The only real bargain in falling in love is getting hurt. This is true to me. The moment I knew my feelings for Yoon Jae was something beyond friendship, I was heading on a cold, dark path. I’ve been bearing the pain for many years, with God only knowing the exact count. I can say I’m used to it, but it’s only when I lay awake at night that I realize I haven‘t, and yet I’m always lying to myself that I can really get through this. Pretty stupid. Hiding seems to be the only thing I became good at.

I couldn’t afford lying to Shi Won when she asks me if Yoon Jae ever found out my feelings for him. I’ve always told her that he took it as a joke, and the memory of us laughing it off sends pain throughout my body.

“I’m gonna smack his head to let him know that. I don’t like seeing you get hurt, Joon Hee.” She would often say.

I smile at her. “I’m just fine being friends with him. Trust me.”

“Tch. You’re just saying that because you can’t do anything.”

I guess she’s right. I’m just contented being Yoon Jae’s friend because I can’t do anything. My endless fantasies with him just go down the drain because he doesn’t lift a finger.

He only sees me as a friend. Just that.

I close the anatomy book that I’ve been looking at for hours and pinch my forehead lightly. My head aches at all those medical terms, even if I’m already an intern in this hospital. Or maybe at the thought that this is not the place where I’m supposed to be in today. It’s in the Air Force Academy. With Yoon Jae. That would have been great hadn’t we pursued different paths. The only consolation that I have is we’re living in the same room. I get to see him every day.

I end up closing my eyes and drifting off to sleep.

I look at my phone with exasperation. Joon Hee hasn’t replied to any of my texts I sent him a while ago. Tae Woong invited me, him and Yoon Jae to dinner at a nearby Chinese restaurant downtown. I’m trying to finish the script that I’ve been writing for the last two hours. Deadline is tomorrow, and I don’t want my boss to yell at me like he’s a madman or something.

I continue tapping on my keyboard, shooting letters on the screen, while my mind goes to some place. I think of Joon Hee again and how he bears the pain of loving Yoon Jae for a long time. He never risked going beyond the line. He’s too afraid of losing Yoon Jae and everything they shared in the process. I admire him for that, but I also feel bad on the other hand. Yoon Jae’s too dumb to notice. If he took it as a joke, maybe Joon Hee should gather the nerves to confess to him again.

My phone beeps beside my laptop. I pick it up and break away from the things inside my head.

A message from Joon Hee. I open it.

Sure. I can go. What time?

I type my reply.

6 pm. I’ll wait for you. Or maybe I can pick you up at the hospital.

I press send. Instantly, I receive a reply.

Okay. Will it be only the four of us?

Yes.

My phone tells me that my reply has been sent. I expected him not to text me back. He’s having a hard time controlling his feelings when he’s around with Yoon Jae.

I want to tell him that he’s not alone. That I, too, is also having a hard time with my own feelings. With Yoon Jae.

The hearing has just ended. As people begin filing out of the room one by one, I keep my things in my bag. The day is about to come to an end, and my colleagues are inviting me for dinner. I politely decline their offer. Shi Won texted me hours ago to have dinner with her, my brother and Joon Hee. I roll my eyes at that, but I have to go anyway.

Shi Won, Tae Woong and Joon Hee. How these people weave interchangeably in my life remains a mystery to me until now. I’ve been with Shi Won since childhood, and I learned to love her not just as a girl but as a woman. But I gave her up when I discovered that Tae Woong was also in love with her. Though I confessed to her years ago, my love for her hasn’t died down a bit.

And then there’s Joon Hee. So far he’s the sweetest friend I’ve ever known. He always extends his hand to those in need. I can really affirm to it. When I got hospitalized in high school due to an injury, he provided me the notes I’ve missed during my absences. I remember hugging him and telling him I love him in a friendly way.

That night in the basketball court, when he told me he liked me, started to build the walls in our friendship. I never thought that he’d see me more than just a friend. I’m quiet, lazy and a big jerk. Of course I thought it was a joke, so I laughed at it like it’s nothing.

But all that changed again when I heard him and Shi Won talking in the hospital. Right at the stairs, with him leaning on the wall and her sitting on the steps, that I confirmed it wasn’t a big joke. I am Joon Hee’s first love. I ruined a lot of his fantasies. I was too dumb to notice. The walls creep into its limits. I was too shocked to even speak at that moment.

And yet nothing has changed. We still treat each other the same way, even better, now that we live in the same roof. I often take a look at him while he sleeps. How can someone like him love someone like me? There’s nothing in me that’s lovable or attractive. He sees right through me; the things that I haven’t even seen myself.

Now this dinner will throw us into the same old arena again. A war of hearts and longevity, until the lone winner stands alone. Feelings rushing, hormones raging. All I want to do is go home now and eat corn flakes.

But I walk down the hallway, to my car, and to the place where Shi Won told me to be at.