“And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer. ”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby.

Summer used to be my favorite time of the year; a brisk summer breeze in the evening, a full day out in the sun surrounded by a blooming green grass and flowers, days of slacking off with watermelon popsicles and a thorough blow fan. Summer reminded me of my salad days, when I didn't need to worry about anything other than how to buy another watermelon popsicles the next day. It was quite different now; my summer was far from slacking off and daydreaming under the sun. It was jampacked with a range of activities. I had DJ-ing schedule at Chin, WGM shootings, and not to mention I was still being asked to perform my solo for Beethoven's Virus soundtrack, Can You Hear Me.

I wasn't complaining though, in fact, I feel extremely grateful because it seems my, our, hard works were slowly paying off. People recognized us more lately. We were slowly becoming a well-respected idol. With each member having their individual activities, we were able to show public our different talents and unique charms. We put our best efforts to create a good image for SNSD and to deliver the best to our beloved fans.

I was about to perform in one of KBS's show with Seohyun. Maknae played the piano while I'd be singing Can You Hear Me. The door of our dressing room was being opened frequently that night; we were being visited by our sunbaes who wished us good luck and the cute hoobaes who were excited to promote their new albums. The atmosphere was very placid and pleasant even though it was a very humid night. I looked at Seohyun who was very tense. She always was a perfectionist so I got it that she must've been very nervous to perform in a national TV.

Make-up noona and stylist noona were done doing their job after a roughly two hours. I looked at the mirror and was surprised by the transformation. It was as if I was staring to a totally different person; another Kim Taeyeon in another universe. I wasn't used to make-up yet. The girls and I were gradually adapting to our new visual image with more make-up than before. One thing for sure I was glad I got my eyebrows covered; it was practically non-existent before.

I didn't really like the stage outfit because I despise looking overly girly, but the make-up was gorgeous. It was simple but enough to alter my face into more mature looking. There was an hour left before Seohyun and I got up on stage. I didn't have anything to do and I didn't bring my GBA so just I lounged around waiting for my turn to perform. On the corner of the room, I saw Seohyun was busy practicing and remembering her piano notes. In the contrary with Seohyun, I could never practice right before I go up to stage. I usually did not do anything but lounging around trying to calm my nerve by not doing anything or I would have my GBA with me and play some online games with Soonkyu. Exceptionally bored with nothing to do I sat at the sofa and tapped my fingers on the coffee table mindlessly when suddenly I heard a buzz from my cellphone.

Almost as if I had a feeling about who's calling me an hour before I got up to stage, I hurriedly grabbed my phone.

My feeling didn't betray me. I was right. I smiled looking at the receiver. A flawless face with a tedious expression was staring at me from the screen of my phone. My heart was pounding with inexplicable excitement just by seeing her face on a phone screen.

"Yoboseyo," I was only trying to remain as calm as possible but came across as being cold. I immediately regret my decision to not greet her warmly upon hearing her reaction.

"Yoboseyo Taengooo~," her soft and feminine voice greeted me pleasantly. I could actually picture her smiling while greeting me over the phone.

"Are you coming?" I asked directly, stifling my voice to subdue my eagerness to meet her.

There wasn't an answer, but I heard a long exhale followed by an incoherent murmur before she finally answered in a very apologetic voice. "hmm....hhh.... I can't, I'm really sorry Taengoo."

I gulped before answering her back and it was like I was swallowing a fish bone down my throat. "Aniyo, it's fine Sica. Good luck for your musical audition. I really do hope you get the role. You are perfect for it."

My surroundings immediately brightened up when I heard a high-pitched giggle in the end of the receiver. I felt the air of the room getting warmer in a pleasing way and I couldn't help but to grin widely, imagining her tiny delicate face.

"You're so sweet," she said in a very feminine manner it almost makes my heart forgot to beat in a few seconds.

I didn't respond to her statement I wasn't able to say anything. We stayed in silent minutes, I could hear her quiet breath and in some way I can't comprehend it soothed me. It really did; her faint breath from the distance put me into a state of tranquility and it just made me miss her very much. The long silent was comfortable with no hint of awkwardness. It was as if we wanted to make sure we were breathing the same air together.It hitted me hard when I immediately realised that more than anything, I wished she could be here, gazing at me with that undying affections in her eyes, to tell me that I would do great.

"Taengoo?" I heard her again.

I was brought back again by her voice, "Ne, ne, Sica. I'm sorry I was spacing out."

She giggled again and I automatically smiled.

"I gotta leave now. Sing well, will you? I'll see you soon. Bogoshipoyo Kim Taeyeon."

"Okay, see you soon," my voice was nearly cracking and I wanted to say more but I didn't have the courage so I ended up not saying anything.
The cell phone was clicked off. I felt a sudden feeling of emptiness when I could no longer hear her voice. I stared at my cellphone for a long time before I could finally say "I miss you a lot too….".

If even from a long distance (mon balchiseu nan jamshilado)

I could look upon you (geudae balabol soo issuhdo)

That's what you call love (geugae sarangyij)

If perhaps this yearning, this longing (hoksi yi keedaelimyi yi gueleeoomi)

When it sounds, when it touches (daeul ddaemyun deulyi ddaemyun)

Please just act like you didn't know (chalayi molleun chuk hajoyo)

Although the closer I get to you, the more scared I get (geudaeyaegae galsoolok jagoo gubyi najiman)

I guess I cannot stop this love (yi saerangyun mumchool suga upnaeyo)

- Kim Taeyeon, Can You Hear Me, OST of Beethoven's Virus.



I never stopped thinking about her while I was singing the song.

The fluorescent lights of the studio blinded me and warped me in a certain blueness. When I was standing there and singing, I felt like I was in the middle of a meadow surrounded by darkness with only a faint light of stars above me. The audiences were gone and it was only me, pouring what I can't say in words into a song for her.I almost got carried away and in the verge of crying upon realizing how relatable the lyrics were to my feeling for her. From the corner of my eyes, I could see Hyoyeon and Yuri were singing along while jokingly teased Pany who was about to cry seeing my performance. I bowed down gratefully after I finished, I took Seohyun by the hand and we entered the backstage. I was relieved by the performance. It had to be one of the best solo performance I ever delivered. And it was because I thought about her, it became a whole lot more emotional.


I instinctively reached out for my phone and immediately sent a text message.

I'm done. Really wish you could see it. Let me know about your audition.

The second I put back my cellphone, I heard a commotion coming from the end of the changing room aisle.

"Taetae!", Tiffany was running at me. Her shoulder-length hair bounced from side to side. Her nose was as red as a reindeer. She must've been crying earlier.

I waved back at her, Yul, and Hyo who were following her from behind with a bright smile on their face.

"Very emotional performance there, buddy," Yul mussed up my hair and gave me a high-five afterwards.

My face turned red with Yul's statement and I was smiling abashedly. I hugged her and Hyo and tell them thank you for being able to attend my performance despite their hectic schedules.

"Always that formality," Hyoyeon scoffed jokingly at me and I laughed at her remarks. Times past but I could never fully brush off the formality when it came to backing up each other's performances. Years as a loner made me feel like I didn't deserve any supports from no one ever. Nonetheless, they were always so sincere and I just wanted them to know how grateful I am for their supports.

"You were so good!!!! It was very cool!!! Seohyun was very elegant as well. " Pany was shouting at me excitedly. Her eyes were gone and turned into a crescent shaped moon.

Seohyun who was quiet before finally talked. "Unnie.... stop shouting, I was okay but I agree Taeyeon unnie was very great."

Tiffany made a disagreeing face to Seohyun and pinched her playfully. "I was shouting because I'm so proud of my leader and maknae!"

I laughed and they were all cringe at my laugh and it made me laugh more but even when I was laughing, my mind was totally occupied with the thought of her. I just wanted to go back to the dorm as soon as possible and stay all night being awake beside her.






"Nawasseo!" a unison of voices were ringing through the empty dorm.

Pany, Seobaby, Hyo, Yul and I arrived to a deserted room.

"I guess no one is home yet," said Tiffany after she finished arranging our shoes neatly in the shoes cabinet.

"Aish jjinja? What time is this, how come no one is home yet," complained Yuri.

We proceed to our spacious living room and found Soonkyu was sleeping soundly in the couch with a GBA in her hand.

"This dork," I shook my head in disbelief.

"Yul, let's pull a prank at her!" Hyo's face turned bright and she made a mischievous eye contact with Yul who was nodding in the same amount of excitement.

"I'm gonna grab a sharpie and draw a cat moustache on her face," Yul ran back to her room. Her body moved swiftly and it radiates an immense amount of mischievousness.

I cracked up silently because of Yul and Hyo and tried to remain as silent as possible in order not to wake Soonkyu up.

"Poor Sunny," Tiffany passed me who was sitting on the opposite side of Sunny and made her way into her room.

Tiffany never involved herself in any prank schemes pulled by mostly the mischiefs: YoonYulHyo. She was the one that being bullied to be honest but she was always helpless and her reactions were always cute making her the perfect target for bullying.

The space within our living room felt terribly hollow with the absence of its' usual inhabitants. It was usually filled with the dorks bickering with each other and complemented by a commotion coming from the kitchen area. I smiled thinking about how pleasant it has been to live with them so far. We sure had our arguments and fights, but it was mostly over petty little stuff and we settled it right away. It warmed me, the feeling of being the older sisters in one big happy family with strong bonds. My favourite times were mostly the times we would stay for hours after dinner just to talk heart-to-heart with each other. 

I reached out to my phone once again, but there's still no reply from Jessica so I buried myself in the couch and unconsciously drifted away to sleep.

I was wakened out by a gentle touch on my hair. I turned my body to find out who it was and I was welcomed by an affectionate gaze and cordial smile of Jessica. She was sitting on the edge of the couch so I scooted back and gestured her to sit beside me. I looked around and noticed that Soonkyu wasn't there anymore, the dorm was very quiet, there were only Jessica and I in the living room. I must've fell asleep for quite a while. 

"What time is it? How long have you been here? I'm sorry I fell asleep. " I was rambling incoherently. I was excited to see her, but at the same time I wasn't fully awake yet. Just when I had a short nap I realised that my body was exhausted due to the never-ending schedules I had lately.

"It's a little past one in the morning. Not long, but long enough to see my leader was muttering my name while sleeping. " she giggled and brushed my face lovingly.

My face reddened upon hearing her statement, my body was stiff with the touch of her smooth hand in my face and I was stammering when I asked her. "…… Was I talking in my sleep?"

"We were practically having a conversation", she smiled at me with a hint of immense amusement in her face.

"Did I by any chance say anything weird?", I asked again. I was worried of saying anything related to her that might make me embarrassed. It was amazing how casual she could be after our moment back in New York. It seemed as though nothing happened. If anything changes at all, it's how she's been treating me more lovingly and not in subtlety anymore. It was as if we're close to being a lover but none of us claimed each other as a lover.. we just…treated each other like a lover. 

"You said you love me and you always want to spend all your time with me," she giggled again. Her laughter was as addictive as before, but it sent a different atmosphere now. It was thick with intimacy. It was like as if we had crossed the boundary between friends and moved into an uncertain area. 

Nevertheless, it felt fine. After our moment of confession in New York, what mattered the most was we were for sure know how we feel about each other. We both were fine with the uncertainty as long as we know our true feeling with each other. The urgency to label our relationship wasn't there. We felt comfortable with each other and that's all what mattered.

"Did I really?!" I was surprised. I knew it. I knew I would say anything embarrassing.

"Do you?", her expression swiftly changes into her current template, impenetrable and tedious. She wasn't giggling anymore. She was staring at me her eyes were piercing me through the core of my soul again. Just like how it was back there in New York two weeks ago.

I was taken aback by the abrupt change and her surprise question. I gazed down on the ground and quietly say. "Of course I do."

Of course I really do. That question was practically unnecessary, or so I thought.

We stayed in silent again, I wanted to make her feel my fondness towards her but I was extremely bad at expressing through words. So I turned my head to her and overwhelmed by shyness and feeling, I kissed her on the cheek. I stood still, vision blurring, and in that moment, I heard my heart break. It was just a little, clean sound, like the snapping of a flower's stem. I stayed like that and she didn't turn her face towards me but she moved her head up and down, swiftly brushing the smoothness of her dainty face upon my lips. I came close to her and both my arms reached out to pull her into a hug. She gave in to me and I slowly rested my head in her bony shoulder. In that darkness of a humid summer day, I was drowned in happiness that comes from her body which smells like sunshine, strawberry, and vanilla.

"You need to eat more, Sica," I said to her, my voice was muffled because my head was buried in her right shoulder.

"Am I too skinny?", she asked me. Her voice was so quiet almost like a whisper.

"I think you 're. You need to be healthy because we are extremely busy now. I would be very unhappy if you get sick"

She moved swiftly and I pulled my embrace from her. She stared at me and there were times when her stare was totally unreadable, but that night I could tell by the deep gaze she pierced upon me that she was also overwhelmed by shyness and a vast amount of fondness towards me.
She snuggled up to me and she pulled me to lie down on the couch. My heart was pounding so hard when we finally lay down and she snuggled even closer to me. My head was dizzy from an intense amount of intimacy that we shared. My head was on the top of her head and I kissed it repeatedly, with an ardent desire to pull her even closer that it might break her frail figure. I could feel her warm breath on my neck and she was nuzzling her nose and lips to it. Every touch from her lips sent a wave of an intoxicating feels.

I can’t think of any greater happiness than to be with her all the time, without interruption, endlessly, even though I feel that here in this world there’s no undisturbed place for our clandestine romance ; and I constantly dream of a secluded place, dark and narrow, where we could hide and clasp each other in our arms as with clamps, and I would hide my face in her and she would hide her face in me.

"You were great earlier," she finally breaks the silence between us.

"Really? Thanks. How was your audition though?" I just remembered that I haven't asked about her audition.

"I think I did great. They are going to announce it two weeks from now. Will you celebrate with me if I get the role?"

I nodded and slowly tracing her hair with my fingers, "Sure. I'll give you a surprise present if you get the role."

Although I could not see her face, I could tell she was smiling while she talks. "I watched your live performance through TV earlier. It was a very powerful performance. I wonder if you were thinking about someone?"

My heart skipped a beat with her question. Why was she always asking a surprising question that could send me an immediate heart attack. "Yeah I was thinking about someone. The lyrics are very relatable don't you think?"

I could feel her moving slowly and she circled her arms around my neck. She was even closer than before. "You are pabo. Of course, I can hear you."

The silence came again and the humid air of summer filled the minuscule spaces between me and her.

I got a weird nostalgic feeling of my youthful salad days that night. Wrapped tightly around each other, heart filled with contentment and comfort. Air filled with the intoxicating mixture of love, citrus, and strawberry. I was welcomed back by a familiar certainty that my innocent youthful life filled with happiness was brought back to me again along with the summer and her presence.

That one fine summer night I was yearning for a pouring rain that will soak our body in it. I wanted to lay down in a meadow filled with green grass and rays of light pouring in through tree branches. I wanted the sound of nothing when it’s shared with her. I wanted to gasp as nothing always becomes something when her hand is in my hand and the night unfolds.