I got downstairs, gritting my teeth and my hands so hard my knuckles were white, and I felt my nails sinking on my hands, but I didn’t mind, that kind of physical pain was good, it helped me to remain sane, even if it wouldn’t last too long.

I crossed the club at the speed of light, as I felt myself about to break down, and I could not allow that to happen in public, too many questions would have to be answered.

I caught manager hyung staring at me bewildered, but I was already outside of the club by the time he could have done something to stop me.

I ran as quickly and hard as I could, and I found myself at home, I climbed the stairs, and opened the door, it all seemed so unreal, as if I was in a dream, my moves didn’t feel like mine, and before I was aware of it, my knees crushed against the floor of the living room, I didn’t have a recollection of entering the house, or of taking off my shoes or my jacket, but it seemed as if I had done so.

My whole body was shaking, and I could barely breathe as I broke down in sobs, so many tears were falling from my face that I couldn’t see anymore, and everything around me was just a blurry mess.

Should I feel ashamed of crying? I don’t know if I should, but I didn’t, the pain was too overwhelming to feel anything else.

She was gone…forever, I had lost her…wasn’t that what I wanted? Wasn’t that what I was forcing from her every time I treated her as the jerk I was? Even so, after all I still hoped….I still though she felt something for me….what a fool I was….

But she was happy now…she had Sungjae, and that’s all I could pray for, she had someone that would be there for her, always, someone that would treat her right, and would do all the things I couldn’t do for her…I knew he would do it well, he liked her so much….even if he had tried to keep it from us it was so obvious as if he had written it all over his face…he was perfect for her, that was the best, even if he didn’t love her as much as I did, she deserved someone better than me, someone that wasn’t broken.

I dragged myself to the wardrobe, and there, half hidden behind our clothes, there was a bag, I took it, and opened it for the first time.

I never considered myself a masochist, but after opening the bag I started thinking that I was perhaps one, what was the need of bringing back all those memories?

I took the shirt out and stared at it, it was really nice, the kind of thing she would choose, the kind of thing she chose for me….

A new wave of pain washed over me, new tears filled my eyes, as I remembered her face when she gave me the shirt, I still remember the touch of my hand in hers…

And a wave of regret came with more pain to feel, if I hadn’t behaved like that…If I had been more eager to let go of the past….I could have been the one, the one that would be hugging her right now….I was such an idiot, such a jerk!

I grabbed my head with both of my hands, and a frustrated scream left my lips.

I felt good, for a second, and then more pain replaced the one I had let go of with that yell.

I didn’t know what to do, I wanted to run, to scream, to punch something, to hurt myself for being so stupid, but I couldn’t bring myself to stand up, and I was left on the floor, crying my heart out, and then sobbing as if I was choking, when my eyes ran out of tears.

It was painful to the point I would go mad from it, what was I meant to do now? Would I be able to act as if nothing had happened?? As if I didn’t mind my dong