To: In Young

  It said. To me? It looks like Jonghyun’s handwriting. I open the letter and read on. It was something I have never expected.

  Dear In Young,

  I’m not sure when you are receiving this, but I hope you’re reading this years after I gave you this. I hope you’re reading this when you just enter high school. If not, I could probably be making a fool out of myself. I just want to say this.

  Saranghae.

  Yes. I said it (or wrote it). It’s my true feelings. I’m not going to lie. That’s how I feel about you. It’s tough to hide my feelings, but I feel like I’m doing a good job.

  I hate it.

 I hate the fact that I’m trying to hide it. I hate the fact that I’m afraid to tell you this in person. And most of all, I hate the fact that I’m listening to all my friends who likes Noonas. And yet, I fell in love with a Dongsaeng.

  I’m not sure if my feelings for you are still the same in the future, but I hope so. You and your sister are the only ones that truly make me happy. You two are so similar, but the one I would chose is you.

  Just writing this makes me feel weird inside. I’m not going to be like the others, at least I hope not. I don’t want to become one of them. Oh, and once you come in high school, lots of people will call me Changjo, but not you. I want only you to call me Jonghyun. It makes me feel special and myself when I hear that name.

  I don’t know what to write now… I can’t think of anything else. I’m lost for words. The rest of the things I want to say, I’ll say personally. I promise you.

  In Young. Saranghae.

                            -Jonghyun

  My eyes widen as I read the letter. My heart began to leap and drop with every word I read. He liked me this whole time! Why have I never noticed? But why should I care now? He has forgotten about me.

  I cover my mouth, feeling as if I could cry any second. Regret was filling over me. I wish I could have told him my feelings before all this. Maybe our relationship would have been better and he would have remembered me after the accident.

  Waeyo, Jonghyun? Why did you have to be like that?

  I take out my phone and dial his number. I want to talk to him. I want to hear his voice right now.

  “Yeobosehyo?” Jonghyun says on the phone.

  I take a shaky breath. “Yeobosehyo?”

  “In Young? You okay?” He asks, noticing my wavering voice.

  “Ne. Jonghyun. I want to meet you.”

  “Mwuh?”

  “I want to meet you at the park. Come quick.”

  “Uhm. Okay. I-I’ll see you there.” He hangs up.

  I hang up and head out the door taking the letter with me. I have to show him this. Maybe it’ll help him with his memory if he truly wrote this. I need to know the truth.

  I meet Jonghyun at the park. I didn’t cut right to the chase, but we settle down first. I lead him to the nearest bench, hands stuff in my pocket, feeling the crumpled note in there. “Jonghyun,” I start. “Is there anything else you remember? About me?”

  He stares out into space, squinting his eyes and trying hard to remember. “I don’t. I’m sorry.”

  I sigh. I guess now’s the time to show it to him. My hands grip onto the letter. As I took it out, I carefully watched Jonghyun’s expression.  It showed nothing but shock and no remembrance. That means he has to read it. “I found it in your geometry notebook you gave me a couple of years ago. Here. Read it.” Hesitantly, I hand it to him.

  He carefully reads it, eyes widening with every word. Does that mean he remembers or what? When he was done, he puts it down and with one hand, he covers his face, thinking. “I-I-“ It suddenly hits him and he bursts into tears. “I… Don’t know… what to say…”

  My heart cringes. So he remembers.

  “In Young.” His eyes look into mine. “Mianhe.”

  Sorry? That’s all he can say after all this? I feel like he owes something more than an apology! Him forgetting all about me and being a coward in the past kind of pisses me off. But what other choices does he have? I believe I would also be like him if I was in his situation. I think that’s how Unnie felt. Maybe that’s why she started dating Jeongmin, but actually liked him back.

  “In Young, this was in the past and…” He pauses, lost for words. “I don’t know what to say. I can’t say anything else. I’m confused.”

  I take a deep breath, wanting to slap him so badly, but I held it in. Confused? He’s confused?! Why Jonghyun? Why didn’t you remember those feelings towards me? Why did you mix it up with my Unnie the moment you opened your eyes after the accident? Why? I didn’t know what to say, but I wanted to leave. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I just wanted to escape. I stand without saying a word and spin around to head back home. Why did I have to call him out like this?

  “In Young!” He shouts my name.

  I clench my fist, holding back my tears. I wanted to escape from him now, but not without a little something. I turn around and stood there for a moment before leaning in and giving him a kiss. I let my lips touch his soft lips and let them linger there. Before I could get enveloped by this, I pull away and left without a word and without waiting for him to respond. He must’ve been shocked, but I didn’t turn around to check. Instead, I head straight home and into my room, burying my face into my pillow, blushing like crazy. I can’t believe I just did that! I can’t believe I just kissed him! Why did I do it?!

________________________________________________________________________

  The next day, I woke up feeling horrible! I couldn’t get enough sleep again! Why did I have to kiss him? I’m so stupid! Ah! I force myself to get out of bed and get ready. I do my usual routine, eating breakfast with Unnie this time and head out to school. There, I met Ricky, a huge grin on his face. “What’s wrong with you?” I ask. Doesn’t his face hurt from smiling so much?

  “Nothing.” He replies.

  “Then why are you smiling so much?” I couldn’t help but smile with him.

  “I’m thinking about asking Da Ni out today.”

  “Today? Don’t you think it’s a bit too fast?”

  “Hm… You’re right… Then when is a good time?”

  “Next week? Let her settle down before you do anything.”

  “I guess so…” Ricky’s voice trails. “How was your day yesterday after I left?”

  I blush, remembering the event yesterday. “Uhm… It was fine.”

  “Really? You don’t look so good.”

  Ugh! I couldn’t take it. I had to tell everything that happened yesterday, so I did. When I finished, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I was so relieved!

  Ricky taps his chin, nodding slowly. “So he left you that letter and he remembers it?” I nod. “Then that’s great, right? You like him and he likes you.”

  “But that was in the past,” I point out.

  “It may be, but that doesn’t mean that feeling won’t come back.”

  “Then what about me kissing Jonghyun?”

  “I think that was the mistake. Now it’s going to feel awkward between you two.”

  “I know! That’s why it feels so weird! I don’t know what to do once again. I know I should be happy and I am, but I made a mistake! I shouldn’t have kissed him.” My voice was rising, but I didn’t care.

  Ricky takes a deep breath. “Speaking of Changjo, here he comes.”

  I freeze. “Is it too late to hide?”

  He nods. “He already saw us.” He puts on a fake smile. “Good morning, Changjo!”

  I could feel his presence behind me. “Good morning Ricky, In Young.” Even his voice was close.

  I froze even more, but I managed to say something. “Good morning.” I turn around to see him staring straight at me.

  His eyes turn to Ricky. “Can you leave us for a moment? I want to talk to her by myself.”

  Ricky! Please don’t go! I turn to face him, giving pleading eyes, but he doesn’t look at me, saying, “Sure.” And with that, he heads into the building.

  Ricky! You traitor!

  “In Young.” I hear Jonghyun’s voice call me. I turn around to face him. For some odd reason, I couldn’t look at him in the face.

  “What?”

  “Are you okay?”

  Am I okay? Of course I’m not okay! What kind of question is that? I wanted to say those words, but I didn’t. “I’m fine,” I say stubbornly.

  “No you’re not. I know you aren’t.”

  All of a sudden, I burst. “If you know I’m okay, then why did you hide your feelings from me in the past? Why were you afraid of being different from your friends? Why did you forget about me?!” his mouth opens and closes, not knowing what to say, so I continue. “Jonghyun… I-I-I love you…”

  He doesn’t say anything. “Mianhe. I’m still confused.”

  Still confused? I couldn’t take it anymore. How long will it take for him to know his feelings towards me? I want to know if he still loves me, but this proves he probably doesn’t. “You know. I haven’t given up on you even though you told me you liked my Unnie. I didn’t give up on you when I knew I won’t be seeing you much. But now… I think I have completely lost you and I can’t gat you back.” I say plainly, ready to leave. This time, I didn’t cry for him as I walked away. This time, I went strong and without a word or emotion except for anger.