Chapter 43

"I'm fine..." were the first two words that N said the moment he heard the footsteps dying down. He was underneath the sheets with his eyes shut, ready to escape into his dreams. He also knew that it was his lifelong friend who just came in as Jaehwan had already said his farewell a while ago. N waited. He waited for Leo to say a word, to scold him and to make him promise not to do something that could ever harm him again. But N could make no such promises. One way or another, he knew that he would get hurt. It probably would not be for the same reason or the same way, but that was just how life goes, especially with the likes of N –

The bed dipped when another weight joined in. N immediately shifted away, as if on impulse, towards the edge of the bed that he was closer to. It truly was his lifelong friend. He did not need to open his eyes to know – it was definitely Leo's hand that caught him just before he could move any further and fall off the bed. Naturally, N tried to pull his hand away from his lifelong friend's familiar ones. However, when he just kept on consistently failing, he snapped his eyes open and he met Leo's strong gaze that forced him to still. "I really am fine..." N mumbled a few seconds after, eyes averted to the crumpled sheets that Leo had moved away from their heads. "You have lectures tomorrow... And Milk! She would feel lonely and starved if you don't feed her! You should go back home, Leo. I'm really okay –"

N flinched at his lifelong friend's touch: the caress on his cheek and his thumb that was smoothly rubbing over the band-aid stuck just below his left eye. "Just go home..." He whispered, suddenly feeling small with Leo tracing over his skin. It was never comfortable back then and it was not comfortable now – Being with his lifelong friend brought him comfort but having him see him in his most vulnerable state was something he did not ever want to happen again and again. "I'm not hurt, Leo. I'm not some child anymore who you need to protect. So please just... Just leave me be... I'm fine..."

The bed shifted again and N, for sure, thought that his lifelong friend had listened and followed his words. Disappointment was just starting to kick in when suddenly, Leo's cold hand met his nape and caused him to flinch. He was going to back away, recoil, and curl his body into a ball once again but instead, Leo only brought the two of them closer, and soon, his lips were captured in a gentle kiss. N fought back just for the sake of it, but with his lifelong friend's comforting touch and his hand that was relaxing on his skin, he too, gradually calmed down and started to respond. It was merely lips brushing against lips, but he got himself invested, falling again, and forgetting all of why he was resisting to begin with. And then he was clinging, holding on to Leo's sleeves as he was brought closer just so they could feel each other's heartbeats on their chests that met.

The three words that they needed to hear from one another only sat at the tips of their tongues. They waited for each other as they tried to catch their breaths, foreheads pressed, noses touching, and lips too close. They had enough proximity for another kiss that could leave them both dizzy and breathless yet no one had dared to start over. N's fingers became loose around his lifelong friend's sleeve and Leo slowly withdrew his hand – only to wrap it around N's waist – "I want to be with you," he breathlessly spoke on the former's lips.

N nodded, his eyes falling close. He felt his heart hammering, sporadic, against his ribcage that he had to give himself some time to collect himself. Leo was waiting – maybe – he thought, but no words came out from his mouth at all. For someone that Leo used to refer to as 'talkative' and 'overbearing,' N thought that he sure was quiet at the moment. It almost as if their roles had been switched and it was Leo who was now doing all the talk – "I don't want you to get hurt..." His lifelong friend sighed, his arm that was on N's waist tightening. "I don't want to keep seeing you like this..."

'And I don't want you to see me like this either...' N thought but did not say. He simply lowered his head and leaned in to his lifelong friend's warmth. N felt his heartbeats like soft drums on his ear and some part of him wished that they truly were just mere instruments and not Leo's heart. It was not how things were supposed to go; this was not a part of how he expected things to unfold. All that Leo left him to do was to either remain in the awkward position or to move on to his chest where they both knew N found to be comfortable – "O-Okay... Okay..." N nodded again, scooting closer to his lifelong friend. "Let's sleep..."

Leo hummed, his eyes already shut. He was already contented with just having N within his fingers' touch, to feel the warmth of his breath and the thudding