Judging from the color of the gray clouds, it’s still in the middle of the afternoon. The air is filled with fog. I can barely see the path I’m taking.

To an unknown destination. And I don’t know why. I shouldn’t be here now. I should be somewhere safe and walled. But I continue walking even if the fog seeps through my airways and blocking my sight.

My footsteps make a sound. I am alone. The fog continues to hover the air and I don’t know where I’m going. Then I fall toward the ground when a pair of strong arms catch me.

“Shi Won-ah.”

The sound of his voice saying my name gives me assurance. I want to get out of this damned place and only he can do that.

I’m stunned by the face looking at me.

“Yoon Jae.” I say.

“Why are you here?”

His question doesn’t register in my mind. All I say are the words I’ve been longing to say.

“Yoon Jae-ah, I love you.”

The traces of worry on his face slowly disappear when he smiles. He leans on me and plants a kiss on my forehead. I close my eyes and say it again.

“I love you.”

“Shi Won-ah?”

My shoulders are being shaken. I am not talking to Yoon Jae. Somebody else’s voice is taking over his. I can’t recognize it.

“Yoon Yoon Jae… I love you…”

“This is Tae Woong.”

Tae Woong. My eyes fly open at the sound of his name. That’s when I realize that I’ve been talking in my sleep. My cheeks turn beet red in shame.

“I’m sorry.” I say and I sit straight up on his bed. I run my palm on my face to block out his disappointed expression. His eyes pierce through my being as his stare lingers on me for seconds.

“You were saying you love Yoon Jae.”

His tone sends shivers down my spine. The grave mistake that I committed a while ago moved his ego.

“I’m sorry.” I look down to avoid his gaze. If I try to match his stare for a few more seconds, I’m sure I would totally break down.

“Tell me honestly Shi Won, do you still love Yoon Jae?” he suddenly asks.

I feel like my stomach is tightened into knots. My throat runs dry. I’m thinking of a thousand ways to escape this situation. Think, think.

“That was in the past.” I say, but this doesn’t reassure him. I begin to panic deep inside when his jaw sets into a hard line.

“Past? Who do you think you’re fooling, Sung Shi Won?”

I am fooling myself. Not him or anybody else.

“Tae Woong, why can’t you believe me? Stop being so insecure with your brother!”

This renders him speechless. His right hand clenches into a fist but he uncurls it immediately.

“It’s because I know he’s still into you.” he says.

I roll my eyes. “There’s nothing to worry about. We’re just friends.”

“Friends.” He spits the word out of his mouth like a poison.

“Yes, friends. That’s all. Now stop bugging me!” I say. My phone rings and I’m glad it’s a friend of mine. I stand and go outside the room to take the call.

I stretch my neck to relieve myself from pain that I’ve been feeling since hours ago. Work in the hospital has gotten heavier as time goes by. I’m lucky I was able to go home early. I badly need some rest.

Yoon Jae has been calling me for the past half-hour. I get the tickling feeling when my phone vibrates inside my pocket incessantly. I’m counting the calls, and the next vibration marks his fifth attempt of reaching me.

“Hello, Yoon Jae? I’m on my way home. I’ll call you later.” I say.

“Okay. Just be home early. Understand?”

“Okay.” I say and I smile. I hail a cab and make my way home.

I take long strides to the door when I hear a few knocks on the door. I open it only to see a drunk Sung Shi Won in front of me. She grins at me while her eyes are half-closed. She waves at me.

“Hello, Yoon Yoon Jae.”

“Shi Won-ah. Why are you here?”

She steps closer to me. “This isn’t a dream, right?”

Dream? What does she mean? Her breath smells of hard liquor. I hold my breath and try not to puke.

“You’re just drunk. Come here.” I pull her close to me and help her walk to the couch. I just couldn’t leave her alone in this state. I can’t stand the thought of someone harming her while I’m too helpless around the corner.

When we settle on the couch, I cup her face in my hands and turn it facing my direction. Her eyes are still half-closed but her grin widens.

“Why did you drink a lot?” I ask.

“Tae Woong.” She mumbles. My brother’s name is gibberish in my hearing.

“What’s with him?

“I… I was talking about you in my sleep. I… I just…”

Her words linger in the air, making me more anxious with the ticking of the clock. I look into her eyes. A million emotions color them simultaneously.

“I just said that I love you.”

My body stiffens at her answer. My hands suddenly fall to my sides. That’s it. I get it why Tae Woong is hot-blooded on me. His deadly sights never fail to tell me that something is wrong.

“Shi Won-ah…”

The grin on her face fades away. She stares at me with every ounce of sincerity embedded in her eyes.

“Yoon Jae… it’s true.”

I don’t know whether to believe her or knock some sense in her. She’s just drunk. There’s nothing truthful in her words. Her mind is just fuzzy because of alcohol.

“Stop.”

“What?”

“Please stop this. Just go home and fix your trouble with my brother.”

“No, I don’t wanna go home! He’ll just kill me.”

“Then tell him you love him instead of me! Is that hard to do?”

“Yes…”

The stiffening of my body turns to numbness. This is what pains her all along. But she had to face the repercussions of choosing my brother over me. I had long forgotten the pain of the confession I made to her years ago.

“Sung Shi Won, get your act together and go home. Tae Woong might call me.”

She shakes my shoulders, almost tearing my shirt with her tight grasp.

“I said I love you! Why can’t you get that?!”

I swat her hands off.

“Go. Home.” I say sternly.

She pulls my face close to hers. Our breaths mingle in the small gap between our lips. The smell of alcohol in gets stronger up close.

“I. Won’t.”

And what I have to say dissolves into thin air when our lips touch.

The little space left by the slightly opened door is enough for me to see what’s happening inside. Shi Won is drunk talking to Yoon Jae. Then they argue and kiss. If this is the surprise he wants to give me, then I should be ready to welcome it, even if it hurts.

Their lips touch in perfect harmony. My chest contracts with the extreme pain that it hurts. But I’ve always taken a step back when it comes to them. I could never dare bargain a strong and genuine friendship for this wrong kind of love.

 I walk away and let my feet take me to wherever place it wants me to end up to.

I push Shi Won off me and she falls on the floor. She snores seconds later. I touch my lips, trying to erase the sensation of the kiss, mentally telling myself that I’ve given up on her. She has Tae Woong now. There’s no point in chasing me.

I leave her alone and go to the bathroom. Washing my face to get rid of the haunting emotion seems to be the only way to calm myself down. I wash my face with running water, shaking the unwanted thoughts out of my head, thinking that I’ve gone too far. I hurt her and JoonHee too, now that I’ve started being affectionate to him without knowing why.

Then I suddenly remember him. Kang Joon Hee… I am supposed to give him a surprise today. I hurriedly wipe my face, run to my room and pick up my phone.

After a few minutes, the other line rings. But JoonHee is not picking up my calls.

Kang Joon Hee, answer me. Please…

I’m tired of crying. My chest is still tight from unreleased emotions. I’ve cried hard enough yet my emotions are racing inside my body. I curl myself into a ball and let my phone ring. I know it’s Yoon Jae. I don’t have to answer him…now.

Seeing them kiss a while ago broke my heart. Why do I have to always take a step back in relationships? I’ve always been the third degree observer. The one who oversees happiness because I can’t have it myself. The one who opts to be selfless because he’s tired of fighting a lost battle. The one who endures pain and blames himself for it. All for the name of love.

I’m tired of it. If only I can shut myself from this world, sleep like I’ll never wake up again, end this misery in one choke of breath, I definitely will. I’ve died a million times watching them go easy and comfortable with each other since high school. I wish I was in her place. And when she chose Tae Woong instead of Yoon Jae, I got my fighting chance. But living with him ruined all my fantasies. He’s never reciprocated it. Not until now…

Not until each one of us is making this affair complicated.

I can’t stand it anymore. Every day I spend with Yoon Jae is like living inside a torture chamber. Suffocating, blinding, deafening. I’m chasing someone who’s already kilometers ahead of me. I’m left behind. Cold, defeated, isolated. For so long, I’ve imprisoned myself into loving only him.

But now, it’s different.

And I’m not sure if this difference will last.

I love him, with the hope of him loving me back.

The phone rings for the nth time. It’s still Yoon Jae. Out of pity, I pick up his call. I try to sound as normal as possible.

“I’m sorry, Yoon Jae. I can’t make it today. There’s a sudden surgery Dr. Jang has to attend to and I have to be here. I’ll come back tomorrow morning.” I say, fervently praying that my white lie can cover me up now.

“Oh, I see. Take care, Joon Hee.”

“Alright. Bye.” I respond and hang up. Dr. Jang has left hours ago and I’m the only person in his office.

Clutching my phone to my chest, I curl myself smaller and cry to sleep.