announce their trip scedhule for today.
"We're going to Empire State, Statue of Liberty and finish our trip by taking ferry to see Manhattan Skyline", Taeyeon looked down at the itinerary.
"We're leaving for Chicago at 9 right? So are we going to have dinner before or...?", Tiffany raised her hand and asked a question.
"We're going to have dinner at the airport. Manager oppa will be taking care of our luggage so we just leave it here and see him at the airport", Taeyeon answered Tiffany, "So are we clear?", she looked at her members and she was greeted by nod in unison.
--
It was a lovely day in New York City, the sun was shining warmly because it was a mild kind of sun. It was weekdays so it wasn't really crowded when the girls were visiting the landmark site in New York City. They were engulfed in happiness, taking pictures with each other and enjoying their free times.
They stopped at Central Park and enjoyed a quick picnic and ice-cream there. The color of green from the trees and the smell of a soil after the rain put the girls in a lively mood. Being occupied with cealess schedule definitely worn them out. Not only physically, but mentally. The holiday had been a blessing for them; a time where they could roam around the city without people flocking and following them around; a time where they could feel like a normal tourists. Funny how they work very hard to be in the place where they are now but once they reach the top, they miss their daily normal routine. Nowadays they can't just go to a cinema or restaurants without people following them around, they need to be in their best behaviour 24/7 and it becomes undeniably exhausting. They are a role model to millions of people out there and they never want to disappoint their fans who have been supporting them with absolute loyalty.
Taeyeon was beyond pleased to see her members happy. She quickly forgot the occurence that has been occupying her mind since last night. But due to her oblivious nature, she failed to notice that the the person who has been occupying her mind since last night was drowning in sorrow.
Jessica hadn't been smiling since they left the hotel. She stayed close to Sunny who had been checking her out every 30 seconds.
"Lee Soonkyu stop it", Jessica finally said to Sunny whose face filled with concern.
"You aren't telling something to me. I know it", Sunny interrogated Jessica.
Jessica shifted uncomfortably hearing Sunny's question. She looked away trying to find something to divert the subject. Nonetheless she failed to does so, her mind was filled with the thought of Taeyeon's kiss.
"You are not possibly sad just because Taeyeon failed to notice that she's actually your crush right?", Sunny questioned Jessica further; she tugged away Jessica's arm and ushered her to the move away from the others, "Come on, won't you let me know what happen?"
Jessica sighed, her face was miserable and a glimmer of tears were visible in the corner of her eyes.
"She kissed me", Jessica covered her reddened face, "but this morning she avoided me. What's wrong with her!", Jessica was definitely frustrated by now.
Sunny's mouth gaped open. She covered and pulled Jessica into a warm embrace, she then patted Jessica's head.
"What were you guys talking? She just kissed you out of nowhere?", Sunny quietly asked Jessica again.
"We were talking about how I have a crush to someone for two years. But she was acting very weird and seems uninterested so I asked her what's wrong and then she just kissed me", Jessica was crying now, "Was she drunk?"
"I don't think she's drunk Jessica... You know her, she's not the type of person who gets drunk and then kiss people casually", Sunny's words were filled with concerns, she kept Jessica's hair and patting her back trying to calm Jessica down.
Jessica was sobbing at this level, she was trying hard to breath and subdued her tears to no avail.
"What did I do wrong?", Jessica repeated the words over and over again to Sunny, she looked very miserable by now.
Sunny's heart was aching upon seeing Jessica's face. She didn't want to interfere on Jessica and Taeyeon's personal matters but she was deeply upset to see Jessica acted like this. If only she could tell Taeyeon about Jessica's feeling or vice versa.
Sunny knew how much Jessica adores Taeyeon. She remembered Jessica's embarassed face when she confronted her about her feeling for Taeyeon.
"Caught ya!"
"What", Jessica glared at Sunny. Seemingly annoyed.
"Caught you looking at the kid leader for ..... I don't know... countless times?"
Jessica's face turned bright red like a tomato and she slapped Sunny's arms repeatedly.
"HOW DID YOU KNOW?! HYOYEON TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS? OR WAS IT YURI?"
Sunny chuckled,"Ow ow ow! Stop it, it hurts", she brushed her arms jokingly, trying to look hurt at Jessica's playful attemp to hit her arms,"I'm just really good at observing."
Sunny remembered Jessica's sleepless night when she waited for Taeyeon to come back to the dorm after her DJ-ing's schedule.
"You're still up?"
"Yeah. Waiting for Taengoo. She would be hungry by the time she gets back. I have put aside a leftover so she could eat before she goes to sleep."
"What a thoughtful wife", Sunny teased Jessica.
"Yah! I'm just.. I'm just", Jessica stuttered for a while, "I don't know Sunny...I tremendously like her. I adore her tireless spirit and how she always put unbelievable amount of efforts when she does something. I adore her gentleness and how she treats all her member like family."
Jessica sank to the cushion and Sunny scooted over to her side.
"You should let her know", Sunny looked at Jessica with concern.
Jessica chuckled,"She's definitely not interested with anyone but Tiffany", she let out another dejected sigh, "I'm too scared if I tell her about my feeling she will avoid me and grow even colder towards me."
"She's the kind of person I don't think I'd be good enough for", said Jessica, her voice was cracking.
Sunny wondered that night how many people in the world suffered and continued to be in miserable state just because they could not break out from the cocoons that they built themselves. And in their blindness and idiocy they built up a great wall that hindered them from being able to see the truth; the real truth who could take them out from their aching loneliness. Sunny thought of Jessica and Taeyeon that night. She thought of how sorrowful it is not being able to tell people you really love about how you really feel.
"Hey Sica", Sunny caled out to Jessica, "You can't resist the flow forever. You have to follow it, you know? You go up when you’re supposed to go up and down when you’re supposed to go down. When you’re supposed to go up, find the highest tower and climb to the top eventhough you risk yourself in the possibility to fall. When you’re supposed to go down, find the deepest well and go down to the bottom although you might be greeted by monsters from the dark. If you keep resisting the flow, everything dries up. If everything dries up, the world is darkness."
"The flow is your feeling, Sica. There's a reason it's called falling because you are either fall down to the pit and break every bones of your body and it's going to be freaking hurt or someone is down there to caught you and prevent you from being hurt.", Sunny held Jessica's hand, "Trust me you want to find out. You can't be falling and keep floating in the air forever."
"I don't want to be selfish, Sunny", Jessica said it quietly, almost like whispering, "What if she rejects me and avoid me afterwards because she finds me repulsive and unbelieavable for liking her? that would bring awkwardness to the group."
"Taeyeon is better than that, she won't ditch you just because you have feelings for her", Sunny opened her arms and Jessica hugged her. Sunny could feel the rapid beating of Jessica's heart and it surprised her how much feelings can do to someone's heart.
"Have faith, Jessica Jung", Sunny smiled and gave Jessica words of encouragement.
--
Taeyeon's POV
Do you ever look at beautiful sight and wish you could show it to your loved one?
There are frequent moments like that in my life; when I looked at gorgeous scenery of Japan's Sakura blooms, when I listened to a new band that I like so much, when I discovered a new eating place. I was always alone but I was always thinking about someone. I wish I could take her here so she could taste this mouthwatering ramen broth, I wish I could take her here so she could feel how peaceful it is to sit in the river banks and watch people come and go.
I remembered an American film who said "Happiness is only real when shared". I always enjoy solitude more than anything, the stillness of the earth calms me down and put me into a state of tranquility. I failed to remember when the thought of her begin to creep gradually inside my head. She invades my mind ever so slowly that I must've not notice the changing situation. I would be wandering around, sightseeing, and when I stopped to devour the beauty of it...I would think of her, how blissful it would be if only she's beside me. She would not say anything, she would just be there; a companion without words; entangled by nothing but soul.
My solitude had been altered into loneliness. Before her, I've never been lonely. I've been in a room -- I've felt suicidal. I've been depressed. I've felt awful -- awful beyond all -- but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me...or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I've never been bothered with because I've always had this terrible itch for solitude. But she altered that, she puts me into realization that I'm eaten away by loneliness.. I need to connect, connect, connect.
I got the taste of her last night. Only a glimpse but enough to put me into a drunken state that all I could think was only love could heal me from this brokenness. Her love. I could not sleep at all, everytime I thought about her, I felt a gutwrenching pain wrapped around my whole being. Time slipped away slowly. I saw her this earlier morning and she left the room after I avoided her gaze. Only then I realized that I was tremendously affected by her presence. She numbs me.
If I could only someway make her feel how much I love her.
I had been very distracted by how much fun I had in our last day at New York. But it was an illusory and temporary happiness. As soon as we hopped on the boat for Manhattan Skyline trip, I moved away from the others; discarding myself from the crowds. I went to the end of the deck and stood there. The rich smell of salt blended gracefully with the steady movement of the boat and the aesthetic formation of Manhattan Skyline. If she hadn't been in my thoughts lately, that night would've been wonderful for there's nothing I love more than peacefulness and solitude. But all I could feel at that moment was a pang of loneliness. It was terrible and I felt like I was absorbing the sadness of every living being in New York City. Amidst the happiness radiating from my members and the liveliness of my surroundings, I felt isolated.
"Kim Taeyeon", a voice so quiet greeted me from the back.
Her voice. Upon hearing her voice I felt a wave load of relief. It was as if I've been waiting for that voice ever since the day I was born.
But I was always a coward. I didn't greet her back although I turned my head towards her.
The sun was setting and it was radiating a fusion of splendid pale tint orange mixed with a hint of redness. The last light of sunset fell upon her face. She was always radiant but the color of the sunset that time completed the brightness of her face perfectly. Her hair was no longer cut into short, it was a magnificent color of blonde and it looked very soft like a fluff of clouds during summer.
She stared at me without looking elsewhere even for a second. I felt like I was being shot with a bullet that moves in a slow motion. Her stare felt like a continous stab in my heart. I felt faint just by looking straightly into her eyes so I turned my gaze away from her, tried to looking at the distant.
"Did I say something wrong ? Are you just going to ignore me everytime I'm going to talk to you ?", but I noticed her voice was cracking and quivering, "are you just going to look away everytime we see each other?"
I was noticing the difference in her voice so I looked back at her. That was the moment when I could see that her upper body kept spasming or jerking and I wondered what was wrong. As I came closer, I barely heard soft whimpering sounds and saw that her face glistened with freshly shed tears. I could feel the dampness of her skin as I placed my hand upon her cheek.
"Sica, no, no, please don't cry. I'm sorry", I was beginning to panic, my heart was beating rapidly seeing her body trembling, "I apologize. Please Sica, don't cry. I didn't mean to avoid you", I put both my hands upon her shoulder whilst her body kept shuddering and my hands trembled along with her shuddering body. Her body shook and convulsed as if she no longer had control of it. She struggled to breathe with each desperate gasp of air she took, only to release it again in another forceful sob.
"Sica.... Let me explain....", I was about to explain when she finally stopped shuddering and in her attempt to stop sobbing, she glared at me.
It was painful, her eyes were filled with agony.
"Sica..?", I was desperate.
"Listen Kim Taeyeon. You are obviously the biggest fool in the whole world, you are too damn oblivious to care about everyone else. You're a selfish and egoistic bastard with a cold heart. How could you kiss someone and then left without any explanation? Do you think I'm just some Barbie toy that you could kiss and discard after you are done with it?", her voice was shaking with an intense amount of agony in each of her words.
I gazed at her not saying anything, dumbfounded by the intensity of her words.
"I have spend two years looking at your direction. I have spend two years secretly holding my feelings because I am afraid you will avoid me if you find out about my feeling. Do you know how much it hurts me? I thought I feel enough only having you as a friend but you don't even want to be my friend. You keep on acting cold with me. You're extremely weird, you could be very sweet to me but then the next day you act as if I'm a stranger. You shut yourself from the world, not letting anyone in and I've been trying Taeyeon, I've been trying so hard to get your attention but you are to absorbed in you own world. I am desperate to show you how much I care about you. I know you don’t want to hear this. But I can’t help myself. The moment you came into my life I was lost. I’m afraid to tell you what I wish for, for fear you’ll avoid me. Or more likely, refuse me. Or worst of all, despise me."
It felt like someone throw a bucket of ice-cold water in my body during a cold winter.
I lowered my hands from her shoulder and she began to sob again. She took a step back away from me and dropped down to the floor. Her whole body began to trembled again, she was sobbing vigorously and buried her face in between her knees.
I moved closer to her and sat in front of her.
“Everyone else isn’t you. It turns out that’s a huge problem for me Taeyeon. I tried to date lots of times to run away from my feelings from you. I have loved you silently, without hope, in my own shyness, in jealousy, in pain; I loved you so tenderly and truly to the point I don't care anymore if you'll love me back or not. I just want you to know that I'm here and I love you", she finally held her head again and stared at me, no longer in agony but lovingly, "Please at least try not to hate me for loving you."
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