Chapter 54

Leo dragged his thumb across his phone screen as he read the text messages that his older sister sent him. She also included some photographs of her son and Leo was always grateful for them – that day, however, was rather different. He was relieved, yes, that his nephew was now in a much better condition in comparison to when he last visited the hospital. But there was still that unexplainable feeling of emptiness that Leo could not describe or put it into terms that others could possibly understand. Only a few minutes ago, one of his friends poked at him to ask how he was, "You seem out of it," he has said. Leo simply shrugged his shoulders and proceeded to keep refreshing the message log between him and his sister.

"I understand that this lecture is for like 3 hours, but... That's not it, right? That's not what's bothering you...?" The same friend questioned him again, tapping at Leo's notebook with his pen. "You can tell me anything, Taekwoon. It's what friends are for –"

'It's what lifelong friends are for, Leo!' N said proudly, a huge smile adorning his lips and Leo could have sworn that his eyes were twinkling with excitement. 'If something is bothering you, you can tell me! That's what I do when something happens to me, remember? Like when I don't find my books or when I'm late to school – those kinds of things!' Leo remembered thinking back then that those things that his lifelong friend mentioned as examples were too ridiculous to even count as "bothersome" or "troubling" things. But as he grew to know more and more about N, it seemed like the puzzle pieces were starting to fit together – N might have not been able to find his books because his forbidding mother might have thrown them out or placed them somewhere else to punish him. Similarly, N might have been late for a lot of things because of how his own family atrociously treated him. It was already too late when Leo realised that he should have not taken his lifelong friend's words lightly and that there could have been so much more that he could have done to make N's days a lot easier to go through. And although N spouted out a lot of lies, there also could have been some truth and possibly pleas for help in his words. Again, Leo was simply late in discovering the fact that he had been seeing everything about his lifelong friend through rose-coloured glasses –

"Hey, Taekwoon?" His friend called for his attention once again; this time, he gently gave Leo a nudge that surely knocked him out of his thoughts. "You're spacing out a lot today... I could tell even if you don't really speak that much and generally look like you're staring at nothing most of the time!" He did a peace sign with his hand and was grinning wide. If Leo was in a terrible mood, he probably would have already shown his friend a hostile look, but since he was off thinking about his lifelong friend and busy trying to figure him out, he did not really have the time to even bother with his friend. The least that he could do was put down his phone and pretend to take notes despite not really listening to the lecturer – "Fine..." His friend sighed in defeat. "I'll let you have your peace..."

He was not annoyed based on his tone of voice and that was more than enough for Leo. Soon, along the way with scribbling random words that he thought he heard from the lecturer, Leo found himself reminiscing about his lifelong friend again. He shook his head vigorously and buried his head on his arms that he just folded on his table.

'You know... I don't really mind that you don't talk a lot,' N said softly as he tipped his favourite can to water the soil. 'Actually... I don't think I even mind that you're not listening to me. I just really like your presence around, Leo...' When he raised his head and their gazes met, Leo immediately turned away. It was only brief but he definitely saw the bittersweet look that his lifelong friend had. He wanted to deny it; he refused to believe it. N had always been noisy – very talkative, and too carefree. The latter always looked like he carried no problems over his small shoulders, but Leo clearly knew – He had seen it reflected in N's eyes or at least with the way that his voice would soften up when it was just the two of them. Leo was also well aware with what N might be telling him through his occasional silence: "You don't have to ask because I know that you wouldn't know what to say. I'm okay with how things are, really! Just be your usual self!" – But underneath all smiles and truths that kept being held back, N was also probably begging for help –

"Please ask me what's wrong."

"Please let me talk about it."

"I have no one."

"I'm alone."

Yet all that would leave his lips is: 'If you don't want to be friends anymore, you don't have to say it. You can just leave anytime you want! I don't mind...' Because he knew that Leo would tell him otherwise and reassure him that his thoughts were wrong and way off – 

'Do you only really care when he's not well?' The text suddenly popped up on Taekwoon's screen. It was from Jaehwan and it undoubtedly made him frown, considering that last night's events were still fresh in his mind. A much longer text followed after a few seconds, 'Does he really need to spell it out in order for you to do something? Hyung, he NEEDS you and he's waiting for you. But do you know what's stopping him? – YOU.' If the purpose of his messages was to infuriate Leo like he did the last time, Jaehwan surely had succeeded once again. But the messages just kept on piling up one after the other that Leo almost switched his phone off,

'You know more than anyone else that he needs time and constant reassurance. And if you can't give him that then... I suppose you're going in the right direction.'

'He grew up in a bad family... How would he have known what it's like to be treated and loved properly?'

'Even up until this day, he's still somewhat distant towards my parents and is even planning to leave our house soon...'

'We can't just force our feelings to him and expect him to accept it easily. He needs time... He needs to understand and accept everything at his own pace...'

'He's so used to being alone that he can't handle relying on someone else for too long... You should know that' 

"God," Leo groaned and locked his screen. As it seemed to be the first word that he has uttered in a while, his friend flinched, surprised, and looked back at him. "Don't you think I know that already?" He continued to say under his breath as he read through each of Jaehwan's text messages again after unlocking his phone. Leo was even close to slamming his balled fist on the table when thankfully, his friend caught his hand and shook his head at him.

'So please. PLEASE go and see him... He's probably suffering a lot but he wouldn't disclose anything to me the same way that he does with you... Please make him feel loved and remind him again and again if you have to that he deserves it...'

"I don't really know what's going on with you..." His friend murmured, setting down Leo's hand on his table carefully. "But I don't think that you're the type to draw attention to yourself like this..." He glanced at the lecturer in the front of the room and noticed that he was already keeping an eye on them. Leo's friend let out a sigh, "Is this about a new girlfriend or is it your mother again...?"

His phone buzzed again and Jaehwan's message showed up, 'I don't want him to be alone'

'You know, even if I do meet up with her and she ends up liking me –' N stopped what he was saying as soon as he saw Leo rolling his eyes. 'Yah!' He immediately hit his lifelong friend on his arm and even gave him a neck chop that Leo failed to evade in time. 'I'm serious here! You never know what could happen, you know?' Leo just scooted away from him and tried to return to reading his book. 'So anyway! As I was saying! If she actually ever ends up liking me and confessing to me, I think I would turn her down – I mean, it's okay if it's just me who tells my feelings because she helped me a lot and made feel better in a lot of occasions, but I just really can't have her liking me beyond that of friends or acquaintances...'

When he received no reaction from his lifelong