Chapter 46

His mother's words rang inside his head, nagging at him and forcing him to carry on even though he very well knew that his body has had enough for that day. Hongbin wanted to please her the most and wanted her to acknowledge him in the same way that she would praise his older sisters from left to right. That never seemed to have happened to Hongbin – at least, not that he vaguely recalled. All that his mother had ever told him was to keep on improving himself, his grades, and his mannerisms that she might as well control how he breathes. Hongbin never really opened up about the issue with his mother with anyone. Despite Wonsik being around or his sisters asking him how he was, he would simply smile at them and say, "I'm fine," even if he was not, even when his mind was screaming, 'Save me!' Hongbin did not want to burden them at all. And besides, telling anyone about his 'problems' would not mean that they would understand – no one could possibly understand. It was his problem, just his problem. 

Hongbin felt his head pounding and the accelerated pace of his heart pumping inside his chest. The words on his book were already starting to blur and even he, himself, could not differentiate whether it was his vision that was failing him or the tears that were pooling in his eyes. Hongbin simply brushed the drops with his thumb when he would feel them rolling down his cheeks. After all, he would not want for his notes to get smudged –

"Hongbin-ah, go to sleep!" Hongbin heard his brother groaning from the other side of the room. "I can't sleep with your light still on!"

Hongbin sniffled and wiped his face with tissue paper before he snapped back at Wonsik, "It's because of the light of your phone! Stop texting and you'll get your beauty sleep –" He stopped himself in realisation of the current time; everyone else was already asleep and if his mother wakes up because of his voice, Hongbin knew that he would not be forgiven easily. He then started to whisper his next words, "Before, you easily fell asleep even when I had my lights on. It has to be because of your text mate or something!" And after that, it was Wonsik who had grown quiet. All that the latter grumbled was a soft 'goodnight' and he turned his back at Hongbin. Seeing that his brother finally decided to sleep, Hongbin returned to his books and notes.

'Just one more chapter,' he would tell himself as soon as he would finish going over a chapter of his book. At times, he would glance at the wall clock by the door and convince himself that he could get through the day with only few hours of sleep left. Still, Hongbin made no efforts to get up from his seat and actually lie down on his bed. It was only by the time that one of his sisters knocked on their door at around 6 in the morning to ask what they would like to have for breakfast, did he realise that he ended up not having time for sleep at all – "Hongbin-ah? You're awake...? I know that you're really set on improving your grades but to be awake this early to study is too much!" His sister scolded him. However, Hongbin simply nodded and told her that he and Wonsik would not mind what kind of breakfast she would prepare for them.

Little that Hongbin's sister knew, he did not even get a blink of sleep. She sighed, "Just make sure that the two of you are downstairs in 30 minutes. Wake Wonsik up for me, okay?" After that, she started to shut the door close again.

Hongbin stood up from his seat, "Noona! Wait, I –"

Hongbin finally snapped out of his thoughts after Sanghyuk's countless attempts at getting his attention. The latter was kneeling in front of him, dabbing his handkerchief on Hongbin's forehead and temples. "Are you okay?" Sanghyuk asked him worriedly, his eyebrows knitted. "Ever since you came back from your last call from Ravi-hyung, you've been acting strange... Do you want some water? I could fetch you –"

"No..." Hongbin said, his voice still a little shaky. "No..." He grabbed Sanghyuk's wrist when he was just about to stand up and leave. "I... I just remembered something... It's... It's when I myself was in a similar situation as N-hyung..."

Sanghyuk continued to gently press his handkerchief on the sides of the former's face, sighing as he listened to his explanation. However, nothing else followed and Hongbin only urged him to stop and asked him to sit back down next to him. Sanghyuk obliged after a short hesitation, worry still etched on his face. "This is the first time that I'm hearing about this..." He mumbled, passing the handkerchief to his hyung after Hongbin tugged at his sleeve and pointed at the folded cloth. "When did it happen? When you were in the similar situation as N-hyung?"

"Not too long ago..." Hongbin admitted, "It was last year during finals." Thinking back about it somewhat made him chuckle, "You don't actually expect me to tell you about something like that, do you? I don't want you to think that I'm pathetic for something so stupid as studying hardcore like a nerd."

"Why would I think that? The fact that you're doing your best to study is actually nice and manly..." Sanghyuk said dreamily, the corners of his lips curling into a smile that did not fail to make Hongbin's heart skip a beat. The latter had to look away in an instant as he had already foreseen that he would have troubles with controlling his breathing and his throbbing heart. He was going to retort something back at Sanghyuk when N's doctor had stepped outside of the room and informed them,

"He showed no signs of overdosing and simply needed time to rest. You may go ahead and see him." The doctor left the door to N's room open for the two of them. And just before they could rush inside, he held his arm up to stop them. "Please do not stress him out and keep your voices down," he warned them briefly. The two naturally nodded their heads and Sanghyuk impatiently waited for the doctor to drop his arm and let them through.

As soon as the doctor had checked out and left, Sanghyuk cried, "Hyung!" However, as he caught himself speaking louder than they were allowed to, he stopped and slapped a hand to his mouth. "Are you okay?" He asked a little later, his voice softer.

N only kept his movements to a minimum and tilted his head to the side to give the two a reassuring smile. "I'm okay..." He murmured, but quickly shut his mouth close as his throat still felt dry. Sanghyuk noticed his discomfort and was quick to the water dispenser to fetch his hyung a cup of water. Meanwhile, Hongbin was the one who first came close to where N lied, dragging two chairs with him and stopping at a distance from N's bed. "Hello, hyung," he greeted quietly, eyes on N's arm instead of his face.

Sanghyuk temporarily placed the cup of water on the bedside table so he could assist N with sitting up. Again, his hyung flashed him a small smile of gratitude before he drank from the cup, finishing all of its contents. "Thank you, Hyukkie..." He turned to Hongbin and did the same, "And thank you, Binnie..."

The room remained quiet except for Sanghyuk's footsteps as he went to sit next to Hongbin. N waited for him before he reached out for the latter's hand and gave it a squeeze. "I'm okay..." N finally said. "I wasn't trying to overdose or anything..." He giggled, thinking that that very idea itself was too far-fetched. But seeing the reactions from Sanghyuk and Hongbin, his laughter quickly died down. "I've... I've been getting a lot of headaches for a while now and the doctor said that I just needed to stay for at least one night here to recuperate. It was just stress, he said... I'll get better! It's just that... I've had a lot in my mind earlier... I'm sorry for ruining the day... Once I'm discharged tomorrow, let's hang out again, okay?"

"Are you sure?" Hongbin spoke up before Sanghyuk could open his mouth and answer. Their eyes met then, as he wanted to make sure that N was not showing signs that he was lying to them again. After all, the hospital had prevented the two of them in meeting N for hours because they were 'not his family members.' It was not like they could tell the hospital that N practically has no family since he ran away. In the end, they had no choice but to simply wait outside of their hyung's room, with hopes that either they would be allowed in soon or for Leo to arrive.

N did not even get the chance to say a wo