FALL 2004     

Shi Won’s head is on my shoulder while I her hair gently. She sniffs every now and then, wiping the last of her tears from her eyes. I’ve done this to her several times, hoping she’d come to her senses the mistake she made years ago.

“I haven’t seen Yoon Jae for so long. We’ve been avoiding each other since he confessed to me.”

I heave a sigh. I’ve heard this from her so many times. The same tidal wave of pain splashes inside my chest. It’s getting on my nerves, but I don’t tell her that.

“Maybe he’s not yet ready. I hate to say this but he might still be in pain. You chose Tae Woong over him. And he loves you so much. I know you love him too.”

She pulls away from me and covers her tear-stricken face. It hurts me to see her like this, but it hurts me more that she loves Yoon Jae. I sit silently beside her while she tries to speak.

“I wish I can undo the past. I love him, Joon Hee.”

“You can’t correct the mistakes you made in the past, but you can make better decisions in the future to avoid hurting yourself again.”

After I say this, she smiles widely and gives out a short laugh.

“You know what, you’re the best love adviser I ever had. Seriously. You give the best insights when it comes to love.” she says and puts her arms around me. She tousles my hair and I strive to break free from her grasp.

“That’s why I love you, Kang Joon Hee.” she adds.

I freed myself and smile while I put my hair into its right place. If only she knows that the things I tell her are the things I should tell to myself. And how much it hurts for me to say this all.

“It’s okay. You know you can count on me anyways.”

“Joon Hee, can you promise me one thing?”

The weight of her words falls on me. I swallow a bit and prepare for the worst.

“What?” I ask.

“Promise me that you’ll not make any move towards Yoon Jae. I love him, and I’m going to get back to him soon. Please?”

Selfish. That’s the first thing that comes into my mind. That’s too selfish. I told her my feelings for him way back in high school because I trusted her that much. Now she’s making me promise something for her own benefit. I’m having doubts if I can make it.

I nod. There’s no other way to end this conversation but by making this single gesture. My heart beats fast and pain spreads through my body.

She holds my hand and puts it on her lips.

“Thank you.” she says, while tears run down her face again.

NOW

A year has finally passed since I made that promise. I don’t know if I’m still being true to my words. I feel like drifting away. As my eyes focus on the ceiling of my bedroom, images of Yoon Jae play on my mind. His lips on my lips, his hands on my body. He hasn’t touched me that way since we became friends. Just that night, when he was under the influence of alcohol. But even in that instant, I enjoyed it. My fantasies that are bugging my mind have been fulfilled.

I turn my body to the right and curl myself into a ball. The tension is building up inside me to the point that I can’t handle it. I never thought Yoon Jae can affect me this much.

And as I close my eyes, his face flashes in my mind once more.

The smell of coffee wakes me up from my deep slumber. I’m surprised to realize that I’m still wearing my lab gown. I’ve slept in a vacant bed at the office of my boss. The cup stands on the bedside table. I don’t know where this thing came from.

Dr. Jang, my boss, comes in with a smile on his face. It is directed straightly to me. I raise my eyebrow a bit higher than usual.

“Is there something wrong, Doc?” I ask.

He points at the tall cup of coffee.

“Take that outside. Your friend is waiting there.”

After taking a last look, I grab the cup and take it with me outside. I see Yoon Jae sitting on a nearby bench. He waves at me and I march toward him. He pats the vacant space. I occupy it and take a sip of coffee.

“Thanks for this.” I say.

“It’s okay. I know you need something to keep yourself awake. You like the flavor?” he says.

I nod. “Yes. It suits my taste.”

He clears his throat while I breathe out. Our illicit meeting this at the hospital’s rooftop this morning comes back to my mind. The coffee fails to subside the raging feelings inside me despite its heat. Looking at Yoon Jae from the corner of my eye, I reminisce his lips on mine. I sip my coffee one more time and punch his upper arm lightly.

“Don’t you have work to do?” I ask.

When he looks at me, I sense something wrong in his eyes. An emotion that I could not fit in every missing space.

“Not that much. And besides I have something to say to you.”

The last phrase almost threw me out of my seat. I keep my mouth shut so I can think straight.

“Go. Say it now.”

He takes a deep breath and wears a serious expression on his face.

“I’m giving up.”

Those three words snap my ears. I look at him. Giving up on what? Giving up on whom?

And I realize I’ve already blurted the two questions out loud.

“On Shi Won.”

His answer leaves a numbing impact on my chest. I can feel my body stiffen at the feeling of his words. Another assumption, or maybe my fear, has been granted. I don’t know what to make of it.

“Why?”

There’s a beautiful trace of sadness in his eyes when he looks at me.

“There’s just no point in fighting over a lost battle. Tae Woong has her now. And they love each other. If she ever decides to marry him, I’ll be happy for them.”

A part of me is happy that he’s finally decided to stop chasing her. But another part pities him for lying to himself. He’ll never be happy seeing them that way – the girl he loves becomes his sister-in-law. It makes his love more forbidden.

And it’s an advantage to me.

I suppress my dark thoughts as I try to find an answer. Yet silence is the only thing I can give him. He proceeds.

“I still love her though. Maybe in time I’ll learn to forget that feeling. Maybe it would be over.”

I smack his head as a reply. He groans and shoots a sharp stare at me.

“Are you crazy? Why did you –”

“Listen to me, okay? You’ll never be over her. If she marries him, of course you have to be there. You see them happy together, and you’ll always wish you were Tae Woong. It’s like that, Yoon Jae.”

He massages the painful part of his head and looks on the tiled floor. He seems to digest what I say. Then in one, swift motion, he puts his arm around me and tousles my hair. I almost spill my coffee on him. I struggle to let go, while at the same time wishing that we’d stay like this forever.

“You’re the best, Kang Joon Hee.” he says after he’s done with my hair. He still has his arm around me. I feel safe and sound.

“You know it’s okay.”

I am surprised by the pain brought by my own words. It’s even more palpable than I thought it would be.

“I guess I’ll never be contented by just being her brother-in-law.” he says in a bittersweet tone. A sad smile crosses his face – the one I’ve seen for more than a hundred times.

And I realize that I’ll never be contented being his friend.

“You said it right.” I reply instead.

“By the way, are you coming home early tonight? I’ll prepare something for you.”

“Yeah, I will. Just make sure it’s something good.”

He smiles. “It is.”

He bids goodbye to me. As I watch him walk away, the feeling of terrible loss hits me in the chest. Again.