Time moves incredibly fast and it has been almost half a year ago when all nine of them went together for a short break to America. Their big awaited concert is ready to greet them anytime soon and everyone is visibly tensed up. They are tired with never ending schedules and practices. It has been a regular scene each time they arrived at their dorm, everyone quickly bid good night to each other and went to their respective room and drifted to sleep. Conversations are getting less and less and to no surprise, the ever-sensitive, receptive, and melancholic Kid Leader is the one whose affected the most by this circumstances. 

Her conflicting schedule with one of the member she yearns the most to see don't help either. Tonight, as she feels another heartbreak when aher members leave her alone in the piercing quietness of their dorm living room, she falls backway to the cozy comfortable sofa. The sofa which used to be occupied by all nine of them together, crumpled, like a dried tuna. Nonetheless, a happy tuna, Taeyeon thought inwardly. Sunny hasn't come back yet, so she will be alone in the room and she decided she can't stand another night of scrolling endless unnessecary information in her cellphone which is why she decided to just lounge around the living room, waiting for all her members to finally come home.

Taeyeon closes her eyes and lets her mind wander to the their debut days. Back to the days when all of her members are more carefree and looks upon the world brightly. She feels a pain in her chest, a feeling of guilty because she feels like she can't do anything to make her members happy. She thought that  their upcoming concert will be a huge motivation to all of them. It did motivates them, for a while, until they are enforced to days of practices, never ending practices with a lot of frustration. Not to mention the company keeps pushing them out to public as if they're only a toy of entertainment, a doll for the world to look at. 

*creak*

A door opens and a glimpse of the hallway light visibly enters the living room. Taeyeon notices someone enters the dorm, and she shouts out to notify whoever enter the room.

"Who's there? Soonkyu?", Taeyeon asked. 

"I'm sorry, it's just me."

A sweet, delicate, marshmellow-like voice rings sweetly to Taeyeon's ear and Taeyeon swiftly stand from her initial position. 

Jessica. Taeyeon's heart beats wildly when she realizes the owner of the voice. They haven't see each other at all these past few days because each time Taeyeon went to her schedules, Jessica hadn't wake up, and when Taeyeon finally arrived at dorm and ready to sleep, Jessica hadn't arrive yet. When it times for practice, she was concentrated to practice her solo performance and she hardly ever be accompanied with the others. The only time they see each other was on Friday during huge practice with each other, and they can't even have alone time to talk to each other because they're too immersed in practice. Saturday and Sunday would be a perfect day for Taeyeon to spend time with Jessica. But, she's too reluctant to ask Jessica out and she doesn't want to rob Jessica's time with her family. 

"Hey there," Taeyeon greets Jessica. She doesn't like the tone of her voice. Emotionless, as if all her yearning to Jessica is only lies she made up in her head. She mentally cursed herself and stand still in her position. 

"Why are you still awake ?" 

"Sunny, you, Yoona, and Yuri aren't home yet. So I'm waiting for all of you to get back."

"Lies."

Taeyeon frowns at Jessica, she's confused by Jessica's accusation.

"Whatever," Taeyeon can't hide her annoyance. Here she is, missing Jessica to death but Jessica accused her of lying and it just irked her, switch her mood button from 50 to somewhere near negative 50.

Taeyeon knows she will be washed with guilt for days because of her rudeness to Jessica but sometimes she does thing she doesn't even understand. The more she misses Jessica, the more she avoids her and it seems like what happened 6 months ago in New York and the following month afterward, never happen between them. Thing has went downward, crumbling away fastly, pushed away by busy routine and worsened by her inability to control her mood, actions, and says. Taeyeon's perfect plan, or so she thought, of confessing to Jessica has been washed away like a broken log floating in a huge vastness of pacific ocean. The plan is the broken log, and the huge vastness of pacific ocean is their tight, merciless schedule.

Taeyeon is set to leave the room, she can't stand her guilt and what she just said to Jessica. She has play a beautiful scenario in her head if she and Jessica would ever have an alone time between them amidst their busy schedules. But, the turn of the event, like this awkwardness lingering between them, just crumpled Taeyeon's hope.

"Where are you going?" Jessica lets out another word and moves towards Taeyeon, meeting Taeyeon's fragile and cold hand with her own bony and cold hand. 

Taeyeon doesn't answer Jessica. She freezes in her place as she's trying hard to coordinate between the urgency of her feeling to pull Jessica into a thight hug and the conflicting logic of her brain which tell her that she just disses Jessica and her action would be like she's having a bipolar disorder. Nonetheless, Taeyeon turns out to be lucky, like many nights she has with Jessica, she's always the lucky one. Before she bursts her head out due to her overthinking habit, Jessica has pull her into a warm embrace. 

"Can you stay?"

Jessica's tiny arms and the scent of vanilla surround Taeyeon's body, and her cramped mind as well. Taeyeon thought to herself, maybe she does have a bipolar disorder, or maybe Jessica has always been her disorder. No matter how foul Taeyeon's mood is, Jessica has always been succesful in making her feel...safe? comfortable? Taeyeon's trying to find for the right words to describe her feeling but her long pause in embracing Jessica back has been taken wrongly by Jessica. Jessica releases her hug, hand still in Taeyeon. As Jessica releases her hug, Taeyeon's train of thoughts are interrupted and she quickly acts in impulse, she abandons her thoughts and all her impracticality and quickly pull Jessica into a thight hug. A hug that she hesitates to do earlier. In an instant Jessica let go of her, she feels somewhat scared less, as if she lets Jessica let go, she would be gone forever. 

"Of course," Taeyeon finally let out a small voice, almost whispering. Or maybe, she does whisper it, from her heart, right through Jessica's heart, hoping that Jessica could feel all her sincerity in her frail voice. 

"What's wrong, Kim Taeyeon?"

Jessica's voice calling out her full name, asking her what's wrong feels like a stab in the chest to Taeyeon. She doesn't know how to answer that question. There are so many things that are wrong and she doesn't know where to start, she's confuse and more than sh'e confuse, she finally succumbed to her feeling that she's been lonely and sad and unmotivated. 

But being the Kim Taeyeon that she is, the calm Kim Taeyeon, it even says in her name which literally tranlates to 'calm' in Korean, she, out of habit and characteristic gesture retorted back Jessica's question.

"What do you mean by what's wrong?"

"Same old Kim Taeyeon, the queen of retorting back all questions."

Jessica's face can't be seen by Taeyeon as they still hugging, but she can picture Jessica is snickering, hints of sarcasm is visibly clear in her voice. 

"I really don't know what you mean. I think there's so many thing that are wrong."

"Yes. There are. Like how you sit alone like a zombie in a total darkness of our living room, in the middle of the night. Or like how you've been avoiding me and being a moody bastard in general."

Taeyeon chuckled, the Ice Princess Jessica with her lectures and despite the harshness of her words, Taeyeon knows when Jessica lectures it means she cares and she pays attention. The mere thought of Jessica's still paying attention to her beats out all the harshness that just come out of the lovely mouth of the Ice Princess. 

Jessica's mouth. Taeyeon still hasn't forgot how it tastes like. A thin lips which holds such a vibrant and rich taste of orange and strawberry which happens to be Taeyeon's favorite fruit. How many days, weeks, or months has passed since she tasted the taste that makes her coming back for more. 

"I'm sorry Sica."

That's all how she can mustered to says to Jessica. Is there more word or sentences or poems or songs or anything that could capture how sorry Taeyeon is to Jessica? For being such a weakling and coward like she was before New York? For not being able to run after the one she wants so much?

"Why are you sorry? What are you sorry for?"

Jessica releases Taeyeon's thight hug and Taeyeon can't help but feeling a sudden pang of loneliness and acute pain. She's quickly hitted by another train of thoughts and illogical questions. 

Taeyeon shrugs her shoulder. She's lost at words. Jessica's sight in front of her in a dimly lit room doesn't help either. She can't focus on what to say when Jessica's standing just an inch away from her with her shining, golden hair, her luscious pink lips, and her flawless skin. Taeyeon feels like a peasant, unworthy, in front of a regal princess. 

Jessica snickered, followed by a laugh afterward. A laugh that doesn't sound anywhere near happy. Her laugh somehow resonates sadness and Taeyeon, as dense as she is, quickly catch the hint of bitterness in Jessica's laugh. She fearfully bring her head up and she meets Jessica in the eyes. Now that they come face to face, an inch away from each other, with eyes locked to each other does Taeyeon sees the painfulness and agony in Jessica's eyes and her pang of loneliness and acute pain becoming more severe and she knows she can't control it anymore. It must've shown clearly all over her face. 

"Weird. I feel like you're breaking up with me when you say sorry."

Jessica forces a smile but in an instant, tears start to roll down in the corner of her eyes. 

"How can we break up when we're not even a 'thing' to begin with."

Taeyeon really can't take it anymore, she's in it again, a sense of familiar sadness permeated throughout the room. There Taeyeon stands, in silence, total maddening silent, in front of a heartbroken woman who makes her bleak and colorless world becomes a world of wonder filled with string of beautiful cloudless blue sky, her favorite color. If anything, Taeyeon wants Jessica to smile, smile like how she smiled to her when she called her up on a video call from Jeonju. Smile like how she smiled when Taeyeon sheepishly stole a yet another kiss from her. Smile like how she smiled when Taeyeon came into the dorm's door and made her way to the living room, finding Jessica in a half-asleep position. 

Taeyeon instinctively reach out to Jessica's cheek, wiping away the tears from Jessica's cheeck and as she touch Jessica's cheek, she moves closer and closer to Jessica, so close that she can hears Jessica's breathing and paused sob. So close that she can actually smell the orange and strawberry blend in Jessica's lips. Taeyeon read somewhere that there will be time in everyone's life when you meet someone and you just want to make them smile for the rest of their life. And the time, comes soon enough for Taeyeon. 

"Will you cuddle with me?" Taeyeon says to Jessica, her lips brushed Jessica's cheek and she can feel the warmthness in Jessica's face. 

Jessica doesn't say anything but she once again pull her body closer to Taeyeon, a sign Taeyeon takes as a yes to her invitation.

Taeyeon takes Jessica by the hand and lead her to the couch, as they both sit down, Taeyeon who couldn't care anymore about a thing, embrace Jessica by putting her arms around Jessica shoulder and Jessica manages to find a comfortable place for her head in Taeyeon's lanky shoulder. 

"I don't get you Kim Taeyeon."

"Most of the time, I don't get me either."

"Why are you drifting away from me? Do you finally realize that what you're feeling back then is actually more of a pity rather than....," Jessica leaves her sentences hanging. She doesn't dare to say the word, the word feels so foreign now, months of avoidance and secret glances makes her associate the word with something unpleasant rather than something comforting. 

Taeyeon tighten her embrace, more than anything in the world right now all she wants to say to Jessica is that she stills very fond of her. Jessica's smile is still the shot of espresso from her favorite café in her bad days, Jessica's laughter is the drug that she's addicted to, Jessica's touch is the childhood blanket she would like to take everywhere. Jessica, Jessica, and Jessica, Taeyeon wants to tell Jessica how her presence, not even her presence, the hint of her presence alone is enough to make Taeyeon want to get out of bed and get through the day. 

"I'm hurt, you're underestimating my feeling," Taeyeon tries to joke to lighten the somber atmosphere. Jessica's subdued laugh echoes through Taeyeon's ear, ringing to Taeyeon's ear like a nice bird chirps in a Spring morning. 

"I don't underestimate your feeling, but well, your actions clearly show that you're avoiding me and please don't try to say that you're not avoiding me or worst retorting back the question by saying 'why do you think I'm avoiding you," Jessica mimicked Taeyeon's habit of retorting back question and somehow Taeyeon finds it endearing that Jessica notices small detail of her. Surprised as well, for Jessica seems to know more about herself than she knows herself. 

"I think it's amazing how you seems to know me very well."

"Do I really? We hardly talk."

Ice princess strikes back and Taeyeon is losing before she evens pick up her sword. 

"That's my first sorry. I'm sorry we hardly talk."

Jessica stays silent, so Taeyeon decided to continues her apology, she steadily try to normalize her abnormal beating heart and crafting words to say to Jessica.

"I'm sorry we hardly talk and I'm lacking in boldness and courage to reach out to you. I'm sorry I give up even before I try do anything. I'm sorry I choose to avoid you when I should be frantically looking for you. I'm sorry that I'm not Yuri or Hyoyeon who can comforts you with jokes, or Sunny who can embraces you with her all mushy gesture, or Seohyun who shows concern over your apparent restlessness, or Sooyoung and Yoona who pulls you into prank just to make you laugh, or Tiffany who creates a big puppy eyes to show her concern. I'm sorry I'm just a coward, timid, and cold-mannered human being who thinks too much before doing anything and end up not doing anything at all."

Jessica still stays silent and Taeyeon starting to lose hope to explain anything to Jessica. 

She must've hate me so much she can't even say anything. Taeyeon's thought starting to run wildly. 

Jessica shifted in her position and Taeyeon's heart starting to beat frantically, this is the moment Jessica's going to leave her. 

But,

Instead of standing and leaving Taeyeon in the dimly lit living room, Jessica moves her head towards Taeyeon and the next thing Taeyeon knows, she's being surrounded by all the beautiful things in the world. The dimly lit living room turns into a beautiful meadow filled with daisies, even the smell of the living room turns into a mouth-watering smell of summer, and on top of that, the taste of orange and strawberry in her lips makes Taeyeon feel like she's being abruptly brought back to summer time. Jessica's kiss is the sweet, innocent, warming scent, taste and feel of summer. Jessica breaks the kiss and Taeyeon can't help but to feel overly disappointed. She wants more. More. Forever more of Jessica Jung SooYeon. 

"I should've been mad at you, Kim Taeyeon."

"But you are not?" Taeyeon asked, cautiously. 

"I'm mad at you. For your stupid mistakes, for being the fool that you are. But..," Jessica hesitates and Taeyeon pauses her breath, waiting for Jessica to continue her sentence,"...I guess you also underestimate how much I want and need you."

"I need you Taengoo."

Taeyeon's eyes widened at the call of her nickname, the nickname she most liked, the nickname Jessica used to call her to. 

And just with that, it's Taeyeon's turn to pull Jessica into a kiss. Her kiss shows how much she yearns for Jessica. It's not the sweet kisses they've shared previously. Taeyeon's kiss is full of hunger, she intrudes Jessica's lips with so much desire that she can hears Jessica moans inside Taeyeon's mouth and that turns Taeyeon even crazier, she doesn't let her lips leaves Jessica's lips even for a second as she gently guides Jessica to lay in the couch. 

Jessica on the other hand, is taken aback by Taeyeon's aggresiveness. But she always love this side of Taeyeon, the aggressive, domineering Taeyeon. The Kim Taeyeon who threw murderous glance at their manager whenever their manager informs a late-night shooting schedule for Jessica. The Kim Taeyeon who mustered a poker face although her jaw was visibly tighten when they gathered in the living room, watching Jessica's kissing scene from her musical performance. The Kim Taeyeon who ignored her after they watched her musical performance yet still manage to ran like a lightning bolt when she heard her doplhin scream when Yoona and Sooyoung pranked her with a bowl of cucumber in her bed side. 

When their lips battle finally over, Taeyeon looks at Jessica with maddening intensity that makes Jessica feels lightheaded. The soft caress of Taeyeon to Jessica's golden locks doesn't help to ease Jessica's lightheadedness. If anything, Taeyeon's touch along with her lemon and woody scent makes Jessica even more lightheaded.  

You are a frightening drug to my addiction, Kim Taeyeon. Jessica thought inwardly while looking back at Taeyeon but slowly diverts her gaze because she knows she can't win the staring battle with her. 

There's a difference between kissing someone because they are attractive and kissing someone because words can no longer accurately express your feelings for the person. Tonight, Jessica feels the latter, and she forgives Taeyeon, again. Jessica knows Taeyeon is fighting her own demon inside her and she wishes that she can tame whatever demon it is that consuming Taeyeon's mind.

"I keep myself busy so I can't avoid the pain of having not be able to talk to you due to our merciless schedule. But, everytime I pause, I can only think of you...," 

Jessica's mouth gaped open and Taeyeon wants to feel the space but she decides to continue her monolog because sometimes action enough isn't alone.

"I find peace in the thought of you. No matter how crazy the day went, I always find peace in you. In your leftover burnt fried rice, your failed tuna mayo sandwich, your strands of golden hair in the bathroom, the hint of your scent in your room."

Jessica let out another sweet chuckle that resonates like a beautiful music in Taeyeon's ear.

"Normal people wouldn't stalk someone she likes, especially when they live together and the other person happen to be visibly head over heels with her. She will come to her, ask her how her days like, or at least, send a short text message. Unimportant text message is better than no communication at all. How can I possibly know what you're doing if you're only staring at my failed tuna mayo, thanks by the way I don't think it's a failure, instead of actually talking to me?"

"You're head over heels with me?" Taeyeon smirks, and Jessica is annoyed by the fact how much she wants to punch and kiss Taeyeon at the same time everytime Taeyeon smirks. 

"Do you even catch my point?"

Taeyeon laughs at the annoyed Ice Princess and she draws her face closer to Jessica's neck, releasing a warm breath and send shivers all over Jessica's body. 

"I hear you, princess. I want you and need you as well, don't leave, okay?"

"Have I ever?"