2009

In a real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning. It's a terrible lie to say that I am unhappy with the huge success the group is making right now. Of course I am really happy, how could I not be happy when I see the happiness radiating from these gorgeous eight goddesses ? I have become too fond of them, when they smile, their smile literally means the world to me. I'll do anything just to see that smile every day. However, maybe I am just naturally melancholic and sentimental, perhaps I am born this way, forever bounded by the sadness of the world. I am used to looking for a sentimental part of every situation, rather than joyfully celebrating the gifts of life. This way, I am always prepared by whatever troubles that life may presents to me. I smile unknowingly, watching my members playfuly interacting with each other.

"Taeyeon-ah, how come you are smiling but still looks sad", a raspy and yet rather sweet voice greets my contemplation.
I look at the direction of the voice and is welcomed by a cute pout.
"I am not sad. To you I always look sad, am I?" I let out a small laughter, highly amused by Tiffany's ability to always rightly guessing what I am feeling inside.
"Your eyes are sad though! Tell me what are you thinking! Aren't you happy that we make a big success with Gee?"
I smile again, brightly, a rush of warm feeling flushed thoroughly to my body because of her concern and her almost always succesful way of trying to dig inside my head.
"Well Fany-ah, maybe my eyes are just tired. But trust me, I am not sad. Actually, I am very happy seeing you guys interacting at each other like a bunch of kids. Aren't you all lovely." I lie rather than explaining my sadness, it's too complicated anyway and I doubt anyone will be patient enough to hear my explanation. I brush my hand in her arms and opening my arms to pull her into a hug just to ease her worry.
Still pouting playfuly, she embraces my hug and her eyes turn into a wonderful shape of crescent moon.
"Let's get ready to go back home then, others are already head to dressing room. Let's catch up and sleep on the way back!"
Holding her hand, I mentally smile at her words remarking that our dorm is our home. Indeed, isn't home a place that you come back greeted by a warm embrace of your loved one? then the dorm is my home, a real comforting home with eight embraces waiting for me, ready to ease my tired soul.

I have this bad ongoing habit to stay up late and filling my thoughts with worries. Ever since I am legally allowed to drink, this late night habit has been rather wonderful for I have a loyal companion, Moët & Chandon, a delicate wine can't never go wrong. Here's to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life. Our dorm is already dark, everyone has gone to sleep after a long day of crammed activities. I enjoy my alone time by sitting motionlessly in the living room, staring at the TV and carefully sipping my wine.
The door then creaks open, followed by a light footstep.
"Taeyeon unnie, is that you?"
I turn my head and find a slender figure and angelic voice greets me in the dark.
"Yoona-ah, I am seriously going to kill manager oppa if he keeps making you come this late at night."
She chuckles and lets out that unique dorky laugh of her and makes her way to sit beside me.
"You are cute when you worry like a leader," she smile brightly and so beatiful I almost burst into cry, she then proceed to talk while putting her head in my shoulder,"ah unnie, I am so tired."
"Have you eat dinner? Do you want me to heat up some left over or a hot milk or tea perhaps?" I ask her, worried about her way too thin figure. She looks like she's going to break if I touch her.
"Thank you unnie, I have eat dinner on the set. What are you doing still up this late at night? and with a glass of wine!"
I chuckle,"I like it. It's so quiet and it's great to feel like this once in a while you know."
"Unnie....",she lets out a small sigh and followed by a deep breath afterwards.
"Yes?"
"It's a lonely life we are living, don't you think? I am longing for someone to sweep me off my feet and loving me the way I want to be loved. It's not like the love that we nine share is not enough. But, isn't it a great feeling to become needed and loved by someone exclusively?"
I turn my gaze from the tv and stare at her face. Beautiful face, but sad as well. Almost as sad as mine, I thought. I feel a rush of sadness sweeps through my body. I feel sympathetic for her, the visual of the group, with almost the same burden as me. Public expected us to be perfect, slightest mistakes or wrongdoing could be fatal not just for us but for the group, I can feel her uneasyness with having to meet such a high expectation all the time. While out there people thought that we are living a perfect, luxurious, happy life, here we are sitting tiredly after midnight, waiting to be loved and needed exclusively.
"It is Yoona."
"But you have Tiffany-unnie."
I laugh at her remark, rather confused by what she's implying,"What do you mean? You also have her. As much as I have her."
She scrunches her eyebrows making a puzzled look,"Well I thought you love her. Love, love. I mean. You know? More than just a friend or a groupmate."
"What makes you think like that? Of course I love her, but I do love each and every one of you. My love is not exclusively for her and so does her love, it's not exclusively for me. It may seems like I love her more than I love the others but it's just that she has find a way to burst me open. She's always approaching, she and Soonkyu, that's why it seems like I am more fond of her but really it's just that I am not an approaching type."
"Well, the way you look at her and treat her is like your whole world is her."
I chuckle again at her remark, funny how people always assume things without even bother asking,"First of all, what makes you think that I like girls? I am dazzled by your statement."
She lets out an alligator laugh,"Hahaha unnie, please, you've been approached by a lot of guys and yet not once I see you even slightly interested in responding to them. I apologize if I assume things from what I see, but your zest on sports car and that foreign models, plus the way you adore Fany-unnie makes you somewhat rather clear on your preference."
I pout and mumbles,"Sports car are cool and Victoria Secret's model are gorgeous you know."
Then I mentally smile, loving her for her tolerance and open-mindedness,"Do you think the others know?"
"We always thought you like Fany-unnie more than just friend you know, but hearing your statement, maybe we assume too much. Do you like girs though? Don't worry, we will never judge, love is for everyone right unnie? Who knows when and with whom you will be falling in love with."
I do not answer her upfront question, not knowing what to answer, I am not even sure myself. "Right. Love is indeed for everyone. Who is this we, though? Like, each and every one of you?" I asked, curious about what they've been assuming and thinking about me and my supposedly preference.
"Hm. Sooyoung and I discussed it a couple time, I also talked about it with Yul-unnie, Sica-unnie, and Sunny-unnie. However Sunny-unnie doesn't think that you love Fany-unnie that way, she agrees about your preference but not entirely agree that you have other feeling for Fany-unnie." She blabbers all her information.
"Is that what you guys been doing? Gossiping about your leader?" I joke and let out my ahjumma laugh.
"Yah! not like that! It's just we are really curious. You've never been open about your love life you know. Always keep quiet and just watching us gossiping about boys!"
"Hahaha, not my fault that I am not interested in your kids chatter. Well though, Jessica isn't always open either." I don't know why but the thought of Jessica's closed nature suddenly cross my mind.
"Sica-unnie? She dates a lot though."
"She does?" the revelation somewhat disturbs me, has she been dating all the time and I don't even know? Am I really not that close to her? Well our schedule always conflicted but this thought of not knowing at all is making me uneasy.
"Yes. She's casually dating so many times to the point it makes me think that she's not into boys at all. She's not boy crazy and yet keeps on going on a date."
I nodded with the information Yoona gives me and somewhat feels gloomy that I want to immediately jump into bed and sleep to forget.
"Okay well, I am tired. I think I'll go to sleep now." I finish my wine and let out a yawn and bid good night to Yoona, who also say she's tired and want to go to bed and follows me right afterward.

I proceed into my bed and forcing myself to shut my eyes but it's just doesn't work that way. My soul is restless, and I don't even know why or how to ease it.