I come home to the smell of ramyeon and other food. After closing the door, I walk to Joon Hee whose busy mixing my favorite noodle recipe. He has both pieces of his earphones plugged, so I stand behind him and unplug the right one.

“Please don’t pop the eggs.” I say near his ear. He moves a bit and looks at me. A smile breaks on his face.

“Yoon Jae-ah! You scared me.”

I grin at him. “I’m sorry. But I tell you, don’t pop the eggs.”

He is on his playful mode. “I’m going to pop one.”

I ruffle his hair. “Just follow me, okay? Or else I’ll chase you with a knife.”

He bats my hand off of his head. He sticks out his tongue at me and goes back to cooking. I leave him for a while to set my things down and to rest for a bit.

Upon closing my eyes, my head diverts to the thoughts that’s been bothering me for day. My brother’s constant pushing for me to find someone is getting through my nerves. I’m trying hard not to show my anger and disapproval, and my jealousy of him having Shi Won by his side. I admit I still love her. That encounter we had inside the elevator earlier testified that. The way her hands landed on my chest made my heart skip most of its mandated beats. It would’ve been better if I told the old man that she was my girlfriend. But I didn’t, and I know I don’t have any right to do so.

“Dinner’s ready!” Joon Hee calls out from the kitchen.

I get up from the couch and join him at the dining table. There’s only the two of us inside the apartment but he cooked so much food. I look at him with a raised eyebrow.

“Why did you cook a lot? Our birthdays are still coming.” I say.

“It’s because we’re both hungry. I haven’t eaten almost all day and I know you haven’t eaten too. Just enjoy the food, okay?”

And with that, we both start to eat.

Stealing glances of Yoon Yoon Jae while he eats can make me last through the night. I’ve been doing this since we were in high school. There’s so much innocence and childishness in him that never fail to amaze me. His simplicity always sweeps me off of my feet. I watch him consume the food I made. And when he gives his compliment, I break into a smile.

I look at the wall clock. It’s already half-past eleven. I pause from reading the novel in hand. Yoon Jae is sleeping on the couch across from me. He drank a lot of soju a while ago to relieve his stress from work. I see him getting so worked up over a lot of cases this week so I don’t mind his drinking habit. I keep the empty bottles under the kitchen sink. When I stir the cup of milk in the kitchen after keeping the bottles, I hear footsteps coming near me. I jump lightly in shock when two hands lie on my shoulders.

“Yoon Jae-ah, go back to sleep. You’re very drunk.” I say. The feeling of his hands on me is unnerving.

He answers me in a gibberish manner. I can’t make out what he’s saying. I set the cup aside and just as I am about to turn to him, his arms snake around my body. I feel spikes of panic running through me.

“Do you love me?” he whispers in my ear. His hot breath and the smell of alcohol cage me in him.

“Let me go.” I say.

Tighter. I can feel his right hand run through my abdomen.

“I said do you love me?” he repeats, now with a y voice that tends to lure me. But I am not swayed. I just want him to let me go.

“You’re crazy, Yoon Yoon Jae.” I answer him. I try to bat his hand off but it already reaches the waistband of my jogging pants.

No. Just no. I admit I’ve fantasized this a lot of times but I never expected it to happen. Yoon Jae is not this type of person. He’s doing this because he’s dead drunk.

He the back of my ear slowly. I moan in whatever emotion it entails. The feeling creeps through my neck down to my stomach. He keeps on tugging the waistband of my pants. No. I don’t want to take a step further. No. He’s my friend. He’s just drunk.

Both of his hands try to pull my pants down. I hold them for him to stop and he goes back to my ear. This time, he goes for the inside. I moan louder than I intend to. His hip grinds behind my . I don’t know what to feel anymore.

“Now I’ll ask you again, do you love me?” he whispers.

He loosens his grip on me a bit for me to look in his eyes. I hope he’d forgive me for taking advantage of his mental state, but my heart’s been itching to pour out the feelings I’ve hidden for so long.

“Yes.”

And when I say that word, I don’t regret it. He crashes his lips with mine. I keep up with the pace of his hot kisses. His lips burn in mine… hot, oozing with passion. I kiss him lovingly while my hands run up his chest… while he’s pulling the hem of my shirt upwards and he buries his face on the side of my neck. His wet kisses melt me instantly. I moan loudly, this time with full submission.

I forget about the time and the cup of milk waiting for me. This, after so many years, is the reply I’ve been waiting for.

I wake up to the blinding heat of the sun rays on my face. I bolt upright, looking at the alarm clock on the bedside table. 10 am. A shot of panic strikes my nerves. I am already late for work.

But I glance around the room for a while. Clothes are strewn across the floor. This is not my room either. And when I look at myself from under the sheets, I don’t have any clothing on. I hear Joon Hee snore beside me. He has no clothes either, covered from waist down. Kiss marks on his neck, chest, and down his stomach. His eyes are tired though they are closed. His lips are swollen.

Then it hits me… what have I done?

Images from last night flash back in my mind. I was too enslaved with alcohol that I approached Joon Hee in the kitchen and…

I put my arms around his shoulders, wrapped him in a back hug, and whispered ‘Do you love me’ in his ear again and again…

But he told me to let go. I began his ear, tugging the waistband of his pants and throwing wet kisses on him. The rest was pure history.

I run my palm on my face and mentally slap myself. I feel so guilty for doing this to him. He might think I’m taking a big advantage of his feelings for me that’s why we ended up in bed. I feel like this is the worst thing I’ve done to him after all the goodness he showed me. I can see our friendship slowly turning into dust.

I quickly get up from the bed and wrap a towel around my waist. I look at Joon Hee once again and see him move a little bit. Later, when he wakes up or we’re both here from work, I’ll say my apologies to him. I hurt him not only physically when we made love, but also emotionally.  I don’t know what he’s thinking but I’m sure he’s mad at me.

Before going out of his room, I kiss his forehead to tell him I really am sorry.